L:U:S:T
by The Raven and the Fox
Summary: Okay, so I met this amazing guy one day at the ATM. He's witty, charismatic, sexy, and to top it all off he wants me. Only problem? I'm already sleeping with the Sex God of Konoha Campus. What's a guy to do? SasuNaru university AU. Involves Naruto x OC.
1. Chemistry

**Chapter One: **Chemistry

**Words: **3249

Ahh, how could I forget about how FF dot net kills formatting dead? The proper title for this fic is L.U.S.T. It's an acronym. No, you don't get to know what it stands for yet.

Before anyone asks, no, this is NOT a sequel to Two Face. It might be considered something of an AU to the AU that is Two Face, if only because I plan to bring back my OCs from there.

I ought to mention, before this chapter begins, what the Kinsey scale is. It measures sexuality on a scale of 0-6, 0 being completely heterosexual and 6 being completely homosexual, and the middle being bisexual. Asexuals come up as an X on the scale. It measures both sexual activity as well as preference. It's simplistic, but a little more detailed than just saying homosexual or heterosexual.

Okay. Enjoy!

* * *

"Yeah. Well I wanna do some of the assigned reading tonight, so we'll see. I know you do. I dunno, I'm going now to check. Yes, _right now_, the machine's just around the corner! You're not my mother, I don't need you to remind me. I'll talk to you later, alright? Yeah, and you're an asshole; it evens out. That's not what I meant. Yes, I do. _Goodbye_, Katsumi."

I hang up before he can say anymore and put my cellphone away, heaving a sigh of equal parts exasperation and relief. Reaching the ATM, I pat down the numerous pockets of my cargo pants until I remember where I've put my wallet, then find my bank card to slot into the machine. While I wait I tap out a little pattern with my fingers, a song I'm supposed to learn by next week. The rhythms are seriously complicated, though; even the slightest distraction trips me up. I miss a beat, sigh, and key in my PIN.

A couple of menu selections later and I'm staring at a solid twenty-one cents in my bank account. "Fuck my life," I grumble, and retrieve my card. Fucking student loans company, why can't they understand that without money, I'll _die of starvation_?

I shove my wallet back into my pocket and I step aside to let the guy behind me use the ATM. As I pull my hand back out, something from my pocket catches on my finger and goes flying. I stare in the direction it went, waiting for the clatter of metal on floor to locate it, but it never comes. I frown.

"Looking for this?"

I look up. The man at the ATM is tall, dark-haired and pale-skinned, with clear grey eyes like sun showers. He's holding up a little circular badge with a rainbow target pattern on it.

"Yeah, thanks," I reply. I reach out, but the guy pulls away before I can take the pin.

"So this is yours?" he asks, examining the design of the badge, the safety pin on the back. "You gay?"

"No. It's for a friend," I say. What? It's technically true.

He puts his card in the machine and asks, "What's your name?"

"Will you give it back if I tell you?"

"Maybe. Name?"

"…Naruto. So can I—"

"Age?"

"Twenty-one."

"Sex?"

"Yes please."

He smirks but amends, "Gender?"

"Male."

"BA?"

"Acting."

"Year?"

"Two."

"Kinsey?"

"Three. I mean—" I stop, realizing what I've just said, but too late. His smirk is triumphant now.

"So you weren't lying. Bisexual – fair enough."

"I'm pan, actually," I reply, "but if you're going to ask about my sexuality on a binary scale—"

"Okay, I get it. We can't all be wonderful three-dimensional personalities like you." He holds out the badge. "I'm Sasuke."

I look from the badge up to his face, and for the first time our eyes meet. Oh, no, don't get me wrong – I'm not about to go into some love-at-first-sight crap. I don't believe in soulmates. Hell, I hardly believe in love. Looking into his eyes, I don't feel any sort of spark or connection or magical understanding. But I can read eyes; I've been training at this kind of thing for years and I know what desire looks like.

"Do I get to hear your answers to the rest of the questions?" I ask, taking the badge back.

Sasuke turns away to take his money from the machine and puts it away in his wallet. "Twenty-one, if you're offering, male, visual communication, year two, six."

I think about this for a bit, considering which to comment on first. "What happens when you combine 'yes please' with 'if you're offering'?"

Sasuke raises an eyebrow, though that smirk is still plastered to his face. "Well, at this point both of us have expressed interest in _receiving_ but not _offering_ as of yet."

"Well, hey, it takes two to tango," I say with a shrug. "Can't have one person giving everything and not getting anything in return. Though if we're talking positions I'm not usually one to take—"

There's a loud cough behind me. I turn to see an older woman – possibly one of the professors; I've seen her around before – standing there.

"If you're not using the machine, gentlemen," she says pointedly, "might I request that you take your conversation elsewhere?"

"O-oh. Sorry," I say, and step out of the way. The woman goes to the machine and says no more, giving me the opportunity to consider whether or not I feel like a little kid who's just been chastised for not using his indoor voice.

A hand rests on my shoulder, and I turn and end up face to face with Sasuke. His fingers brush down my arm as he pulls his hand back. "So," he says, "guess we'd better move on."

"Uh – yeah." I nod and we set off, out of the building and onto the campus grounds. It's a pretty nice day for January – then again, we haven't even gotten any snow yet, so that's not saying much. Though we walk side by side, the silence between us is palpably awkward. I don't know this guy, this Sasuke. Walking next to him like this doesn't feel right, even for someone like me who can strike up a conversation with anyone. I stuff my hands in my pockets, glancing sideways at my new walking companion. I didn't really get to analyze him earlier because I was distracted by my financial situation. I do this thing, see, where I size a person up when I meet them. It's not on purpose, I swear, but after a few years of acting I pick up on looks and characterizations pretty quickly. Sasuke's angular face is framed by short bangs, his hair flicking back and outward like the tail of a duck. He's tall – maybe taller than me, maybe a bit shorter; hard to tell. Lean. His shoulders are slender and his limbs are long. He's kind of androgynous, almost feminine, though you would never mistake him for anything but male. And there's something graceful about him that nevertheless holds confidence and power. It's a weird duality that I frankly find intriguing.

"Where are you headed now, then?" I ask. I don't have anywhere to be, but Sasuke seems to have a destination in mind despite his leisurely pace.

"Coffee," Sasuke replies curtly. Then he seems to remember he has an audience and looks at me somewhat apologetically. "Sorry. I need my caffeine or I'll fall asleep mid-lecture. I don't suppose you'd care to join me?"

"Only if caffeine makes you less of a bastard," I joke. I follow Sasuke into the little café by the gallery and take a seat at one of the high tables by the counter as Sasuke gets in line. It's pretty warm here, so I take off my jacket; Sasuke seems to like this idea and follows suit, leaving him in a form-fitting, sleeveless blue shirt that catches my attention at once. Fashion's never been my strong suit, but it's easy to see Sasuke likes to dress well (and to disregard weather in favour of this). My eye travels up to his face, along to his ear and down his slender jaw, the line of his nape, the curve of his shoulder and spine, the dip of his lower back, the slight angle of his hip and the way his weight rests more on one leg than the other, relaxed but not off-guard. I'm tracing the subtle hints of muscle at his arm; the tendons on the back of his hand; the long, spidery fingers idling against his thigh, clad in sleek, faded black skinny jeans.

Well fuck. In my humble opinion very few people can pull off the look of skinny jeans, and I'm an instant goner for almost anyone who can. Guess who's rocking the skinny jeans?

"Naruto?"

"Yeah?" I say automatically, then realize I'm talking to his ass. Instantly my eyes snap back up to his face, but it's way too late. He's watching me patiently, his face passive, but there's a smirk in his eyes.

"I was saying, do you want anything?"

"Huh? Nah." I'm distracted, scrambling to appear casual. I cough to give myself time to recover, then say, "So, Mr. Kinsey Six, what's it like not being attracted to the larger half of the population in the slightest?"

Oh, yeah. Very smooth. Go from visually feeling him up to asking about attraction. A little weak as flirting goes; completely unhelpful here.

But he doesn't seem to mind. "It's liberating," he says easily. I'm surprised by this answer.

"Not restricting? You're not bothered that you can't take advantage of another three billion chances to find someone really special, or just really hot? VisComm has mandatory life drawing, right? How do you handle it when you can't appreciate the natural beauty of every body?"

I've been told more than once that I don't get the concept of TMI, but the drink machines behind the counter are pretty loud and there are enough people for our voices to get a little lost in the chatter, so I'm not too worried. Anyway, Sasuke doesn't seem to mind either, choosing not to comment on the fact that I'm talking about sex and attraction in a public coffee shop. I decide I like that about him.

"It's not that I can't appreciate the female figure in art," says Sasuke. "I'm just not attracted to it. Life drawing isn't about sexual attraction. Anyway, heterosexual people take life drawing too."

"Yeah, and I don't understand them either. How could you not be attracted to people of the same sex?"

Sasuke raises his eyebrows. "Don't ask me, I'm 'Mr. Kinsey Six.' Are you sure you're not getting anything?" he asks as he nears the counter.

I shake my head. "My student loan's late. I can't afford a gumball from a machine, let alone a café mocha."

"A mocha and a coffee, then," Sasuke tells the barista.

"Huh? You don't have to—"

"I don't _have to _anything," Sasuke interrupts me calmly. He just smiles and pays for both the drinks, and I find myself lacking words after that. For someone who grilled me for personal information before he'd give me back my own belongings, he's suspiciously nice. I tell him so once he brings the drinks and takes the seat across from me.

"What about that saying about not judging books by their covers?" he says, amused.

"Why would you go out of your way to buy me a drink?" I ask. "If you were offering, I would've preferred an alcoholic one. Or lunch. Though I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, and beggars can't be choosers." I slurp some of the whipped cream off the top of my drink. "I guess I owe you my thanks."

"You seem to be putting a lot of thought into this. Or at least a lot of sayings." Sasuke unflinchingly takes a deep swig of his scalding hot black coffee. "I might just be paying you back for the inconvenience of making you answer all those questions, or, yes, I might be bribing you into something."

"So, what is it you want from me? Need an actor for a project of yours? Bribing your way into a bit of networking? Or perhaps you're looking for more… _personal_ services?" I ask, waggling my eyebrows for emphasis.

Sasuke snorts at this. "Stop that. I can't tell whether or not you're joking."

"It's whatever you want it to be." He can't mean that, can he? Not after he caught me giving him the once-over?

"Anything I want, just for a mocha. Is it even worth it if you're that cheap?"

"I'm priceless, babe. But for you, a discount."

Sasuke laughs. I'm surprised – I'd expected something cynical, a sneer or a scoff, but Sasuke's laugh is genuine and it sounds so… melodious. Photogenic, if it weren't auditory instead of visual. The kind of laugh you'd record to put on advertisements. Is this guy for real?

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were desperate," Sasuke says, humour still evident in his voice. Then he continues, "Wait. I don't know better. When's the last time you got any?"

I hesitate a moment before replying, in case the truth puts him off – off what? I don't know what I thought he might get upset by, so I answer, "This morning."

"It was that bad?" He doesn't look too disappointed or anything. That's good. I think.

"Pfft, no. This guy's the best lay anyone's ever had. Heard of the legendary Blue God of Konoha campus?"

I can tell before I'm done speaking that Sasuke knows what I'm talking about. "Oh, him."

"Fucked him before?" I wouldn't be surprised. It would also mean an indirect fuck by way of Blue, but that's kind of beside the point, maybe.

Sasuke laughs. "I don't do easy lays. But no, I've only heard of him by way of rumour."

"Right." Something about what Sasuke said bothers me. He doesn't do easy lays. Is he judging me for sleeping with Blue? Is he calling me easy? Sure, I'll sleep with pretty much anyone who's close enough in age, but is that so wrong?

"Did I offend you?"

"Huh?" I snap out of my train of thought. "That's—"

"Sorry. I ought not to slut-shame," Sasuke says. "It'd be hypocritical at best."

"You calling yourself a slut?"

"I've been known to be promiscuous," he says vaguely.

"Hey now, that's a loaded word." I think about it. "How about… experienced? You've had practice."

"And how is euphemizing it any better? It still carries a negative connotation."

"More for girls, to be fair."

"And gay men, and pretty much anyone who isn't a heterosexual male. It's not fair at all; it's a double standard."

"Well you sure are a depressing conversationalist," I say with a frown. It's not that I disagree with him. I'd just rather not think about it. I have to admit I've never had complaints when I hook up with girls, but admitting I'm pan – and then subsequently having to explain that it's not necessarily the same as bi – tends to lead to labels of greediness.

"The state of the world is fairly depressing." He tips back the rest of his coffee and stands. "Well, on that cheerful note, I have a class to be at."

"What, you're gonna leave this cloud of doom and gloom hanging over us?" I say, though I get to my feet as well. "Geez. D'you do this to every conversation you have? I'm not sure I wanna keep talking to a guy who gets me down whenever I say bye to him."

"Implying you were thinking of meeting up again?" He smirks at the surprise on my face and tosses his empty coffee cup in the bin as he passes. "It's a discussion, not a monologue. As you have said before, it takes two to tango. I'm sure that, since you have dance classes, you know that some pairs tango together better than others."

"The word you're looking for is 'chemistry.' Acting's all about it."

"Yes, well, apparently the chemistry here—" he makes a gesture pointing to me, then himself, that links us in a way that seems all too intimate "—has a tendency to produce weighty topics. You shouldn't be surprised, considering we bonded over that gay pride pin of yours."

"Heh. I guess so." I fall silent as we leave the café and head through the building. Sasuke's now going in the direction of the visual arts faculty, and, having nothing better to do, I find myself tagging along like an aimless stray. The analogy fits even better when I remember Sasuke bought me sustenance. There's a nagging voice at the back of my head telling me I ought to stick up for my autonomy, but it's easily quashed by the overeager puppy inside me that's ready to jump all over Sasuke and adore him. Because, well, fuck.

"You're not going to show up to my lecture on intellectual copyright, are you?" asks Sasuke, noting my continued presence. "Because as much as I'd love having the distraction of your riveting company, I'll need to pay attention and make notes."

"Well, sorry I couldn't be more interesting to you," I retort, though mostly in jest. "Seriously? Who uses the word 'riveting' outside of a sarcastic context?"

"Who said I wasn't being sarcastic?"

"Oh, ouch. Did you just imply I'm drier than a lecture on intellectual copyright?"

"No, that was all you."

"Of course." I roll my eyes, but I have to admit I'm rather enjoying Sasuke's sharp wit, even if it may be at my own expense. I've never been adverse to a bit of self-deprecating humour. Sasuke just seems so sure of himself. He knows who he is and what he wants, and I'll bet you he knows how to get it too. You know what they say about what confidence does to people? Well, they're right. "Well, thanks again for the mocha, as misguided as it may have been."

"If you didn't want it you could've just said so."

"I kind of, y'know, just _maybe _tried to mention you didn't have to—"

"It's not the same," he says, shaking his head like he knows everything.

"Semantics! It's not that I didn't want it. Just… there are priorities, y'know? Like food, and bus fare. If my loan doesn't come in tomorrow I won't even be coming to class." Not that I'd mind, to be perfectly honest, but they take our attendance and stuff. I could convince someone to sign me in though.

"Can't you walk?"

"From Terra Park? Yeah, right. Take me an hour, that would."

He raises an eyebrow. "Why the hell do you live all the way out by Terra Park?"

"Uh, because it was the only house that wasn't taken, falling apart, or way too expensive? Trust me, if we'd had a choice, my housemates and I would've picked somewhere much closer."

Sasuke shakes his head as though in disbelief. "Look. I live on campus; if you wanted to come over for dinner—"

"What's this?" I say, hoping to take the initiative for once. "Asking me on a date? Sorry, I'm taken. In a committed relationship with Macbeth, at least until Friday. Then I'm dumping him."

"I thought you were dating Blue."

"Huh? Oh, no," I say with a laugh. "He's a fuck buddy. We're just sleeping together. Anyway, Blue's flexible. In more ways than one," I add, as an afterthought.

"Uh huh. Does he have a name?"

"It's Yamashita Katsumi, but he's a better fuck if you call him Blue in bed." I chuckle. "It's a bit of a crap nickname if you think about it. I try not to, though – I mean, you don't really need a turn-off like that, and it suits him well enough that you can ignore any unfortunate implications. Anyway, all he has to do is look at you with those eyes and—"

"Naruto?"

"Yeah-huh?"

"Might I ask whether you know what the acronym TMI stands for?"

I blink, then give a sheepish laugh. "Hah, sorry. I do this sometimes."

"In public no less. If you're going to tell me your relationship history, do it tonight."

"Tonight?" I ask blankly, then remember the conversation from about half a minute ago. "Right, tonight. I just told you I'm committed, didn't I?"

"I thought you said he was flexible. Or did you mean Macbeth?"

"Both. I'm booked up tonight."

"Tomorrow night then. Do you have lines to memorize? I'll quiz you. You can keep me company while I cook."

I squint suspiciously at him. "Are you planning to mug me or something? I told you, I'm skint. You'd get more money finding a quarter on the ground, and I'm not exaggerating. Anyway, what'd I ever do to deserve your pity?"

"Can't you take a little hospitality?" he says with a shrug. "If it's payment you're concerned about, you can treat me to coffee when your loan's through."

"I was planning on it anyway, so it isn't—"

"Once again implying you want to see me again." That know-it-all smirk is back. "Be in the library tomorrow at half past five. We'll see how good you are at that tango you seem so keen on." And he rounds the corner into the lecture hall, leaving me standing there like an idiot.

* * *

If anyone out there has any experience studying – or working in – acting or graphic design, give me a shout! I need to do some research since they're not really things I know much about, and I figured getting some firsthand accounts might help.

R+F


	2. Vacancy

**Chapter Two: **Vacancy

**Words: **2397

These chapters are overall much shorter than Two Face chapters, which annoys me a bit because TF's chapters were already pretty short. I shouldn't complain about chapter length because it really depends on what the chapter needs, but it bugs me all the same.

A couple of quick announcements before we begin – firstly, you may have noticed I've changed the title to L:U:S:T because FF dot net won't let me put periods in titles. It nixed the hyphen in Two Face as well… Periods I can understand not really being in titles much, but hyphens? Really? That's just dumb. Anyway, I think that changes the URL a bit so hopefully I haven't confused anyone who's bookmarked this or something…

Secondly – and I already mentioned this on my tumblr 'cause it's much easier to give news updates there – I'm updating today because tomorrow I won't have easy access to the internet because I'm going to MCM Expo in London! It's just for the day, but if you're there send me a PM or something and maybe we can arrange to meet up. Speaking of tumblr, if I'm being inactive over here you have a much better chance of finding out what's up over there because I can post whatever I want, whenever I want. FF dot net really needs a news or journal system.

Okay, I think that's everything. Oh, I forgot to mention last chapter that you should be prepared for a _lot_ of non-SasuNaru relationships / mentions / general shippy stuff in this fic, but if you didn't get scared off by the summary and/or the first chapter then you probably won't care too much anyway.

Enjoy!

* * *

"And he's clever and smart and funny and ohmygod, he's just, like, _sooo _dreamy!" I squeal, clasping my hands together and fluttering my eyelashes in my best impression of a teenage girl.

Sakura laughs. "Why didn't you audition for the role of Juliet for the Modern Shakespeare Society? You'd have been perfect."

I sprawl out on my stomach on the couch, hanging over the arm to face the dining table where she and Sai are currently working. Sai's half of the table is littered with animation paper, frames in various untidy piles, a lamp pointed at the back of a clear plastic board upon which he draws his frames. Sakura's doing a technical drawing of some building she's designing for her architecture work, making measurements with the precision of a neurosurgeon. The diligence of my housemates makes me feel a bit guilty for not doing work, but all I've got is reading and I can't really do that in company. Too distracting for something as complex as Shakespeare.

"Oh, yes, Naruto would make the best Juliet," adds Sai.

"Obviously," I say. "Me and my six-pack, we'd get the role without even trying."

"What? You don't have a six-pack," Sakura exclaims.

"Yes I do!"

"Last I saw you didn't. And that was, what, two weeks ago?"

"Three. Obviously I've been working out since our last martial arts session. Look!" I get up on my knees on the couch and lift my shirt up to my chest. Sai's quick to stare, but Sakura rolls her eyes before indulging me. She scoffs at what she sees.

"You call that a six-pack?"

I pout. "Well it's a start."

She turns in her seat and lifts her own shirt. I'm briefly distracted by the hint of a brightly coloured bra before seeing that, in fact, Sakura's abs are more jacked than mine. Not that I'm entirely surprised – Sakura's one of the strongest people I know, and I know some serious gym lovers.

"Okay, fine, you win. But I'm not exactly hoping to look like a Photoshopped model here." I smooth out my shirt and sit back down. "I know you're crazy into fitness and all that but I just wanna stay healthy, y'know?"

"I know. You've told me." She leans in super close to her drawing as she draws a line to exactly the right length, not a speck of graphite out of place, then carefully sets down her pencil and leans back with a sigh. "Done. Sai?"

"Let me finish this frame," he says, turning back to his work.

"Hurry it up, I'm hungry," I say.

"So am I, but I'm going to forget what I needed to do if I leave it now."

I hop up and peek over Sai's shoulder. He sketches in a figure with quick, decisive blue lines, frequently flipping to the drawing behind this one to check the movement. I watch as he flips back and forth and his character comes to life. He grabs blank piece of paper from a huge stack, scribbles some notes to himself, and sets everything down. I drape myself over him and reach around him to turn off his lamp. I make to stand back up, but he grabs my arm and holds me there.

"I hate you, you know that, right?" he growls into my ear, but he's smiling.

I grin in return. "Yeah, I know." I like to tease Sai because I know he's wanted to fuck me since forever. He jokes about the size of my dick, but we all know it's unfounded. There are no boundaries in this house. Well, okay, but they're obvious ones, limits for ourselves rather than reservations around each other. We're fine with going for a piss with the door open, walking out of the shower naked, touch-teasing and play-fighting, TMIs, you name it. We know too much about each other, but we're there for each other every step of the way.

"Right, let's go." Sai pushes me off and stands, and soon we're out the door and heading for the takeaway at the end of the street. Barring conflicting schedules we usually eat together – saves us money shopping for groceries, as well as time and effort when it comes to cooking. I guess we're a bit like a family, the three of us. A really, really _close _family. If you know what I mean.

"You still owe me for that movie," I remind Sakura. "Get me a poutine and some onion rings and we'll call it even?"

She nods. "Works for me. If your loan's not in by tomorrow, though, you're gonna be in trouble."

"Oh well," I say with a shrug. "I've got tomorrow's dinner sorted out, so I won't starve or anything. I might not make it to uni though."

Sai says, "You never did tell us what Mr. Dreamy's name is."

"It's Mr. Kinsey Six, actually," I correct him, remembering the conversation I had this afternoon. "He said his name's Sasuke."

Sakura promptly trips over the curb. I manage to catch her, then carefully set her back on her feet.

"You okay there?" I ask, concerned.

"Yeah. I just – you surprised me," she says with incredulity in her voice. "Sasuke was my next door neighbour for five years."

"What?" This completely throws me off. "How did I not know this?"

"Idiot, I've told you before! Remember? I'm the first one he came out to." She resumes walking, and I follow suit.

"Hm." I do remember her telling me about how she crushed on the boy next door for a significant portion of her teen years. How, just before she moved out with her parents, she confessed to him. How he'd already known, how he'd told her he wanted it to be that easy, but he couldn't see her that way. "So you didn't know he's at our uni?"

"Oh, I knew. I just… didn't have the courage to talk to him again, I guess." She looks thoughtful. "I mean, I fell out of touch with him after that. I think I heard from someone in high school that he was going into VisComm, and, well, where do you go for that around here besides the Arts Academy? But I never ran into him or anything."

"Small world," Sai comments. I just nod in assent, but the cogs are turning in my mind. From the stories she's told me, Sakura probably knew Sasuke fairly well.

"Want a drink too?" Sakura asks.

"Huh?" It's not until she speaks that I realize we're at the takeaway. "Oh, nah. I'll just grab something back home."

"Alright then." We head inside and Sakura goes to the counter to order for us all. Sai grabs a chair by the window to wait, and I just lean against the wall and stick my hands in my pockets.

"You seem to have taken a shine to this Sasuke." Sai's gaze is directed towards the window, but it's so dark out that all you can see is the reflection of the chip shop against the glass. "I guess this means ogling isn't a relationship-prohibited activity?"

"Oh, shut it," I snap, reaching a foot out to kick his. "Like I don't check your ass out every morning."

"Charmed." He's smiling, though. "Does Blue know?"

"He checks out your ass every morning he's at ours too."

"I meant about Sasuke."

"Oh, I haven't talked to him today. He doesn't care anyway, y'know? I mean… the restrictions are all me."

"I know. But he'd probably take any excuse to sleep around."

"Yep." I sigh. "Oh well. If he does I'll just ask Sasuke for a fuck. He seems willing enough."

"Am I not willing enough?"

I laugh at this, although Sai's being serious. I can't help it. I have to keep the mood light. "Sai, we live together. It'd be awkward after."

"Well no, not if we were dating. I'm not that repulsive, am I?"

"What? No! No, you're not. You're smart and talented and sexy as fuck—" he smiles at this "—but I just…" I glance away, over to where Sakura's waiting for our food.

"I get it," says Sai quietly. I turn back to him. He knows where I was looking. "You're right, it would be awkward. And as desirable as it might be, I don't think Sakura is quite ready for a threesome, even with us."

I chuckle. "Yeah. Well, it's not that we're not ready."

"You think of us as your siblings?" he offers.

"Kinda, almost. I'd totally do you – either of you, both of you – but… it's not what's right."

"Hm." Sai's gaze drops, and he looks thoughtful. I study his features: his slim eyes, his soft hair, his porcelain pale skin. He's got a figure a woman would kill for. Nimble fingers. Thin wrists. I do love Sai, very much. Everything fits for a relationship with him except for a gut feeling. It's exactly the same for Sakura. I just feel so comfortable with them both, together, and I doubt there's much that sexual relations will add to our friendship.

"You guys seem kinda quiet." Sakura hands us each a paper bag full of food. "What's up?"

"Oh, just lamenting the fact that we'll never have a threesome," I say casually, as Sai stands. "We heading home then?"

—

Dinner's a little subdued. Well, it's not dinner so much as it is me. Sakura and Sai are taking a break from working to eat – after all, greasy food and important papers do not go well together – and they chat freely, laughing and making jabs at each other. I sit alone on the couch, just listening as I eat. I couldn't ask for better housemates, better friends. So what's missing?

"Naruto, you haven't said a word," Sai notes, finishing off his fries. I'm only halfway through mine. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," I say automatically.

"He's lovestruck," Sakura jokes. "Enamoured. Utterly besotted. His Romeo, his knight in shining armour—"

"Whatever." I pull out my phone and text Blue. He responds in moments, so I pack my leftovers back into the paper bag, heave myself out of my seat, and grab my coat and boots again. "I'm gonna go get laid. See you guys tomorrow."

"Oh, don't rub it in our faces," Sakura pouts. "Just 'cause you're the only one in this house who isn't single…"

"I wasn't trying to?"

"Naruto," Sai says, his voice concerned, "are you sure you're okay? You're acting funny."

"Of course I'm okay." I give him a smile. "Just fine. Right? Night, guys."

I leave before they can say anything more, heading down the street to Blue's flat. What was Sai expecting? For me to suddenly come out and tell him I'm not? I don't even know myself. I've been thinking and thinking, and this isn't the first time the topic's come up, about me and Sakura and Sai and our relationships together. So what's suddenly bugging me about it? Why do I suddenly feel like there's a hole in my heart? I don't think it's that something disappeared – it's more like I discovered an extra empty section. Come to think of it now, it's not that unfamiliar a feeling. Maybe I forgot the hole existed, and now it's come back to me again. Although I'm not sure exactly what type, I know it fits into the broader category of loneliness. And that's why I'm going to Blue's now.

He's already waiting in the lobby when I arrive twenty minutes later, and comes to unlock the door for me. You only have to look at him once to know why his nickname is Blue. It's the only colour in his wardrobe, in his shoes, in his eyes like ice and his electric dyed hair. He's a couple of inches shorter than me, skinny as a stick, and so sexy he takes your breath away. This guy shouldn't be able to walk down the street without getting a warning for public indecency.

"Hey, babe," he says with a smile, and pulls me into a deep kiss. I close my eyes and lose myself in him, in his touch and his taste and his warmth after the cold night. I feel his arms wrap around me and think, yes, this masks the loneliness. When he pulls away, his eyes sparkle with desire. "How's your day been?"

"Uneventful," I reply, because it's the first word that comes to mind. Of course this is pretty far from the truth, but I'm not in the mood to exchange pleasantries. I briefly slip my fingers under the hem of his skin-tight shirt. "Let's go."

Being with Blue is usually nothing but fun. He can really piss me off in day-to-day life, but he does what I want him to in bed and I'm more than happy to take out some of my frustration by fucking him as hard as I can. But tonight I just lie back as he rides me, saying all sorts of dirty things and moving in irresistible ways. We go at it for a couple of hours until he's exhausted, though I'm not quite there yet – but then I rarely hit my limit anyway, with my endurance. Then he snuggles against me, a hand sliding across my chest. He presses his lips gently against my cheek.

"You're awfully quiet today," he breathes. "Tired?"

"Yeah." I glance over at him. He's watching me carefully, a look in his eyes that almost seems concerned. "Sorry," I say, as though I should've tried harder or something, although I don't really feel sorry.

But he shakes his head. "You still felt amazing, as always. And I'm glad I got you off a couple of times."

"Mm." I'm used to Blue's casual talk of sex, but that doesn't mean it doesn't bother me when it's in the wrong context. Which I guess this isn't, technically, but now that we're done I just feel like going home.

But before I can even suggest it, Blue moves closer, holding me tighter. "Stay the night?" he asks, in a gentle voice, and I can't say no. It's maybe the only situation in which I actually almost like him. I start to think that maybe I could date him for real. But then the next morning he's all abrasive dickishness again.

"We've got class in the morning," he reminds me. "I'll make you breakfast."

" 'Kay," I reply noncommittally, and close my eyes.

* * *

I added this chapter after having written five, and now my sense of timeline is all wonky. I can only compare it to the mess of temporal travel that exists in Homestuck. I swear that thing is genius just for how it manages not to confuse itself because chronologically is the way my mind organizes best.

R+F


	3. Hawks

**Chapter Three: **Hawks

**Words: **3621

Early update! I would have put this up yesterday except for I spent 11 hours at university helping the third years finish their film, so… yeah, I was kinda tired. But basically I figured once a week wasn't enough, so I'm going to try updating 3-4 times every two weeks (I hope that makes sense). Can I keep this rate going? Who knows? I'll be really busy this week with packing and flying home for the summer, but we'll give it a go for a few chapters. I just can't bear the thought of it taking a month and a half to get to the part I'm writing now.

Things I'm learning while I write L.U.S.T. (I'm on chapter nine now) include the fact that I have a crap sense of long-term pacing. Things that I feel ought to be happening over the span of a few weeks are happening within a few days. It's less noticeable because of the chapters and the amount of detail that goes into each day, but it still bothers me. I may be making excuses here – I should probably be trying to fix the mistake instead of just saying sorry and moving on – but I've honestly thought about everything and can't think of a way. So apologies, and hopefully after chapter eight I can be more diligent about pacing it more realistically. I know this has nothing to do with chapter three, but I felt that it was important to say and that by the time I added it to the chapter eight comment, it'd be too late.

* * *

It's a quarter to six and I'm not taking in a word of Macbeth. Fucking bastard stood me up, didn't he? As if I wasn't already in a bad enough mood. Blue did make me breakfast – in fact, he woke me up for it and served it to me on a tray in bed, which is unusual. Normally he just yells at me to come into the kitchen. It took until class to remind me why I can hardly stand him. One minute we're walking to uni from his place and I'm thinking maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be in a relationship with him; the next he's going on about something stupid I don't care about and getting all up in everyone's faces when he talks to them. Thing is, there's no escaping him when he's on my course and in my year.

I was hoping for this meeting with Sasuke to lift my mood. Unlike Blue, Sasuke is someone I really enjoy being around. Besides the first silence while we were walking from the ATM to the café, I don't think I ever felt weird being with him. But now I'm here trying and failing to read Shakespeare and Sasuke's probably not going to turn up. See if I ever pay him back for the coffee. It's probably not worth hanging out with him if he ditches like this. Maybe. Meeting him again isn't unlikely on such a small campus, but that doesn't mean I have to talk to him. I tend to see mostly the same people in the cafeteria for lunch on days when I'm there – if he's one of those types, I'll just know when to avoid him, and the rest is easy enough since we're not studying in the same faculty. I only hung out with him for about twenty minutes, but I already know I'd recognize him anywhere – the self-confident posture, the distinctive stride, the voice and the duck-butt hairdo and just the expression in his eyes, like all he wants to do is fuck you while discussing moral philosophy. Okay, so that one doesn't make much sense. But he's just so fucking smart, and I'm such a damn sucker for light eyes, I swear. Sasuke is actually somewhat similar to Blue, to be honest – tall, skinny, with that seductive aura about him. A little irritating, but in a way I don't mind, which is pretty different from Blue. I guess it helps that he seems comfortable talking about sex. Though I haven't actually _had_ sex with him yet, so it's not all serious the way it is with Blue. But yeah, contrary to what it looks like, I don't _actually _talk about sex to everyone I meet. Sure, I'll try a couple of innuendos, but if the person isn't engaging in the conversation I back off. Sasuke not only took it in stride, he actively pursued the topic himself, asking me questions like he's known me forever. You don't always meet a guy who'll treat you like an old friend from day one. Is it disrespect? Arrogance? One could come to the conclusion that Sasuke doesn't think much of me, the way he scoffs at about half the things I say, but then would he have invited me to dinner if he disliked me?

I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and start the page over again, drilling each word into my head, but they're not stringing together. All I can think about is the fact that a really hot guy I met at the ATM asked me over to his place, offered to make me food, and implied he wanted to sleep with me. And then bailed. But still, how many times does that happen? I've met a couple of hook-ups this way, but never as readily. I'm not lacking in action, though; Blue's been pretty good about jumping my bones. I mean, that's the only reason I still sleep with him. He leaves me wanting for nothing – whatever I want to do, he's up for it. The thing about Blue is, he's turned on by _you_ being turned on. It's a vicious cycle, and it's perfect. He's perfect. So why do I want Sasuke too?

No! I don't want Sasuke. Well, I do, but if he's going to ask me – no, _tell_ me to be somewhere and then not show up himself, he's not worth it. Like I said, it's not like I need anything else. I'll read a bit more, then maybe drop by Blue's place again. As annoying as he was in class today, it was no different from the usual. Maybe I can convince him to make me dinner. He's the one who offered to stop sleeping around if it meant he got to sleep with me, so I can probably use sex as leverage. Is that bad? If Blue were to bribe me with sex, how would I feel? Well, I'd know he'd be denying himself his desires as well, so that's something, though that puts me out of sex too. I could threaten to leave him for Sasuke but then he'd just go and sleep with someone else and we'd both be happy, albeit down an amazing bed partner. But I don't suppose it'd be too hard to find a half-decent replacement. I don't expect to find someone quite as good as Blue, but Sasuke's probably alright in bed. I tend to equate "promiscuous" to "has had practice" nowadays, so I don't doubt he'd have some skill, but of course I won't know until I do him…

There I go again. I thought I'd already established I'm not doing this. I roll my eyes at my own idiocy, stuff my book into my bag, and head for the exit. I've just stepped outside when someone grabs my shoulder and whirls me around.

"And where do you think you're going?"

I have to regain my balance before I can look, but I can already tell by that self-important, dangerous, _sexy_ voice who it is.

"Where have you _been_?" I ask in reply, meeting Sasuke's bright grey eyes, already stepping up to his challenge with my own. I don't miss the way his hand still rests on my shoulder, nor the way the weight of my bad mood is already lifting.

"Looking for you, naturally. How do you expect me to find you if you're moving around? The library isn't small."

"Got lost, I presume?" I retort. "You take an entire afternoon out of a guy's schedule and then you can't even be bothered to show up on time. And I made such an effort not to be late myself."

"You do seem like the kind of guy whose punctuality isn't his strong point, but I didn't ask you to be three hours early to avoid missing our date."

I bristle at the word "date," though he can't know that's what I reacted to. "That's not what I meant! I had class this morning, and I'm not gonna bus all the way home just to come back here in another hour. That'd cost money I don't have, besides being a waste of time. Better just to stay on campus. What's your excuse, then?"

"My lecture went overtime. I would've let you know if I could, but, well, it's not like I have your number or anything." He frowns. "You're awfully defensive. Surely it wasn't that terrible of a wait, was it?"

I cross my arms, though I feel less inclined to project hostility now. Something about his last sentence, like he's genuinely concerned or something. "I read a total of four pages."

"In three hours?"

"Well, Blue did call me and we talked a bit, but yeah, other than that I was mostly just distracted. Shakespeare's hard enough to understand without about fifty other things running through your head."

"Do tell." Is it just me, or has Sasuke's hand slid further up my shoulder, closer to my neck now? His thumb moves against my collarbone, igniting my skin with sensation. Though I'm not sure how I feel about accepting this gesture, deliberate or not, I can't bring myself to say anything against it. I search his face, but he just looks thoughtful. Then he pulls his hand away, taking with him the warmth of his contact. "Well, never mind. I've got a couple of books to pick up first, so unless you want to wait outside…"

"Yeah, yeah." I follow him back into the library, feeling a bit stupid for doing so. I eye the comfortable couches scattered about, considering just camping out until he's done, but I'm also a little interested in what kinds of books he might be taking out. They might give me some insight on what he's like, so I tag along as he scans the Dewey decimal codes on the ends of the shelves, then delves into the 300s.

"Social studies, huh," I say as I scan some of the titles, trying to seem knowledgeable. Because I know the first thing about – what's that title say? _An Introduction to Political Science_?

"This section's got some of my favourite subjects in it," Sasuke says. "Cultural studies, anthropology, customs and folklore."

"Oh, I know. It's awesome," I say at once. I don't even use the library on a regular basis. Our course provides copies of the texts we're studying, and any theoretical stuff on the side is… well, they call it required reading, but really now. It's not like I've never opened a book by Stanislavski. I did quite a bit of reading at the beginning of last year, when we were all new to the course and eager to show our dedication. But once you learn to cheat the system, you don't keep playing the hard way. How can you resist the lure of a shortcut?

Sasuke finally slows down at the 340s. Long, academic-looking titles line this section. Law, taxes, court procedures. "Yep," I say. "Utterly riveting."

"Well not _everything_ is fascinating. But as an artist I need to know my rights. Here it is," he says, pulling a book off the shelf. "Next is 741, upstairs. You don't have to follow me, you know."

"No reason not to," I reply as we head for the stairs, "unless you can't stand my company, in which case you wouldn't have invited me to your place."

"Indeed. Well, your call."

He starts climbing the stairs and I follow along behind. Speaking of "behind"… At this distance, my eye level is just about exactly at his hips. He doesn't have much ass to boast of, if I'm perfectly honest, but then I'm not a fan of too much ass on a guy. It doesn't help the skinny jean look, anyway. He seems to like his jeans low-rise, which is fine with me: I can see a sliver of pale skin between his waistband and the hem of his shirt, today a long-sleeved one the colour of the sea. Not an ounce of fat on his hips to speak of. Bet you he doesn't even have to work out. I'd kill for a metabolism like that.

The 700s belong to the Arts, so, being an art college, our school's library weighs in fairly well in this section. Most of the upper floor is dedicated to it. Sasuke finds what he needs fairly quickly; it must be a standard text for his degree because there are about eight copies on the shelf, two of which are for reference only and can't be taken out of the library. He steps back to scan the area quickly. "I think that's it," he mutters, more to himself than to me, then grabs another book and slides it out to look at the cover. Immediately he scoffs and shows it to me. "Tch. You'd think, for a book on graphic design, they'd try to make their cover a little less appalling."

I take a look at it. It seems nice enough – some colourful boxes, the title at the top, a little blurb describing the contents. I can't see what's so bad about it. Maybe it isn't brilliant and unique, but it isn't horrendous or anything either. "If you're expecting me to critique it, you're outta luck. I don't know the first thing about graphic design."

Sasuke just rolls his eyes. "The composition's all wrong. The colour combinations are awful. I don't even know what they were thinking." He puts it back and heads for the checkout counter. "I can't read that. Come on, I have what I need."

"So… what about that saying about not judging books by their covers?" I say with a smirk, remembering him using that exact line yesterday when I thought he was weird for buying me a drink.

"It's a book about design. Surely no design book that fails to have a reasonable cover would be a good resource. A good laugh, maybe."

"You could learn from its mistakes?" I suggest.

Sasuke opens his mouth to retort, then frowns, pausing. I note his near-perfect teeth before he says, "You know, that's not a bad idea. Maybe I will pick it up next time."

"You say it like you don't expect me to have anything but bad ideas. I may be blond, but I'm not dumb."

"Well, there are other areas in which to excel besides the Intelligence Quotient," is all he says.

"I'm not _even _gonna say anything because I know that's an insult."

"Not really worth calling a comeback, but it's a start." But there's humour in his voice, and I can't help but smile too. I gotta admit it – Sasuke's tons of fun. As if I ever considered ignoring him.

"So you live on campus," I say as we head off towards Sasuke's place. "Would that be in the dorms?"

He nods. "It's five people to a kitchen, but I get my own room and bathroom."

I whistle at this. "Sweet. I share a shower with a guy and a girl." I mean, they're not too bad, but it can be a bit of a pain sometimes.

"I wouldn't share a bathroom even if the accommodation were free. Guys especially can be disgusting."

"Says a guy himself."

"I like to maintain a sense of hygiene, thanks. Anyway, it's my bathroom so I do what I like. I won't be bothering anyone else with my habits."

"What if you're living with a boyfriend? Would you share then?"

"Naturally. But he ought to expect me to get on his case about cleaning."

"I'll let him know if I see him," I say.

"You know my future boyfriend? Tell me more, O prophet."

"Oh yeah, didn't I say? I'm from the future." I grin. "He's a huge slob. Piles the dishes in the sink, doesn't tie off the top of the bread bag, leaves hair in the drain trap in the shower. Dirty laundry everywhere, porn mags on the ground, chip crumbs enticing mice and ants into his home. Utterly filthy."

"He's getting dumped within the day." Sasuke looks utterly revolted; I have to laugh. "Please tell me you don't know anyone like that."

"I've known a few," I admit. "Thankfully it's no one I live with now, though last year I did nearly step on a used condom—"

"I don't need to know." He pulls a set of keys out of his pocket, at which point I realize we've reached the dorm buildings. They're pretty plain, just a couple of brick blocks with windows down the sides, but I know some people who live here and it's actually alright inside. A bit old, and the carpet's stained with spilled drinks from wild nights, but all things considered you can't really ask for more.

Sasuke uses his fob to let us in, then leads me up to the second floor. It smells a bit musty, though a couple of windows are cracked open and the rest is mostly covered up by the scent of what might be roast beef wafting from one of the kitchens. It reminds me of how I haven't eaten since breakfast and entices a loud rumble from my stomach. Sasuke raises an eyebrow.

"What? I'm hungry," I say with a shrug.

"I hear someone I don't know!" calls a singsong voice. A moment later, a guy with blue-white hair and exceptionally pointy teeth pokes his head out of the kitchen. He takes one look at me and grins wickedly. "Oh, Sasuke, you've brought home another gorgeous boy. Where _do_ you find these men?"

"It's not my fault they're flinging gay pride flags at me," he replies coolly. To me he says, "Ignore Suigetsu; he's what the internet calls a troll."

But I have no intention of listening to Sasuke. Suigetsu's words tell some very interesting tales indeed. "Nice to meet you," I say. "I'm Naruto."

His eyebrows shoot up. "Naruto? As in Uzumaki?"

Something flashes in Sasuke's eyes at this. He looks at me, but says nothing, so I continue my conversation with Suigetsu. "Yeah, that's me. Do you, uh, know me?" I get the feeling I'd have recognized a guy like Suigetsu if I'd met him before. But he's only reacted to my name, not my appearance, so there must be something else.

"Oh, not really. It's just our dormmate's been going on about how her third cousin once removed or something is 'banging that, like, _totally _hot twink' she used to sleep with." He raises his voice. "Hey, Karin!"

I try to say, "I don't think that's an accurate—"

"NARUTO!" The furious shriek rattles the windows and a door across the hall opens. Out steps the fiery-haired, bespectacled bundle of rage I have the honour of calling my second cousin.

"You know her?" says Sasuke, baffled. "You're _related_ to her?"

"Nice to see ya, Karin," I say with an easy grin. Something about her constant rampaging makes me inclined to be more laid back around her. One thing's for sure – this whirlwind of a girl is definitely an Uzumaki.

She slams her door and is in my face in seconds. "You fucking bastard!" she snarls. "You greedy, idiotic, cheeky – you and your stupid sexy ass—"

"Whoa there. I draw the line at incest." I pat the top of her head and she seems to calm down a little. Karin and I lost touch when we started high school. Mostly because I got sick of her swooning over me once she hit puberty. I know it's legal to marry cousins and therefore second cousins should be even more legal, but I just don't really like the idea in the first place. "What gives?"

"It's not fair," she whines. "You and _Blue_. You didn't even tell me you went to this school!"

"I didn't know you did either. How are your parents doing?"

"They're fine," she huffs. Then, unexpectedly, she throws her arms around me. "Goddammit, Naruto."

I don't know what to say to this. Slightly confused, I hug her back.

"Wow," says Suigetsu, in the silence that follows. "So, uh… Naruto. Yeah. She's the reason your name's been around campus faster than… well, faster than Blue. The legendary Blue God, tamed by no one, until now. All last year Karin could only take solace in the fact that she couldn't hold Blue down because no one could."

"You must be fucking amazing in bed," Karin mumbles into my chest. "Like, a star is born every time you make someone come."

"I don't want to hear you talking about my sex life. You're practically my sister."

"Your _sister_? What kind of sister do you stop talking to for five years?"

"Uh, one who keeps hitting on me?" I look from Suigetsu to Sasuke, searching for help. She may be my relative, but like she said, I haven't seen her in years. The guys will know her better.

"Okay, Karin, lay off," says Suigetsu, poking her hard between the ribs. She jumps away with a yell of surprise. "Leave the poor kid alone. He and Sasuke have… _business_." He smirks at the last word.

"What?" Karin stares at me, then Sasuke, the fury lighting in her eyes once again. "First Blue, now Sasuke? Goddammit, Naruto!"

"I do _not _have 'business' with Sasuke," I say. "I'm with Blue."

Suigetsu seems impressed. "You're being dragged into Sasuke's room and you're not planning on sleeping with him? Man, you must really be attached to Blue if even Sasuke can't sway your morals."

I frown. "Look, I don't do this poly stuff. Karin, there's nothing to get all fired up about."

"Oh, she'll get as fired up as she wants. She's Karin. Anyway, she has the _biggest_ crush on Sasuke."

"Why am I not surprised?" I mutter. "Apparently Karin hasn't changed in five years. Though to be fair, who _wouldn't_ have a crush on Sasuke?"

"Uh, maybe me? I don't do pretty boys. No offense to Sasuke; he's one hot dude, but—"

"I think that's quite enough." Sasuke steps up in the middle of all of us, a strange expression on his face. His brow is furrowed, and is it just the light in here, or are his cheeks ever so slightly pink? "Go check on your food, Suigetsu; I think I can smell it burning. Karin… just go away."

"What?" She's practically fuming at the ears. "If I hear your bed banging against the wall tonight, Sasuke—"

"Then it won't be the first time," Suigetsu cackles.

"Yeah, whatever." Sasuke stalks off without another word. I hesitate, but he grabs my wrist and yanks me away down the hall. Suigetsu just stands there and watches, sharp teeth bared in a wicked grin.

* * *

WARNING: SPOILERS for the manga in these author's notes, so don't read if you don't know much about Karin. I'm not actually sure how recently this kind of info was revealed. Proceed with caution. You have been warned. Here goes.

I've hated Karin for a long time. She was portrayed as the stereotypical fangirl, and I have to admit I'm not above getting very protective of my OTP. But somehow I suddenly liked her a lot more as soon as she stopped being so crazy about Sasuke and began to admire Naruto. And I love that she's related to Naruto. Which kind of is at war with the fact that she admires him, which I basically take as shipping (if possibly unrequited). So I decided to take this and run with it. Family is something I don't usually touch on in fics because a] it's not something I think about much in my own life and b] both Sasuke and Naruto are orphans. But I thought I'd try an AU where they're not. Normally they annoy me as being non-canon, but on the other hand I really love Naruto's parents as characters and would like to see them show up. And Sasuke's mom. Not so fond of his dad.

I had difficulty not making Suigetsu a] camp or b] a dick. I see him as abrasive and trollish, but not genuinely an asshole. But for some reason he had to come in and be really camp in his first paragraph. There's nothing wrong with being camp, but I don't think it fits Suigetsu. I can see him hamming it up a lot when it comes to this kind of thing, though, so he will appear almost flamboyant at times.

R+F


	4. Fishcakes

**Chapter Four: **Fishcakes

**Words: **3080

Remember Red Botton (or however they spelled it)? There's something similar going around now called Critics United. They are not critics. They're bullies. I posted about it on my tumblr, but long story short, my fics are once again under threat of possibly being removed. I'll always be on tumblr, so you can contact me there if need be and I'll post updates if/when this happens, but if my stuff goes down here I'll have to find another place to put it – probably AO3 or LJ. I guess we'll find out.

In other news, I'm stuck on chapter nine. I'm doing that thing again where I write pages, realize they're not where I want the story to go, and take them all out. Two steps forward, one step back…

* * *

Sasuke doesn't say anything – and I'm too intimidated by his furious aura to be the one to break the silence – until he's unlocked his door, shoved me inside, and followed after, locking it again behind him. Then he slumps into a desk chair and heaves a deep sigh.

"I swear, those two," he groans. "I should've guessed they'd be all over you."

"Well, I am irresistible," I grin. I take in my surroundings. The first thing I notice is the smell – it's something I've noticed throughout my life, that different people's houses and rooms smell like them. I'm not opposed to the smell of Sasuke's room, which I'm thinking can only be a good thing. It's pretty small, but well thought-out: the neatly made single bed is fairly high, with space underneath that Sasuke's taken full advantage of, using it to store clear plastic boxes full of supplies. Across from the bed is his desk, which holds a laptop that's open but off, a large drawing tablet hooked up to it, wires bundled neatly with ties and plugging into the wall behind. There's also a lamp, stationery, and a stack of CDs. Books and boxes stand on shelves mounted on the walls above the desk and bed. A dresser sits under the window, a few products arranged neatly on its surface, a small mirror standing next to a razor. There are a couple of hooks for coats near the door. The bathroom's just a puny walled-off corner; the door's open, revealing barely enough space to stand and take a piss. The shower's not much bigger, just a teeny square tub and an open curtain. Still, it beats sharing any day. Everything in the room is organized and uncluttered. "You weren't kidding about killing messy people, huh? What a neat freak you are."

"I'm flattered," he says drily.

"Can I sit on your bed, or will messing up your sheets irritate you too much?"

"Naruto…"

"What?" I say, then meet his eyes. He really doesn't look happy. "…Sorry," I say, a little meekly.

He glares at me a moment longer, then heaves another sigh. "No, I should be the one apologizing. You can sit. I just… those two wear me out. Juugo's usually around to help me calm them down."

I take off my jacket and stuff it into my bag, which I drop in a corner before taking a seat on the edge of the bed, feeling a little guilty for messing up the sheets. "Another dormmate?"

He nods. "The three of them usually hang out together. They rope me into stuff, and, I dunno, rally around me like I'm their team leader or something. Just 'cause of some stupid icebreaker activity in first year when we all moved in."

"Gotta admit, you don't come off as the most social of people." I observe the dual existence of tension and exhaustion in his face, in the lines of his body. "God, you really look beat. D'you, I dunno, wanna take a nap or something? Am I intruding? I can just go, if you want."

"No, it's fine." Sasuke sits up, obviously making an effort to look less wiped out. "It's been a long day."

"I wouldn't be able to tell," I tell him sincerely. "I mean, apart from now. You seemed fine at the library."

"Caffeine crash, probably. I only make my bed out of habit," he adds, a thoughtful look coming into his eyes. "It's a bit pointless, really. I don't get visitors that often."

"Well, good thing you made it today, because I am thoroughly impressed."

"You don't seem like the kind of person who'd be hard to impress, to be honest."

"In terms of cleaning? Nah." At least he seems to be feeling up to a bit of banter, but I don't really want to retort if he's more likely to be irritable. I don't mind taking the brunt of the verbal teasing. "So."

"So," Sasuke agrees. "You hungry?"

"Always," I say with a grin. "I could probably eat non-stop. But then I'd get fat." I pinch my side and scowl. "I still gotta work off Christmas dinner."

"That's nothing," Sasuke scoffs. "A little fat never did anyone any harm. I practically freeze to death every winter."

I narrow my eyes at him. "You one of _those _types? Eats everything, gains nothing?"

"The grass is always greener," he says simply. He stands, unlocks the door, and leads us back out towards his kitchen.

"Do you know how hard I have to work to maintain this figure?" I say indignantly as I follow him. "I don't have _time _to work out as much as I do."

"So don't. No one will think any the less of you. Anyway, you ought to give some of the lesser fellows a chance at the girls and boys."

"Says the guy with looks to rival mine."

"Oh, high praise indeed." Sasuke pushes the kitchen door open and gestures me to a stool at the counter under the window, then goes to the drying rack by the sink to move some of his clean stuff into his designated cupboard. "Well, I guess it doesn't matter since you're in a committed relationship. How'd you convince the Blue God to stop sleeping around?"

"He convinced himself," I say, with a slight frown. "We had a one night stand, only after that he didn't want to stop sleeping with me. But I, ah, don't do open relationships so well. He offered to stop sleeping around if it meant he could keep sleeping with me, and I said yes, 'cause when you've got a god under your thumb, what else are you gonna do?"

"You're on the verge of being a legend yourself," Sasuke comments. "What is it they're calling you? The Orange Flash?"

My eyebrows shoot up. "Are they now? I didn't realize word got around much now that – well, now that Blue doesn't get around much." I consider this. "Kind of a lame nickname, if I had to criticize. Blue gets to be a god, and I'm, I dunno, a nudist or something?"

Just about to open the fridge, Sasuke has to stop so he can snort with laughter. "With the amount you talk about sex, I can't say it's not at least somewhat fitting."

"Really though! What does it even have to do with anything? I'm not a sexual predator!"

"It does have a dubious connotation to it. How about Orange Lightning or something instead?"

"That has a much better ring to it," I agree. "Still nothing to do with the situation, but if it's going to be like that…"

"Then I'll make sure everyone knows what to call you," he chuckles. "What do you want for dinner?"

"Dunno." My stomach growls loudly at this point. "God, I could eat a horse."

"Sorry, I finished off the last one yesterday."

I laugh. "Anything's cool. Seriously, as long as it hasn't got tomatoes in it I'll eat it."

Sasuke slides out the vegetable compartment and frowns. "What's wrong with tomatoes?"

"I just – the texture, and they're so… weird! I can't eat them!" I peer over Sasuke's shoulder. His vegetable compartment is full of tomatoes. "Oh… Oh, I've gone and offended you or something, haven't I? Did you have a pet tomato or something? And it got stolen by some asshole to throw at a really bad actor in a play?"

The frown vanishes from his face, replaced by a smile. "What are you going on about?"

"You're gonna wrinkle young if you keep frowning that much," I say with a grin. "Really though. Are you, like, a tomato addict?"

"They're good for you." He grabs a cherry tomato and pops it into his mouth. "When I was a kid, my mom used to give me tomato slices with sugar sprinkled on top. They were delicious."

"That's…" I know I'm making a weird face, but I can't help it. "I'm judging you a little right now."

"I don't care. How do you feel about omelettes? We've got mushrooms, green onions, ham, bacon, cheese…"

"All of it!"

"It shall be done." He sets various ingredients on the counter, then shuts the fridge and heads for his cupboard. "So, what's your favourite food, then?"

"Ramen, for sure. I mean, the instant stuff is good, but I'm talking the kind you get at a restaurant. Fresh noodles, vegetables and beef and an egg on top and… Am I drooling?"

"Just a little, right there," says Sasuke. I'm not, but he reaches over and pokes the side of my mouth anyway. "Isn't 'Naruto' the fishcake stuff they put in ramen?"

"The white circles with pink spirals in the middle, yeah. But it's fish paste, not fishcakes." I chuckle, remembering when my mom explained it to me. "My dad's teacher wrote a book once, about a ninja named Naruto. He came up with the name for his character when he was eating ramen. Apparently my dad loved the book, so I'm named in that ninja's honour."

"You're named after a ninja called Fishcakes?" He smirks. "Can I call you that?"

"What? No," I say at once. But I know it's no good. I probably would've stood a better chance telling him yes, if only because now he'll do it specifically to bother me. But he probably still would've.

"Pass the bacon, Fishcakes."

I roll my eyes but comply anyway. It's probably not worth arguing about. I'll lose. "D'you want any help cooking?"

"I wouldn't mind, but I thought you were supposed to be reading."

"Oh yeah." I think about it, then shrug. "Whatever. It can wait until tomorrow. What do you need? Should I wash some stuff?"

He hands me a container of mushrooms and a couple of stalks of green onion. "Knock yourself out."

We chat as we prepare the food, finally getting to the stuff you actually usually talk about when you've met someone for the first time. Our first couple of conversations mostly revolved around sex. I find out that Sasuke's favourite colour is blue; his eyes change colour depending on his mood; and he's from the big city but sticks around here because his dad passed away, his brother's a criminal on the run, and his mother's an ambassador overseas. This all sounds a little far-fetched, a little too familiar, until he mentions that his dad's company, Uchiha Information Technologies, went bankrupt thanks to Itachi.

"Wait. Uchiha? You're an Uchiha?"

He just takes the ham and bacon he cut up and starts frying it, then places the knife and cutting board in front of me. "Yep. Can you dice those too?"

Too busy processing this new knowledge, I silently take up the knife. UIT was one of the biggest companies in its time, the kind that eats other businesses for breakfast. Every month you'd hear about another name being bought out. And then, five or six years ago, the owner's son hacked into its systems, it fell apart, the owner fell ill and died of heart failure, and it was swallowed up by the rest of the world's big names. Sasuke must have had it hard. I can't imagine the pressure he must have been under – I remember hearing UIT's owner was going to pass the business on to his sons. But then again, maybe this meant the freedom he needed to pursue a career in art, if that's what he's really passionate about.

When Sasuke breaks the silence, his voice is quiet. "Thanks," he says, "for not asking why I'm in art school."

I look up. He looks back at me and smiles, and I can see in his face, along with the gratitude in his smile, the look of someone who's too often been judged, someone who's too used to trying to live up to impossible expectations. I also remember hearing of Mr. Uchiha that he was a tough father – it sticks in my mind because I asked my own dad about it, and he said all he wanted was for me to be happy. He didn't think the Uchiha children were too happy, and I can see that now in Sasuke's eyes.

"Well, I'd like to know," I finally answer, "but I would've wanted to regardless of your lineage."

He scoffs. "Lineage. There's a pretentious word." He turns back to the stove. "I have to admit I've kept some of my father's influence. Graphic design is about as realistically oriented as you can get while still being in the arts. Advertising's where the money lies."

"Do you enjoy it?"

"Sure," he replies. It's not exactly a reassuring answer, though. He glances at me, sees the look on my face. He sighs. "If I could do anything, I'd be an illustrator or a novelist. But even I can see those being tough roads. No one's saying I can't do it on the side."

I nod. "Anyway, here the writers mostly do journalism and all the illustrators seem to learn is how to sell out. My housemate, Sai – he's an animator, though he hangs out with illustrators a lot – he tells me the illustrators are expected to know how to draw from the beginning, whereas, say, the animators are taught perspective and observational drawing and shit from day one."

"Well they should know it from day one. They need to submit _something _for their entrance portfolios. But it wouldn't hurt to continue teaching these courses."

"Yeah. Basically it sounds like the animators get a lot more practical drawing instruction, which seems weird for the illustrators until you realize animators have to draw twelve pictures for every second of animation. Can you imagine how many drawings that is for a Disney film?"

"Don't films take twenty-five frames per second?"

"Do they?" I'm dumbfounded.

"Well, yeah. One of my dormmates is in animation too. She's said that for television they usually just draw half the frames, but in films they do all of them so the animation's smoother. It just sounds like an exponential increase in work to me, especially considering the quality of film animation is generally better."

"No kidding." I tip the diced vegetables into a bowl to give Sasuke. "Need anything else?"

"A massage. My back and shoulders have been killing me lately." He chuckles. "Nah, I can handle the rest."

I sit back on the stool and say, "I've been told I'm good at massages. But giving you one while you're cooking may not be the best of ideas. It's like road head," I add brightly, and get the reaction I was hoping for when Sasuke snorts with laughter. God, I don't know why, but I love when he does that. It's just so… dorky. I'm gonna have to see if I can make him do it while he's drinking something.

"Please tell me you've never given road head," Sasuke says, the laughter still evident in his voice.

"Sorry, that would be lying. If it's any consolation, it was the worst decision of my life. I mean, this guy was a professional driver – he could probably drive sleeping if you needed him to; I figured he wouldn't be distracted by something so simple as a blowjob, but… I guess I'm just that skilled. Orgasms at eighty kilometres an hour are dangerous, man."

"I could've told you that. Thankfully massages while cooking are less likely to result in crushed cars, although burning down the building is still a possibility. Better leave it 'til later."

I can tell by the way he says it that he's joking – that he doesn't actually expect me to give him a massage. Pfft, yeah, like I'd ever pass up _that _chance. But I say nothing, just hum a tune under my breath and watch him add sprinkles of various herbs to the omelettes. I dunno what he's doing, but he obviously puts more thought into his food than I do. My usual fare is pasta, or rice from the rice cooker. Easy as pie. Actually, easier – pie takes work.

Soon there are two giant, steaming omelettes on plates and I'm helping myself to a serving of ketchup on top. Sasuke tidies up the counter where he was cooking, then joins me on another stool.

"This is fucking amazing," I tell him, once I've swallowed my first mouthful. "Like, god, restaurants can't do this."

"I appreciate the comparison," he says with a smile. He eats more slowly than I do, cutting his omelette into bits with the side of his fork, blowing on the hot food before putting it in his mouth, and actually taking the time to chew. I'm too hungry to even bother, and in minutes my plate's cleared.

"You were really that hungry?" asks Sasuke; he's only halfway through his.

"The last thing I ate was half a slice of toast," I reply. "I dropped the other half on my way into uni."

"Classic." He takes another bite. I watch him as he eats, one elbow on the counter, slouching slightly. He's gazing absentmindedly out the window into the courtyard, where a group is out doing a barbeque at the picnic tables. His eyelashes meet briefly as he blinks. God. His eyelashes are so long and fine. You know how cartoons always give girls really long eyelashes, as a visual gender thing? Yeah, well, the prettiest eyelashes I've ever seen have always been on guys. Sasuke has a very distinctive face. He'd look good on stage, I think. He doesn't emote like an actor, though – too subtle. As an actor, he might not be that good, but he'd have stage presence and he'd definitely make girls swoon. You can teach acting, and you can shape a face with make-up to some degree, but Sasuke's already a level of stunning most people could only dream of achieving.

"Earth to Fishcakes."

I blink, then realize he's waving his hand in front of my face. "Wh—Oh. Sorry. You were saying?"

He smirks. "I wasn't saying anything. You just seemed lost in thought. It looked like hard work, so I thought I'd help you find your way back home."

"Uh _huh_." I roll my eyes. "Are you seriously going to keep calling me that?"

"Fishcakes? Of course. It's too adorkable to pass up, and it suits you perfectly."

"Did you just call me adorable?"

"A_dork_able," he corrects me, with a knowing smile.

"Whatever." But I'm smiling too. It's ridiculous, that smug little look of his, but fuck is it ever sexy.

* * *

Fish paste actually tastes pretty terrible. Every time I see it at the store I want to buy it and then I realize it's a bad idea because ew. Fishcakes are something else entirely if you Google image search them) but it's too ador(k)able a nickname to pass up. A quick thanks to ww for the inspiration. :)

Also, I've realized that Sasuke in L.U.S.T. has a bit of adorbs!Sasuke in him. Uh, maybe I should explain. For those of you who haven't heard (I only know because of tumblr), the new Naruto movie coming out this summer is an AU in which half the characters are opposites of their canon selves. Sasuke is this ridiculous gangsta flirt. It's hilarious. We all love him. We're calling him adorbs!Sasuke. I do have a tendency to enjoy writing Sasuke as a bit of a flirt, though. He's just too antisocial in canon! I do plan to try to watch Naruto this summer (all of it… oh god, wish me luck) so I'll probably get a better grasp on what his canon self is, because it's been too long and my image of him has been warped by years of fanfiction writing and only the weekly manga chapters to check in on canon characterization.

R+F


	5. Right Here

**Chapter Five: **Right Here

**Words: **3473

* * *

When Sasuke's done eating, he piles all the dirty dishes and stuff neatly in what little empty space exists next to the sink. The rest is filled up with other people's stuff, some of it obviously several days old. I'm counting myself lucky for having fairly tidy housemates.

"D'you want me to help you wash up?" I ask as Sasuke puts the ketchup in the fridge. I feel kinda bad for just sitting around spacing out while he ate alone. It'd be the least I could do.

"It's fine. I'll sort it later. We'd better clear out before someone else commandeers the kitchen; there isn't really room for more than three people, and Riku and Yumi always cook together."

"Well, we can always come back in a bit," I suggest. I follow Sasuke out of the kitchen and back to his room. Suigetsu shouts something down the hallway but Sasuke ignores him, and I figure it's best just to follow suit. I bet he's glad he doesn't share a kitchen with those guys. He seems to consider them annoying, but I haven't heard about any other friends he might have. For now, they're the only ones I can go to if I'm seeking out a bit of information on this guy.

When we're back in his room and he's locked the door again, Sasuke tosses himself on the bed, heaving a deep sigh. "Food always makes me sleepy."

I smile and sit back on the edge of the bed like before. "I take it you don't have homework?"

"It can be done tomorrow." He rolls onto his side and meets my eyes, and for a moment he just looks at me, face unreadable. His hand, lying next to the pillow, is really close to mine. I could just stretch my pinky out and touch his.

"Looks like you picked the wrong day to meet me," I say with some humour. "Honestly, if you're that tired I can go."

"Like I'm letting you dine and dash," he scoffs. "I haven't even gotten your number yet; how am I supposed to make sure you pay me back for coffee?"

"Hm. Well, my loan's _still_ not through, so it won't be today." I glance over to his desk and spot a pad of sticky notes. I go over and take one, borrow a pen, and scrawl down my cell number. Then I go back to the bed and stick the note on his forehead. "There you go."

"Thanks." He peels the note off his face, folds the sticky part down, and tucks it into his pocket. "I'll save it in my phone later."

"I don't know what more you want from me at this point. As much as I'd like to fuck you into your mattress, my body is off-limits."

Sasuke frowns. I can see in his eyes that he wants to say something, but he's holding it back, probably because he thinks it's rude or insensitive. I really want to know what it is, though, because I get the feeling it would tell me exactly how he's feeling at this moment. Finally he seems to come to a decision and asks, "What if I'm the one who wants to fuck _you _into the mattress?"

Confused, I reply, "Well, that doesn't change the fact that I can't have sex with you. Anyway, I'm generally a topper."

"Generally." Sasuke props his head up in one hand, tapping the middle of his chest idly with the fingers of his other hand. My mind immediately goes, _Draw me like one of your French girls._ Damn those hips. "I remember you saying similarly at the ATM. So what does 'generally' mean? Can I get a ballpark percentage?"

"At this point, pretty much a hundred. I don't bottom for Blue."

"But you've bottomed in the past."

"Well, sure. A pan's gotta experiment."

He raises an eyebrow. "You're not keen on it?"

"It's just… not me. Don't get me wrong; it feels damn good, but… actually having a person fucking me doesn't seem right. I mean, I've slept with good tops before, but they're rare. There's just something I lose a grasp of when I bottom and, I dunno, it turns me off."

"Fair enough, I suppose," Sasuke says. "Though I don't think you should write it off entirely. You won't bottom for Blue, but who's to say everyone will fuck like him? Just 'cause he's called a sex god doesn't mean he can cater to everyone's every need. He's only human, whatever the gossip says."

"Do you even have the right to comment, considering you've never slept with him?" I ask, but not in defence of my position – Sasuke's words hold a mote of truth. Blue feels good when I fuck him, but I have to do him a certain way. And, well, since I'm only in it for the sex, I miss out on other things. I'm as faithful as they come when it comes to actual relationships – although I have a tendency to miss fucking the other sex, it's not like I'm about to cheat because of that if I care about a person – but Blue and I, as exclusive as we may be, aren't anything more than fuck buddies. And I miss girls, and I miss variety. You know what they say about having only one thing for the rest of your life. I sigh, kick my shoes off, and put my feet up on the bed. "Anyway, it's not a big deal. I can live with not bottoming, actually. I take it you're a switcher?"

"It varies with time. But overall, I guess you could say so."

I frown, confused. "You're gonna have to explain that one to me."

"Sometimes, over a longer period – say a few months – I prefer to top. And sometimes I prefer to bottom. So in the long run, yes, I'm a switcher, but if you ask at a given moment I might not be."

"Right. That's interesting," I say sincerely. "So what're you into lately, then?" I find it strange how easily I'm able to ask him these kinds of questions, how easily he responds. I mean, I know I feel more comfortable asking him _because_ I know it doesn't make him feel awkward, but then I lived with Shikamaru for a year and I still don't know this kind of stuff about him. Not that I'd necessarily want to, but y'know, in comparison to that, this ease with Sasuke makes no sense.

"I've bottomed almost exclusively for about a year now, but in the past couple of months it's been more fifty-fifty." He looks me in the eye and I notice his irises have turned dark, and maybe slightly reddish. It gives me the shivers, though not in an entirely unpleasant way. There's a dangerous charge of energy around him, restless, though he still looks exhausted. My eyes trail down his back, the valley of his spine, the flat hill of his ass, back down his thighs and calves and his skinny ankles and his feet. I've taken a couple of life drawing courses in my time here, and I can't say I'm much good at drawing but damn is it fun to trace the human body that way. With your eyes, with your pencil.

"So, about that massage?" I say.

"…Go on then," he sighs, and lays his head down. "If you're so desperate for an excuse to touch me, you may as well."

"Heh. Can I get you to strip too? It's just that your shirt's gonna get in the way."

He sits up. "I suppose making you undress me would be crossing some sort of line."

"Yeah, probably," I say regretfully. "We're already cutting it fine as is."

"A striptease it is, then." He grabs the bottom of his shirt and slowly peels it off, gradually revealing prominent hip bones, a flat stomach, protruding ribs, dark nipples, a defined collarbone. Damn, he's skinny. And yet, judging from the portions of tonight's dinner, I'll bet he practically eats his own weight in food every day. I am so fucking jealous.

Sasuke lies back down on stomach on the bed. I stand next to the bed, rub my hands together to warm them up a little, and reach over to grasp Sasuke's shoulders. Within moments, though, I can tell this isn't going to work – being so high, the bed is at a bit of an awkward height for this. I try kneeling on the bed next to him, but it's still hard being slightly to his side. And – let's face it – I just really want an excuse to be on top of him. "Oh, fuck it," I say, and swing one leg over him so that my knees are on either side of his hips. I ask, "You don't mind, do you?"

"You're giving me a massage. I'm not about to complain," he replies.

"Good, 'cause I don't think I can hold my weight like this for too long." I press the heels of my hands into his back and he exhales loudly, his eyes closing almost automatically, his brow relaxing.

"Mm… you may as well sit. I can take your weight."

"Because that's not gonna be awkward at all," I mutter, but sit anyway. Of course, the way I'm positioned now, my crotch is right up against his ass and frankly I doubt either of us minds much. The only problem now will be trying not to wake Naruto Junior as Sasuke practically melts into a puddle under me. He could pop a stiffy and I'd never know, but I don't get the same luxury. Anyway, I shouldn't be getting aroused by this in the first place. It feels… unfaithful. I press into a knot in his muscles and he grunts, half in pain, half in relief. I feel heat bubbling in the pit of my stomach. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into, offering a massage. Turns out I had no idea.

"You're really tense," I say, and notice at once that my voice has dropped a couple of tones, lower and quieter now. "What do you do all the time to get knots like this?"

"I sit at a computer anywhere between eight and fifteen hours most days," he mumbles in reply. "Left a bit – ngh. Yes. Right there."

"Tease," I hiss.

He just smirks. "Do it a little harder. Yeah… Naruto… Don't stop. Give it to me, baby."

I locate a particularly tough knot and grind my knuckles into it as punishment. He winces, but the sound that escapes him is still unmistakably a moan. There is no way he isn't doing this at least partly on purpose. The smile playing at his lips tells me he's enjoying himself immensely. His eyes open to meet mine, so dark that for a moment I wonder if he's wearing contacts because those are not the eyes I saw yesterday at the ATM. I swallow hard, suddenly noticing how dry my throat suddenly is, and avert my gaze, fixing it instead on the smooth, pale, perfect skin of his back.

I push my thumbs under his shoulder blades, run my fingers hard down his spine, knead his back with my knuckles. Now and again he tells me to direct my focus somewhere – a bit higher, not so close to the side, circles instead of up and down. I don't stop searching for the spot he wants until I get that breath of satisfaction.

…Ugh, even that sounds suspiciously sexual. It's killing me how responsive he is. I'm trying really, really hard not to get aroused by it all, and eventually I have to stop or I might just rip off his pants and fuck him right in this position. I give his shoulders one last squeeze, then climb off him, go to the other side of the bed, and lean back against the wall near the footboard, heaving a sigh.

"That's gonna have to be it," I tell him. "Any more and I'll be going home with a hard-on."

"You could always work it off in the shower," Sasuke suggests, though he can't keep a straight face. "I'll let you borrow mine if you want."

"What, and jack off knowing you're here listening to me?" Not to mention that it's completely obvious what thoughts I'd be jacking off to.

"Who said I'd be listening?"

"I'm not exactly quiet," I tell him.

He seems to like the sound of this. "I could put music on to drown you out, though not too loudly since it's getting late. Wouldn't want to disturb the dormmates." He props himself up on his elbows and stretches, reminding me of a cat. "Mm. Whoever told you you're good at massages wasn't lying."

"I'll add you to my list of references." I watch as his back arches, hands pressing into the mattress, ribs sticking out something awful, head tilted back with a look of bliss on his face. I can't help imagining him pinned under me and trembling with pleasure. I quickly look away, trying to suppress the flush crawling up my neck.

"You know," he says, "if Blue knew what was happening here he probably wouldn't be very happy. A massage is all good and well, but given my inability not to be turned on by you—"

"Well that's not something I can control, is it?" I retort at once, still refusing to look at him because I just know he's sprawled on the bed in an utterly provocative pose _specifically_ to toy with me. "That massage was a bad idea after all."

"What if we call it repayment for the dinner?"

I frown. "Then it starts to sound like you trying to take advantage of me sexually."

"But it wasn't like that."

"No, but Blue doesn't know that." I roll my eyes. "Why am I even worrying about it? Blue doesn't care what I do. It's me who can't deal with him sleeping around."

Sasuke rolls onto his back to face me, one leg partly bent and leaning against the wall, the other stretched out, his foot near my arm. I finally steal a glance just because I'm curious as to whether or not he was actually hiding an erection this whole time. If he was, it's gone now, so I guess I'll never know. "So you just don't want to be a hypocrite," he says. "I think that's worth something."

"I'm glad you think so."

"Is the sex really that good?"

"Pfft, yeah." I let a grin creep onto my face as I remember the tone of his voice this morning. "He isn't called a god for nothing."

"And he's willing to give up sleeping around to have sex with you. He must really like you."

"You mean he likes my cock."

"No feelings whatsoever?"

"Nope," I say automatically, then think over it again. The way he holds me sometimes… but I expect he's just clingy. He doesn't date, but he's gotta get his cuddles in somehow.

"And you don't have feelings for him either."

I shake my head. "I'm not even friends with him really. He's – how do I put this? Well, he's basically an asshole. Maybe that's why I prefer topping. It gets me off, making that bastard beg."

"Interesting," says Sasuke vaguely. "Do you tell your kinks to everyone the day after you've met them, Naruto?"

I'm not sure I like the edge to his voice. "Of course not," I say, as though to reassure him. "Not _everyone_, anyway, but it's happened. One-night stands, usually."

"I thought you didn't do 'poly stuff'."

"One-night stands aren't poly. That's me sleeping with someone now and again. I generally avoid repeats though."

"Why's that?"

I shrug. "It's not like I sleep with someone once and then never again, it's just – if I'm sleeping with one person for a while I don't really want to sleep with someone else within that time frame, y'know what I mean? I don't multitask."

"Not even if they're okay with it?"

"Evidently, or I'd shack with you right this second. Blue's so far from not okay with it."

"I can't say I really get it," Sasuke admits. "What if you just want to sleep with someone now and again, but don't want to give up sleeping with someone else in the meantime? Isn't it restricting?"

"Well I mean – it just bothers me, okay? Maybe it bothers me, thinking about someone I've slept with banging other people. I know they will and it's not like I'm going to stop them, but I don't really want to be a recurring part of that."

"Not saying this is what it is," he says, "but it almost sounds like you're trying to sleep with as many people as possible, the way you avoid repeats."

"I'm not! Why do you think I'm committed to Blue?"

"What if, hypothetically, you had a one-night stand with someone and never saw them again until you ran into each other years later? Would you sleep with them again, just once?"

"Probably? It's never happened. Why are you asking me all this?" I say, getting a little frustrated. "I just – it starts to feel like a relationship, and then I remember they've been with other people since then and so have I and—"

I realize my voice has been rising in volume. I take a deep breath and force myself not to say anything else. I rest my elbow on my knee and my forehead in my hand, unable to look at Sasuke. Why can't he understand? I get that some people are okay with open relationships. Maybe Sasuke's one of them. If that's his style, fine, but I can't do it. I've tried and I just get really upset about it and…

I hear shuffling and the mattress shifts, and I jump when I realize Sasuke's come right up to me. He reaches out and I flinch, but he simply threads his fingers into my hair and gently scratches my scalp. This is so weird and out of the blue that it takes me a moment to realize it's an incredibly soothing sensation. My agitation clears at once, and my mind is instead filled with a peaceful lull.

"Sasuke… what…?"

"Is it working?" He smiles. "It's a trick I learned from my mom. You seemed really upset, so… I thought it might be worth a shot."

I can't help smiling, partly due to the feeling spreading through my scalp right now. I lean into his touch. "That's… really nice. Though it kind of gives me the shivers."

"They're good shivers." Sasuke keeps it up for a little longer, then combs my hair back down and sits back. I find myself somewhat disappointed at the loss of contact, though I can't say I feel seriously put out about it. I can't feel put out about anything right now. It's like he pulled all the tension out of me. "Sorry about asking you those questions. I didn't realize it would upset you so much."

"Oh, well… I probably shouldn't have gotten so worked up about it," I say. "I've had a bit of a crap day myself. But I do prefer actual relationships to one-night stands even if they're short. Loyalty's important to me."

"And so it should be." He smiles. "It's a good thing."

"I like to think so too."

We fall silent. I'm still mulling over the topic, but I don't really want to ruin the mood, so I don't mention it again. I look at Sasuke, who notices and looks back at me. There's a tranquil look in his eyes, which are back to the same clear grey as when I first met him, and his breathing is slow and steady. His thigh, I only notice now, is pressed against mine, warm and reassuring. And I realize that this feeling I've felt the entire time I've been with Sasuke is one I haven't felt in nearly a year. I can feel an empty space in my heart being filled, that space I discovered not too long ago. The space neither my housemates nor Blue could fill.

"…Sasuke?" I whisper, all too loudly in the soundless room.

"Mm?"

"I have to be in class first thing in the morning," I explain. "Can I camp here for the night?"

I think he knows what I'm asking for. Not sex or romance. Just… friendship, and companionship, and comfort.

"Yeah," he replies. "It'd be more convenient for you."

"It would." I heave a deep sigh and carefully lean my head against his shoulder. He leans his head on top of mine. We just stay like that, not saying anything, and I feel a contentment in my heart that says I'm right where I should be.

* * *

Looks like we're going to have to go back to an update a week. I'm _still_ on chapter nine. Though it does look like it's going to wrap up soon. Still, I don't really know where the story's going yet and I don't want to catch up with myself too soon.

R+F


	6. Quoth the Raven

**Chapter Six: **Quoth the Raven

**Words: **4153

* * *

A gentle, repetitive noise finds its way into my mind, stirring me from unconsciousness with nothing but the trained notion that this sound means it's time to be somewhere. It takes a while, but I eventually pinpoint the word _alarm_. My phone's going off on the bedside table. I tap the big red snooze button and close my eyes again.

Only then do I feel the pair of arms wrapped around my middle, the chest pressed against my back, the legs tangled with mine. The sensation is so unfamiliar that I open my eyes again, doing a double-take as I realize the bedside table isn't one I recognize.

"Mmn… morning," mumbles a sleepy voice behind me.

Oh. Right.

The warning lights should've gone off from the beginning – though I've sometimes ended up spooning with Blue or Sakura or Sai, I've always been the big spoon, as it were. But there's something disarmingly comforting about Sasuke holding me like this, nuzzling my hair with his nose, his thumb brushing my collarbone. It makes me want to sink into the mattress and just stay here all day.

"Another ten minutes," I tell him, covering his hand with my own.

I'm so glad Sasuke convinced me I didn't have to sleep on the floor last night. "I don't have a sleeping bag anyway," he said when I asked. "There's enough space on my bed for the two of us, if we squish."

"I am not opposed to squishing," I told him.

And that was that.

Sasuke shifts in bed. "Snooze is for the weak. Get up."

"Don't wanna." I grip his hands to stop him from leaving. He struggles a bit, then gives up and squeezes me tightly instead.

"My head isn't pounding," he says into the back of my neck, "so I take it I didn't get black-out drunk and fuck you last night."

"No sex was had," I reply, my voice more disappointed than it has any right to be. I manage to turn over in his arms so that I'm facing him. He's smiling, his nose inches away from mine. I can't help returning the smile.

"I can't say I'm particularly well-versed in sleeping with someone I didn't actually sleep with," Sasuke says, "but it's not bad."

"Pff, understatement of the year. The only way it would be better is if we actually had slept together." I sigh, because this is reminding me how by all rights I shouldn't be in this man's bed, in his arms, gazing into his eyes with a dumb smile on my face. There's nothing I can do about the fact that we woke up snuggled against each other – we were definitely apart when we went to bed, though I guess maybe Sasuke could have grabbed me in the middle of the night – but now that I'm awake I don't really have any excuses. I think of Blue and guilt lances through me. Sasuke seems to notice my tension and lets me go, and I sit up.

"What do you want for breakfast?" he asks as I swing my legs out of bed. He makes to get up as well, but I put a hand on his shoulder and push him back.

"I don't need anything," I tell him. "Go back to bed. Sorry about waking you."

"I was planning on having an early start anyway. You should eat." But he stays where he is for a little longer. I could get used to that sight. He looks so comfortable, so… _cute_. I never imagined I'd use that word to describe Sasuke, but I can see his form curled up with the duvet all tucked in around him and it just makes me want to sit next to him and stroke his hair and watch him fall asleep. I can't help it; I reach out and brush his bangs from his eyes, and the corners of his mouth turn upwards. What am I doing?

"You already fed me dinner," I say. "I'll be fine. I skip breakfast a lot anyway. I have to catch the bus every day, so I'm usually out the door ten minutes after waking."

"How do you get through the morning?" he asks, incredulous.

"Breakfast is for the weak."

"You'll be weak if you don't eat breakfast." He finally sits up, yawning. His hair's all over the place. It's adorable. "Come on. I'll make you eggs and bacon."

I can't hide the way my entire day brightens. "Fuck yes. Consider me converted."

He chuckles and gently pushes me out of the way to reach his drawers. "You might consider putting some clothes on first, hm? It's too early to knock out half the dorm with the sight of your mostly naked body."

"Oh, let them swoon," I say, but grab my clothes off his chair. I'm used to sleeping in my boxers, and sleeping in my day clothes would've been annoying anyway. Sasuke said he didn't mind, except for the fact that it'd make it hard for us not to get it on. He was right – he sleeps in his underwear too – but we managed. Somehow. I have to say that Sasuke's ass looks great in briefs. So does his package, while we're on the subject. His crotch could model for Calvin Klein. Hot damn. I'm sad to see it get tucked away into a pair of skinny jeans that definitely don't look like they have enough room for that kind of a deal.

"I swear, the fact that I can't ravish you right now is the biggest travesty that ever was," I say as I pull on my own jeans. "Your body is taunting me. It's not fair."

"Trust me, having you in my room overnight and not being able to fuck you is travesty enough." He goes into his drawers and selects a V-neck argyle vest to go over a casual white dress shirt tucked into his jeans. He frowns at the mirror. "Too geeky?"

"You can't ask me that; you'd look good in anything. And I love a man in argyle." Once again succumbing to temptation, I go up behind him and reach around to tug down the hem of the vest, my knuckles brushing against the fabric of his jeans. When he leans back a little to close the gap between us, though, I come to my senses and carefully step back. I meet his eyes in the mirror; he seems to be somewhere between confusion and disappointment. I don't know what to tell him, except maybe sorry.

"Well, if that's your verdict, it'll do just fine," he finally says. "Come on, hurry up and get dressed."

"Yes, _mom_." I pull on my shirt and give my hair a shake, then check myself in Sasuke's mirror. It doesn't look much different than it did upon waking, but then it doesn't look much different from yesterday either. Some people spend ages in front of a mirror with a ton of gel trying to get a just-rolled-out-of-bed look to work in public. Mine just _does_. "It'll do," I declare.

"Oh yes," says Sasuke, "that definitely says 'I just had the best fuck of my life.' Time to go parade your sex hair."

"My hair is always like this."

"Well, if I'm to take your word for it, every time you've fucked in the past little while has been the best fuck of your life."

"True enough. What about you? Your ducktail's looking a little ruffled."

He snorts. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me." I reach out and run my fingers through his hair, combing it back, where it naturally flicks back into his usual style, if a little wonky. I definitely thought he'd styled the look himself with hair gel, but it would seem it's natural. That explains why his hair didn't look like there was any product in it. "If it's any consolation, the duck-butt look really works for you."

"Actually that sounds more like a backhanded compliment," he says, though his voice is soft.

"I guess it does a bit. But I mean it in a good way." I spend a moment smoothing out a kinked section of his hair with my fingers, not missing the look of comfort on his face at my actions. "There you go, little duckling."

"I'm not a duckling," he says noncommittally. "You're closer in colour."

"Actually, Indian runner ducks can be black. We once had this adorable little guy – he was all black except for gold patches on his head and chest. Then he grew up and we ate him," I finish, somewhat quietly.

Sasuke obviously doesn't know what to say to that. "Uh… is this a regular thing?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you, didn't I? My parents live out in the country, so we keep some animals around. Fresh meat is so much better than what you get at the grocery store."

"Right, that makes a lot more sense. Unfortunately the bacon and eggs I have are not fresh off the pig's back and out the chicken's ass, as it were, but they'll have to do." He traipses into the bathroom and hands me the toothbrush he lent me yesterday. There's a couple minutes of silence as we brush our teeth, then take turns at the sink. While I'm rinsing out my mouth, Sasuke laces up a pair of navy Converse. I jam on my own worn-down trainers and we head out of his room.

The kitchen is no better today than it was yesterday. I did manage to convince Sasuke to let me help him wash up our stuff last night, but the rest is as awful as what I'm assuming is usual. I fill the kettle while Sasuke sets up at the stove, then, as he cooks, I sit at the counter and we chat. I haven't had a proper cooked breakfast in _ages_. When the kettle's done I hop of the stool to snoop through Sasuke's cupboard.

"I'm assuming you want coffee?" I ask, finding instant coffee and several varieties of tea.

"Yeah. Help yourself to whatever."

"Don't mind if I do. You don't have hot chocolate?"

He shakes his head. "Can't say I'm a huge fan."

"Aw, man. Now you've gone and ruined breakfast."

I pull out the coffee, a teabag and a couple of mugs, then glance over to see that Sasuke's looking at me with an almost hurt look on his face.

"I – I was just kidding!" I say quickly. "You didn't think I was being serious?"

"No, of course not." He smiles, but it doesn't quite erase the expression in his eyes. I find myself feeling guilty and distressed, worried that I'd genuinely offended him. I mean, it'd be a stupid thing to get offended over; I don't think Sasuke's that kind of guy and I doubt he thought I meant it, but it still concerns me almost irrationally that I might have gone and said something stupid to make him think I don't appreciate him making me food.

"Sorry," I say quietly. "I didn't mean to – I mean, you're cooking for me for the second time now; I shouldn't be saying anything at all. It was insensitive of me."

I busy myself making our drinks in the silence that follows, finding milk and sugar to add to my tea and about to ask Sasuke how he wants his coffee before remembering he takes it black. I leave his mug on the counter for him and sit back in my stool, nursing my tea, feeling dumb. I just had to go and make a stupid joke and ruin the mood, didn't I? If anyone's ruined breakfast, it's me. I should just leave before it gets any worse.

"Hey."

I look up just in time to get poked in the forehead. "Ow."

"Stop looking so much like an abandoned puppy. I already took you home and fed you; you have no right to be like that." He slides a plate full of food onto the counter in front of me. "Come on, chin up and eat up."

I have to smile. "Thanks, Sasuke."

"And thank you for the coffee." He sits next to me and takes a long swig. I feel his knee press reassuringly against mine under the counter, and I press back, grateful for this connection beyond words.

We're allowed about two minutes of actual companionable silence as we eat before we hear someone tear up the hall. I glance sideways at the door to see a familiar face peek through the window in it, then it opens and Suigetsu pokes his head in, all sharp teeth and knowing grins.

"Good _moooor_ning," he croons, staring straight at me. I actually back up a little in my seat.

"Morning, Suigetsu," Sasuke replies in a completely normal tone of voice. It's clear that this is meant to deter Suigetsu from any stupid shenanigans, but I'm willing to bet Suigetsu's developed an immunity to it. Sasuke nudges my knee gently again and I immediately feel reassured.

"Fancy seeing you here, Naruto," Suigetsu comments, pushing the kitchen door fully open and leaning against it. "I was kinda surprised. Karin camped in the hall for ages waiting for you to leave and you never did, but I figured you knew or something and you'd sneak out as soon as she was gone."

"Karin's a creep," I say with a roll of my eyes. "She was probably listening for the sound of Sasuke's bed creaking."

"_Rhythmically_," Suigetsu adds, "yes. She's a creep, but she's also an idiot for mentioning it last night. You guys didn't do it on the bed, did you? Foiled her with your wit and cunning. Or maybe just your creativity. After all, the bed's the most boring place to get it on."

"For your information, Suigetsu, we did not have sex," says Sasuke, as calmly as ever, though there's a tension in his leg pressed against mine now. "He made it clear that he's in a committed… relationship, as it were… and I'm not going to breach that any more than he is."

"What, so you just kicked Naruto onto the floor like some stray dog you brought in?"

"Can people stop making dog analogies about me?" I say, because I'm not yet ready to admit to anyone, let alone Suigetsu, that I slept in Sasuke's bed with him. "Not that I particularly mind, but dogs have always been Kiba's thing. It just feels weird."

"Go back to your own kitchen, Suigetsu," Sasuke says. "It's too early in the morning for your obnoxious voice."

"Pff, fine. I'll just let Karin know that Naruto prefers it anywhere but the bed. On the desk, or in the shower, or…"

"Stop fantasizing about us and get _out_." Sasuke makes to stand up, but a look of terror flashes on Suigetsu's face and he's gone before Sasuke's feet hit the floor. Sasuke looks relieved at this. "Thank goodness he has some sense of fear."

"Yeah, he seemed pretty frightened considering he has the balls to taunt you about your sex life. What're you gonna do about it?"

"Part of me wants to say Suigetsu won't tell Karin due to fear of my wrath, but then I know those two are thick as thieves. And Karin's something of a fan of gossip…" He frowns. "Is this going to damage your relationship with Blue?"

"What, if he hears a rumour about me sleeping with someone? Probably."

Sasuke sighs and pulls his stool closer to mine before sitting back down. I hook my foot around his, not feeling guilty so much as… feeling guilty _about_ not feeling guilty, if that makes any sense. Like I know I shouldn't be doing this, know I shouldn't be as comfortable as I am. But Sasuke's presence is so reassuring that it manages to erase even that.

"I'll talk to them," Sasuke says. "I can't promise anything, but I think I have a fair amount of influence over them."

"You don't have to," I tell him. In fact, I'm almost hoping he doesn't, hoping Karin will destroy my relationship with Blue so that I don't have to. But then Sasuke's probably got some sort of reputation to uphold too, and I don't want to be labelled as a cheater. News and judgment spread fast among the actors; if one person gets wind of it…

Sasuke insists, "They shouldn't be concerned with our sex lives anyway. Or the illusion thereof."

"Pff, don't remind me." I sigh. "Everything could be so easy."

"Mm." Sasuke is gazing out the window, where a magpie hops along in the grass pecking for food. "If only, if only."

"Wrong bird. You'll want a woodpecker."

"Fine. One for sorrow?"

"Two for joy," I correct him, pointing. Another magpie has come to join the first in foraging. I stuff the last of my breakfast into my mouth and down it with the remainder of my tea. "Let's hope for the best."

"Were it 11:11, I know what I'd be wishing for." He grabs my plate and mug to bring to the sinkside counter, then glances at the clock on the wall. "But alas, it is only a quarter past nine."

"Already?" I check my phone. Its clock matches the kitchen's. "I'd better get going."

"Want me to walk you to class?" he asks, somewhat jokingly, as we head back to his room so I can grab my bag.

"I wouldn't mind that, actually." I meet his eyes and can't help a smile. As casual as our new friendship already is, neither of us seems to really want to leave the other anytime soon. At least I don't, and it's the vibe I'm getting from him too.

Once I have my stuff, Sasuke locks up and we head back out onto campus. It's pretty cold today, especially so early in the morning; I zip my coat all the way up and stuff my hands in my pockets. It's the kind of day where I wish I had someone to snuggle with while I'm outside, someone whose pockets I could stick my hands in so that we could share the heat of our hands together. As it were I'll have to settle for cuddling up on the couch with Sakura and Sai when I get home, or maybe we'll all hop under the covers together at bedtime. One thing's for certain – nights when I sleep alone in a bed are rare. And for that I'm glad; sleeping without a body next to mine feels wrong now. Interestingly, sleeping next to Sasuke felt even more right than usual, even though I'm not used to being the little spoon.

"So, Naruto," says Sasuke, his breath forming clouds in the air, "I don't suppose I'll get the honour of meeting the Blue God, will I?"

"Wh—" This catches me off guard. I didn't even consider that Blue might be there, that he might meet Sasuke. If he did, what would the chances be of him figuring out that something was up between us? "Uh, I think that might not be the best idea."

"Hmm." Sasuke watches my eyes carefully, and I know he's trying to read me, trying to figure out why I'd say that.

"I mean, it's not like I can stop you or anything," I go on. "If you happen to run into him on campus one day, or whatever. He's not exactly hard to miss. But…"

"No, I get it." He smiles. "If it makes you feel better, I'll avoid initiating anything. But if he talks to me—"

"Then by all means don't ignore him," I say, feeling dumb for even caring. I stop in front of the doors into the studio. This shouldn't be a problem. Blue knows a lot of my friends, and that's what Sasuke is. A new friend. A new friend I desperately want to fuck, but he shouldn't be seen any differently than anyone else. I mean, let's face it, I wanna fuck my housemates too. Just… God, why is this so hard? I sigh, scratch the back of my head. "Look. I'm just making this difficult. You can meet him if you want—"

"But is it what _you_ want?"

"What I want doesn't matter."

"Sure it does." He reaches out and tucks a stray lock of hair behind my ear, and the look in his eyes makes my heart jump. "It matters to me. I'll do what I can."

"Sasuke…"

His smile turns wistful. "Don't say my name like that," he murmurs.

"Then don't—" My brow furrows and I look away. I can't do this – I can't let myself feel this way. "Never mind. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Naruto?" There's concern, and maybe even a little hurt, in his voice. I can't stand it.

I take a deep breath and think about Blue, about the fact that I'm in a relationship. I let the guilt hit me and I cling to it. It's what keeps me at arm's length from Sasuke. I will not do this.

"Sorry," I say to him, and my voice is thankfully calm and casual. Feeling more in control, I turn and smile. I won't let the look in his eyes break my defences. "It's just that for a second there, I thought you might've fallen victim to my infinite charisma."

I am so, so thankful he snorts with laughter at this. Thankful he finds it absurd and not endearing – or at least, that's what he's pretending. It's what I'm pretending, but I can't do this alone.

"How could I have forgotten about that razor-sharp wit of yours?" he says with an amused roll of his eyes.

"I like to give the wit a rest now and then. There's only so much I can produce at once before I have to recharge."

"Now that definitely sounds like a euphemism." He smirks. "I'd heard the Orange Lightning has the endurance to match his aforementioned charisma."

"You've not heard wrong," I grin. Yes, I'm much more comfortable with the banter and innuendos. We've already come to the agreement that we both want to fuck the living daylights out of each other, and that this isn't currently possible. And we both know we enjoy each other's company and have each found a friend in the other. Any more than that finds itself on new, shaky ground that I'm not quite ready to tread yet.

A couple of fellow actors nod hello to me as they head into the studio. I smile back. "I should probably get going," I tell Sasuke. "No need to keep you here in the cold any longer."

"I don't mind," he says. "The cold doesn't bother me much. If you don't like it, though—"

"Well, I'm not a fan, but I can stand a bit of a chill," I say. Truth is, I just don't want to part ways. As conflicted as I'm feeling right now, as much as I think I need time to myself to think this through, I just don't want to be out of Sasuke's company.

He seems to understand, however. "I do have your number now," he reminds me. "I'll call you sometime."

I'm doubtful about this – calling seems dangerously intimate. I don't talk on the phone much, I guess. I wouldn't mind hearing Sasuke's voice, though. "I have class all day, but I can text at breaks," I offer. Texting is much more manageable.

"Sure. And remember, you still owe me a coffee."

"So I do," I say with a smile. This makes me feel better about parting – it's a promise that we'll see each other again. "I expect you'll chase me down until I pay you back for that, won't you?"

"You can count on it." He glances sideways, where a scrawny-looking raven has landed on a bench and is croaking mournfully. "Just ask the raven."

I look from the bird to Sasuke, who's sweeping raven-black hair from his face. "Oh, I know this one." I clear my throat, put myself in the scholar's shoes, and recite: "_Other friends have flown before. __On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before._"

"_Then the bird said, 'Nevermore.'_" Sasuke smiles. "You aren't getting rid of me so easily."

"I doubt that one can talk," I say.

"No, but they can certainly learn. Perhaps we ought to teach it."

"Why bother? I've got a raven right here who's perfectly capable of composing complete sentences, let alone the word 'nevermore.' "

Sasuke raises an eyebrow. "I thought you said I was a duckling. I can't be both."

"Hmm." I look back to the raven on the bench, who caws one more time before taking flight. "Fine. You can be the duckling."

"Sounds good to me. I'll be heading off, then," he says. "I'll text you. See you later, Fishcakes."

"Bye, Little Duckling."

* * *

I'm done writing chapter ten, yay! At this point I'm pretty much using these author's notes to keep track of when I'm done which chapter. Since I know my updating schedule, it gives me an idea of how fast I'm writing.

Thanks for reading!

R+F


	7. Simple and Pure

**Chapter Seven: **Simple and Pure

**Words: **4669

Writing status: about halfway through chapter eleven. So far averaging about one a week?

We get to meet a couple of old friends this chapter. If you've read Two Face, you'll see what I mean. If not, well, don't worry about it. Enjoy!

* * *

The smile on Sasuke's face is irresistible as he turns and heads back across campus. I know my face is split in a dumb grin of my own, but I can't bring myself to tear my eyes away from his back. I feel like I could withstand anything today.

"Who was that?"

I whip around, startled by a familiar voice, and end up face to face with Blue.

"Oh. Morning," I say. Blue doesn't look angry or even confused, just a little curious. "Friend of mine."

"He's got a cute butt," Blue says, staring over my shoulder. A flame of annoyance lights in my chest at this, but I say nothing. Then his eyes return to me. "It's cold. Should we go inside?"

I don't reply verbally, instead heading for the door, letting Blue follow along behind. Blue will be a test of my mood. We'll see if the lingering happiness of spending the night with Sasuke can keep the irritation from Blue's presence at bay.

Thinking about it, though, it's not much of a challenge. I have to deal with Blue almost every day; I've gotten used to it, so it's no longer something that drags me down. Otherwise I'd probably have depression by now. Though come to think of it, it's been so long since I've had a genuinely good day on a day where I've had to interact with him. Any day I'm around him caps on the enjoyability metre at "not bad," sex aside – except for yesterday and the day before, which were both days when I saw Sasuke.

We're early; class isn't due to start for another ten minutes. Probably Blue showed up at this time 'cause he knows it's when my bus gets in. Dunno why, to be honest, because he knows I don't like socializing with him and generally leaves me alone. Even now, as we enter the studio, all he does is kiss me on the cheek before heading off to hang out with his usual group of friends. None of my gang is here yet, so I drop off my bag by the wall and go sit by the window where we usually hang out.

My text tone goes off in my pocket and my thoughts immediately jump to Sasuke. He wouldn't already be texting me, would he? He said he'd text me at the break. Most courses seem to have breaks at the same time, to my knowledge, so he'd know when I get off. Who else could it be? Blue's here, too busy talking obnoxiously to use his phone. Sakura's got the day off; Sai doesn't have a scheduled class but will want to use his studio so he'll probably sleep in. Oh, I know – it's probably Kiba. He and I sometimes chat first thing in the morning. I'm just being dumb. There's no way it'd be Sasuke already.

I pull out my phone. To my surprise, the text from a number I don't know: _Hey, Fishcakes. You alone?_

My heart jumps. That can't be anyone else. Quickly I type back, _For now. Why?_ While I wait for an answer I save Sasuke's number in my contacts under the name _Little Duckling_. I don't know why; I'm usually pretty strict about my contact list, but I like the nickname too much to pass it up. A little notification pops up along with a buzz and a noise, and I quickly go back to read the new message.

_My bed still smells like you. Just thought I'd let you know._

This makes me smile again, though if anyone saw that message it'd be pretty incriminating. I'm glad he asked first. My friends have a tendency to read over my shoulder. I glance around to see whether anyone's going to join me, then reply, _I appreciate the sentiment. I probably have your smell all over me too._

_I'm liking the sound of that._

_You would._

_Would it be crossing a line to tell you I just want to lie here and jack off to your smell?_

_YES,_ I send at once, then follow up with, _Maybe. I can't stop you but it'd be pretty unfair._

_I should call you and say dirty things while I masturbate. I can't really type with one hand. Anyway I know you want to hear me get off._

_Does that thought turn you on?_

_You have no idea._

_Oh, I do. But I'd rather not get a boner in the studio. You're gonna have to go it solo._

_Isn't that what I'm doing already?_

_Shhhhh._

I hear a familiar voice call my name and glance up. Kiba tosses his bag next to mine and comes to join me. "Hey," I say, and send to Sasuke, _Audience alert._

"What's up?" asks Kiba. "Who you texting?"

"Just Sai," I say, discreetly angling the screen away from Kiba. He doesn't usually actively try to read my texts, but if the screen's within visibility he won't stop himself. "What's up?"

"Me, unfortunately. Much rather be sleeping." As though to demonstrate, he yawns. "Oh man, I had this wicked dream last night…"

Kiba recounts a series of surreal adventures while I await Sasuke's reply. Honestly I'm not listening too hard to what Kiba's saying; I keep my mind in the conversation just enough to avoid saying anything stupid and direct most of my attention towards my phone. Sasuke's replied: _Right. Well you'd better wipe this conversation from your phone. Talk to you later Fishcakes._

_See ya Duckbutt,_ I send.

"…And then Sakura punched me in the balls—"

I blink. "Wait, what?"

"Except it didn't hurt, right? It was really fucking weird, but I'm not gonna complain," Kiba says with a shrug.

"Slow the fuck down, Kiba. When did this happen?"

"In my dream, like I said! Weren't you listening?"

"Oh. I guess not. Sorry." I turn to my phone, but I haven't gotten any more messages, so I lock it and slip it in my pocket. "You were saying?"

He frowns at me. "You okay? You seem really out of it."

"It's nothing, just… didn't get much sleep last night." It's partly true – Sasuke and I were up 'til about two in the morning just lying in his bed talking. I don't function nearly as well on seven and a half hours as I do on eight; six is definitely not enough for me. "The teach is here. We'd better get started."

We spend the morning doing voice exercises and the afternoon in singing class. I love voice days; I'm pretty good at projecting my voice and being expressive. Gotta work on my enunciation, though. Sometimes I mumble or trip over my own words when I'm nervous. Or just whenever. I text Sasuke during breaks and at lunch, and call him after I get home and shut myself in my room.

"Hey, Duckbutt," I say, once he picks up.

"Oh, it's the Fishcake ninja." His words are dismissive, but he sounds genuinely happy to hear from me. "How was your day?"

"Fine. We did voice exercises."

"Explains why you sound a bit hoarse," Sasuke says. "I was about to ask if you were coming down with something."

"Nah. What about you?"

"I just got over the flu last week; my immune system should keep me going for at least a month."

"I meant your day, idiot."

"I lay in bed until it stopped smelling like you and then I did some work."

"You didn't actually get off on my smell, did you?" I ask incredulously.

"I don't believe this is an appropriate topic of conversation," he says in a way that obviously means yes.

I laugh. "I can't believe you. You're… I dunno, Sasuke. Just _you_. You're fucking amazing."

"I try," he says, mirth in his voice.

We talk until the free evening minutes of Sasuke's phone plan are up, then text the rest of the night. The next day I don't have class, so I just lounge around at home, doing a bit of reading, getting some homework done. I go to the gym. I do my laundry. I get my ass handed to me in Super Smash Bros by Sakura. An all-around productive day, but my mind's still on Sasuke. The whole weekend continues like that: I chat with him through texts, as well as on Skype's instant messaging system, and it's interesting enough to get me through the various chores I have to deal with. We banter about visiting each other, but it never happens – I don't have any business on campus or anywhere near it, and there's literally nothing to be done out by Terra Park if you're not going to someone's house. Somehow we just get too caught up doing our own stuff to hang out. But on Sunday night, we make a promise to meet up at some point on Monday. _It's a date then,_ he texts, and I can't help but smile.

Class on Monday is improv, meaning that besides the voice and body warm-ups, practice is pretty demanding. There's no room in my mind to be distracted by thoughts of Sasuke. There's no time to stop and consider – you just have to do what you're told, respond to what your team's been given. You can never stop thinking. It can be stressful, but it's also exhilarating. I've always been a pretty spontaneous sort of person anyway. There's a strange push-and-pull of time, a sense that you don't have enough time to really come up with what you need to act out a scenario, but you're thinking so fast that suddenly we've gone right through break to lunch and I didn't even notice.

I head right for my phone while everyone else lines up at the water dispenser to rehydrate. Besides a text from a friend asking if I'm on campus for lunch, the only message I have is from Sasuke about an hour ago wondering whether I forgot about him completely since I didn't text him at break when I said I would. I feel a little guilty at this – I did think about it briefly when I realized we were running into break time, but then I completely forgot because I was too busy trying to improvise being an ostrich on an airplane. I put on my coat, grab my bag, and exit the studio, wanting to call Sasuke but preferring to go outside to talk. I'm walking across the grounds and writing a text to Sasuke when someone latches onto my arm.

"Hey, babe," comes a sing-song voice. I sigh and shake Blue off, but he falls in step as I walk. "You doing anything for lunch?"

"Yeah, actually," I say with a frown. "I'm meeting someone."

"Don't suppose you have time for a quickie before—"

But I shake my head. "We used the last condom in the bathroom stall last week, remember?"

"Hmm, yeah. I could run to the shop for more." His hand slides up my arm and across my back, sending shivers down my spine. "I'll meet you at the studio ten minutes before the end of lunch?"

"Sure," I say, without much enthusiasm.

Blue jumps in front of me and grabs my shoulders before pulling me into a fierce kiss, immediately wiping my mind of all thought. By the time I can figure out what's going on, I have my arms wrapped tightly around his torso and I'm dominating the kiss, nipping at his lips and sucking on his tongue. It takes me some effort to separate myself from him, panting, buzzing with desire. The smile that appears on his face is satisfied, seductive.

"See you later then, sexy," he says, and heads off.

I stare at his ass for a while, then sigh. Already I'm mentally preparing for the promised quickie; it takes me a moment to remember what I was doing before Blue interrupted me. Right, texting Sasuke. Another little pang of guilt hits my chest. Somehow Blue and Sasuke don't sit well together in my mind. I sigh and finish my text: _Sorry about that, we ended up not getting a break at all. You free for lunch?_

It's a moment before I get a reply. _Sure am. Meet in the cafeteria?_

_Deal._ I lock my phone and head for the caf.

It isn't until I'm sitting at a table waiting for Sasuke that I remember my friend's text from before. And even then it doesn't cross my mind until I see a flash of fluffy, reddish-brown hair coming towards me. Before I can make up my mind about whether to say hi or try to avoid being seen, I hear another familiar voice behind me: "Hey, Naruto."

I turn and smile. "Shiroi. Hey." Well, there goes my escape plan.

"This seat taken?" he asks, pointing at the one beside me.

"Nope."

"Well it is now!" Takeshi appears out of nowhere, hip-checks Shiroi, and plants himself in the chair. He puts down his tray of food and grins at me. "You didn't answer my text, so I thought you weren't gonna be around."

"Yeah, got a bit caught up," I reply as Shiroi takes the seat across from me. "I'm actually already meeting another friend for lunch—"

"Traitor!" Takeshi gasps at once.

"—but I'm sure he wouldn't mind if you joined us," I finish. "You're awfully perky today, aren't you? What, did you get laid or something?"

Shiroi chokes on a mouthful of food. Takeshi, alarmed, offers him his water bottle, which he takes gratefully.

I'm dumbfounded. "What, really?"

"You're _good_," Takeshi says, eyeing me suspiciously.

"I was kidding!" Takeshi and Shiroi have been best friends since before they could walk, dating since middle school. But thanks to some… ah… mistakes they made in the past, they've generally stayed away from intercourse. I know they've been a lot more comfortable about it since I first met them during frosh week, but they constantly have to explain to new friends that no, they don't actually fuck each other. I've always admired their refusal to give in to peer pressure; I'm sure that when they made the decision, it was on their own terms. "I don't know what to say. Congrats, I guess?"

"That's it?" Takeshi says, though he's still beaming. "No 'it's about time, you wusses'? No needling us for details on who topped?"

I am curious, honestly, but I figured I'd wait for them to tell me instead of trying to pressure them. I can't actually tell what the answer is. I don't want to take any hints from their attitudes – Takeshi's always been pretty confident about himself no matter what the situation, while Shiroi tends to embarrass easily about this kind of thing – but then I know Takeshi came out the worse of them when they had a go the first time. That doesn't necessarily mean anything, though. "Well if you want to share…" I say.

"When's your friend showing up?" asks Shiroi pointedly. His cheeks are beet red, his eyes fixed on his food.

"Right about now," says a voice behind me. I look up. Sure enough, it's Sasuke, all decked out in a sleek black waistcoat open over a casual button-down shirt and dark, fitted slacks. He notices me giving him the once-over and smirks. "Hey there."

"Hey," I say with a grin. One thing I love about gays is that they really know how to dress. "I just ran into these guys. This is Takeshi," I say, pointing, then move on to Shiroi and continue, "and… this is also Takeshi."

Shiroi laughs. "Takeshi and I spend a lot of time together, so most people call me Shiroi."

Sasuke takes in Shiroi's bleached hair. "Apt. Naruto, I don't suppose you're already done eating, are you?" he asks, taking in the empty space in front of me on the table.

"Nah, got distracted by these two goofs." I get up. "We'll be back in a bit."

Sasuke and I head off towards the hot food line. I can hear the name twins giggling about something. I glance back at them, and Takeshi gives me a thumbs up. I roll my eyes and turn away.

"So you've deemed those two friends of yours fit for me to meet?" Sasuke asks calmly, humour in his eyes.

"Pff, you can meet anyone you want. I already said, I'm not stopping you." I stick my hands in my pockets. I can't stop staring at Sasuke. He looks so ridiculously good. Geeky, smart, casual – he's managed it all so far. Somehow I feel like he'd be able to pull off pretty much any look. "Like I said, I just bumped into them. How was your morning?"

"I just got up," he says. "You?"

"Pretty intense. Improv is always a mental workout, and we went right through break and everything. I can't believe I have to go back this afternoon."

"You could skip…" says Sasuke dubiously. "Spend the afternoon with me instead."

"That'd be pretty great. I guess I could; my name's already on the attendance list. But they'd notice I'm gone. Anyway, it's not like it's not fun, just… really tiring. You know, I didn't think you'd be the type to play hooky."

"I'm not such a goody two-shoes as to frown upon missing a class now and then. In any case, I'd gladly skip a lecture to play hooky with you."

I swear, this guy is gonna steal my heart. I'm smiling like an idiot again as I step up to order. I get a burger and fries; Sasuke opts for a chicken salad wrap, and we move down the line towards the till. I pull a ten dollar bill out of my pocket and get the cashier to ring up both the meals before Sasuke can say a word.

"Consider it payback," I tell him.

"All I bought you was coffee."

"And then you made me dinner _and_ breakfast. This doesn't even begin to cover it," I say, getting my change back from the cashier. We grab our plates and head for the cutlery table.

"I wasn't expecting compensation for that," he says. "Your continued company is payment enough."

"I'm honoured." I load up on ketchup and grab some napkins and then we head back to the table. "But you know I'd spend time with you whether or not you offered me food."

"Oh, I know. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy cooking for two." He smiles. "It's a lot less lonely."

"You never cook with your dormmates?" I ask as we sit down. The name twins are engaged in a conversation of their own, about the song Takeshi's been working on.

"Seldom. They piss me off too much. And sometimes I don't bother to make dinner at all."

"What? Why?" This worries me. Does he struggle with anorexia or something? He could, considering how skinny he is – but no, I've seen how he eats. I see how he's eating now. No one who's afraid of gaining weight would put away that much food in a sitting. Still, the concept of skipping a meal is so foreign to me that I'm not entirely sure Sasuke's healthy.

"Don't look so concerned. I'm just lazy. The state of the kitchen tends to put me off as well," he admits. "Whenever I go in there my mood just plummets. Every little thing ticks me off – the crumbs all around the toaster, the stove a mess, mould in the fridge, trash everywhere. I end up doing sixty percent of the cleaning in there just because I'm the only one who can't stand it."

"That's awful. Have you tried talking to the people you share it with?"

"Of course. Doesn't change things."

I frown. "If it's bothering you to the point where you're avoiding it…"

"I can't say it doesn't affect me, but it's not the sole reason," he says, as though trying to reassure me. "It's not that I'm avoiding the kitchen or anything."

"If you're sure…" I'm not really convinced. "Well, you ought to come over sometime. My cooking isn't nearly as great as yours, but at least our kitchen's always semi-clean. Oh! You knew my housemate. Remember Sakura? She told me you were her neighbour."

The recognition in his eyes is immediate. "Really? I haven't seen her in years. How is she?"

"Absolutely gorgeous," I say with a smile. "Even you would fall for her."

His eyebrows go up. I could swear he looked happy when I mentioned her, but it's gone now. "I'm not attracted to women."

"That's how beautiful she is! And she's not androgynous or anything. I mean, she's not exactly busty, but she's definitely filled out. I've seen pictures from when she was younger," I add. "That's how I know."

"Hmm." Sasuke takes a bite of his wrap, gaze fixed on something in the distance.

"Are you waffling on about your housemates again?" Takeshi asks, and only then do I realize that he and Shiroi haven't said anything since we sat down. They finished up their conversation and then fell silent, probably just listening to me and Sasuke. I know Shiroi tends to be more of a listener than a speaker, but Takeshi's almost as much of a blabbermouth as me, so this is a bit odd to notice. "Don't mind him, Sasuke. He'll tell anyone about anyone he thinks is hot."

"It's worth nothing that he's typically more interested in someone's personality than their looks," Shiroi adds. "Both his housemates are lovely people. If a bit strange, in Sai's case."

"I suppose exceptions get made for sex gods?" Sasuke asks coolly.

I frown. "You're awfully frigid all of a sudden."

Sasuke looks at me sharply and I find myself caught in a gaze that is far from icy – in fact, it's so heated I feel a shudder run down my spine. I can't make myself look away, but at the same time I'm finding it hard to hold my own against such a powerful stare.

"Uh, Shiroi's got a class to be at," Takeshi says quickly. "We'll see you later, Naruto. Nice to meet you, Sasuke."

Sasuke finally looks away, allowing me to release a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding. "Nice to meet you," says Sasuke, waving. He watches the name twins hurry off, then goes on, "You know, I think I would like to come over for dinner… if you're offering."

I blink. It can't be coincidence that that's the exact way Sasuke answered the "sex" question when I first met him. I can't think what he means by it, though. In fact, I'm so confused by his abrupt change of mood that I don't even know where to begin.

"Well, I did suggest it," I say finally. "You free Wednesday night? I have a lecture in the afternoon, so we could take the bus together afterwards."

"Sounds good." He finishes off his food, then nicks a fry from my plate. The smirk he shoots me is casual, almost playful, as though the heavy air of the conversation was never there.

"Hey." I pull my plate away from him, though I don't really mean it and I haven't quite adjusted back into the banter yet. My text tone goes off in my pocket and I gladly answer it for a reprieve from this tension. "Just kidding. Go ahead and take more if you want."

The text is from Takeshi: _Wow, what happened there?_

_Not a clue,_ I reply.

_We didn't know if Sasuke knew about Blue. Shir says sorry if he fucked anything up._

I doubt this is verbatim – Shiroi rarely feels the need to swear – but I answer, _No worries. I dunno, I only met Sasuke a few days ago. Maybe this is normal for him._

"If you're not careful I'm gonna end up eating all of these," Sasuke says lightly, popping another fry into his mouth.

"Be my guest," I say, taking one myself. I get another text: _He seemed pretty bummed when you were going on about how hot Sakura is. I'll leave it up to you to figure out what that means._

I hate when Takeshi does this. He always seems to know what's going on before I do. Not that he can take credit for this all the time – Shiroi's psychoanalytic personality usually does most of the work. So if Sasuke reacted poorly to my praise of Sakura, what does that mean? What would bother him about that? He couldn't possibly be annoyed at the fact that I'm attracted to women. Or maybe he's not as gay as we thought; maybe he has a special place in his heart for Sakura and my open attraction to her is pissing him off. Or maybe he doesn't like thinking of his old friend in any sexual context. I can understand that. I grab another couple of fries in an attempt to catch up with Sasuke's slow and steady pace. "So."

"So." He hooks his ankle around mine. Somewhat apologetically he says, "I think I scared off your friends."

"It wasn't just you. Don't go stealing the spotlight," I joke. I hold his foot between both of mine, then cross my shins, tugging at his leg. "They're distracted today anyway."

"Then maybe they shouldn't have asked you to have lunch with them." Sasuke considers. "No, that's a bit harsh. But I have to admit I'd much rather spend time with just you."

"You're so antisocial. You're gonna have to talk to Sakura and Sai though."

"Oh, I'm sure Sakura and I will have plenty of catching up to do." He smiles. "I assume she told you about her asking me out?"

I nod. "She'd mentioned you before now, but never by name. Funny how the world works."

"Mm." He wiggles his foot and I let him go, but he just hooks his ankle back around mine again. He seems more comfortable that way, so I let it be. "I would have said yes, if I could. She was very sweet. But… by that point I'd figured myself out enough to know I could never pretend. I'd hate to inflict that on her, anyway."

"She'd live with it, you know," I say quietly. "She'd live a lie just to be with you."

"So she told me, but it didn't change my mind about it. Ultimately it was a somewhat selfish decision on my part; my heart is not so gender-blind…"

His voice trails off. I look up to see him watching me quietly, resting his chin in his hand. There's something about his expression that reminds me of the way he looked at me as we lay side by side in his bed that night, and we had stopped talking and were just lying around waiting for sleep to claim us. In the dark and quiet, as I found my mind drifting away from full consciousness and towards slumber, I caught him looking at me and I imagined for a moment that his eyes were shining with something simple and pure, a feeling that can't be expressed in words. I looked for it again in the morning, but found nothing, so I assumed it was just a figment made up by my freeform subconscious when my mind wasn't restricted by logic. But there's just enough of a resemblance now for me to remember it once more. And maybe it's just the resemblance I'm recognizing – maybe I'm just overthinking it all – but there's a warm, bubbly spark in my chest at the sight that I could definitely see myself getting used to.

"Earth to Fishcakes," Sasuke calls gently.

"I'm still here," I reply, equally quietly. I have no reason to lower my voice; the cafeteria's loud enough as it is that I'm barely heard, but I can't bring myself to raise the volume any further. "Sasuke?"

"Mm?"

I shake my head. "I don't know. I guess I just wanted to say your name."

He laughs, melodious, like the first time I heard him laugh. "Okay."

* * *

Gosh, I love the name twins too much. There are a lot of things I wanted to write in Two Face regarding them that I never got around to. Whether I'll get to them in L.U.S.T., we'll just have to wait and see. (Mostly because I don't really remember what specifically; I just know there were _things_.)

I might not be able to update on time next week because I'll be away. I'll update either right before or right after I get back. I expect most of you will want the former, but I think it'll have to depend on how much I get written before that point. I just worry that I'll catch up to myself and leave no wiggle room…

R+F


	8. Reality and Fantasy

**Chapter Eight:** Reality and Fantasy

**Words:** 4156

* * *

My phone goes off again. It's a sext this time: Blue's asking where I am in the most suggestive way possible. The clock on my phone tells me there's ten minutes left of lunch, which is when I said I'd meet him. I'm seriously contemplating ignoring him, but eventually the little brain wins out over the big one.

"I should get going," I say. "I don't want to. I wanna skip the afternoon."

He nods slowly. "I know I suggested it, but you probably shouldn't."

"I know. I'm not gonna enjoy it, though. I'm gonna spend the whole three hours thinking about what I could be doing instead."

"Me, for example?"

"Yeah." I frown. "Hypothetically."

Sasuke sighs, slides his leg against mine once more, then pulls it back and stands. "Hypothetically. Willingness aside, however, you have a class to attend and I have work to do. Shall I meet you at the bus stop on Wednesday? When does your lecture end?"

"I should be done by three," I say, also standing. "I'll text you."

"Sure."

Sasuke piles my plate on top of his and brings them to the trolleys by the door for collection, then we head out. Neither of us says anything, but we walk close enough to brush shoulders now and again, our pace leisurely despite the cold. Once again I find myself loath to part ways with him, but I know Blue's waiting inside, know I can't go to him with Sasuke on my mind. Fuck. This doesn't feel good at all. I know what I'm doing, what I'm feeling, is wrong. So why can't I stop?

"Are you okay?" Sasuke asks.

"Hm?"

He meets my eyes, concern written in his. "You seem upset all of a sudden."

There are too many things I could say, too many things I can't admit. "I… need some time to think about things," I tell him. "Don't worry about me, okay?" Really. Please, don't.

"I could give it a try, but I don't anticipate success."

It's the last answer I wanted to hear, but I can't help but smile anyway. "I guess it was worth a shot. I'll see you on Wednesday, Sasuke."

"Yeah. Don't be a stranger between now and then," he smiles. "With the technology we have these days you have no excuse not to talk to me."

"I still need to add you on Facebook," I note. I never got around to it this weekend. "Remind me."

"I'll sort it."

"Okay." I swallow, take a deep breath. This is more excruciating than trying to slowly peel off a band-aid. I grab hold and rip it off all at once. "Bye then," I say, and head into the studio. I try not to let the disappointed look on his face sting for too long.

I go inside long enough to find Blue, then we slip out the back door and down the hall into a janitor's closet whose lock we figured out how to pick last year. Once the door's closed behind us, Blue's on me in less than a second, backing me into the wall with a fierce kiss and roaming hands without even bothering to pull the cord on the lightbulb. But my heart's not in it. Sex is sex, but I'm distracted. Not that it matters much with Blue – he goes along with anything. If I'm not mentally present, he just takes over. I thread my fingers through his hair as he strokes me to full mast, then proceeds to give me head. This is always good; with Blue I'm at least guaranteed to get a consistently high quality. In the darkness I rest my head against the wall and imagine Sasuke, walking back to his dorm alone, probably ticked as fuck about how abruptly I said goodbye to him. I remember his texts about getting off to my smell last week. I consider how it would have been if maybe he'd suggested I go over to his for lunch and just sprawl all over his bed so he could have something to jack off to again. I wonder if that's what he's doing now, rubbing one out and wishing he had more than just visual memories of me to work with. Goodness knows I wouldn't need his smell to get off, though; just thinking about him turns me on. That cocky smirk, the confidence in his voice, the fire in his eyes. That delicious body and smooth skin. That skinny ass of his. God I'd love to fuck that.

Properly horny now, I tug Blue to his feet and spin him around. He knows the routine; he finds a bottle of lube and a strip of condoms in his bag and braces himself against the wall, whispering all sorts of dirty things as I prepare myself, then quickly lube him up as well. I should probably stretch him first, but we've done this without preparing him plenty of times before. I think he gets turned on by my aggressive impatience. I press into him without delay; he's already a shuddering mess, but I'm closing my eyes, shutting him out, putting myself into a world where it's not Blue I'm fucking but Sasuke, Sasuke bent over in front of me, Sasuke throwing his head back and moaning, Sasuke squeezing around me as I drive into his beautiful body for all of two minutes before I growl and bite his shoulder and come, hips pressed firmly against his ass. It's not until I've pulled out and the high is spiralling away that I remember how to separate reality and fantasy, and with that recognition comes the crashing wave of guilt. I stumble back and knock over a couple of bottles of something.

"Geez, I know I called it a quickie," Blue says, "but that was unusually fast for you. What got you so horny?"

I have to take a minute to breathe and focus on reality. It's Blue here with me in this stuffy closet, not Sasuke. Blue's the one I'm fucking. I need to remember this. "You don't wanna know," I tell him.

"Of course I do. You know how I feel about your kinks." He finds tissues in his emergency sex stash kit, then removes the condom and cleans me off before tucking me back into my pants. Now that our eyes are adjusted to the little light we have creeping in from under the door, I watch, trying to remind myself that it's Blue I'm with, not Sasuke. I slide my hand around to the back of Blue's head and pull him in for a kiss, taking in that familiar taste, the feel of his teeth, the spot on his tongue where he used to have a piercing, the one chipped molar near the back, the misaligned bottom canine. I've mapped out Blue's mouth in my mind, but already I'm starting to wonder what Sasuke's is like. I haven't exactly taken notice of the inside of his mouth, other than that his teeth are pretty much perfect. I wonder what he tastes like – probably an echo of his smell – and I wonder how his tongue moves, how his lips feel when puckered or relaxed. I wonder how his hands would feel, sliding over my body; I wonder how his body would feel under my hands. I trail the back of my knuckles down Blue's stomach, remembering a coarser trail of hair on Sasuke than Blue can boast, and grab Blue's cock. He gasps and presses his hands against the wall behind me, his forehead dropping to my shoulder as I stroke him, quick and dirty.

"Aah – shit…" Blue moans. "Naruto…"

"You're too loud," I hiss. "Anyone could hear you."

"Well when you touch me like that—" His hips buck as I squeeze harshly. I can't just fuck him and then leave him hanging. I already feel guilty enough imagining someone else. It's easy enough to please Blue, though; he's not exactly hard to stimulate and for a sex god he always seems to have so little control. Every time I touch him he just dissolves. I have to admit, it's more of a turn-on than anything else, seeing the power I have over him. At this rate he's gonna have to blow me again.

In the end we go at it for nearly twenty minutes before we're both satisfied, and then it takes us another five to recover. My mind morphs Blue into Sasuke at least six times throughout the whole thing. By the end I give up trying to prevent it and just let it happen; anyway it seems to make orgasms more intense than holding back. Exhausted, I sit on a box of supplies, leaning back against the wall, Blue in my lap facing me. My eyes are closed as I run my hands slowly along his torso, as he gently strokes my face and hair. Okay, make that seven times.

"I'm going home," I tell him after a few moments.

He takes this in stride at once. "I'll say you weren't feeling well."

"Thanks." I signal for him to get off so I can stand up. I smell like sex, but that can't be helped. "No classes tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah. Can I come over tonight?"

I hesitate. I can't really think of an excuse for him not to, but I'd like some time to myself.

He seems to notice this, though. "Never mind. But if you're free tomorrow, text me?"

"Of course." I kiss him, an almost automatic gesture. I'd never say no to a daily dose of sex, but when the kisses become more than foreplay I sort of switch off. I keep up the dating façade to an extent – Blue's a little too touchy-feely around me in public for me to pretend there's nothing between us, since it seems society frowns upon fuck buddies – but sometimes I feel like he's more into it than I am.

"You okay?" he asks quietly. There's something in the tone of his voice that threatens to make me cave.

"Yeah. Let's get out of here," I say. "You're late for class."

"I'll tell them I was taking care of you." He smirks at this. "It's true, if you put a spin on it."

And my walls solidify once more. "They're going to suspect the smell anyway. Go on."

He opens the door and peeks out. "The coast is clear," he announces, and we both slip out of the closet into the empty hallway. Once it's shut, it's as though we just happened to be passing by. He puts a hand on my chest and leans in for another kiss. "I'll see you later."

"Yeah." I turn and leave, heading for the bus stop, before he can drag me into another session. When it comes to Blue I can only associate physical contact with sex. The way he's been kissing me lately, though, and the way he's spoken to me… even in moments where there's no one around but us, now and then I pick up an attitude from him that almost seems like he cares about me. He has no reason to; I haven't exactly been nice to him and he knows I'm only in this for the sex. So why would he go out of his way to do things for me? It's not like I'm threatening to stop sleeping with him with every move he makes, or trying to take advantage of him. A lot of this is spontaneous and of his own volition: asking me if I'm okay, offering to cover for me in class. I wouldn't ever think of extending that kindness to him. Blue is an anomaly I'll never figure out. The one guy I enjoy fucking more than anyone else and also the one guy I can't stand more than anyone else. Luck just had to hit me with that, didn't it?

Of course, I could always just do Sasuke and solve this whole mess in one go. He makes me smile, laugh, and feel good about myself. He makes me want to spend every day with him. In fact, I could go to him right now. He said he had homework, though. I'd better not bother him. I could always give him a call; he can probably multitask and I'll be less distracting if I'm not physically there.

So, when I get home, I say hello to Sakura through her open bedroom door and then head into my own room, closing the door and flopping onto my bed. I make myself comfortable, then call Sasuke's number.

"Shouldn't you be in class, Fishcakes?" he says the minute he picks up.

"Yeah, I gave up on that. What's up?"

"Stumped for a logo design. You still on campus? My room's a little empty without you in it."

Oh now that just stings.

"I just got home," I tell him, trying not to sound too disappointed. "I figured you'd be busy."

"I'm never too busy to let you rub your smell all over my bed. Sadly I think I am a bit too busy to go over to your place, and I wouldn't want to make you trek all the way back here again."

"I'm seriously considering it." I sigh. "Better not to, though. At this rate you'll get sick of me."

Sasuke puts on a smooth, automated-answering-machine voice. "I'm sorry, you just uttered words in a syntax I cannot comprehend. Please try again."

I'm too busy laughing to think of a comeback. "I guess I'll just have to go over, then."

"Don't go out of your way," he says. I can tell he doesn't mean it. "You on campus tomorrow?"

"I can be if you want me to be."

"If you don't have business to take care of here, you don't have to."

"Stop denying you want to see me."

"Oh, I'm not denying it," he says. "I just don't want you to inconvenience yourself for my selfish desires."

"Who says I'd be inconveniencing myself?" I shoot back. "For all you know I have absolutely nothing better to do than to head back to uni."

"Do you?"

"Not really. I mean, I have things to do, but they wouldn't be better than visiting you."

"Like what?"

"Read Shakespeare. Memorize my lines. Masturbate maybe."

He snorts. "Not all at once, I hope."

"Oh, well, you never know…" I put on a seductive voice, breathing heavily: " 'He… mmn… loves us not; he wants… ahh… the _natural _touch.' "

"You weren't kidding about that relationship with Macbeth, huh? Are you staying on the phone while you jack off for him or will he not like knowing I'm listening in?"

"I dunno about Macbeth, but Blue might raise an eyebrow. That said, if it involved me giving him a show, I don't know that Blue would mind terribly. I bet he'd love to just sit back and watch me beat it, regardless of what I was getting off on."

"Mm, well, he's not the only one. Hang on a second." There's a bit of noise while Sasuke fiddles with something on his end. "There. I've got my Bluetooth on, so I can actually work while I talk to you."

"Work? Yeah right, more like jerk off to the sound of my voice. Would it be easier to use Skype or something? Then you could watch me masturbate too. We could make it a mutual thing."

"I would not be opposed to any of this."

I would, though. Maybe. It's not my fault if thinking of Sasuke makes me hornier than thinking of Blue. It's not like Blue will ever know what it is I'm jacking off to – what goes on in my mind is my business alone – but having Sasuke on the phone during the process would definitely be crossing a line. Especially if we're basically getting off watching each other.

"Naruto?" says Sasuke. "You still there?"

"Yeah." I slide my fingers into my waistband, distractedly combing my pubic hair.

"Are you touching yourself?"

"No." Well, not in the way he's thinking.

"I thought you said you were loud when you masturbated. I'm not hearing much at all."

"Yeah, 'cause I'm not. I wasn't being serious, you know," I say. "I'm not going to jack off while I'm on the phone with you."

"Not even if I make you horny?"

"I'm already horny."

"Is it my fault?"

"Would you enjoy it if I said yes?"

"I might," he says.

"Then it might be your fault."

"Fair enough. Should I hang up and let you masturbate in peace?"

"It can wait," I tell him, even though I'm popping the button on my jeans and working the zipper down with one hand. I'm not in any particular rush, though. "Should _I _hang up and let _you_ masturbate, slash work, in peace?"

"If you hang up, I'll go jerk off. If you don't, I'll probably keep working. So in the end it's more efficient for me if we keep talking."

"Works for me." I finally manage the zipper and get working on the button of my boxers. God, clothing's such a hindrance. "What're you stuck on? I don't know the first thing about logo design. What's the brief?"

"This company wants a logo that uses their name in a visually creative way. It's a real job but the uni said I could hand it in, so that's always a bonus."

"What, so you basically get paid to complete assignments? Sweet. I was in a student production last year and we split the earnings, but it wasn't much considering how much time we put into it. And we never get anything from the stuff we do for the film kids, though they treat us to lunch sometimes."

"Better than nothing I guess. Naruto?" he says, because I just sucked in a breath at the feeling of my fingers wrapping around myself, sending a jolt of pleasure through my body.

"What?"

"…Nothing."

Sasuke falls silent for a moment. I imagine him sitting with a sketchbook, hashing out ideas for a logo. I recall the sharp features of his face, the texture of his hair, the pallor of his skin and the grace of his lean limbs. I feel my heartbeat pick up as a rare sensation floods me. It's not the usual pleasure I get from sex or masturbation. Once in a while, when I've got just the right thing going, I get this feeling and it's like magic. Ghost sensations tell me there was a trace of this in the janitor's closet with Blue earlier today, but I'm betting it was mostly cancelled out by the guilt – and the fact that I was with Blue. I have never, ever experienced that sensation with Blue.

"You're jerking off, aren't you?"

The sound of Sasuke's voice startles me. "No," I say automatically, though there's no way I'll ever convince him otherwise.

"You are." He pitches his voice lower, making it breathier. "You're listening to the sound of my voice, letting it fuel your desire. You're thinking about how much you want me, how much you want to see me touch myself too. How much you want to drag your hands all over my body and kiss me breathless. How much you want me to grab your cock and put it in my mouth."

"Whose fantasies are these?" I growl, trying to mask the lust in my voice, because my hand has decided to move faster without asking my brain first and I'm definitely getting harder just listening to him.

"I presumed they were shared," he smirks. "What now? I could continue to read out the table of contents of my book of fantasies, or you can pick a scene to examine in more detail."

"What, you have an entire book?"

"That was just a taste of the first section. It's titled…" He pauses to think. "Well, It's a work in progress. I'll get back to you on that. But the second section is the Kama Sutra bit, where it goes into explicit and detail about the various positions in which we'll be getting it on. Possibly with illustrations, or photographs. Shall I tell you my favourite part?"

"Can I really stop you?" I manage to say it all in one breath because his voice alone has me twitching with pleasure. Good thing I'm not whacking it wet because he'd definitely hear that. I'm having enough trouble silencing my breathing as it is. Am I really doing this?

"Nope. My favourite part is the part where I get you to lie back on the bed and then I straddle your hips and ride you. I'll probably take control for the most part, but then at the end I'd just support myself while you pound up into me and I'd probably come without even touching myself. It's a bit more frustrating than when I do, but I expect you'd find it hot."

Shit, he is so far from wrong. I… I can't do this. I let go of my erection, but it's painfully hard at this point and waiting it out is an entirely unappealing prospect. I heave a deep sigh and mutter, "Goddammit."

"You're hard, aren't you?"

I frown. "Sasuke…"

"What? I thought you were enjoying this." Irritation tints his voice now, which only serves to double my guilt. Not only am I going against my creed, but I've pissed Sasuke off too. At this rate I'm going to wind up with no one.

"I – I am. Or… I'd like to be. I'm sorry, Sasuke."

He's silent a moment. "No, I should apologize too. I know you're trying to be faithful, and I'm just stepping all over that."

"We're both at fault here," I suggest.

"That sounds about right. I commend your loyalty, by the way," he adds, with a smile now. "Considering you keep calling Blue an asshole, you're admirably devoted."

"Like I said before, it's my hang-up, not his. He's the one being faithful, relative to his usual style. I'm sure he'd love for me to fuck up and fuck someone else so he could do the same."

Sasuke hesitates, then says slowly, "So… why don't you? I mean, it sounds like it'd solve both your problems."

"I know." I heave a sigh. "But for me that'd just be out of the frying pan, into the fire. Sure, I could fuck you and solve that, but then I'd have the problem of seeing two people at once. I just can't do it, Sasuke. The guilt would cripple me."

"You seem to be doing fine so far," he mutters.

"…What?"

"Never mind," he says quickly. "Forget I said anything."

"Sasuke—" I frown. Not because he's accusing me of already being cheating in a way – but because he's right. I am. I'm jerking off listening to him talk dirty. This is phone sex; that's undeniable. I can't be doing this.

"I'm not saying you should stop trying to be loyal," he begins, "because it's a wonderful trait, one that not nearly enough people have, and you should never let it go. But… I think you're hurting yourself as it is. And you might be inconveniencing others in the process. Just… think about it, okay?"

"…Okay," I say. "Does this mean you're hanging up?"

"Well, I'm thinking I ought to let you rub that one out in peace," he says, a smirk in his voice now. "You really can't keep quiet, can you?"

"Wh—Sasuke!"

"It's your own fault. And I think you should at least have the freedom to jerk off to whatever thoughts you want."

"Hmm." I guess he has a point. I mean, it's not like I'm going to stop watching porn just because I'm in a relationship. But then again, porn involves people I don't know. Jerking off to thoughts of someone I know, someone I want to fuck, is a bit awkward.

"Anyway, I think I have an idea for this logo," he says. "D'you wanna chat on Facebook later?"

"Sure. I'll sign on at some point tonight." I sigh. "Thanks for the talk. I really will think about it."

"I'm sure you will." He pauses; I imagine that were we talking in person he'd smile and clear the hair from my face. "Take care. Don't tire yourself out."

"Hah. You don't know what my endurance is like."

"Well don't waste too much time going solo either. I'll catch you later, Fishcakes."

"Yeah. Later, Duckbutt."

I hang up, toss the phone onto my bedside table, then heave another deep sigh. The desire to masturbate has largely worn off, as has the hard-on for the most part. I close my eyes. I feel apathy weighing me down, turning my limbs to lead. I just want to lie here and do nothing. I don't want to think about anything right now. I just want everything to be fixed, goddammit.

* * *

Writing's slow as heck for me lately, but we'll see how things go.

Thanks for reading!

R+F


	9. Duality

**Chapter Nine:** Duality

**Words: **5025

Wow, possibly the longest chapter of L.U.S.T. yet. And… that's kind of sad. I feel like L.U.S.T. chapters are on average shorter than in Two Face, but to be honest I did an average the other day and they're pretty similar. Unfortunately with L.U.S.T. I've been rather conscious of my word count, trying to meet at least 3000 before I start looking for a place to end a chapter.

In writing-speed news, I'm done writing chapter 12 and have 2000 words of chapter 13! I'm so proud of myself you guys ; w ; If I can write around a thousand words a day I should be going at a good pace. I know what I'm doing with the plot, too, so it should be mostly doable. I tend to stall between my plot points, though, when I'm trying to connect stuff. It's not something I can just avoid writing because then it'll get all disjointed, but I have to find ways of making it interesting to write or else it won't be interesting to read!

Anyway, in honour of my excitement and also because I'll be gone tomorrow to see my favourite band in concert, you get the chapter a day early. Enjoy!

* * *

Next thing I know it's half past four in the morning and I'm starving and wide awake. Good thing I don't have class tomorrow or I'd be exhausted for it. I sneak into the kitchen, careful not to wake Sakura and Sai, and make myself a sandwich to eat in my room. I always feel a bit crap napping through the evening, though it's never bothered me to sleep in past noon. I'm typically more productive in the evening, so that's probably why.

I sit at my desk, fire up my laptop, and get on the internet. No one's online, of course, but Sasuke's added me on Facebook. I confirm this and send him a quick message apologizing for not turning up this evening to chat. Then I spend the next little while on his profile, going through his photos, seeing who his friends are. It seems he's added Sakura recently too – I know they were neighbours before high school, which is when they would have gotten Facebook – and we have a couple more mutual friends, though no one I know closely besides Karin. Interestingly, nearly every photo he's tagged in has been posted by someone else. The stuff he's uploaded is mostly photos of people doing things and not noticing the camera, or of the (numerous) places he's been, or of things he's made and done. It looks like he enjoys photography as a minor hobby – I can see some of the theory Shiroi's told me he learns on his course, but Sasuke's photos aren't quite at that level. He's got a few albums for his artwork, though: his life drawing is accurate and detailed, his logo designs are unique and brilliant, and his personal art contains a bit of everything, though he seems to have a thing for paint. He obviously loves his work. I find myself wanting to see him create something, wanting to hear him talk about it just to see some of that passion in his eyes and to hear it in his voice. What an experience that would be.

What his timeline says about him is less in _what _he posts and more in _how_. His status updates are few and far between, but his wall is littered with posts and links from friends, and he almost always responds in some way, even it just means liking a video someone's sent him. More often he's likely to comment on it. His info page is brief but informative, offering contact information and a website where he puts his art. He does list some media he likes and quotes he lives by, and it mentions he's single and interested solely in men. His work history is decent; it seems he's found odd jobs in graphic design here and there. For a Facebook profile, it's professional and impressive, especially compared to most other people's profiles. I file all this information in my brain: certainly not narcissistic; possibly not fond of pictures of himself; appreciates others' efforts. Maybe not the most social of people, but certainly approachable and warm. It fits what else I know about him, so honest, too. This guy is amazing.

I waste another couple of hours on YouTube, then strip down to my boxers and go back to bed when the sun starts rising. Still, I'm not quite tired and end up just lying around with my eyes closed. I trail my hand across my chest and down my stomach, vaguely wishing for some company in bed. Which reminds me, it's the first night I've slept alone in a while. I fully expected to drag Sai or Sakura into bed with me tonight, but since I ended up conking out at some dumb time that didn't happen. And they'll definitely be asleep now. Possibly together. That makes me feel a bit lonely, so I try not to think about it. I can't remember if either of them have to go into class tomorrow – I mean, today. If so, they probably slept separately to avoid bothering each other when one of them had to get up. At least I know Blue will be on his own. Sasuke… actually, I don't know about Sasuke. He could very well be in bed with someone at this very moment. I don't like that thought at all. But of course, Sasuke has no loyalties to keep, no restrictions on his relationship status. Just because we have a mutual desire to fuck each other doesn't mean Sasuke can't be with someone else in the meantime, because that's certainly what I'm doing. But… I hate the idea that he might be curled up with someone else, that he might have fucked someone else, that he might be fulfilling someone else's fantasies. And I hate that this hatred of mine is completely selfish and that I have no right whatsoever to dictate what he does with his body, heart, or anything else.

This is dumb. Everything could be easy, so easy, if I could just get over this damn loyalty thing. I know Sasuke said not to let it go, but honestly I wish I could stop caring sometimes. I could let Blue fuck who he wanted, I could sleep with Sasuke and maybe even Sai, and everyone would be happy and there would be zero problems. Except for the problem of how guilty I'd feel, even if everyone knew and was okay with it. I'd be the one not okay with it, and I hate that I'm holding it all up. The thing is, I'm pretty sure Sai would want to date if we were fucking. He's certainly expressed his interest in me beyond the sexual more than once, and Sakura isn't the type to sleep around casually. I'm not sure what Sasuke wants, but I'd certainly be up for something outside the bedroom if he was cool with it. It's only been a few days, but already I've enjoyed almost every minute I've spent with him.

Maybe it's just too soon. Maybe this is all going too fast and I need a little longer to really sort out how I feel. I just met Sasuke; I'm practically smitten with him and I barely know who he is. It's not that I don't think it's possible to fall in love that fast, but… it can be dangerous. A couple can think they're perfect together and then fall apart within a week once they realize that their faults aren't compatible. Or it can take years – I know nothing's foolproof – but a quick-lived and quick-to-die burst of passion seems more likely and less gratifying. And whatever else happens, I really don't want to lose Sasuke as a friend. Friendships are much easier to maintain, and it might be easier to avoid a falling out if we've been friends for a while before we try anything more. This is what the cynic in me says: get used to having Sasuke in your life before you decide you want to date him. You'll find out he's not the perfect person his Facebook profile shows and you'll be heartbroken and disillusioned, but at least you'll have an awesome friend. But the hopeless romantic in me is stronger – hope always wins out, and I've seen enough of Sasuke to have been given hope that he's even better than I know.

—

"Sasuke?"

"Mm?"

"You're not seeing anyone, are you?"

He snorts. "You think, after how I've been acting around you, that I might possibly be committed?"

"I am," I shrug, leaning back in bed. The low-resolution pixels of Sasuke's face on Skype show amusement in the quirk of an eyebrow, the upwards pull of the corner of his mouth. "It never came up. I mean, I'd assumed as much, but I figured it'd be best to get a straight answer. Just to be sure."

"No," he says. "I am not in fact seeing anyone."

"Not even casually?"

"Not even casually."

"When's the last time you had sex?"

"Is that really relevant?"

"…I guess not," I admit. "Sorry."

"A couple of weeks ago."

"Oh." I think about this. The last time I went that long without sex was… actually, not that long ago. It was when I went home for the Christmas holidays. I nearly went stir-crazy. "You must be so horny."

He chuckles. "You certainly aren't any help."

"I'm not stopping you," I say at once, although every fibre of my being is telling me not to. "Go get laid, Duckbutt. The nightclubs are open and so are the boys."

"The Triangle tends to have shitty music and shitty crowds. Not people I enjoy mingling with."

"Aw, don't be like that. I hang out at the Triangle regularly."

Though my tone is light, his face falls. "Oh. Sorry."

"Don't be," I say quickly. "You're right; some of the people there are dicks. But you do get some reasonable people. I've met some amazing sex buddies there." I decide not to tell him that some of them were bastards too. I tend not to discriminate against dickishness when it comes to finding a fuck. I mean, just look at Blue.

"I'm not exactly looking for sex," Sasuke muses. "Though if an opportunity comes my way, I won't say no."

"So 'if you're offering,' basically?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

This makes me feel a bit better. All I have to do is hope no one asks. Though to be honest, what are the chances of that around a guy like Sasuke? And it's not fair of me to wish unintentional celibacy on him when I'm not fucking him either. "Well," I say, "I hear the Foxtrot is doing an Asian music night this Saturday. How do you feel about J-pop and K-pop?"

"They're all over my playlist, the same way I would be all over you, had I permission."

I smile wistfully. "I'd love to give you permission. You know that. So you free next Saturday night? We could do pre-drinks here. Sai and Sakura already said they'd go, and the rest of my crowd. It'll be fun."

"Your crowd?" he repeats.

"Yeah. The name twins, Kiba, Gaara, Neji, Shikamaru… I've kinda got friends from a bunch of different courses."

"And Blue?"

"Pfft, no," I say at once. "If I go out with Blue, I don't take anyone else. Maybe the housemates, since they know him from when he comes over, but Blue and I don't do the social thing. The only reason I spend time with him is for sex or foreplay."

"I see." He sits back, spinning his tablet pen idly in one hand. "I'd certainly be up for a bit of clubbing, if you're there. It's never really been my thing, but I do enjoy it once in a while."

I nod. "I mean, if you're looking to hook up, the Triangle's basically the only place. I wouldn't hit on a guy outside of the Triangle; too much of a chance they'll be straight. At least if they're straight in the Triangle they know what they're setting themselves up for."

"I've met straight guys at the Triangle," Sasuke muses, chewing on the end of his pen now. "Some of them were willing to fuck, but that doesn't mean they weren't still straight at the end of the day."

"Oh, sure. But if they're not looking to sleep with a man…" I shrug. "You know, you probably shouldn't chew on that. Isn't it pretty expensive?"

"Huh? Oh." Sasuke quickly puts down his pen. "Bad habit."

I smirk. "Bit of an oral fixation you got there, huh?"

"Maybe." He finds a pack of gum in a drawer and pops a piece into his mouth. "I'll have you know no one has complained about how much I like to give head."

"I wouldn't dream of it," I tell him sincerely. Seriously, finding someone who genuinely enjoys blowjobs – to the point where they want it more than the receiver – is a mean feat. If there's any way Sasuke could make me want him more, I haven't thought of it yet.

"Too many people consider blowjobs a chore. I can't imagine why. Though I suppose it can be a bit tiring," he concedes. "Is that your phone?"

When he falls silent, I hear a faint, muffled buzzing and the sound of my ringtone. "Wow, you're good. One sec." I unearth my phone from inside my bag and leave the room before picking up the call. "Lo?"

"_Heeey_," comes a playful, seductive voice. Goddammit. I need to check the caller ID more often before I answer. I meander into the kitchen as Blue says, "What's up, babe?"

"I'm a bit busy right now," I say. "Couldn't you have texted me?"

"I did, three times."

"Oh." It's a good thing I don't ever worry about appearing witty in front of Blue, because there's not much I can say to that until I hang up to check my texts. "Well, like I said, busy."

"Mm…" He sounds a bit disappointed. "Well, I wasn't necessarily expecting to see you right this minute. Will you be free tonight?"

"I think the real question is: will I be horny tonight? And the answer to that is I don't know."

"You will be if I make you," he murmurs, and I can't help but shiver at the tone of his voice. I don't know if this is even fair. I am _this _close to hating the guy, but then he does stuff like that and I crumble. Damn this sex drive. I sigh and lean back against the counter as he continues, "You know the things I'd do to you. The things I'd whisper in your ear as you pin me down…"

"I know," I growl through gritted teeth. "This isn't really the best time. I'm in the middle of Skyping someone, and Sai's home—"

"And he cares? He'd probably listen in."

Just because he's right doesn't mean I'm about to concede. "Look, if you shut up now, you can come over after dinner. And sleep over and everything, okay? We'll go to class together in the morning."

"Deal! I'll text you before I leave," he says brightly, and hangs up before I can say another word. I sigh, all tension, both bad and good, draining out of me. I take a moment to recompose myself. What, do I get off on being aggravated or something? Hearing his voice is half a major turn on and half an instant annoyance. I grab a bag of chips to bring back to my room and throw myself into my chair, which sends it wheeling away from the desk.

"Ugh." I wheel myself back to the computer. "Sorry about that. Where were we?"

I realize my screen has gone black. Funny, that doesn't usually happen when a video's going. I wake up the laptop only to find that the video's gone and Sasuke's left a chat message that reads: _Sorry Fishcakes, class is calling. Text me. x_

What the…

What's that X doing there?

I stare at it as though it'll eventually transform into something that will tell me the full meaning behind it. That isn't just a typo, right? X is nowhere near the enter key. Maybe he uses some weird keyboard configuration where it is – Neji wouldn't shut up about Dvorak for about a month last year. Or maybe… just maybe… My heart does a little flip at the possibility that it's there on purpose. That Xs and Os type of deal – a kiss. Small enough, vague enough to be viable. A bit cheesy – like, the stuff couples do when they're so hopelessly smitten you could choke on the sweetness – but I can't help admitting it's ridiculously cute and I might just have melted a little inside.

I sigh. Sasuke's signed off, so any messages I try to send him won't go through until we're both online at the same time and by then it'd be pointless. I pull out my phone, skim through the texts Blue sent me, and open the message thread with Sasuke before realizing I don't really know how to begin. How do I ask about that one letter? If I mention it and he doesn't understand, I'll know it wasn't on purpose. But if it _was _on purpose but not what I think it is – like if he uses it as some sort of signature or I don't know what – I'm going to look like a desperate idiot. Of course, the only reason I've been able to avoid that up 'til now is due to already sleeping with someone. But then if I weren't sleeping with someone, I wouldn't have to keep up this charade with Sasuke.

Eventually all I text to him is a _Hey Duckbutt._ I hang around for a few minutes waiting for him to respond, but I don't get anything. Maybe he's silenced his phone for class. I'm half-relieved, half-irritated – why'd I agonize over it for so long if I'm not even going to get a prompt answer? – but there's nothing I can do. Best to just move on and let things happen when they happen.

Wish I could stop thinking about Sasuke, though. Even just for ten minutes.

I wander out of my room, looking for company. I made up the thing about Sai being home, even though it's a weak excuse; Blue and I have never really bothered to keep quiet even if the others are home. But it turns out I was right after all – Sai's sitting on the couch in the living room, reading a book in the block of sunlight coming in through the window. He looks up when I poke my head in and smiles.

"Hello, Naruto."

"Hey. Mind if I hang out here a while?"

"I have no say in whether or not you choose to join me, but I would appreciate the company."

I grab my Nintendo DS from the dining table, then I cross the room and lie down across the couch, resting my head in Sai's lap. For a while we're silent, engaged in our own activities but happy to spend time together nonetheless. I'm not really paying attention to the legions of wild Pokémon I'm wiping out. My mind's still on Sasuke, wondering how he's doing, how his class is, when he got up, what he ate, who he talked to. It's all this really mundane shit no one ever cares about, but I want to know it all. I trek myself over to the Pokémon Centre to heal my team and notice Sai's hand trailing down the side of my face, along my jawline and down to my neck.

"Sai?"

His hand pauses. "Mm?" he replies, perfectly casually.

I shake my head and go back to my game. "Never mind."

"When's the last time you saw Blue?" he asks, his thumb brushing over where my pulse is strongest.

"Yesterday. Why?"

"Just wondering." His fingertips reach my collarbone and trace it carefully.

"You're horny, aren't you?"

"Considering your face is rather close to my penis, I'd say I'm doing better than expected."

I tilt my head back to look up at him, as well as just to be a troll and push my the back of my head against his crotch. I can see the effect in the droop of his eyelids, hear it in a short breath. He flicks my cheek gently in retaliation.

"I thought you were exclusive," he says, though this is a regular thing with us. I kind of make exceptions for Sai and Sakura. I mean… we don't really _do_ anything. Lots of teasing, but no actual mutual… anything. "When is he coming over?"

"After dinner. Why do you care? He's not exactly great company." Like Blue said, Sai probably just wants to get off to the sound of us having sex. This is not a thought that entirely bothers me. I'd probably be down for a threesome, if I could deal with that sort of thing.

"I was just curious. He usually has a tendency to show up when you have days like today."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I say, though without any tone of malice. "All I've done is come hang out with you. If you'd rather I stayed in my room…"

"No, I wasn't trying to imply anything of the sort," he says, possibly a bit too quickly. He combs his fingers through my hair, which immediately abates my suspicion. It's a bit of a cheap trick, but it works like a charm. I'm like a cat who wants to be petted. I crane my neck to push further into the touch and think of Sasuke scratching my scalp to calm me. Sasuke sitting next to me on his bed, just us spending time together in silence. Sasuke falling asleep next to me, waking up curled around me. The way I act around Sasuke is surprisingly similar to my relationship with my housemates. Somehow this makes me immeasurably happy. I trust Sai and Sakura implicitly; they are an exception to my hang-ups about intimacy, though I wouldn't sleep with them. The fact that I can feel the same around Sasuke says a lot. Maybe I can't trust him the way I trust people I've known for a year and a half, but I'm more than willing to give him a chance.

When Sakura gets back from class, we all head to the kitchen to make dinner. We put on music and chat and sing while we work. It's a great way to spend time together, and I can practice my vocal stuff while I'm at it. A lot of the time there isn't quite enough work for three people, so one of us ends up standing at the fridge making dumb sentences with the word magnets. Apparently whoever made this art-themed fridge magnet set decided that artists have a thing for getting it on – more so than other types, anyway – because there are words like "passion" and "sex" mixed in with stuff like "canvas" and "miasma." And when we took the magnets out of the package, they were all stuck together in blocks and we didn't have the heart to separate "stroke nude junk." I mean, was it really coincidence that they happened to be lined up like that? So that gets a special place right at the top of the fridge door and guests always ask about it.

Sasuke finally texts me back mid-cooking, so I end up doing almost nothing, too busy talking with him. I can't find a way to bring up that little X in conversation, and he doesn't mention it either, so I decide to let it slide. It was probably just a typo, a slip of the thumb. I can't help feeling a bit disappointed.

Sai and Sakura give up on trying to make me help and just sic me with the washing up after we eat. I don't mind too much; it's only fair, after all. I'm almost done when the doorbell rings. Sai gets it.

"Hey there," says Blue's bright voice.

"Evening," Sai replies. "Naruto's in the kitchen."

I hear the door close and Blue taking off his coat and boots, and a minute later a cyan reflection approaches in the window in front of me. He slides his arms around my waist and kisses my cheek as I put the last plate on the drying rack. "Hey, babe," he murmurs into my ear.

"Hey." I pry him off to dry my hands on the towel hanging off the oven door, then turn around and find myself mouth-to-mouth against Blue. He pulls me in as he kisses me deeply; I feel his tongue slip into my mouth before I even know what's going on. I can see Sai out of the corner of my eye, watching us discreetly from the hallway, saying nothing. Quickly I pull away from Blue.

"How was your day?" he asks quietly, his hand rubbing circles into my back.

"Fine." I untangle myself from him and head for my room. He surprises me by taking a hold of my hand, and I stop and turn. "What are you—"

"What?" He moves closer, arm pressed against mine, and smiles. "I missed you."

I sigh. "It's only been a day. Come on." I tug him into my room and close the door behind us.

I flop down on my back on the bed and make myself comfortable. I expect Blue to crawl on top of me, but instead he comes around to the side and sits on the edge of the mattress. He reaches out and his fingertips touch my face, tracing my scars. My eyelids flutter at the touch, but I don't understand.

"What are you doing?" I ask, my voice a murmur.

"What do you mean? I'm doing exactly what it looks like I'm doing."

"I thought you were here for sex."

"Partly." He leans in and kisses me, but draws away before I can reciprocate. His face remains close, though, a smile on his lips and in his eyes. "Can I ride you today?"

"Huh? Sure." I'm surprised – Blue rarely makes any requests beyond simply asking to sleep with me. I figured he was down for anything at any time. He usually lets me dictate how we do things. But I'm not really opposed to lying back and letting him do all the work, so that's just what I do. He sits in my lap as he undresses me, rolling his hips and scattering kisses all over my skin. He murmurs words of affection and desire; the way he moves is almost reverent, as though he's worshipping my body, seeking to pleasure me more than to relieve himself. He constantly asks me how I'm feeling, if he's doing it right, if he wants me do to anything else. I have to admit it's nice, being wanted like this. His attentions are a serious turn-on. But there's something about him tonight that's different, more affectionate, less single-minded. It's like he's got more on his agenda than just getting off. But isn't that what this relationship is all about? Sex and no more?

It's not exactly late when we're done, so we sneak out to the bathroom for a shower. If I were at Blue's place I'd shower alone – just a habit, I guess – but Blue argues that it'd save water to go together, and considering my budget, anything to lessen the bill we have to pay is good with me. Not that shared showers are terribly efficient when the showerhead is only big enough for one person to be under at a time. Still, Blue mostly defers the water to me, lathering shampoo into my hair and soaping me up, all while kissing and touching me. He gives me a handjob while we're at it. He doesn't say much, just occasionally asks if the water's warm enough or how I'm feeling as he scrubs my back. The attention he's paying me is actually starting to worry me a little. He's been clingy lately, but not this much. We made it clear at the beginning of this relationship that we weren't actually dating. It was sex and no more. No emotional attachments. Thinking back, though, that's never really stopped him from being overly affectionate. I just assumed that was part of his personality; he flirted with pretty much everyone he could for the first while before I finally got it into his head that I was serious about exclusivity. I honestly have no idea what he's up to.

I did promise I'd let him sleep over, so I climb into bed and he turns off the light before following, curling up next to me. He lays his head on my shoulder wraps an arm around me, his head fitting snugly under my chin. He smiles. "Thanks for having me over."

Another surprise. "Mm," I reply, without much enthusiasm.

"You tired?"

"Not really," I say, before realizing my response should have been yes so he'd shut up.

But he doesn't say anything for a moment. I wasn't expecting that, but I take advantage of the silence to notice a trend in my disposition around Blue. It's like whenever I'm around him, I immediately shut off emotionally. Well, that isn't anything new – I don't like him as a person, but I have to deal with him at least a little if I want to bang him, so I ignore how I feel emotionally and focus on the physical. But there's something nagging at my mind… that sensation that came to me when I talked to Sasuke on the phone and he was saying dirty things as I jacked off. When I push away the guilt I associate with that – which isn't exactly easy when Blue's snuggled against me right this moment – I remember that feeling of… what was it? It was liberating, almost. It wasn't entirely new, but it's been so long since I've felt it that I'm having trouble identifying it. It's just… being with Sasuke, and spending time with him…

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing."

"Okay." I can tell he knows I'm lying. That more than anything surprises me – not the fact that he chose to overlook it, but the fact that he noticed at all. How well must he know me, to be able to tell when I'm deep in thought? What else has he noticed about me? Since when has he been paying attention?

"Naruto?"

"What?"

"I've been thinking," he begins slowly. "About… this. This whole arrangement we have."

"There's not much to think about," I retort. "We sleep together. That's it."

"Exactly. It's just…" He frowns. "Well, never mind."

"…What?" I'm curious now. "What were you going to say?"

"Nothing important." Blue leans in and kisses my cheek. "Don't worry about it."

"Whatever. Go to sleep." I let my head roll sideways, facing away from him.

"Okay," he whispers. "Night, babe."

"Mm." I close my eyes and listen to his breathing slow down, but I don't fall asleep for ages, trying to figure out what he was about to say.

* * *

By the way, just as a side note: we are, for this fic, going to ignore the fact that everyone has super Japanese names. Naruto's a freaking blue-eyed blond and the Uzumaki clan is known for its members' bright red hair. I'm basing race on physical appearance here, so Naruto's Caucasian while Sasuke is in fact Japanese. But culturally they're all Western. Cool? Cool.

I've kind of been writing this assuming readers will have read Two Face before. It's not a huge deal, but basically there are semi-important details – mostly with the recurring OCs – that are mentioned only briefly here because I don't feel like writing them in full. It's like when you read a sequel novel and they briefly mention stuff you already knew, in case you happen to be a new reader or it's been a while since you read the first one. Basically, if you've read Two Face, you'll probably have a richer understanding of these things, but if you haven't it's not a big deal.

Oh, and the fridge magnets? True story. Here's a picture: [ tj.k. vu/ 12U ]

R+F


	10. The Demon Within

**Chapter Ten:** The Demon Within

**Words:** 3367

A few notes:

1. I think I might start updating on Fridays instead of Saturdays. Maybe in a few weeks I'll start updating on Thursdays instead of Fridays. We'll slowly inch our way around the days of the week.

2. I forgot to mention last chapter that L.U.S.T. is now over a tenth the word count of Two Face. Hehe.

3. I drew up a quick floor plan of Naruto's house. I do this a lot with my writing, because my mind has a tendency to disregard the laws of space and kind of overlap stuff unless I give myself a solid visual. So here's what the house looks like: [ tj. k. vu /13Y ] (It's a tinified URL, by the way. I put one in the last chapter but I don't know if anyone recognized it or if it just looked like a jumble of symbols... xD)

4. I'm 3000 words into chapter 14, so it's looking pretty steady writing-speed-wise. I also have a super solid game plan as to what's going to come next (though, let's be honest, my muse is a master at unravelling those).

And with that, enjoy the chapter.

* * *

"You seem distracted," says Sasuke.

"Hm?" I turn away from the bus window to glance at him. "Oh. Sorry. I get motion sick easily," I invent. It's a lie. Sai gets motion sick easily, so he spends most of any bus or car ride staring out the window or sleeping. I have no such problem; I can read or play video games on vehicles without the slightest headache or nausea. I do like to watch out the window when I bus home regardless. But Sasuke's right: I am distracted.

"I see." Sasuke's leg presses reassuringly against mine, our shoulders touching as we sit side by side on the bus, and it makes me smile to know he's there. "How was your day?"

"Fine. The lecture started at one, so I slept in."

"Explains why you didn't answer my texts," he says with a laugh. And he's right, to an extent. But then there's also the fact that Blue let me have morning sex with him, held my hand on the bus to uni this morning, and treated me to breakfast in the cafeteria. Okay, so the morning sex isn't such a strange thing, but he's never spent any money on me and the hand-holding thing was definitely weird. I tried to shake him off but he persisted until I gave up and let him, and the way it lit up his face… I sigh and reach over Sasuke to press the stop button.

"This is us," I tell him, giving him a nudge, and he gets up and heads for the exit. We step off the bus and head in the direction of home.

"So," he says, "who else lives in your house?"

"It's just me, Sakura, and Sai," I say. I should probably stop thinking about Blue. I'm not going to see him until tomorrow at the earliest, and right now I'm spending time with Sasuke. I don't need thoughts of Blue to dampen my spirits. "We all met at the fresher's fair last year. Inseparable since. I actually dated Sakura for a while – just a few weeks, but we figured out pretty fast we made better friends. She's a good fuck, though," I add, with a bit of a cheeky grin.

"I'll take your word for it." Sasuke's shoulder brushes mine as we walk side by side. I'm starting to get the feeling that it's not an accident, that it means something, but I haven't quite figured out what. "And Sai?"

"Never slept with him. He wants to, but I think it'd be too weird, since I live with him and all."

"You live with Sakura."

"I wasn't living with her when we were dating. It's… I dunno. It's a bit complicated. I'm complicated," I say, scratching the back of my head. I feel the need to apologize, though for what I'm not certain. "Sorry. I'm a bit of a mess sometimes."

Sasuke seems unsure of how to respond to this – and I can't blame him. Denying it would be dumb, but he might think agreeing would come off as too harsh. "Well, as I said earlier, you're loyal and that's the most important thing. Just don't do anything that makes you unhappy."

"I'm trying," I tell him with a sigh. "But it's not quite as easy as that."

I fish my keys out from my pocket and steer Sasuke towards the front door of our house. It's a pretty nice place – a front porch with deck chairs, some potted flowers hanging off the railing, a bay window in the living room. I let us in, kick my shoes off, and hang up my coat, gesturing for Sasuke to do the same.

"I'm home," I call into the house. After a moment, Sai's door opens and he steps out.

"Hello, Naruto," he says with a smile, then notices Sasuke. He approaches us, looking to me for an introduction.

"Sai, this is Sasuke," I say. "Sasuke, Sai."

Sai nods and smiles, holds a hand out. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise," Sasuke replies, shaking Sai's hand. Something seems off, though. Usually I'm more than happy for my friends to get to know each other – the more the merrier, after all – but there's a certain guardedness between Sai and Sasuke, cool, almost professional, like this is a business meeting instead of a new friendship. It's almost as if they're sizing each other up.

"…Well, Sasuke," I say, "want a tour of the house?"

"Sure." Sasuke's eyes linger a moment longer on Sai, then he turns to me. "Lead the way."

Sai goes back into his room while I show Saske around. The so-called tour of the house only takes a couple of minutes. The first door on the right is Sai's bedroom; the first and only on the left is an open doorway into the kitchen, separated from the living room only by a countertop, meaning you can watch TV while cooking or chat across rooms. The door directly down the hall from the front door is Sakura's and the one to its right is mine. A little alcove between Sai's and my rooms holds the puny bathroom.

"And that's it," I say, once I've shown Sasuke all the rooms. "There's an attic, but we've never been in there. My guess is it's full of dust and bat shit. And I mean literal bat shit, not the insanity kind."

"Either way, I'd rather not experience it firsthand," Sasuke laughs.

"Good thinking. Come on." I drop my bag in the hallway and head into the living room, then flop down on the couch. Sasuke follows, sitting next to me. I grab the remote control off the coffee table and flip through the channels, but we don't even have basic cable and nothing looks interesting on the two or three channels that actually work. "Wanna watch a movie or something?" I ask.

"What've you got?"

"A shitload of stuff. Sakura collects DVDs." I reach under the table to pull out a huge CD wallet, which has nine discs to a page, and open it in my lap. Sasuke takes the opportunity to shift closer, leaning in to read the titles. I feel his knee knock mine, his arm pressed against me, his hair tickling my shoulder, and I can't help but smile. "What're you in the mood for? Comedy? Action? Romance? All three?"

"Hmm." Sasuke flips the page, considers the titles. "How do you feel about horror?"

"Wh—uh, no. Anything but that." I quickly turn the page away from Sakura's horror section, but Sasuke intercepts me and flips it back.

"Oh?" There's a scheming smirk on his face now. "Too scary for you?"

"No," I retort automatically, glaring at him. "I find horrors boring, actually. Gratuitous scare tactics do not a good film make."

"You just don't want to watch them 'cause they scare you, right?"

"Wrong! They don't scare me at all."

"Then you shouldn't have any trouble watching one." He slides a disc out of its pocket. "Come on, this is one of my favourite movies. It's not _that _bad. Don't be a scaredy-cat," he taunts.

"I'm not a scaredy-cat!" I snap, and grab the disc.

As I slide it into the machine and set up the TV, I hear Sasuke get up and walk away. I'm confused for a moment until I hear the curtains slide shut and see the room plunge into darkness. Oh, great. Absolutely wonderful.

"Just setting the atmosphere," he says casually. "No point watching a horror in broad daylight."

"Right." I sit back down, handing Sasuke the remote control. I know I won't be able to bring myself to press play.

It starts innocently enough. A girl moves into her missing father's hometown to get some clues on where he might be. She gets wind of some sort of rumour, a legend about a paranormal monster and weird disappearances. She ignores all warnings and goes fucking exploring. Alone. What an idiot. At least it's sunny… until the fog rolls in. Then shit starts getting real.

Let me say it straight: I cannot stand horror. Games like Silent Hill and Amnesia, YouTube videos specifically designed to freak you out, even news stories about murderers and psychopaths make me paranoid. When that guy gnawed off some dude's face in Florida and ignored being shot and everyone wouldn't shut up about zombies, I had to leave the room any time someone started talking about it. Real or not, I can't take stuff like this, especially if it involves the supernatural.

I shouldn't have let Sasuke goad me into this. I won't be able to sleep alone for weeks. I won't be able to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, or to travel home from uni after dark. And that's a real problem now, in the winter, when sunset is so early. I really, really don't like this. I can feel the horror leaking into my mind, blotting out normal thought to make way for something much more sinister. I can feel it awakening inside me, and yet I can't stop watching, can't tear my eyes away from the train wreck.

"Naruto?"

I jump. I actually nearly forgot Sasuke was next to me. I finally look away from the screen, where the protagonist stands, trapped, waiting for unknown predators to appear. He's looking at me with concern.

"You're kind of tense," he says quietly.

I blink, then realize my palms is aching where my nails have been digging into them. It hurts my joints to uncurl my fingers, and the skin of my palm is bright red with little crescent indents.

"It – it's nothing," I say, curling my fingers back in to hide the marks, though only loosely now. "Bit of a habit, that's all."

He lets it slide, saying, "Well, it's not a great one. Better stop before you break the skin."

Before I can pull my hand away, he takes it in his own, straightening out my fingers, rubbing his thumb into my palm to soothe the skin, massaging my fingers gently. It's strangely soothing over the background noise of panicked breathing, ominous rustling, and eerie music. He continues for a long time, then gradually slows, until he's just holding my hand, unmoving. It helps – it helps a lot – but I still can't erase the basic, primal fright I feel with this movie playing on the TV in front of me. We're not even an hour into the movie and I'm already trembling, wide-eyed in horror, desperately hoping for it to be over soon. Darkness is creeping into the edges of my vision, horrible scratchy voices whispering taunts and jeers in my mind as the protagonist on-screen writhes frantically, caught in a trap. A sudden bright flash of light accompanies a terrified shriek and I flinch, my heart taking off like a rocket.

"Are you okay?" Sasuke asks, sounding worried.

"Yeah," I mumble, though I can't really focus on what he asked. I'm losing my grip on the real world, watching it fall away as the darkness closes in.

"If it scares you that much, just say so. We don't have to watch it if you—"

"I'm fine!" I shout, but my voice cracks and I suddenly realize that I'm curled up, my feet up on the couch, my knees drawn to my chest. Sasuke actually draws back a little, startled by my outburst. I can't do this. I duck my head and bury my face in my knees, rocking gently back and forth. _Go away,_ I repeat in my mind, like a mantra. _Go away. Make the darkness go away. _This keeps it at bay, at least to an extent. I can at least think semi-straight. Not that it matters, because I have to focus all my energy on the chant just to avoid being swallowed up.

Through the hissing and snarling in my mind I hear a clearer voice calling my name, a familiar and comforting one that reminds me what reality feels like the same way you only know something is a dream once you've woken up. Except that here, I'm still locked in the dream – the nightmare.

"…Naruto," calls the voice, sounding distant and unreachable. "Naruto, it's okay. I turned off the movie. We're not watching it anymore."

I can't fight the darkness. It grasps at me with greedy claws, bares its fangs and beckons me into its embrace. It will consume me.

Then I feel a touch on my shoulder and the darkness shrinks away, repelled like oil from soap, clearing my mind. I carefully lift my head enough to peek out a little. The TV is off, the curtains are thrown open, and Sasuke's kneeling in front of me with his hand on my shoulder. I feel heavy, like I haven't slept in days.

"Naruto." He looks into my eyes, worry in his. "Naruto, look at me. Are you okay?"

"I…" I rub my eyes. I can't truthfully say yes, so I just shake my head. I put my feet on the floor and stand, then sway. Sasuke's standing by my side at once, steadying me. His presence immediately makes my head feel clearer.

"I think I need to lie down for a bit," I mutter. I take a hold of his arm for support, feeling immeasurably weary, and we make our way to my room. He doesn't say anything, but the furrowing of his brow is enough for me to read his concern. I collapse onto my bed, sitting on the edge and slumping forward.

"Do you need anything? A glass of water?" Sasuke heads for the kitchen.

"Wait—!" Before he can go, I lurch to my feet. I don't even know what I'm doing until my face is buried in his neck and my arms are wrapped tight around him. I'm shaking uncontrollably and so severely I threaten to take us both down, but there's no way I'm letting go of him.

"Okay, I'll stay," he says gently. "But let me close the door. It's alright, Naruto. It's fine. I'm staying here with you. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just closing the door."

I listen to his soothing voice, listen to him repeat this over and over again. A mantra. Just closing the door. It'll be okay. We'll be safe. I loosen up enough for him to reach an arm out and push the door shut, then he leads me back to the bed and sits me down, taking a seat next to me. He rubs my back, speaking soothing words. I don't know what he's saying. It doesn't matter. His voice fights the demon within.

"…Fuck," I finally say, after many long minutes of this. My voice is as shaky as I am, as small as I feel. "I… I'm sorry, Sasuke. This wasn't supposed to happen."

"What are you talking about? I should be the one apologizing. I pressured you into watching the movie—"

But I shake my head. "No, you didn't know. I know better than to watch horrors. But I did it anyway. I just thought – I dunno, it's been going better lately; it's been a while since this happened, so I thought I might be able to handle it. But I just…" I shudder as I recall the way the darkness invaded the edges of my sanity. "I guess it's not worth hiding from you, since you've witnessed it firsthand. I… get triggered by horror, especially supernatural stuff. I mean, in a really big way. I don't know what I was thinking, trying to watch that. I mean, some things elicit a much less powerful response than others. But some things just resonate a little too strongly, and then it starts to wake up…"

Sasuke frowns. "Wake up? What are you talking about?"

"Nothing. It's nothing," I tell him. In any other situation I bet he'd press the matter, but here he lets it go. You don't ask someone for details about their trigger. "Shit, I'm really sorry. For – for making everything really serious and stuff."

"Don't be." He pushes my bangs back, tucking my hair behind my ear, his touch gentle and his hand steady. He is the solidarity I need right now, when my world is threatening to crumble. "You shouldn't have to apologize for getting upset. I'm the one who should be sorry – I shouldn't have goaded you. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I just – I need some time to distance myself from it." Even sitting, I find myself swaying, not completely in control. There's just too much going on in my head for me to concern myself with the physical.

"Lie down," Sasuke suggests gently.

I nod, but that makes my head reel, so I give that up and lie on my side in bed, half-curled, still shaking, and reach an arm out to him. "I… need you here with me," I mumble. "Just lie with me for a while. Please."

He threads his fingers through with mine, then lies on the other side of the bed, facing me, very close. Not close enough. When my mind is this plagued, I need all the comfort I can get. I'm so tired; all I want to do is sleep. But I'm afraid to. I'm afraid to close my eyes, to submit myself to that demon. Even with Sasuke there, I can't trust what I can't be sure of with my physical senses. I scoot closer, filling the space between us. He wraps his arms around me without question, one hand cradling the back of my head, gently sifting through my hair; the other on my back, holding me tight. I slip my arms around him, burying my face in his chest, taking deep breaths, breathing in his comforting scent, feeling the trembling fade.

It's a long time before I finally feel ready to face the world again. I untangle myself from Sasuke, who's been combing through my hair with his fingers the entire time, and slowly sit up and lean back against the headboard.

"Thanks," I murmur. "I think… I feel better now."

"You think?" He sits next to me, watching me carefully.

"Yeah. I kind of have to take a break after it happens, but then distraction is the best remedy."

"Should we do something else then?"

"In a bit. I like being here."

He smiles. "Okay."

I lean against his shoulder, and his hand automatically finds mine. I squeeze it, unable to better express how grateful I am for his company. Usually when this kind of thing happens, Sakura, Sai, or one of the name twins will be there for me, to anchor me to this world until the torrent of darkness subsides. But most of my friends know nothing about my anxiety attacks, nor the darkness I have to fight. If it ever came up in conversation, I think I'd tell Sasuke, because I trust him – but it didn't have to. It happened, and he was there for me in a way no one has ever been there for me the first time. Every time I panic around someone new, I face extra anxiety over having to deal with someone who has no clue how to help me. It racks me with guilt, and their lack of confidence breaks me further. But Sasuke was calm the whole way.

"Have you ever dealt with someone having a panic attack before?" I ask.

He shakes his head. "I… didn't really know they were a thing, to be honest."

"You handled it really well. I mean, you didn't try to tell me to calm down or that there was nothing to panic about." I frown, recalling some slightly less helpful consolers from when I was younger. "I already know all that. I don't need to hear it from someone who doesn't know how I'm feeling."

"Seems a bit insensitive," Sasuke muses.

"Yeah. It's like… I already know I'm overreacting, and thinking about that just makes me panic more. I don't need anyone to tell me my feelings are invalid." I shake my head. Just thinking about it gives me the jitters. "Never mind. You hungry?"

* * *

This took an entirely different turn than what I was expecting. I was just thinking they could hang out, talk a bit, watch a movie. I sent out a question on my Tumblr asking what people thought Sasuke and Naruto might watch together. Eventually I chose not to pick a specific movie, but I did choose for it to be horror for a bit of hurt/comfort. But of course, being the melodramatic writer I am, I ended up with an overreacting Naruto and I just decided to go with it. It was a good decision. At least I think so. I don't foresee it playing a huge role in the story, but it'll certainly stick around for a few chapters and maybe crop up again later.

Note that I don't personally have trigger attacks and I've never witnessed someone have one, so my take on this is purely a result of stories and research. I assume they're different for everyone, but I didn't realize until well into the whole thing that I've been writing about them as if I know a lot about the subject when really I probably don't. I really hope I'm approaching it right. If I've done anything to offend anyone, I apologize profusely and hope that you'll let me know so I can change it.

R+F


	11. Lust

**Chapter Eleven: **Lust

**Words: **3672

Whoops! I said I'd update yesterday. I've been pretty busy for the past two days, though, and will be until tomorrow. So, uh… yeah. Sorry.

Writing-wise, I'm most of the way through chapter fifteen. Stuff is really starting to go down now. Exciting times!

* * *

I manage to distract myself from the anxiety attack by cooking dinner with Sasuke and Sai. Not enough to completely forget, but enough to let the emotions fade into memory. It starts out gradual – when Sai comes to join us in the kitchen, he immediately notices that something's off about me.

"Naruto? You seem tired," he says. "Is everything okay?"

"Um, yeah. It will be eventually." I exchange glances with him, and he understands at once. He and Sakura know very well that the best remedy for my anxiety is time and that interrogating me will only set off a relapse. If I need to talk about it, I'll approach them.

"Okay," he says. "What's for dinner?"

"Burgers and fries. Homemade," I add with a grin. "Is Sakura not home yet?"

Before Sai can answer, we hear the front door unlock and Sakura's voice shout, "I'm home!"

"We're in the kitchen," I call back.

In a minute she appears in the doorway. She glances around, then does a double take. Her eyes widen in disbelief. "_Sasuke?_"

"Long time no see." Sasuke smiles.

"What – no way!" She runs up to him and gives him a big hug, laughing and asking how he's been. It's a while before they part – it's obvious they were great friends before. It's kind of touching, actually, watching their reunion. "Wow! You're so…"

"Hot?" I offer.

She flushes and mumbles, "He's always been."

"I'm flattered," he says with a laugh. "And you, Sakura – Naruto wasn't exaggerating."

"See! Even the gay agrees with me." I smile and dodge a punch from Sakura.

"I was _going _to say Sasuke's really tall," Sakura huffs. She turns away from me and to him, her eyes lighting up at once. "So how are you? How's everything going?"

They chat animatedly, starting with a general summary of what they've each been up to since they last talked, then filling in the details as the conversation deepens. I don't think I've ever heard Sasuke talk so much. He seems utterly at ease with Sakura, in a different way I feel he's at ease around me. Don't get me wrong; I don't think Sasuke feels uncomfortable around me, but he _knows _Sakura. He certainly carries some tension around Suigetsu and Karin, he was downright frigid towards Sai, and he mostly ignored the name twins (though that could have been because we were pretty engaged in our own conversation at the time). I haven't really seen Sasuke interact with that many people, but Sakura's the first besides me that he seems truly at ease with. It's like he's opened up to be a completely different person.

I can't help but wonder if this is what Sasuke was like as a kid. It would make sense for it to be how he acted around Sakura when they knew each other. He doesn't make the same innuendos and witty remarks as he does around me; his responses are sincere, wholesome, and generally innocent. Maybe it's just how he acts around Sakura specifically. But it'd still apply, wouldn't it?

"Naruto?"

"Zah?" I blink, then jump when I realize Sakura's sitting next to me at the dining table. Wait, we're at the dining table? When did we finish cooking? When did we bring everything over and sit down? I definitely remember helping out, though…

"You haven't said a word in the past half hour," Sasuke says from my other side. I turn to him and he raises an eyebrow at me, like he's expecting me to get with the program already.

"Sorry," I say, still too confused to really figure out a comeback. "I was lost in thought."

"Again? I can't fish you out from the sea of deep contemplation every time," he replies, amused.

"What were you thinking about?" asks Sakura curiously. "You don't get like that too often."

"You too?" I look from her to Sasuke and back again. "What is it, Make Fun of Naruto's Stupidity Day?"

"I thought that was every day," Sai quips, but he's smiling.

"Oh, great." I roll my eyes and turn to my food. I feel a foot nudge mine and I glance sideways. Sasuke smiles reassuringly at me, and I return the smile and the nudge. In moments we're playing footsies under the table as the conversation continues. It's a comforting gesture, especially since I was starting to feel left out listening to him and Sakura talk. I mean, it's completely unfair of me to begrudge them that; they were good friends long before I met either of them and they're perfectly entitled to _talk_. But there's still an irrational twinge of disgruntlement that I have to admit is there.

"Say, Naruto… you look really worn out," says Sakura. "You alright?"

"Huh?" I turn to find she's leaned in close to me, and before I know what's going on she's reaching out, her thumb brushing across the area below my eye, as though to erase the dark circles I know are there. I went to splash my face with water in the bathroom before we went to make dinner and I had a look in the mirror. Sakura's right, of course – I look kind of awful. I forgot about it quickly because I'm among company I feel comfortable with, people I trust and care about. I don't know whether it's a mark of Sakura knowing me really well that she noticed, or of her being completely distracted by Sasuke that it took her this long.

Speaking of Sasuke, I can feel a glare boring into the back of my head.

Sakura doesn't seem to notice at all, though. Her attention is fixed on me. "You look exhausted," she says. "Is everything okay?"

"Oh, well…" I avert my gaze, trying to figure out how much I'm willing to say. It's not that I think Sakura will make a big deal about it – I know she won't – but I don't want to worry her when I'm already mostly over it and I don't really feel like bringing it up. But on the other hand I feel like she has a right to know, being one of my closest friends and all. I know she'd want me to tell her – I'd want to know, if something similar had happened to her. So I decide to say it straight. "I had a trigger attack."

"Oh—" She looks surprised, worry immediately entering into her eyes. "What – what happened?

"Are you okay?" asks Sai, equally concerned.

I nod, trying to assuage them because they're both staring at me. "I'm fine now, I just…"

"It was my fault," Sasuke interjects, though quietly, as though unsure of how much he's allowed to say. "I goaded him into watching a horror movie with me."

"Yeah, but you didn't know it would have serious repercussions," I say. "I'm the one who knew that. I should've said something."

He frowns. "It's not that easy to just out and tell someone that kind of thing, especially if you haven't known them long. I can understand why you didn't."

"That doesn't make it your fault. I just—" I sigh. "Look, can we not argue about it? I don't need more stress right now."

Sasuke instantly looks apologetic. "I – yeah. Sorry." His knee presses against mine, and I press back, trying to let him know I forgive him.

The remainder of dinnertime is fairly subdued. I feel kind of terrible for it – I was hoping for Sasuke to get along with my housemates, for everything to be natural and comfortable, like he was always supposed to be a part of us – part of the family. Not that it's no longer a possibility or anything; it's not like there's never been a tense silence through the house with just the three of us, but I guess I just wanted today to not be one of those days. And I'm not so sure about that glare I felt from Sasuke when Sakura was taking a closer look at the bags under my eyes.

Sakura is on washing duty, since she didn't help with the cooking. Normally we all take our dirty dishes to the sink, but Sai grabs mine and Sasuke's before I can do so. "I've got it," he says gently. Perhaps it's a small gesture to ease my load; maybe he's just being nice. Either way, I'm grateful for it.

"Thanks," I say, and head out to my room. Sasuke follows me wordlessly. I close the door behind us, then flop back on my bed with a sigh. "God, I am _done_. I don't even know why, but I'm exhausted."

"You've kind of gone through a lot in the past couple of hours," says Sasuke, sitting with his back against the headboard. "Here, put your head in my lap."

I glance over and have to smirk. "Face-up or face-down?"

He snorts. "Face-up. For now."

I adjust so that I'm lying on my back with my head resting on his thighs, his feet on either side of my hips. He touches my forehead gently, then passes his fingers over my eyelids, coaxing me to close them. "Relax," he murmurs. I feel the pads of his thumbs trace across my cheekbones, then go up to my temples. He rubs them in little circles, then presses in firmly but carefully. I feel some of the tension in my mind dissipate. He repeats a few times, then proceeds to give my face a massage – smoothing out my eyebrows, finding pressure points that relax my muscles, rubbing circles near the inside corners of my eyes. It's a surprisingly comforting gesture. There's something soothing about having one's face touched, a generally sensitive area that you only allow contact with if you truly trust the person. And I trust Sasuke. Something about how he acts around me makes me feel completely open to him. I don't necessarily have much solid proof, but somehow I know he has my best interests at heart. He actually cares about me. And I care about him.

Sasuke's hands are warm and gentle, yet sure of their path. He says nothing; the room is blissfully silent, and I can feel myself drifting off – until his hands move to rub my ears. I'm wide awake at once, energy spiking through me as I unwillingly let out a long, breathy moan.

He pauses in his movements. "Naruto?"

"Um…" I open my eyes to see him looking curiously at me, somewhat surprised. I quickly glance away; I can't meet his eyes, not when my cheeks are this warm. "I think… you should probably leave it at that. Thanks."

I make to get up, but he runs a finger along the back of my ear and I melt, exhaling loudly. I glare up at him but only get a smirk back.

"I think I found a weak spot," Sasuke whispers.

"You are a dead man, Sasuke," I retort, but there's nothing I can do. He traces the outsides of my ears, rubs around them, tugs at them gently. Fuck. "I never shoulda let you – ngh – do this," I say through gritted teeth.

"Not if you already knew your ears were erogenous zones, no," he agrees. "But I can't see how this is such a bad thing."

"Well I mean…" I reach up, slide my arms around his waist, even though I know I shouldn't. "Considering I probably shouldn't even be thinking about sex around you, let alone letting you touch me inappropriately—"

"They're your ears, not your dick."

"Well when you surprise-grope them like that, my reaction's not going to be much different."

"Is that so?" His smirk is unbearable.

I get up before he can stop me and turn onto my front, propping myself up on my elbows and glaring at him. His expression doesn't change one bit. He runs a hand through my hair, and I sigh, giving in. He's just too… I dunno. I can't stay mad at him. I lower my head and gently headbutt him in the stomach. Then I just stay like that for a while. It's nice, being close to him. I really, really like this feeling.

I feel him shift as his head comes closer to mine, then I hear him whisper, "Face-down."

I have to laugh. Of course, lying on my stomach in between his legs, there's no way you could pass up that implication. I push a little harder against his stomach before relenting and sitting back on my heels. Then I grab his ankles and, taking him by surprise, tug him forward until he's lying down instead of sitting. I fall forward again, supporting myself on my hands on either side of his head. My knees push his apart. I smirk at the position I've forced him into: sprawled beneath me, his guard down.

In an alternate reality, this could have led to sex.

"Tease," he breathes, but he's smiling. Out of the corner of my eye I see his fingers flex, and I let myself imagine an alternate reality in which they'd reach for my head and pull me into a kiss, in which I'd lower my body and grind my hips against his. But I can't have that alternate reality, so I'll have to settle for imagining it. It's better than what I have now. What I have now is Sasuke reaching up to poke my cheek, then letting his hand fall back and just staring into my eyes. I can't get over how clear and bright his are, how much it feels like he's just waiting for me to read what he's thinking in his face, his expression. But I can't. I can read basic desire – I know what that looks like, and I know it's there – but he's trying to tell me something, something he doesn't dare say in words, and I don't know how to read that language.

"God, this is unbearable," I murmur.

"You're telling me. I haven't felt this much unresolved sexual tension since…" He considers for a moment. "Probably when I was sixteen."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." But he doesn't pursue that memory any further.

I let it go. I heave another sigh and flop to the side, lying next to him. "Unresolved sexual tension," I repeat. "Is that a thing? Like… isn't it kind of redundant to call it unresolved?"

"It's a trope. I assume it's generally applied to tension that never gets resolved in canon."

"So you're saying we're never gonna bang."

"That's not up to me," he says simply.

"I know…" I know what he's saying. He's not the one with the inhibitions here.

"Well," he goes on in a slightly lighter tone, "I guess we could always hope that it won't be unresolved forever, just for a long time. Long, unresolved sexual tension, if you will."

"Ha. I see what you did there." I smack his shoulder lightly, and he chuckles. "Maybe you're right. Though I'd like to think that _lust_ isn't all it is," I say slowly.

He turns his head to look at me. "Yeah," he says quietly. "I'd like to think so too."

I smile. The look on his face fills me with a sense of tranquillity, like everything is right. If only. Still, I love the idea of Sasuke lying in my bed.

"Though it accounts for a pretty big portion," I add, smirking.

He hits my arm. "Hey, we were almost having a moment there."

"Almost. You'll have to settle for that. Were you implying we'll have sex one day?"

"I might be persuaded to ask you for a raincheck."

"You're first on the list," I chuckle. "God. As if I have a list."

"I was under the impression, from my conversation with Sakura and Sai, that you already had one prior to meeting me."

"Huh?" Apparently I spaced out harder than I thought back there. "News to me. Who's on it?"

"Sai, evidently."

"What, he told you that?"

"Both he and Sakura implied as much. I suppose I should clarify that it's not a confirmed list," he says with a bit of a smile. "Just a list of people who would like to be on your list. In which case I suppose you can add Karin."

"Ugh, Karin's not ever getting on my list." I scowl. "I could be persuaded to put Sai there, though. Still, you've got the top spot. Don't forget that."

"I'm holding you to it." Sasuke rolls over towards me, until he's on his front and his thigh is pressed against mine. "I want a carbon copy of that list."

"Pfft." I tuck my hands behind my head. "I doubt you'll let me forget. It's not like the list is particularly lengthy or anything. I bet Blue's is a mile long."

"Hmm."

I frown, raise my head a little. "What?"

"Nothing," he says airily, watching me with a strange look in his eyes. "I guess he won't be getting to it anytime soon."

"I guess." I drop my head back and try to recall any hints from Blue that he wants to sleep with someone else, any indication at all, but it's not particularly easy when we don't really talk. I can't remember that he's even mentioned anyone else since coming back from the holidays. Maybe one of the actors he hangs out with. Might he be waiting to sleep with one of them? The thought makes me uncomfortable. Maybe we should do something else. I sit up and glance around. "Anything you wanna do? Play video games or something? We could try another movie," I suggest. "Y'know, something less… terrifying."

"That's subjective." He sits up next to me and hooks his foot around mine, our knees touching. "But we won't get into that. Why don't you pick this time?"

"Hmm. How do you feel about superhero movies?"

"I don't know; I've never watched one. I'm not generally into comics, but I have heard good things about Marvel's recent films." He nods. "I could watch a superhero film."

"Awesome. Thor or Captain America?" I ask. I don't really feel like getting up, though; that would mean disentangling my leg from his, and I don't have any other excuse to maintain physical contact with him. It's easier to do this when we don't talk about it. God, I'm such a hypocrite. I force myself to part from him and stand. "Come on. TV's in the living room."

"That means leaving the smell of your bed," Sasuke laments. But he follows me out into the hallway.

"We could watch it on my laptop. Either way we have to get the DVD. Hey guys."

"Hello, Naruto," says Sai, not looking up from his work. He completely ignores Sasuke.

Sakura puts down her pencil. "Hey, Naruto, Sasuke. What are you up to?"

"Gonna watch an Avenger movie. Hemsworth or Evans?"

"Mm… tough call. I'm gonna have to say Hemsworth. Sai?"

"I think the Captain better suits my tastes," Sai says, "though Evans does look a lot tougher in Scott Pilgrim."

"Yeah. The Cap's got a bit of an innocent look to him," I agree. "Who's more your type, Sasuke?" I find the DVDs and take them out to show him.

Sasuke gives each face consideration. "A tough call indeed. I can see you making a good Captain America." He meets my eyes with a smirk. "The blue-eyed blond pretty boy look is just right."

"It's the lack of facial hair, I'd say." I turn the DVDs around to get a look myself. "I dunno how I feel about the excessive patriotism. I mean, the film handles it pretty well, but there's no escaping it really."

"Honestly I wouldn't mind staring at either Chris for extended periods of time," Sasuke says. "Thor came out first, didn't it?"

"Yeah, but if you want to watch them in order you'll want Iron Man and The Hulk first."

"Unfortunately I haven't got those," Sakura says.

"True. World War Two or Asgard? Hemsworth _did _work out specifically for the role…"

Sakura says, "I doubt Evans didn't work out."

"But Thor also has Loki in it," Sai points out.

"A persuasive argument," I agree. Sakura nods, conflicted now.

"Maybe we should just watch both," Sasuke says, "and start with Thor, since it was released first."

"The guest has spoken!" I say dramatically. Sasuke snorts quietly, and I grin. "Thor it is. See you later, kiddos."

I don't want to disturb the others while they're working, so Sasuke and I go back to my room for the movie. I close the door, turn off the lights and set up the DVD on my laptop, which I then set at the foot of my bed. I scoot back to lean against the headboard next to Sasuke, who's already made himself comfortable. He immediately takes the opportunity to lean on my shoulder.

This movie turns out to be a much wiser choice than the last one. I guess it helps that I've already seen it. Thanks to the previous panic attack I'm still kind of shaky, wary of anything even slightly dark, but at least in this case I know what's going to happen. And there's something about Sasuke that calms the terror, pushing away the thing inside me that threatens to break me. I don't know what it is – I don't know what it is yet, but I know without a doubt that Sasuke can repel the demon, with just his presence, his head against my shoulder, his thumb passing slowly and repeatedly over the back of my hand. I wonder if he has any idea of the effect he has. Whether it's something unique to him, or a power that a lot of people have but I've just never been around them when I'm having an attack. It's more than the comfort of a trusted friend's presence. It's just… Sasuke.

He tilts his head up to look at me. "You okay there?" he asks quietly.

I smile and nod. "Yeah," I reply in barely a whisper. "I'm doing great."

* * *

Please excuse my liberal gushing over all the Avengers. asdfldkj. I thought it would be interesting to hear what Team Seven has to say on the matter. Also I have a celebrity crush on Captain America. Not even Chris Evans generally, just… look at him. He's so adorable. Okay I'm going to shut up now.

Thanks for reading!

R+F

P.S. Was I too obvious? xD


	12. Dawning

**Chapter Twelve:** Dawning

**Words: **4039

I keep forgetting Fridays are update days now! Also, this is my first time trying out the copy-n-paste option on FFN's uploader. Seems useful, but by now I'm super used to saving chapters as documents and it'll get on my nerves that I don't have them all. So I'll probably just keep using the uploading thing. It doesn't make a difference in publishing anyway.

Also also, I feel like next to no one figured out what I was trying to hint at last chapter. Or maybe they did and no one told me. In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, I'll give you a hint: last chapter I wrote what L.U.S.T. stands for. If it's still too hard to figure out... I guess I failed. xD Lemme know if you got it? (Don't be too obvious though, in case other people read the reviews! Maybe send me a PM if you want to be 100% sure.)

* * *

I'm falling. The darkness is absolute; I can see only my own body, head over heels as I plummet. Red eyes fade into my field of vision, terrifying not in their appearance but in the way they paralyze me with fear simply with their presence. But I know the routine: they disappear just as I feel myself turn over in the air and I hit the ground running, sprinting as fast as I can because I know what happens next. The sound of monstrous paws accompanies each shake of the earth as the demon chases me through the nothingness, slowly but surely gaining. I can feel his hot, steamy breath on my back, smell the musty scent of his matted fur, hear his growling voice taunting me. I know how this goes. Right on cue, I trip and fall and find myself at a dead end. The demon's muzzle nears me, gives me a sniff. I brace myself, waiting for the long, torturous process that will be him ripping me apart, piece by piece.

But instead of his jaws opening as usual, he stops, his ears lifting, hackles rising. He starts a low growl, an almost subsonic rumble like an earthquake, but it's not loud enough to cover up the sound of someone's voice in the distance, growing closer: "…up… Wake up, Naruto…"

I awake with a start and a shout. When I come to my senses, I'm sitting bolt upright, panting, my heart a riot. It takes me a moment to get my bearings: I'm in my own bed, credits rolling on the screen of my laptop, and Sasuke is sitting next to me looking concerned.

"Naruto?" he says, his voice gentle. "Are you okay?"

For a moment I can't speak. I can't quite form thoughts yet; I just look at Sasuke, feeling the spaces between my heartbeats gradually lengthen, feeling the extra oxygen replenishing my body. I let the sight of his presence soothe me, remind me where I am. This is reality and that was just a nightmare. I'm awake now. The demon can't touch me.

"Naruto?" he says again, softer.

Slowly I nod. "I'm okay," I mumble. "Bad dream."

"You were shaking." He hesitates before edging closer almost tentatively, like he isn't sure whether or not he should be doing so. I confirm for him by moving right next to him, turning to press my forehead to his shoulder, and allow myself a moment of weakness. It takes a lot of trust for me to show my weak side to someone. I'm generally trusting – but not that trusting. Not when so many people turn their backs on me, judging me for something I could never help. But I feel completely safe around Sasuke. I let him put an arm around me and rest his head on top of mine.

"I shouldn't have fallen asleep," I say. "I mean, not just because of the dream. Did you see the whole movie?"

"Yeah. Don't worry about it." His hand rubs my back. Already my heartbeat is almost regular. "You tired? I can go home if you want."

"No, don't—" I stop myself before I can say anything more. I'm pathetic enough right now as it is.

He rubs my back slowly. "Okay," he says. "I'll stay."

I shake my head. "Ignore me. You don't have to stay if you don't want to."

"Who said I didn't want to?" he says. I can hear the smile in his voice.

"None of the right buses are running now anyway," I mumble. "Don't tell me you were thinking of walking." I shudder at the thought. Distance aside, memories of the demon ensure I won't be able to think about the darkness without being unnecessarily wary about everything.

"I would've called a taxi," he says.

"It'd cost you a lot." I'm wary of taxi drivers too. And cars. And phones. "Do you have class in the morning? You could stay the night."

He considers. "On the couch?"

"On my bed. It is a double after all." I lie back, dragging him down with me. "It's not like this hasn't happened before. No point relegating you to the couch when there's perfectly viable bed space here."

"I wouldn't say no to that," he concedes, then his smile turns humorous. "Though if I start humping you in the middle of the night—"

"Then I can't say I wasn't warned, yeah, yeah." I chuckle. To be perfectly honest, though, I want Sasuke to stay. He was able to pull me out of that dream. His voice distracted the demon – I've never had that happen before. I've woken up to people shouting my name, shaking me and trying to get me to snap out of it, but never have they affected the dream world. Are they the exceptions to the rule, or is it Sasuke?

Everything's reversed. This time I'm the one lending Sasuke a toothbrush; this time he's the one who gets to indulge in the scent of my room while I indulge in the scent of _him_. Not that I'm too bothered. You know how usually other people's scents are sort of invasive? You enter a house and it smells like its occupants, or you hug them and you can smell them and you'd rather not, at least not that strongly? Yeah, not getting anything like that from Sasuke. I think I remember reading something about how scientifically people who smell better to you are more genetically suited to mating with you, or something like that. I dunno, it's not like I'm about to have biological babies with Sasuke, but damn if I'm not attracted to everything about him. I find myself snuggling up to him in bed as we lie under the covers, just talking.

"You smell nice," I tell him quietly, my face buried in his chest.

"Same to you." He takes a deep breath, tousling my hair.

"Just to warn you," I say, "I'm going to have more nightmares. If I start kicking, just… push me away or something."

"Mm," he says, in a way that tells me he probably isn't going to do any such thing. And, truthfully, that makes me kinda happy. "Should I wake you?"

I consider, then nod. "Yeah, that'd probably help, actually. I mean, sorry in advance for disturbing you, but…"

"No worries. I'd rather help you out of a bad dream than sleep through it and make you deal with it on your own."

I smile. "Thanks, Sasuke. It's always better if I'm with someone. What the darkness likes the most is when I'm alone." I know that doesn't make a ton of sense, but if Sasuke has questions, he doesn't ask them.

"I can see how solitude would make things worse."

"Yeah." I don't try to correct him. He's not wrong, anyway.

A sudden knock at my door startles me into sitting upright and throwing the covers off, my heart racing again. I have to calm myself down and remind myself that it's probably just a housemate or something. Though in that case my sitting up is probably for the best; as comfortable as I am around them, I don't think it's the best idea for them to walk in on me and Sasuke cuddling in bed.

"Naruto?" calls Sai's voice from through the door.

"Yeah? Come in." I glance at Sasuke, who's lying casually on his back with his arms behind his head as though he's always been in that position. God this guy has tact.

The door opens and Sai peeks in. In the moment in which he takes stock of the sight in front of him, I fear that it might not be enough, that he suspects us, but then he meets my eyes and all I read in his is concern.

"I was wondering what the sleeping arrangements were tonight," he says casually. "Since… you know. I thought you might want company."

"Oh." Against my will I glance at Sasuke. "Uh, I'll be fine. Sasuke's staying the night."

"…I see," he says after a moment. He regards Sasuke coolly, then looks back to me, the ice in his gaze melting instantly. "Well, we'll be in my room if you need us at any point in the night. Sleep well, Naruto."

"Yeah. Thanks, Sai. You too." I watch the door until it snaps shut, then fall back with a sigh. I don't know why all this feels so difficult. I feel as comfortable around Sasuke as I do around my housemates, so why do I also feel like I have to keep things secret from each side?

"What was that all about?" asks Sasuke, rolling onto his side. He sounds sceptical, almost suspicious.

And _that's _why I keep things secret.

But I don't want to keep secrets from Sasuke. As much as I feel like he won't be happy with the fact that I sometimes sleep with my housemates – in the most literal sense – I can't deny it's the truth, and I want to be honest with him. "Oh, well, it's just this thing we do sometimes," I say, trying to keep an offhand tone. "If one of us has had a bad night, we stick together to sleep."

"Is Sai bisexual?" asks Sasuke. "He implied he's going to bed with Sakura tonight."

"No, he's pretty gay. It's platonic," I explain. I meet his eyes and will him to believe me, to stop judging me or being weirded out or whatever it is he's doing. "Look, I know we don't have the most conventional of relationships, but—"

"No, I get it." He reaches over to flick hair out of my eyes. "It's not my place to say what you can or can't do with your housemates. In fact, it's really great that you can give each other that."

Slowly I nod, grateful for his words, but still wary and wondering if he's covering something up. "I think that too."

"It must be nice," he says. "Having someone you can trust that much."

"I trust you that much," I whisper.

"So you've deferred that role to me for tonight?"

"Y…yeah. If you don't mind," I add.

Sasuke breaks into a smile. "Of course not."

—

I wake up wrapped in someone's arms. It's the second time now, and this time I immediately recognize Sasuke's scent, his grip, his warm body against my back and his face snuggled into my hair. I wish I could just lie here forever, but I can feel an ache in my limbs from being in the same position for so long. I shift semi-consciously, and it wakes Sasuke.

"Mmph…" He squeezes me tighter, then lets go to stretch a little. I take the opportunity to do the same before, predictably, he grabs hold of me again and shuffles closer. "…Back to sleep," he murmurs.

"Yeah." I slide a hand over his, feeling so comfortable, so warm, that sleep claims me again in moments.

We drift in and out for the next couple of hours, occasionally trading a word or two before falling back asleep. Neither of us has class today, so it's a lazy morning, just sleeping in all cuddled up. It's really nice, but eventually I have to get up because waking up and going back to sleep so many times gets repetitive. I wriggle out of Sasuke's grasp and turn onto my other side to find he's already awake. He smiles.

"Had enough sleep?" he asks.

"Mm, yeah. I think so." I rub the grit out of the corners of my eyes. "Sleep okay?"

He rolls onto his back. "Better than most nights. You?"

I think about it. "I didn't have any nightmares at all," I realize. "Wow. That's… unprecedented." I can't help smiling. I'm grinning like an idiot, but it feels great. It must be Sasuke. There's no other explanation for it.

"That's great," he says, smiling back. "I had a dream, but it was a good one."

"Was it of me fucking you?" I joke.

His expression goes from happy to mortified faster than blinking, his cheeks going red.

"…What?" I sit up, thrown off by the sudden change.

He doesn't speak for a moment, just staring at me. Then he glances away. "…You're good," he finally says.

"I try." I'm still a little confused, but I refrain from asking further. "You're welcome to go work it off in the shower if you don't mind everyone overhearing."

"Unlike a certain blond here, I know how to keep quiet. Anyway, do you see any morning wood around here?" he asks, gesturing with his hand.

Naturally my eyes are drawn to his crotch, once again clothed only in briefs. If he had a hard-on, there would be no hiding it, especially considering the size of his package in a relaxed state. As if that thing's been pressed flush against my ass all night long. I fell asleep pretty quickly last night, without enough time to really absorb the idea, but now I'm good and awake and – oh god, have I been staring at Sasuke's crotch for the past minute? I drag my eyes back up to his face. The smirk plastered across his lips is answer enough.

"So what do you want to do today?" he asks casually, as though none of that happened. "When are you thinking of kicking me out?"

"I wasn't. Stay as long as you like."

"Don't say that," he warns me. "I might just take up residence on this side of your bed."

I laugh. "I wouldn't mind that all too much, though my landlord might. And you'd have to pay for bills and stuff."

"Naturally." He sits up. "Well, we'll save that venture for another day. You hungry? We could go out for lunch."

"Lunch?" I repeat. I check the bedside clock – it's well past noon. Not that I'm surprised. "Well, if you want. There's a good few places down the road; I know this one really nice diner that does a mean full English… but we could also just stay home and make pancakes."

"Hm. I do like the sound of that."

"Awesome. Pancakes it is, then. Consider it payback for the eggs and bacon."

"I thought you already paid me back with lunch on Monday."

"That was for the mocha."

"The mocha definitely didn't cost that much," he argues.

"So buy me another one sometime. Come on, can't you take a free meal? Not everything has to be perfectly balanced, and anyway, I just really wanna make pancakes." I heave myself out of bed, then, just because I can, slap his thigh with a resounding _smack_. "Up and at 'em, cowboy."

"Hey," he laughs. He jumps up and makes to come after me. I bolt for the door, but he's got me before my hand reaches the doorknob, punching my arm in retaliation. I grab his wrist and twist it behind his back, and for a moment or two we grapple with each other, laughing and taunting each other. Sasuke's pretty strong despite his lean build; he's wiry like a swimmer. I briefly wonder if he does any sports. The mental image of Sasuke in a jock strap is what does me in; Sasuke takes advantage of my lapse in concentration to pin me against the door, breathing heavily and smirking.

"Not too shabby, Duckbutt," I say, grinning back.

"You need to focus, Fishcakes," he says. I swear he's making his voice breathy to turn me on.

"I let you win."

"Sure you did."

He's not buying it. I change tacks. "You have the advantage of being unfairly hot."

"Hey, the handicap's mutual," he argues. "You're just making excuses 'cause you lost."

I pitch my voice down a couple of notes. "Ever worn a jockstrap?"

"No. Have you?" he asks. His eyes go unfocused for a split second, and instantly I push him against the adjacent wall.

"Handicap indeed," I say. "And yes, I have."

He chuckles. "Well played. So if I'm the cowboy, does that make you my steed?"

"As long as you don't stick your spurs in my sides, I could be convinced to let you ride me."

"What if I would rather be the one getting ridden? I'd let you slap my ass this time." He cocks his head slightly, smiling. "What do you say… partner?"

I laugh and let him off the wall. "Okay, enough with the Wild West jokes. I have to say roleplay isn't really my kink." Also, as fun as the dirty banter is, it's kind of starting to turn me on and I think that's not the best idea. God, I'm really doing this again, aren't I?

"Even though you're an actor?" he asks, then seems to reconsider. "I shouldn't stereotype."

"Nah, no worries. I know a couple of actors who get off on that kinda thing. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, right?"

"Unless it's digital."

"I'm trying to pay you a backhanded compliment here."

"Consider it paid." He smirks. "So, pancakes?"

"Yeah." I go to open the door, then stop, turn around, and look him up and down. "Well, unless you're comfortable with walking out there in just your whitey tighties, I suggest you put some pants on first."

"Why would I put pants on when you're planning to go out looking like that?" he retorts. "I know you are."

"Of course I am. It's only 'cause you're around that I'm not going out naked."

"I'm hurt, Naruto."

I chuckle and open the door. "Suck it up, Duckbutt. It also means you don't have to see Sakura and Sai naked. We have a no-nudity-around-guests rule."

"What you're implying is that Sakura and Sai see you naked on a regular basis," he notes.

When he puts it that way, it makes me feel bad. "Well, yeah," I say, because it's the truth. In the kitchen, I scour the cupboards for the ingredients we need. If cooking is an art, I'm a finger painter. I do what I want and for the fun of it. I know the pancake recipe by guesstimation, not numbers. A bunch of flour, some milk and a couple of eggs makes a decent batter. Sometimes I add sugar, but I dunno if Sasuke wants any of his with cheese or something. Cheese on pancakes is the _bomb_.

While I'm making the batter, Sasuke takes it upon himself to snoop through the kitchen. "You were right about it being clean, by the way," he says. "If my kitchen was this clean once a week I'd be in bliss."

"You came around at a pretty good time," I admit. "We just did a serious clean-up this weekend. It's already degenerated a bit, though."

"We're students; what can you expect?" He opens the fridge. "Hm. Strawberries, cherries, peaches, lemons… you guys really like your fruit, don't you?"

"Oh, yeah. My mom nags me every time she calls – which is weekly – so it's become a habit. What do you say to cutting up some stuff for the pancakes? Cutting boards behind the drying rack, knives in the third drawer."

"Sure thing."

As Sasuke's washing the fruits and I start frying up the pancakes, I hear a door open in the hall. Sakura walks into the kitchen in nothing but a bra and lacy underwear. "Morning," she yawns. "What's cooking? Pancakes?"

"Yep. Made extra batter for everyone," I say with a grin.

"Awesome. Sai's got a lecture," she says, flopping onto the couch, "but he should be back soon. If he hasn't run into Araragi or something."

"Oh man." Araragi Makoto is this guy who tried to chat me up when we were at the bar a bit before Christmas. I had to get it through his head that I was committed before he would leave me alone, but then he turned to Sai without a second thought. Don't get me wrong; I wasn't really offended. I wasn't that into him anyway. But something set off warning lights in my head, seeing him gain and lose interest that quickly. Sai took a shine to him, though, and has been out on a couple of coffee dates since. We've chatted with Araragi a bit as well, and Sakura and I have both agreed we're wary of him.

I sigh. "It's nice to see Sai coming out of his shell, but that Araragi guy is…"

"I know. Fickle," says Sakura. "Sweet when he needs to be, but I worry Sai's going to get hurt if Araragi decides Sai's not the kind of guy for him."

"Yeah. I'll beat up any bastard who leads my friends on. But then again… sometimes you gotta learn the hard way. Builds character and all that."

"I hear that." Sakura sighs. "So, did you boys sleep well? I didn't hear any headboards banging or springs squeaking," she jokes. She knows how I feel about cheating.

"Nah, I fell asleep. Sasuke's just that bad in bed." I laugh, then get smacked upside the head by Sasuke. "Kidding!"

"You'd better be if you want to keep sleeping with me," he retorts, though he's smiling.

"Um, Sasuke?" says Sakura. "If he thinks you're bad in bed, he probably doesn't want to keep sleeping with you. Just saying."

"Aha!" I wave the spatula at Sasuke. "Out-logic'd!"

"It's rude to point, Fishcakes," he says calmly.

Sakura giggles. "Fishcakes? Is that what they're calling you now?"

I roll my eyes. "If by 'they' you mean Sasuke."

"Can I be a they too?"

"Wh—no," I snap, a little more angrily than I'd intended.

"Oh. Okay." She looks rather taken aback.

"Um – that is – sorry I snapped," I say quickly. But I still don't retract my words. Sasuke passes me to get to the sink and nudges my foot gently, and I nudge him back, immediately feeling better.

Sai shows up in time to help us set the table, and breakfast (lunch for Sai) is a lively affair full of chatter and laughter. This is what I wanted – this is the family I was looking for. In the bright light of day when there aren't any heavy topics hanging over us like storm clouds, it turns out Sasuke meshes with the group wonderfully. Well… maybe I'm exaggerating. Sasuke and I get along famously of course, and he's got a pre-established ease around Sakura. With Sai, things are a little more… cool-headed. They're definitely courteous and polite, maybe a little too formal towards each other, and there's an undercurrent of threat to every word they exchange. Sakura and I, neither of us unaware of the tension between the other two, do our best to fill any awkward silences before they can crop up.

After we're done, Sai washes the dishes and Sakura goes off to uni for class. Sasuke and I grab the PS2 to play in my room. I hook it all up to the little TV on my bookshelf while he peruses the collection of games.

"Naruto?" he says, somewhat tentatively.

I stop what I'm doing and turn. "What?" His tone's made me apprehensive, and there's a troubled look on his face.

"Hm." He avoids my gaze, though he hasn't been looking at the games either. "I was just thinking… about that conversation with Sakura, while we were cooking."

"Which one?"

"The Fishcakes one." He frowns, then looks me in the eyes. "If you genuinely didn't like me calling you that, you could've told me. I'd have stopped."

"What?" I say, then, "No, no, that's not it at all! I – um. Wow." I can feel my cheeks heating up, though for what reason I don't know. "That is… I don't mind it. I don't dislike it, when… when you're the one saying it."

Hope lights up his eyes in a way that catches my heart in my throat.

"I guess I just… started to consider it a thing, between us," I go on. "At first I kinda wished you wouldn't, but it grew on me." I'm rambling now. I stop and immediately run out of words to say. I rack my brains and manage, "So… keep calling me that, I guess? I mean, if you want."

Sasuke smiles, and his eyes are radiant. "Sure thing, Fishcakes."

* * *

I need to improve my chapter endings. Eesh.

Okay, so I have a bit of writing-status-related news:

The bad news is, I was in the middle of writing the clubbing scene when realized I needed a bit more in-story time before that happens, because due to the events that transpire as a result of that club scene, things really start rolling plot-wise and I have a couple of things I'm dying to fit in first. So not only did I have to backtrack a little, but unfortunately some of the things I know you've all been dying to have happen (i.e. resolution of the main conflict) will be postponed a little longer.

The good news is, I can save what I took out for later, I've caught up word-wise and have finished chapter fifteen, and we all get to have more SasuNaru content! Yes. This is important. I don't care if it seems like filler. I'm going by the same rule for L.U.S.T. that I did for Two Face: if it shows their relationship, it doesn't count as filler. This is a casual, slice-of-life relationship!fic and I'm not trying to create a tightly woven plot full of intrigue and clever set-ups. (Maybe I will one day, partly because I want to and partly because damn do I need the practice.)

I know it's getting tiring with Naruto being all indecisive and not doing everything right the way he should, and I'm sorry for that, but there are so many things I want to write that just can't happen after the club scene. So I'm making the executive decision to do what I want and write these things. I really enjoyed finishing up chapter fifteen, so I think it's worth it. After all, our main priority is to have fun!

R+F


	13. Say

**Chapter Thirteen: **Say

**Words: **3254

So I rewatched the second and third Naruto Shippuuden movies today and I realized… I don't write anyone in character at all. Naruto's not dumb enough, Sakura's too gentle, Sai is way too sensitive to other people's emotions, and Sasuke… well, let's not even get started on Sasuke. At least with him it's a 100% conscious choice.

* * *

Sasuke and I spend all afternoon gaming, getting super competitive and only stopping to make an attempt at some sort of cooperation once or twice. We keep track of wins; our scores rise neck and neck the whole way through, and we manage to end at a tie. Sasuke leaves before dinner, insisting he can't impose on our food stock any longer. I walk him to the bus stop.

"Thanks for having me over for so long," he says, as we wait at the stop. We checked the times and got here a little early just in case. "It's pretty cold today. You don't have to wait up for me, you know."

I nod. "I know."

"Just checking," he says, but he's smiling. "And… sorry about the movie and everything."

"Don't worry about it," I say quickly. I mean, I can't admit it wasn't harrowing, but part of me is glad I was able to get through that with Sasuke. If it was going to happen, he's the best person who could be there for me besides maybe my parents. "Really, just you being there made it a lot easier."

"That's good to hear." He hesitates. "Are you… will you be alright walking back on your own?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. It's not dark yet. The light protects me," I reassure him. His words put me on guard, though; it might not be dark yet, but it's certainly reaching that point. As long as the bus gets here on time I should be fine…

"If the bus is late, you should go on ahead," Sasuke says.

"Nah, it's cool," I say, more to reassure myself now. I can deal with this. I can do something as simple as walking home after dark. It's not like Terra Park is a dangerous neighbourhood or anything, and my street's well-lit. More importantly, demons don't exist in the real world. Not corporeally, anyway. Not most of the time.

Okay, I need to stop thinking. It's really not helping.

I check the time. The bus is at least five minutes late now and the sky is almost black. At this rate I might not make it home before real darkness sets in. Already it's creeping into my mind, snarling, demanding to be set free. How long has it been since I felt this trepidation? When's the last time I got caught out alone after dark after an attack? And how long will it be until I'm okay again?

Something touches my shoulder and I jump a foot in the air. I whip around, but it's just Sasuke, looking concerned.

"Naruto. Hey, it's just me." He looks at me closely. "You sure you'll be okay?"

"Um – yeah," I say quickly. I'm fooling no one. "Yeah. I'll be fine. It's not far at all."

"Do you want me to walk you back? I can wait for the next bus. I know the way now, so—"

"I'll be _fine_," I exclaim, startling Sasuke as well as a couple of passers-by. I sigh. "Sorry. I just… I can handle it. Don't worry about me, okay? I… I think I'll start heading back now."

He still looks dubious, but he concedes. "Okay. Call me when you get home?"

"Yeah. Good idea," I say, because I'm starting to feel guilty. He's only trying to help, I know, but I'm already dealing with enough stress without having to avoid looking like a total wimp. I need to feel like someone has confidence in me, because I sure as hell don't. "I'll see you around, Sasuke."

He smiles reassuringly and pats me on the shoulder. "Bye."

I look both ways, then cross the street quickly before any cars can come by. It's not a huge street, but it does take a few seconds to cross and I spend every one expecting a truck to come out of nowhere and mow me down. The moment my foot hits the curb is the moment I exhale a breath of relief – but it's short-lived, because now I have to take the ten-minute walk back down my street without descending into madness. I look back at the main road. The bus has arrived, blocking Sasuke from my view. I can't see him on the bus through the windows. I watch it leave, taking him away from here, from me. And darkness has settled properly now. Feeling my spirits sink, I turn back. I'm standing under the glow of a street lamp, staring out into the darkness. I'm terrified. I can't step out of this circle of light. I can't do it.

I pinch myself on the arm and yelp, snapping out of my frozen state of terror. No. This is dumb. The sidewalk is flooded with light. I can see all of the street. Many of the lights in the houses are on. There are families on this road, other students, people I know and say hi to and chat with and party with. Sakura and Sai are just ten minutes away. I can make it to them, no problem. _I can._ I take a deep breath and start walking.

It's not _too_ bad, I guess. I say hi to a couple of the cats wandering the street, though there aren't as many in the winter and they always scamper when they see me anyway. I forgot to bring my music with me; I find having the steady stream of sound anchors me to this world. Without it I'm acutely aware of the silence of my surroundings. The cold seems to bite harder, almost impossibly so, piercing me to the core. Driveways and little paths between houses become ominous, able to hide any manner of nasty monster that wants to peel me apart. I cross the first of two intersections, heart going twice as fast as it ought to. That's one third of the way down, and two to go.

A deep, bone-shaking roar rumbles through my mind.

Shit. He's here.

I pick up my pace and watch the house numbers pass by. A hundred to go. 95. 90. He never says anything to me, of course. I've never heard him speak. I don't know if he can. Usually it's snarls, growls, and hisses, or roaring when the darkness gets too invasive. Sometimes I hear a barking vocalization that's eerily akin to a laugh. But I know he can think and feel and manipulate – he has the intelligence of a human at least, if not more. I'm walking so quickly now I might trip over my own feet. 55. 50. That's the second intersection, the convenience store that's always open. It's bright inside. I can see the cashier from here, serving a customer. She's a friend of mine. But I don't stop to go say hi – I don't want her to see me like this. I'll probably scare the customers away. Anyway, I'm nearly home.

Someone brushes past me and I nearly leap out of my skin. I was staring so intently at the house numbers I didn't notice them walking towards me down the sidewalk. I turn, but I can't really make anything out besides a figure hooded against the cold, briskly walking away. I don't have time to wonder. I take the last stretch at a run, searching in my pockets for my key. I pull it out and fumble with it at the front door. We always lock the door when we come and go, just in case, but now it's the final obstacle between me and safety. "Come on," I mutter under my breath. My hands are shaking too much; I can't fit the key in the lock. There's a shadow looming behind me, even though when I turn around there's no one there. Finally I get the door open and tumble inside, slamming it behind me. I wince as it shakes the whole house, then lock it.

"Don't slam the door," Sakura hollers from some other room, like one of us always does if someone forgets.

"Sorry," I call back, but my voice breaks halfway and I choke back a sob. No. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to break down. I'm home now, and everything is fine. I breathe deeply, taking off my shoes, hanging up my coat and scarf, tucking my key into my jacket pocket. I stop the deep breaths because they aren't really helping. They just make me aware of how much my body is trembling.

"Naruto?" says Sakura's voice behind me, much more quietly. "Are you okay?"

I turn to face her and her eyes widen in shock. How pathetic I must look, how haunted my eyes must be for her to react like that. She immediately pulls me into a hug, and I dissolve in her arms, holding her tightly, shaking.

"Oh, Naruto, you walked back alone, didn't you?" she asks, horrified. "You should've asked one of us to come with you! It was already getting dark when you left, and I completely forgot – I'm so sorry—"

"N-no," I stammer. "It's not your fault, it's mine. I just…" I take another deep breath, trying to still the tremors. "Um, can we sit?"

"Yeah." She disentangles herself, but slides her hand into mine, leading me into my room. This is good – I feel more comfortable in my room, my own safe haven and sanctuary. I climb onto my bed and curl up, hugging my knees, fighting the darkness. She puts an arm around my shoulder and whispers soothing words.

I hear footsteps and my head snaps up, but it's just Sai, a blue pencil tucked behind his ear. "Naruto? What happened?"

"It got dark before he came home," Sakura explains. I shiver and curl up a little tighter.

"Oh, no." Sai sits on my other side and gently strokes my hair. "You could have called one of us. We'd have come to walk with you from the bus stop."

I shake my head. "No, that would've just been more work for you."

"It's not about it being work for us," he says calmly.

Sakura frowns. "Look, Naruto… I know you're trying to overcome this yourself, and that's really admirable. But coming home shaking in terror isn't overcoming it. It's okay to need help, and you know we'll always be there for you."

"I know," I say. "I know, but…" But what? Why did I walk home alone when there were perfectly viable options? I could have taken someone with me from the start, so that there would be three of us walking to the bus stop and two coming back. I can't blame them for not remembering to come with me when I left; that's my responsibility, not theirs. Anyway, I wanted to spend a little more time with Sasuke, just the two of us. When he offered to walk me home, I declined because that would be redundant for him, and anyway I kind of felt really dumb having to be walked home by the person I was supposed to be walking to the bus stop. It never occurred to me to call the others, though I've done it before, just waited in one of the shops until they came around to walk with me. Most of the reasons I had to walk home alone are due to my own forgetfulness or arrogance. I have no excuses and only myself to blame for what I had to go through just now.

"Come on, Sakura, not tonight," says Sai gently.

She sighs. "Sorry. Do you want something to drink? Hot chocolate?"

I nod. "Yeah. That'd be good," I say.

Sakura goes off to set it up, and Sai moves closer, coaxing me to lean against him. He says, "She's just looking out for you."

"I know." I'm used to criticisms from Sakura and Sai; we aren't afraid to tell each other what we think when we can help each other improve. We all know we mean no offence, and to be honest it's really liberating being able to tell someone where they fall short without fearing their reaction. All of Sakura's advice holds true, but I'm not really in the mood for it right now.

"You had a good day, though, right?" he asks. "You seem to have found a good friend in Sasuke."

"I think so too." I'm surprised by the complete lack of malice or bitterness in Sai's voice. He and Sasuke didn't really get along; somehow I got the feeling Sai didn't like Sasuke being around me. But now it's as if that never existed. I'm too tired to figure it out right now. "You know what? Never mind the hot chocolate," I say. "I'm exhausted. I think I need to sleep."

"You don't want to eat anything first?"

"I… I dunno. I am kinda hungry…"

He rubs my back. "We'll make something simple, then we'll go to sleep, alright?"

"Yeah. That sounds good." I turn and put my arms around him, and he responds at once, holding me and rubbing my back. Having someone in my arms, someone I trust and love, makes me feel infinitely better.

We go into the kitchen in a little bit, and Sakura offers me a huge, steaming mug of hot chocolate with little marshmallows floating at the top. I sit at the table, all wrapped up in a blanket, and sip my drink slowly as I watch my housemates bustle around the kitchen making pasta with cheese sauce. A comfort food of ours. They talk as they work, to each other, to me, making little jokes and distracting me from my state of terror. I could not ask for better people to live with.

My phone starts ringing, and I check the screen this time. My stomach does a little flip at the name _Little Duckling_ there in big letters, and I pick up. "Hey."

"Hey, Fishcakes. You sound tired," he observes quietly. "Make it home safely?"

"Yeah. Well, no. Sort of." I glance at my housemates, then get up and retreat to my room, ignoring their surprised questions. I close my door behind me before saying, "Got a bit shaken up at the end, so I had to take a minute to calm down."

"Okay. Are you alright now?" Sasuke's voice is soft, soothing. It's the only thing making it possible for me to stand in here alone right now without feeling terror seize my heart.

"That's – um."

"I see." He hesitates, then says, "I… I know you're probably sick of me asking by now, but… I just want to make sure you're going to be alright. I feel like I should have done more to help, since it was my fault, whatever you say otherwise—"

"I thought we weren't gonna argue about this," I say wearily, and he stops at once. I sigh. "You know I forgive you."

"That doesn't change the fact that the effects are still there."

"No, but what does? You've done a lot for me already. Thank you."

"If it… you know, if it happens when you're on or near campus, call me. I'll come get you wherever, whenever. Even four in the morning on a roof. If you need anything, just say the word," he insists, and I can tell he means it.

"That's a lot to offer, Sasuke," I say, though I'm smiling.

"I know what I'm offering." He's silent a moment. "Well, it's effective as of now. It's up to you whether or not you take me up on it, but it's there, okay?"

"Yeah. Okay." I'm glad. Already the campus area is marked off in my mind as a safe zone, along with this house and a few friends' places. Everything else is bathed in a warning red.

"Good." I can hear a smile in his voice too. "Do you want to talk longer, or should I hang up?"

"No, don't – I mean… I'd like to… talk longer, if you're not busy."

"Sure. What do you want to talk about? Do you have class tomorrow?"

"Yeah, but it's just a lecture. Nothing big. Then it's the weekend." I consider this. "Oh, we're supposed to go to the Foxtrot on Saturday, aren't we? You still up for it?"

"If you are."

"I should be. I mean, I have a couple of days to recover, and I'll be with people the whole time we're out. Anyway, I really wanna go. And I want you to come with." For some reason, I get the feeling that Sasuke is more likely to go with stuff I say because I'm in an emotionally sensitive state right now. I don't want to take unfair advantage of it or anything, but it makes me feel more comfortable about asking for things straight-up instead of beating around the bush.

"Of course I'll come with," he says, predictably. "I haven't gone out since… at least a month before the holidays, actually. I had a bunch of deadlines in the final week, so I got busy."

"You didn't go out after your last one?"

"I didn't bother. Like I said before, it's not really my thing. Suigetsu and Karin get even rowdier when drunk. Juugo's an angry drunk – I mean, Hulk style angry – so he doesn't drink much. I don't really have the right crowd, I suppose."

"So I take it you're not inviting them on Saturday?" I ask. It might've been nice to hang out with Sasuke's friends a little more, maybe ask them about him.

But Sasuke makes a scoffing noise. "No, definitely not. I don't go out with those guys anymore. Way too obnoxious. Usually I just stay in with Juugo, unless they drag him out to be their designated driver. I don't have my license, so…"

"Mm, being the DD kinda sucks. I miss my car…" I sigh. "It's nothing fancy, just a hand-me-down when my parents got a better one. But it's orange and it works, and that's all that matters. I left it back home 'cause I can't afford gas."

"You should take me for a drive sometime," Sasuke says. "You live out in the country, right? It must be nice."

"Quiet, that's for sure," I agree, "but boring as fuck sometimes. But yeah, maybe if I go home for a weekend you can come over. Meet the parents and such?" I chuckle.

"Oh?" Sasuke sounds somewhat amused, but there's also a note of what might be apprehension in there. "What are your parents like?"

"Um… actually, they can be a bit intimidating. Not in a scary way, though! More like… overwhelming. They're both super energetic and optimistic. You'd think they'd be more laid-back, being country folk and all, but nooo. They're tons of fun, though. If you like me, you'll definitely like my mom and dad."

"Then I'm sure I'll love them."

Sasuke's words make me smile uncontrollably. There's no denying what he's implying there. Somehow he manages to make me forget all about everything bad that's going on right now. All that's on my mind is the future, the possibility of seeing him again, this plan to show him where I grew up and to have him meet my family. Whatever else Sasuke is, he's good for me. I can tell without a shadow of a doubt, and that's what makes me want him more than for his looks or his wit or his charm. More than anything, I want Sasuke because he makes me happy, because I can tell I make him happy. And that's all I need.

* * *

Sketch to the person who can guess where the chapter title comes from! I can't give any hints other than it's a song. If you can name the band as well as the complete title of the song, I'll draw you a quick SasuNaru sketch. Guess away!

R+F


	14. Comfort

**Chapter Fourteen: **Comfort

**Words: **4062

And now, after pretty much four solid chapters of SasuNaru fluff, I bring you NaruBlue. Pacing? What's that?

Incidentally, two people figured out the song from the previous chapter, but the first one was anonymous and therefore I couldn't contact them to tell them they'd won. So congrats to Capricorn989, who guessed that the song is "Say (All I Need)" by OneRepublic. I thought it might be a bit of a difficult one since the chapter title itself is a really common word. The "All I Need" part is the last three words of the previous chapter. I guess it doesn't really have much to do with the chapter itself either… haha sorry, I'm a bit evil I guess. I'll try to finish the sketch to post a link in the next update.

* * *

I catch a flash of movement and glance to the right. I nearly jump as I realize it's Blue, sitting in the seat next to mine in the lecture theatre, pulling his laptop out of his bag.

"W-when'd you get here?" I blurt out.

"Just now," he says casually, looking me in the eye. I swallow – those icy, white-blue eyes have never failed to turn me on, but today the look in them isn't seductive. There's something softer about them, and it's almost unsettling in its unfamiliarity coupled with the sympathy behind that. "You don't mind, do you?"

"Uh—" I'm not sure what to say.

"I can move, if you want."

"Well, that's… no, don't bother." Wait. Did he just confuse me into letting him stay? I don't even know. I sigh and give it up. He can do what he wants. I'm too exhausted to put up a fight.

Blue leans in to look at me more closely. "You look tired. Is everything okay?"

"Huh? Oh. Yeah, I'm… going through some stuff." Why'd I say that? I should've just ignored him. The last thing I want is to get into a conversation with Blue. I'm not even in the mood to fuck him anytime soon. This whole trigger ordeal has sapped the libido right out of me.

"Well, if you need a shoulder to lean on, I'll be there," he says, giving me a smile. "It doesn't have to be me you go to, but don't keep it bottled up. Okay?"

I look at him a moment, then nod. "Yeah. Sakura and Sai are there for me, so it's not all bad."

"Good, good." He seems… happy. He seems genuinely content, and it's as if sex has nothing to do with it at all, which is the most baffling part. "Doing anything tonight?"

Okay, so that's a little more expected. I guess I wouldn't say no to a bit of sex; hell, it might help me take my mind off all the terror. "I wanted to see that new movie about ninjas or whatever, since it's the last day it's in theatres, but everyone else has already seen it or doesn't wanna go. So I guess I can come over or something if you want."

"Oh, I wanted to see that too! Is it really the last day?"

I nod. "I know a guy who works at the cinema part-time. He said so."

"Hm. Well, it would suck to miss that. I heard it's really good, but I never got around to watching it." He seems to consider. "Don't suppose I could tag along, could I?"

"I can't really force you not to." Dammit. I should've just said no. Nothing's ever stopped me from being blunt about things to Blue.

"No, but if you didn't want me around I wouldn't go," he says. "Or I could sit somewhere else, or watch it at another time or place. But I want to watch it with you, if that's okay."

Okay, so that's seriously uncharacteristic of him. I stare, but the look on his face is a simple plea, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. And I find myself unable to say no.

"…Fine," I mumble, just as the lecturer walks in.

"Awesome." Blue beams at me and fires up the internet. "I'll check when it's showing."

—

And so, four hours later, I'm sitting next to Blue in the theatre with popcorn for dinner. I'm a bit on edge due to being in a dark theatre when it's dark outside, but I know there's nothing triggering in the movie. I guess that's another downside of the panic attacks: I can't watch a movie until one of my friends has seen it and can tell me whether it's safe. And even then it's not foolproof. Not even I know the exact parameters of what will set me off until I see the thing for myself.

Surprisingly, Blue is a reasonably quiet moviegoer. I'd have expected him to talk incessantly, but he actually only makes the occasional comment. I make a couple of comments myself, more out of habit than in order to communicate anything to him, but he's actually an alright conversationalist around them. The movie's good, so I'm glad that having Blue as a theatre companion didn't end up being a terrible choice.

Because there is no way I'm going to risk being alone in the dark again, and because I don't want to bother Sai or Sakura with picking me up this late at night when I have other options, I go back with Blue to his place for the night. He seems less impatient, less talkative than usual, more inclined to just appreciate the silence, though he sits close to me on the bus and his thumb gently rubs the back of my hand on the ride home. I can't stare out the window because of the haunting images the darkness offers me, so I keep my eyes on things inside the bus instead, avoiding looking at Blue. When he keeps a hold of my hand during the walk from the bus stop to his apartment, I don't protest, because it gives me an anchor to this world. It's nothing nearly as secure as Sasuke's anchor – his presence alone dispels the fear, and direct contact with him makes me feel completely safe – but it's better than not having it, so I hold on right up until he lets us into his flat.

"Do you want a cup of tea or something?" he asks, as I drop my bag at the door and kick off my boots. "You're shaking. Are you cold? I'll put the heating on."

"We'll be warm soon enough," I say. I toss my coat over the back of his couch and step up to kiss him. This is comfort too, in a way – a physical comfort that's different from the type Sasuke and my roommates can give me. Only with Blue can I do whatever I want, without having to hold back, without having to feel guilty, without having to deny my desires. I pull him closer and his arms go around my shoulders automatically, but when we break the kiss he just looks into my eyes for a while, smiling. I raise an eyebrow. "What?"

"Nothing. It's nice to have you like this." He pecks me on the cheek. "Come on."

Once again Blue is reverent during sex. I'm starting to notice a pattern. I fuck him against the wall and he gives all the right cues, and when we're all done and tuckered out he snuggles into me in bed.

"Naruto? How are you feeling?" he asks quietly.

"Tired," I mumble. "God, I never have any energy after sex."

"I noticed," he says with a small laugh. Huh. His laugh is actually alright when it's not obnoxiously loud. Actually, I guess that's a bit unfair of me. In class sometimes we practice our stage laughs, and he can rock a pretty good one. He pulls his arm more securely around me. "It's okay. Just sleep."

"Mm…" I want to say something more, but I don't know what and anyway sleep is tugging at my mind. The last thing I'm conscious of is Blue cradling my head against his chest, holding me closely.

—

The nightmares come back that night too. For the second night in a row I thrash and cry out in bed as the demon chases me and pins me down and proceeds to tear me into strips with its claws. I can feel every slice, every puncture, every piece of me that he eats with his giant snout and razor-sharp fangs. He's just getting to my insides when I awake with a shuddering gasp, bolting upright.

This isn't my room. It's all blue, the sunlight coming from a different direction than I'm used to. The sheets feel different, smell different. All the furniture is wrong. I look to my side and see Blue, watching me, worry in his eyes.

"Naruto," he says, sounding relieved. "I've been trying to wake you for ten minutes now. Are you okay? Were you having a nightmare? You looked like you were in a lot of pain."

"I—" I realize I'm covered in cold sweat, panting. I have to take a moment to separate the dream from reality. I'm fine. I'm all in one piece and it's light out and the pain wasn't real. But I can still feel echoes of it in my mind, in my body. My skin aches in lines; my innards churn. I don't feel so good. I leap out of bed and sprint to Blue's bathroom and throw up in the sink, my head throbbing. I cough, vomit again, and then gag because there's nothing left in my stomach. But still I heave, my body racked with uncontrollable spasms. It takes me a minute or two to stop. When I think I have control again, I grab a cup and wash my mouth out, cleaning out the sink with more water.

Fuck, I forgot about the vomiting.

"Naruto?" Blue looks into the bathroom. "Are you sick?"

"Um – no. Do you have mouthwash? And maybe bleach for the sink? Sorry," I add.

"Don't worry about it. Mouthwash is behind the mirror," he says, and goes off to find bleach.

I rinse my mouth out, then look at myself in the mirror. There are dark circles under my eyes despite a full night's sleep, and my skin is shiny with sweat. I look around, find a fresh washcloth, and dampen it to wipe my face and neck.

Blue comes back with a bottle of bleach, but when I reach for it he holds it behind his back. He puts the back of his free hand against my forehead.

"It's not a fever," he says, frowning. "You should see a doctor."

"It's fine," I say, though I'm too exhausted to push him away. In fact, I find myself leaning against his touch. I put a hand against the wall to steady myself. "This has happened before. I know what it is. I'll be okay."

"You've had this before? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it's none of your business."

"Well sorry if I'm worried about you," he snaps. I draw back a little, surprised by the anger in his voice. He seems to realize that he's shouting and sighs. "Sorry. If you can handle it, I won't bother you. But see a doctor if it gets worse, okay?"

"Yeah." I won't, of course. I'll go home to mom and dad, or ask Jiraiya or something. I guess technically Tsunade's a doctor, so I could talk to her. "I think I need a shower."

"Sure." Blue runs a hand through my hair, then kisses my cheek. "Do you want me to join, or are you taking it alone?"

My first instinct is to go alone. I usually do when I'm here. But somehow… "Join me?" I say.

He breaks into a brilliant smile. "Sure thing."

After the shower, Blue serves me an easy breakfast of oatmeal with brown sugar. He bustles about checking that everything's right; he makes sure the oatmeal isn't too hot and makes me a mug of tea, leaving the milk and sugar on the table for me to add as I please. I have to convince him I'll be okay going home on my own, and he makes me promise to text him when I get there.

"Don't forget," he says sternly, as I jam on my shoes.

"I won't." Why does he care? When have I ever given him reason to? I've been nothing but cold to him outside of sex.

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Would you stop babying me?" I grab my coat, expecting a hand on my shoulder or a heated retort. When nothing happens, I turn. His gaze is fixed on the floor.

"Sorry," he mutters.

I frown. "What's wrong with you? You're not usually like this."

He says something under his breath that sounds a bit like "surprised you noticed," but I can't really make it out for sure.

I sigh, grab the front of his shirt, and pull him into a rough kiss, relieved when I feel his hands take my waist like I expected them to. When we part, I growl, "If you keep doing that I'm gonna have to come back in and fuck the depression out of you."

He laughs, a smile appearing on his face that quickly turns seductive. "You say it like it's a bad thing."

"Hm." I let him go, but he stays close, close enough for me to feel his body heat, to hear the rhythm of his breathing. I watch his eyes carefully. They're beautiful, really; they're one of the main reasons I wanted to sleep with him in the first place. Something about the look he's giving me makes my heart ache, and I pull away, cueing him to give me some distance. "Katsumi?"

"Yeah?" He seems surprised at the sound of his own name. I guess that's fair enough – I rarely address him unless we're fucking, in which case he prefers his nickname.

"I just… Well, thanks," I say. It's the first time we've experienced anything like this together, and while I don't think even a stranger would object to helping out someone who's throwing up, Blue's care went beyond what you'd expect of a half-decent human being. And, let's be honest, that's about as much as I do expect from him. We're not lovers or even friends. Sure, I know a couple of things about him thanks to spending some time with him, but on the whole we leave each other alone. "Thanks for everything this morning. You didn't have to."

"I didn't help because I thought I had to," he smiles.

"I know." I smile too. "Seriously, though. You're acting weird. At this rate I won't be able to hate-fuck you anymore."

"I'll rile you up if that's what gets you off."

"You know everything that gets me off." Except maybe one thing… or, more specifically, one person. I pull on my coat and shoulder my bag. "Okay. I'm leaving before I have to walk home with a hard-on."

"If you got a hard-on I'd just help you get take care of it."

I actually consider this. "I'd really better get going, though."

"Oh, fine. Don't forget to text me," he says cheerily as I open the door.

"Yeah, yeah. Later, Katsumi." I don't bother to close the door behind me, but I don't hear it click shut until I've turned the corner to the elevator.

—

"Morning," I call into the house.

Sakura pokes her head out of the kitchen. "Hey, Naruto. How are you feeli—" She stops mid-sentence, staring at me. "Oh, no. What happened?"

"Huh?" I blink, then realize what she's talking about. Since my conversation at Blue's door I've felt significantly better than I did this morning, but I doubt the bags under my eyes have vanished so quickly. I shrug, removing my coat and boots. Sakura and Sai know the routine. Most times I get triggered, one or two nights will result in extreme nausea. I drop my bag by the kitchen door and head for the living room, flopping into a chair at the table. "Oh, nothing new. I threw up and such."

"Rough," she says, wincing in sympathy. "You okay?"

I nod. "It's better in the daylight. I can walk home without wanting to bolt."

"Good. Want something to eat?"

"Nah, Blue fed me."

"Oh, is that so?" She sounds surprised. "That's nice of him. He doesn't know about your attacks, does he?"

"Nope. He just assumed I was sick or something." That reminds me, he told me to text him. I guess I'd better do that. He did seem really worried, so I send him an update just to get it off my mind. "It'll be over soon, though. The demon didn't get to my organs this time."

"You're recovering faster than usual," Sakura notes, filling the kettle. "Hot chocolate?"

"Oh. Sure." I fold my arms on the counter and rest my chin on them, watching her. "Does Sai have class right now?"

"…It's Saturday, Naruto."

"What?" I actually have to pull out my phone to check. Of course it's Saturday, idiot. "Oh. So where is he?"

She shrugs. "I heard the front door close earlier this morning but then I fell back asleep. Maybe he went to the library to study."

"Oh yeah, he's got that essay coming up."

"Yeah, and so have you," she reminds me. Oh boy.

"I know, I know," I groan, trying to head her off before she starts rambling about how I should be more diligent. "I went to a lecture just yesterday."

"Ask for an extension if you need it."

"Huh?"

"It's not hard to get an extension. You know that. All you have to do is ask them. Anyway, Jiraiya can vouch for you if they don't believe you weren't well."

"I guess." Jiraiya knows all about my attacks, having been a personal mentor to me before I came here where he teaches. I'm surprised by Sakura's suggestion though – she doesn't really believe in extensions unless the person's come down with the plague or has broken their drawing arm or something. Does she really think a trigger attack is extension-worthy? Especially if I seem to be healing twice as quickly as normal?

"Don't think I'm just going easy on you," she adds with a wink and a smile. "Well, maybe a little. Few people can claim to having a demon inside them. I don't imagine it's easy. Drink up."

She hands me a mug and I take a sip. It's at just the right temperature, and the marshmallows make it extra creamy on top of it being made half with milk. It's a great comfort, no matter how bright it is outside.

"Plenty of people can claim to having panic attacks, though," I muse. "They're no less legitimate just because they're mundane."

"Sure." She shrugs. I can tell she doesn't want to get too into the debate. "I don't know. Are we still going out tonight?"

I nod at once. "I'm not missing Japanese music night for a stupid panic attack."

"Hey," she begins, but I interrupt her.

"Don't say it. I know what you're thinking." I stare her down until she looks away. Part of me feels triumphant at having won one of our staring contests – it's a thing we used to do a lot last year – but another part kind of regrets it. I poke her foot with my own. "Sakura… I know you're looking out for me, but I can handle it. Trust me. Sometimes I need you to lean on, and sometimes I need to find my own feet. I'll always tell you when it's the first, okay?"

She meets my eye again, neither of us challenging this time, and she smiles. "Yeah. Don't hold back, Naruto."

"Dude, you're talking to Uzumaki Naruto. I don't know the meaning of the phrase."

"To everyone else's misfortune," she laughs. "Should we set up the place for when everyone comes around?"

"Good idea." It's not too messy or anything in the house, since we cleaned up just last weekend, but the tables are a bit cluttered and some stuff is out in the kitchen. So we put on some music and get working, and Sai comes back in time to make us lunch. We have a good, busy day, chatting and laughing as we work and generally enjoying each other's company.

We all pile on the couch sometime in the afternoon for a break, turning on the TV for something to do. Sai sits sideways on the couch, leaning against the arm; Sakura sits on the other side with her legs crossed on the cushion, and I sprawl between them, my head in Sakura's lap and my feet on either side of Sai. He raises an eyebrow at me but says nothing, and I shrug, too busy enjoying Sakura's fingers combing through my hair.

"So who's coming tonight?" Sai asks.

"Well…" I don't want to say Sasuke's name first because then it'll be too obvious I'm thinking of him. "Kiba, Shikamaru, Takeshi and Takeshi, Sasuke, Gaara, Ino… I dunno if the others will be here for pre-drinks, but we'll see them at the Foxtrot. Neji, Lee, Tenten, Shino, Chouji, … am I missing anyone?"

"Temari and Kankurou said they'd show," Sakura says. "Neji said he'll see if he can convince Hinata to come. I know it's not really her kind of thing, but she mentioned she'd like to try it out sometime."

"Geez, we're not gonna be able to keep track of everyone. Well, we don't have to stick together or anything. It'll just be nice to run into them now and again at the club."

Sai asks, "When is Sasuke showing up?"

"Huh?"

"I figured you'd have made plans ahead of time," he says simply.

I think, then shake my head. "He never said. Actually, I didn't tell him anything either," I realize. "The others know to show up around eight, right?"

Sakura sighs. "You know 'show up at eight' means 'show up at nine' for most of them, right?"

"Oh, I know. But if we told them nine, they'd be here at ten. I guess I'd better go give Sasuke a call." I heave myself off the couch and out of my housemates' laps, then head for my room, where I've left my phone. I shut the door, grab my phone off the bedside table, and toss myself onto my bed before calling. In a couple of dial tones, Sasuke picks up. "Hey, Fishcakes. I was just thinking of calling you."

Despite myself, I smile. "That's always nice to hear. What for?"

"Just to hear your nails-on-a-chalkboard voice, of course. Didn't you know I'm a masochist?"

"Kinky. Did you know I'm a sadist?"

"A match made in heaven," Sasuke says.

"It would seem so." I laugh. "I lied. I'm not actually a sadist. I don't mind getting a little rough, but I wouldn't want to actually hurt anyone."

"Hm." Sasuke seems to be considering something. I'm a little apprehensive about what might be going through his mind, so I change the subject and cut to the chase.

"So pre-drinks start at eight tonight," I say. "Do you remember how to get here?"

"Of course. I was paying attention last time, you know, in case I ever needed to stalk you."

"Right. I should have guessed. Alright, well, eight's the official time but feel free to turn up whenever. People probably won't actually start turning up until at least half an hour after that. You know how it is."

"Mm. Would you have any objections to me turning up early?"

"What do _you _think?"

"I think you either can't stand me or can't get enough of me."

"Door number two, please."

"In that case," he says with an audible smirk, "I'll get going right now. I'll grab a bottle of something on the way. What do you drink?"

"Honestly? Anything. But I have a weakness for rum," I say, lowering my voice mock-conspiratorially. "If you wanna get on my good side, rum's the way to go. If you wanna get me piss drunk, vodka."

"Hmm. Tough choice. Well, I am already on your good side, obviously…" he muses.

"So you are. Just as well. I think I still have a bit of rum left, but I'm fresh out of vodka."

"Vodka it is then. I'll see you in an hour or so."

"Sure thing. See you soon, Little Duckling."

"Later, Fishcakes."

He hangs up. I toss my phone on the bed and just lie there, feeling happy. Giddy, almost. It hasn't been that long since I last saw him, but already I'm eager for him to be back. Geez, what am I, a smitten teenager? I haven't felt like this in years. I roll onto my stomach and bury my face in my pillow, taking a deep breath and wishing it smelled like Sasuke. It just smells like me. I doze off to simple, happy dreams of lying in bed with Sasuke, without a care in the world, just the two of us together.

* * *

I may or may not be able to update next week. I should have internet, but I'll be busy because I'm going to Japan! *flails* And then China to visit my family. And then it's school. Argh, I'm so busy! And I have so much to do too!

Thanks for reading!

R+F


	15. Whisper, Whisper

**Chapter Fifteen: **Whisper, Whisper

**Words: **4966

I don't have time to give this chapter a last read-over before posting, so forgive any mistakes I or my beta have missed. I'm having an awesome time in Japan, though! For those of you who don't follow my tumblr, I got to see Road to Ninja in theatres two nights ago. IT WAS AWESOME. I didn't understand 80% of the dialogue but it was still great. I won't say more here because I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but you can send me a PM here or an ask on tumblr with any questions if you want to!

* * *

"Naruto. Wake up. Hey, shh, it's okay. Wake up, Naruto."

My eyes fly open and I gasp, my body all tension and fear. Something grabs my hand and I flinch, but then I realize I recognize this presence, this smell – Sasuke. Sasuke's leaning over me, looking concerned. My fingers immediately tighten around his hand and I roll over, curling around his body. His free hand combs my hair.

"You slept alone," he observes quietly, after a moment.

"I didn't mean to fall asleep," I murmur. "And it's broad daylight."

"But you had more nightmares anyway?"

I shudder, recalling it. It had started out so well. Just me and Sasuke, enjoying each other's company. Then the demon ripped itself out of my body and proceeded to tear Sasuke to bits while I watched, helpless, dead on the ground yet still conscious, still able to feel the pain, every inch of Sasuke's torture as well as my own. I grip his hand hard enough to feel something pop, but he just squeezes back, strong and steady. I turn my face and bury it in his knee.

"I thought it was getting better," Sasuke says.

"Me too." I think about it, then reluctantly come out of hiding to look at him. "It is, I guess. It doesn't affect my waking life so much anymore. It usually takes a week or two to reach that stage, so all in all I'm doing much better."

He smiles. "That's good."

"Yeah." I close my eyes for a moment as he tucks stray hairs behind my ear. Then a ghost image of Sasuke in pieces flashes behind my eyelids and I open them again, staring at Sasuke to make sure it's fake, to reassure myself he's not hurt.

"Hey, it's okay," he says soothingly. "I'm here. You're awake now."

I nod. "It was… different this time. The dream. I dream that the demon attacked – someone close to me. It killed me, then turned to them." I don't know why, but I can't bring myself to tell Sasuke he was the one in the dream. But it seems it's not safe for me to think of the people I love before I fall asleep. If I do, the demon will know who to target, and that's a hundred times worse than being hurt myself.

"It was just a dream," Sasuke reassures me.

I sit up, rubbing my eyes. Sasuke is watching me, calm, but ready to help if need be. This more than anything is what enables me to get up unscathed. I stand and stretch, then turn to him with a smile. "I'm good now. Thanks for showing up when you did."

"I would have come sooner if I'd known you were having a nightmare," he says, also standing. He looks me up and down, then smiles.

"What?" I say, nonplussed.

"You've got creases on your face from the pillow," he says. He reaches out and traces a line with his fingers; I can feel where my skin is indented, as well as when his fingers pass the scars across my cheek. My head turns, against my own will, into his touch. I can see the effect this has by the way his eyes soften, the way the corners of his mouth pull up.

I hear the doorknob turn and jump back in surprise, tripping over the edge of my bed. I fling my arms out to try to grab whatever I can; my fingers close around a slender wrist and then I'm flat on my back on the bed, a body weighing me down, and Sakura and Sai are staring in disbelief.

"Uh, Naruto?" says Sakura apprehensively.

"Off, bastard." I shove Sasuke sideways and sit up. "Would you believe me if I said I tripped?"

"Unfortunately, that sounds like the kind of thing that might happen to you." She shakes her head. "Never mind. Is everything okay?"

"What? Of course it is." I'm confused. Why would she ask?

"When Sasuke came in, he asked where you were," Sai explains. "You hadn't come out of your room since calling him, so we assumed it was that. As soon as he got to your door he said something was wrong."

I'm silent a moment, taking this in. I imagine it in my mind – Sakura opening the door for Sasuke, surprised to see him there because they didn't know he would be here so soon. Sasuke asking for me; Sakura and Sai fetching recent memories to find the answer. Sasuke approaching my door, frowning, perhaps hearing me thrashing as I tried so desperately to get my body moving in the dream, as I tried to reach Sasuke, reach the demon so I could stop him, distract him, anything. I imagine Sasuke opening the door, seeing me, immediately knowing what was going on. He sat by my bed and spoke to me, and I awoke at once to the sound of his voice, calling me out of the prison of sleep.

I look at Sasuke, who's sat up by now, then back at my housemates. People I trust, people I love. I can't help thinking this, though it has almost nothing to do with the situation. It takes me a minute to remember the thread of the conversation.

"I fell asleep and had another nightmare," I explain, "but I'm okay."

Sakura sighs. "You can't even nap anymore, can you?" she asks sympathetically. "Do you even get any rest?"

"Surprisingly, yes," I reply. "I feel pretty awake now."

"Good for tonight," Sai comments.

"Yep!" I jump out of bed, then hold a hand out to Sasuke. "Come on, we never get to play Smash Bros in four-player mode."

I distract myself with a bit of good old cartoon fighting. We play until we're starving, then order pizza for dinner. Pizza's usually a bit of a pain in this house since there are three of us, but now since we're four we can each have our own half, and that's a decent amount for each of us. I always find it amusing how Sai orders vegetarian while Sakura's is all meat. We do like to trade pieces with each other though. I'll eat pretty much anything – I'm always the "trash can" of any group I'm with – so I switch it up regularly.

"What are you getting?" I ask Sasuke, as we look over the menu. "We usually do three toppings each."

"Hm." He glances over the topping list. "Chicken sounds good. And onions."

"I approve. And the third?" I make like I'm still deciding, looking over every choice on the menu. In truth I'm just waiting for Sasuke to make his decision so I can say it just so magically happens that I wanted the exact same combination. Just as long as he doesn't pick—

"Tomatoes," he decides.

"Eugh." I make a face. "Count me out. I'm getting Hawaiian and extra cheese."

Sasuke's face-pulling is nowhere near as elaborate as mine, but he still looks disgusted. "Pineapple on pizza? What is wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with _you_, liking tomatoes? That stuff is nasty."

"Pineapple is far too sweet to belong on something like pizza," he argues.

"But that's what's so good about it! It balances out the ham perfectly."

"It doesn't go with the ham at all."

"Well _you _don't have to eat it! I'm not gonna take this bullshit from someone who eats _tomatoes_."

I hear a snort to my side and glance over. Both Sakura and Sai are laughing, Sakura holding her sides and tearing up. "What?" I say, my voice accusing.

Sakura takes a deep breath, tries to stop laughing. "It's just – so _inane_," she giggles. "You two…!"

"Admittedly, Naruto, your arguments are rather weaker than Sasuke's," Sai adds, somewhat apologetic. "Ultimately they both boil down to personal preference, though."

"Wha—stop siding with him!"

"Sorry." Sai's still smiling, though. It's nice to see him smile genuinely. It happens a lot more often now than it used to when I first met him, but he still has a tendency to fake it. I can't really hold it against him if he's happy.

In the end, we refuse to even let our two halves be on the same pizza in case of contamination. Sakura and Sai are way too amused by it all, but we let them make jokes at our expense. Seems Sasuke's actually not that bad at swallowing his pride for a bit of humour. That's always good; no one likes a stuck-up loser who can't laugh at himself sometimes.

We finish our food and get right back to playing games. We're halfway through a lengthy Mario Kart tournament and Sakura and Sai are competing for the last point of their round when Sasuke nudges me with his elbow. "I think your phone's going off," he says.

"Huh?" I listen closely. Sure enough, I can hear the faint sound of my ringtone coming from my room. "Wow. Are you a bat or something? Be right back."

I remember to check the caller ID this time in case it's Blue. He's not invited tonight and I have every intention of ignoring him if he tries to contact me. Where is everyone, anyway? It's nearly nine. I expected at least the name twins to be vaguely on time.

To my surprise, the caller is Kiba. I pick up. "What's up? Akamaru ate your homework?"

"He's done that before," Kiba says tetchily. "Gaara called everyone and said that the club's closed tonight. Apparently something happened around the area. Most of downtown's blocked off."

"What, really? Hang on a sec, I gotta see this."

"Naruto, it's your turn," Sakura calls from the living room.

"One sec," I call back, then go over to my laptop to check the news online. Sure enough, pictures of caution tape and police lights greet me, along with ambiguous yet dramatic headlines. I skim the articles, but no one seems to know quite what's going on. "Wow. That blows. Okay, so what do we do?"

"Dunno. Go somewhere else?"

I make a face. "None of the clubs outside of the town centre are any good. I guess we could do a house party or something. Not here though; the student house across from us already got a warning from the cops."

"I'll ask around," Kiba says, but he sounds doubtful. "I'll keep you posted via Skype."

"Sure thing. Peace." I end the call, then fire up Skype. Well, this kinda puts a damper on things. I was really looking forward to going out tonight. Worse comes to worst, though, I guess we could always just have a nice night in with a few drinks, some music, maybe a little dancing on our own. Sasuke could sleep over. That'd be nice. Not that I'll admit it out loud to anyone, but I miss having him in my bed.

Someone knocks lightly on the door. "What's up, Fishcakes?"

"Downtown's blocked off." I turn my eyes back to the screen as Sasuke comes over and leans against the back of my chair. "Looks like we've got a bit of a change in plans."

He rests his chin on the top of my head and reads the article I've got up. "Looks suspicious," he says. "No word on what actually happened?"

"None. I think they're trying to catch whoever did… whatever they did, which is why they're blocking off the area. Apparently he's dangerous. But if you ask me I don't think he's going to stick around."

"No, but I agree it's best not to go downtown for a bit." He falls silent for a moment, thoughtful. "What should we do instead?"

"Kiba's asking around to see if anyone's down to host an impromptu house party. If not… I guess we just chill." I shake my head to get Sasuke off of me, but then I just sit back, resting my head against his chest. "Not that I mind. D'you wanna sleep over?"

"Is that even allowed to be a question?" Sasuke smiles. "I'd take any opportunity to sleep with you."

"Ha. I know." I let my eyes linger on the Skype screen for a little longer, but Kiba hasn't said anything in a while and he's gone idle. "Well, I'll check again after a round of Smash Bros. Come on."

I report the situation to Sakura and Sai, then we start up our game again. The rules of the tournament are complex and manifold, and we spend a while figuring out who's playing which character and how many points everyone has, and it's not until two hours later that I realize I completely forgot about Kiba.

It turns out he's been trying to call me while I was gone. I wonder why Sasuke didn't hear my phone this time, though. I check Skype, where Kiba's gone offline but has left messages saying that Temari's place is free for the party. The texts and voicemails on my phone, which appear to have been left after the Skype messages, tell me and the others to get our asses over there 'cause we can't stay past midnight. By my clock it's nearly eleven already, and it'll take us at least half an hour to get there. Not worth it. I sigh, text Kiba back with apologies, and head back to the living room, phone in hand.

"What's the deal?" asks Sasuke as I slump onto the couch between him and Sai.

I explain the situation, nestling into the old couch, feeling comfortable here. Sasuke's arm is draped across the back behind me, and Sai's knee presses against mine since the couch is only meant for three, and Sakura's sitting on Sai's other side. But I like being close to the people I love.

"Yeah, there isn't really any point in going," Sakura agrees. "Well, no matter. We can just have a night in, and go clubbing next week or something. Let's break out the drinks."

"What do you say we put some music on?" Sai suggests, and gets up to find his speakers. Sai's taste in music is the most diverse out of the three of us, so we usually have it playing from his laptop.

With both him and Sakura off doing things, I reach down to turn off the Wii, then heave myself back up and put my feet up on the couch. This, of course, puts my head in Sasuke's lap. Sasuke doesn't mind, though. His hand is immediately at my hair, combing through it as though he's been conditioned to do that if he ever finds a head of hair within arm's reach.

"Well, there's nothing wrong with this alternative," Sasuke says, his thumb tracing the line where my hair meets my forehead.

I close my eyes. "No, there certainly isn't. I was looking forward to the clubbing, though."

"I guess we'll just have to postpone it. It is a shame, though. I would have liked to see you on the dance floor."

"He's pretty damn good," Sakura comments, coming over with a tray full of bottles and glasses, which she sets down on the table. "It helps that they get taught it in acting."

"What? This kind of talent is _natural_," I say. "Especially the improvised stuff. Not that the classes don't improve upon it, of course."

"Of course," Sasuke repeats, amused. "What are we drinking, Sakura?"

"Whatever we want. This is just the stuff we've got lying around, really. And your vodka." She grabs a glass. "I think I'll make myself a pornstar."

"Whoa, Sakura, I wish you'd tell me when you have drastic plans like that!" I exclaim. When she looks confused, I go on, "You, a pornstar?"

I get a serious punch in the gut for that. "Oh fuck _off_, Naruto! That was a terrible joke. And I have no desire to become a pornstar, thank you very much."

"I was kidding, obviously! But you had it coming."

"Who names a cocktail a 'pornstar' in the first place?" she fumes, pouring Sprite, blue Curacao, and grenadine into a glass.

I shrug. "The same guy who named 'sex on the beach,' 'quick fuck,' and 'slippery nipple,' probably. And maybe 'cocktail' too, when you think about it."

"You looked those up, didn't you?" Sasuke says.

"No way. I'm a cocktail connoisseur."

"Oh, I'm sure you know all about both cock and tail," says Sai, setting up his music on the dinner table.

"Uh, who in this room doesn't?" I retort. "Actually… wow. Everybody here is into guys. That's kind of amazing."

"Considering three out of four are men, actually, yeah," says Sakura. She sighs and takes a sip of her drink. "What is it with me and attracting gay men?"

"I'm not gay," I protest.

"Whatever, I dated you. You've been friendzoned." She looks around critically. "Well, I wouldn't want to live with someone I could potentially date anyway. It'd be pretty awkward."

I don't say anything, though I'm thinking of Sai and I can feel his eyes on me. Then I feel Sasuke's fingers, still discreetly going through my hair. "I guess it would," I agree casually.

Sai snorts, and Sasuke tugs at my hair rather pointedly. I ignore them both.

Eventually I get off of Sasuke's lap to pour us drinks, because I feel like he wants one but hasn't said anything because he doesn't want me to move. Frankly I didn't want to move either, but I also don't want to sit around sober while Sakura and Sai drink their fruity cocktails and steal furtive glances over at me and Sasuke getting all cuddly on the couch. I make us each a vodka version of a tequila sunrise, and we tap our glasses together and drink. We all sit around and chat and drink long into the night, choosing an easy alcohol buzz over getting smashed the way we usually would if we were going out. And, let's face it, sometimes it's better this way. Being tipsy certainly makes for fewer (or maybe just less dire) mistakes, and there's no point being roaring drunk when you're just gonna sit around. But casual drinking at home with good company is always nice. It eases up the tension, makes us all friendlier.

"Anyone want another drink?" Sai asks, opening the vodka to pour himself some.

"Pour me a vodka and coke," Sasuke says, lifting his glass and giving it a little shake. It must be his third now and he's barely tipsy. Despite being both Asian and skinny as fuck, he seems to hold his alcohol pretty well. I've had about as much as he has, and I'm starting to feel kinda buzzed.

"I'm afraid we're fresh out of vodka." Sai up-ends the bottle over his glass. It's probably enough for two drinks, if weak. "Care to substitute for another alcohol?"

"I brought that vodka," Sasuke scowls; I can almost hear a _specifically for Naruto _in the pointed silence he emits afterwards. "You know, if I didn't know you're already aware that it's a myth, I would have suspected you of encouraging me to mix alcohol and get me more drunk."

"You're off your game, Sasuke," Sai replies easily. "Getting you more drunk would only hinder my… hypothetical objectives, as it were."

"You're awfully verbose. Fine, _I'll _pour _myself _a rum and coke, then."

I frown, looking from Sasuke to Sai. It's like they've spoken of this before, like there's an inside joke I don't know about, and it confuses me because I swear I've never heard them talk to each other unless they had to. "Objectives? What the fuck are you going on about, Sai?"

"It's nothing," Sasuke says at once. This only heightens my confusion. Sai could have said the very same thing and I wouldn't have suspected anything at all, but for Sasuke to be covering for him… "Naruto, don't think too hard, you might hurt yourself. Want some rum?"

"Hey," I say, but I guess it's true that I'm finding it harder to figure all this out since I'm getting kinda drunk. I accept his offer anyway, because more alcohol never hurt anyone okay that's a blatant lie never mind. Sasuke pours me a generous amount of alcohol before filling with coke. Sakura's engaged in a text conversation with someone and seems to be ignoring the three of us completely. Sai's fallen silent, though his eyes are fixed on the rather small space between me and Sasuke.

I feel like I've just walked in on something between these two, and I'm not so sure I like it. Now that I think about it, throughout the whole evening it's been as though Sasuke and Sai have come to some sort of understanding regarding whatever tension there is between them. Although they haven't stopped making jabs at each other at every opportunity, they seem much more comfortable doing it now, as though they expect it from each other and that's their own little weird way of being friends. Well, if it works for them, I guess I have no need to be wary. Actually, I'm almost a bit jealous of how easily they banter. I guess I banter okay with Sasuke, though, and I wouldn't give up what we have for what he has with Sai. Maybe I'm just, I dunno, possessive or something. The idea of Sasuke and Sai understanding each other implicitly makes me feel kinda weird inside.

All of a sudden my bladder's sending alarm signals to my brain. "Bathroom," I declare, and stand up – oh, shit, too fast – head rushes are multiplied tenfold when you're drunk, didn't you know that already Naruto, you definitely did. I manage to catch myself against the wall and have to stand still for a minute to make the room stop spinning.

"You okay there?" Sai asks from the floor, sound partly amused and partly unimpressed.

"Stood up too fast," I mumble. I think things are mostly back to normal now. "Okay, take two." I trail my fingers along the wall and make it out safely. They say that if you're drinking and you need to go, you're supposed to hold it in as long as you can because as soon as you go the first time, you're gonna be making trips to the bathroom every two minutes. Personally I think all that "don't break the seal" stuff is bullshit. If you gotta pee, you gotta fuckin' pee. None of this holding it in, getting all uncomfortable, potentially giving yourself a bladder infection stuff. A guy died 'cause he was too polite to excuse himself from this big fancy dinner to take a leak, did you know? Yeah, I don't wanna follow his example. What's the merit in waiting? Fuck, I wish I could explain this better, but now that I'm standing the alcohol's really starting to settle in. This is why club drinking is so much more predictable.

I finish up and head back into the living room just as Sai's music starts a song I know from class. I start dancing, doing the choreography we're practicing and improvising on the parts I haven't memorized yet. I don't care that the others are watching – I'm drunk, I'm at home, and I'm used to prancing around like a moron in front of Sakura and Sai. For Sasuke it's a new thing, but in his case I'm kinda tempted to show off.

"_Testing, testing, I'm just suggesting,_" I sing, then point to Sai, then myself. "_You and I might not be the best thing._" I wink and turn around, wiggling my hips as the song continues. I can hear Sakura laughing, but it doesn't matter; I'm tossing my hair (insofar as it can be tossed when it's this short), singing along with the song, feeling the rhythm and the beat in every move of my body. There's something about dancing that captures passion like nothing else. It's just so total and all-encompassing, and it makes me feel alive.

I take Sakura by the hand and tug her up to join me, and soon she's dancing too, not to the choreography obviously because she hasn't learned it, but fuck I love watching Sakura dance. She's all curves and twirls and lines of movement, and when we dance together I remember how good she is in bed.

"_We've been stuck now, so long, we just got the start wrong,_" I sing, then twirl and dip her. She's all smiles and tender eyes and I just want to kiss her so badly, I want to scoop her into my arms and lay against her in bed and it's such an effort to lift her back up and let her go. To distract myself, I turn around, do a couple more dance moves on my own, then turn to Sasuke for the next verse, grabbing his hand and hauling him up too. "_I do need ya, need ya, don't mean to tease ya._"

Sasuke smiles, cocky and confident, and replies, "_If you want me, I'll come back and meet ya._" He matches my moves with almost every step; everywhere I go, he's there, following, or waiting, or right by me. "_Whisper, whisper, you must admit you want it—_"he leans in, right up to my ear, and breathes, "_—you want it._"

I shiver, but despite my alcohol-loosened inhibitions I still know I can't do this for too long; the lyrics are suspiciously telling as it is and we're in company. I bump a hip against Sasuke's before dancing away from him. Sakura, who's got Sai on his feet too, trades partners with me.

Sai is quite a good dancer in his own right, more restrained than me, less light-hearted than Sakura, but he still has a good sense of his body and its aesthetic. His voice is a little plain, a bit too quiet to be a really good singing voice, but I can still hear the intent behind the words as he sings, "_Well I just wish we could go back one more time and begin it._"

He advances, backing me up with each syllable. I feel my back hit the wall and quickly duck out, going into a solo and fuck what everyone else is doing. I find myself flitting from one person to the next throughout the chorus, from a playful companionship with Sakura to Sai's dangerous desire to the easy tandem Sasuke and I share. I start belting out the bridge ("_Don't you need it, don't you want this at all?_") and we're just about to get to the good part, where the singer's all ad-libbing and going wild and the passion is everywhere, when there's a loud, invasive banging at the door.

We all stop immediately, and my attention is called to the fact that without our singing, the music is actually not that loud at all. I quickly scurry to turn it off anyway, while Sakura answers the door. I hear a familiar voice telling us somewhat angrily, albeit wearily, to please be quiet because it's past sound curfew and we really should be more considerate. Sakura apologizes profusely, bids our neighbour goodnight, and shuts and locks the door.

"Party's over," she says gingerly, the corner of her mouth tugging in the facial equivalent of a disappointed shrug.

"Oh well, it was fun while it lasted," I say with a smile. I feel pretty sober now, though. Getting your party crashed can kinda do that to you. "Maybe we should get to bed. Come on, let's clean up the table."

Sai goes on washing duty while the rest of us clear up. Sakura puts away the bottles and Sasuke tosses the trash and puts the empty bottle in the recycling bin. I bring the last cups to the sink and nudge Sai gently with my elbow. "Here you go."

"Thanks, Naruto." He starts washing them. "I take it you already have sleeping arrangements, like last time?"

"Uh – yeah. Pretty much." I glance over to where Sasuke and Sakura are talking quietly. All things considered, I probably shouldn't sleep next to Sakura tonight, not after that sudden lust attack. And… I hate to say it, but I'm feeling kind of wary about Sai right now. The way he's been looking at me, the way he's been acting around Sasuke. It worries me, because I don't want to be at war with Sai, especially when we haven't even done anything to disagree with each other. I press my arm against his, trying to convey that I'm still on good terms with him, though for what reason I don't know because I don't think he thinks considers us to be on bad terms. "You don't mind, do you? There's always tomorrow. We sleep together six days out of seven normally."

He nods. "I know. It's alright. Just…" He seems to be wanting for words. He shakes his head, turns off the tap, dries his hands. "Well, I'll see you in the morning, Naruto."

"…Yeah. Night, Sai." I watch him go.

"Is everything okay?" asks Sasuke, touching my shoulder. I realize we're the only ones here now; Sakura's already gone. "You seem wary."

"I'm fine. It's all good." I meet his eye, hoping to convince him. "I still have your toothbrush from last time. Maybe I should just keep it in case of impromptu sleepovers like this, huh?"

He smiles. "Probably a good idea. I can see this kind of thing becoming pretty common. Let's go, Fishcakes," he says, but without any hint of teasing or malice in his voice. Just friendship, just… affection. Whatever else this relationship is, I know there's affection between us, and it's with that knowledge in mind that I snuggle into him in bed ten minutes later, almost instantly dropping off into a dreamless, demonless sleep.

* * *

You can totally tell I was supposed to write the club scene here. Alas, it was not meant to be, for there is more to be said before they get down! I had a load of fun writing the dance scene here though, so I don't mind.

I just had to use this song in this chapter. Half the songs on the album fit L.U.S.T., which is cool because it's my favourite album and artist of all time and I've been listening to it for over half a year now and I just figured this out a little while ago. I first considered this song to be solely SasuNaru in terms of fitting the lyrics to things in L.U.S.T., but then Naruto was like nope this is a foursome now. And… I have to listen to him.

Anyway, if you can guess the song and artist, you get a SasuNaru sketch from me of anything you want. No hints yet. Also I prefer not to draw porn. But we can talk about it once you've won. I'll draw another pairing/solo if you really want; just ask and I'll let you know if I can do it… some things I'll refuse, but better to ask and find out!

R+F

P.S. I hate to announce that **L.U.S.T. is going on a brief hiatus. **I'm sorry, I really am! It's not that I want to. But I have so much less time to write these days and I don't want to run out of buffer. It'll only be a couple of weeks, I promise.


	16. Conversational

**Chapter Sixteen: **Conversational

**Words: **3348

Fuck it. Yesterday was my birthday. I do what I want.

Have a chapter. Hiatus starts now.

* * *

In the morning when we wake up, the first thing Sasuke says, mumbled into the back of my neck, is, "So I could really get used to this."

I smile, take a deep breath, feel Sasuke's arm around my torso as my lungs inflate and then deflate. "So could I."

"Hmm." Sasuke's tone turns wistful, but it's nothing but happy when he continues, "Good morning, Naruto."

"Good morning, Sasuke." I shift a bit closer, then freeze as I feel something foreign against my lower back. "And… good morning, little Sasuke?"

Sasuke snorts. I shimmy around and roll over, kicking the covers to the foot of the bed and immediately regretting it 'cause fuck it's cold today. But, sure enough, Sasuke's lying on his side, a completely unconcerned expression on his face and a rather prominent and telling bulge threatening to lift the waistband of his briefs. I force myself to look back up at his face and raise an eyebrow, but he's smirking already. If I look really closely I think he might be blushing just a little bit, but maybe it's just the light and maybe I'm just imagining it. Hard to say.

"So, what was that last time about 'no boners here' or something?" I ask, rolling onto my stomach and sliding my hands under the pillow.

"Well, for starters, it was last time. I made no claims about never having morning wood." He's so casual about it, as if I've already seen his cock before or we've known each other for years or something.

"Fine, whatever. You gonna take care of that?"

"Dunno. Wanna help me?" he smirks.

"The literal answer is that yes, I'd like to, but…"

"I know, I know." He closes his eyes. "I'll just let it settle down on its own. I'm comfortable here. Or at least I was until _someone _kicked off the covers."

"Mmh…" I reluctantly sit up, then grab the duvet and haul it back over us before lying down on my side, facing Sasuke this time. "Better?"

"Not yet." He shuffles closer to me, sliding a hand under my arm and wrapping it around me. His face finds its way into my neck once more, and his knees knock against mine, but that's okay because our toes are tangling and the heat of our bodies is quickly warming us back up and just having his body by mine makes everything alright. "Better now. How did I ever manage to sleep alone all winter?"

"Who knows? Whenever I do I always wake up freezing." Luckily for me, I usually have someone to share warmth with these days, whether it's Blue or one of my housemates, or Takeshi and Shiroi when we're having a sleepover. God those two are snuggly in bed. I am perfectly okay with adding Sasuke to that list. "So yeah, about that happy in your pocket. You just glad to see me or what?"

He chuckles; I can feel the vibrations against my pulse and have to suppress a shiver across the back of my shoulders. "You know just as well as I do that arousal has nothing to do with morning wood. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't _happy_ to see you," he says, emphasizing his use of the word I chose to describe his boner.

"You're lucky you added that thought, because I was about to kick you out of bed… right after I got warm enough again." I laugh. "You really know how to ruin a joke, Duckbutt. But you also know how to flatter, so I'll let you off."

"How generous of you. I feel so lucky to be blessed with your forgiveness. I am unworthy."

"Shut up." I smack him on the head. "You're making me reconsider."

"Oh no. Wouldn't want that."

"Sasuke!"

He just laughs. "Go back to sleep, Naruto."

"But we're talking."

"We'll talk later." His hand lies flat on my back, rubbing small circles against my skin. "Sleep."

"Hmm…" I close my eyes. Part of me wants to rebel because I know he's doing it specifically to mollify me, but it's hard not to just melt into his touch. I try to remember Blue, try to remember that I'm committed and I shouldn't be doing this with someone I'm into and Sasuke's _hard right now_, but… I'm just so comfortable here, so happy. My mind keeps reminding me that I do this with Sai and Sakura all the time, and us two guys wake up with morning wood on a regular basis. We're all used to it. I've seen other friends and other friends have seen me. Sasuke's part of the family now, part of my circle, so it's no different, right? He's a friend.

Although… putting it that way, this situation comes rather close to the dreaded territory called the friendzone. The last thing I want is to relegate Sasuke to a relationship where dating or sleeping with him are unthinkable, because they certainly aren't, but it seems that's what I'm doing. Shit. Well… we know we want to fuck each other, so that helps, doesn't it? It's not a matter of us not wanting to, but rather the fact that we – I – have restrictions. I'm just starting to worry that Sasuke will give up and call the whole thing pointless.

I ask, "Sasuke, I haven't friendzoned you, have I?"

Silence answers me. I pull back a little to see Sasuke fast asleep, his breathing slow and gentle, his expression serene. An ache swells up inside me – a good ache, a feeling like my heart's so full it's going to burst. I want this. I want this without any restrictions, without having to hold back. I want this to be real. Realer than it is now. I want all the implications of this setup to be the explicit truth.

I want Sasuke.

—

"I have an assignment to do," Sasuke says, as we lie under the covers sometime in the afternoon, still in nothing but our underwear, after getting up and eating whatever was in the fridge for breakfast. I'm lying on my back battling Pokémon; Sasuke's on his stomach playing games on his phone. Today's a do-nothing day. Or at least it was until Sasuke mentioned this.

"Is that so?" I say, somewhat disappointed. "Does that mean you have to get going?"

"No, it's not due for a month. But I need a volunteer," he goes on, pointedly.

I raise my hand up in the air above me. "Oh, oh, pick me! I'll be the volunteer. Just say the word and I'm on it."

He smirks. "Well, the assignment is to do a painting. A full-body portrait of someone who isn't a professional model. Someone we know."

I pause in my enthusiasm to absorb this. I can tell exactly what he's implying. "You want to paint me?"

"Why wouldn't someone want to paint you?" He puts his phone down, rests his head on his crossed arms. "You're good-looking, you're muscular, you have a great skin tone. I can imagine the lighting now." There's a strange spark in his eyes. His muse is at work, and something tells me he's not looking at me anymore, but at an imagined version of me, with this lighting he mentioned.

"I'm not gonna say no," I tell him with a smile. "If that's what you want, I can't deny it. But I'll have you know I have zero idea how to be a portrait model."

"You just lie down while I do a painting. No big deal. You don't even have to worry about keeping still. It's part of the challenge of the assignment. It might take a few sessions to complete, though; I'm supposed to put a good few hours into this thing."

"I'll manage. We already spend days back to back together," I say with a grin. This fact makes me happy. "Just one question."

"You can be nude if you want."

"I haven't even asked yet!"

"It's what you were going to ask, wasn't it?" he says, smug.

"…Well yeah, but…"

He rolls his eyes, though he's still smiling. "It's up to you."

"It's your painting. Do you get extra marks either way?"

"No. I do enjoy drawing and painting fabric, but…" He trails off, though it's obvious he has no qualms about saying what he's thinking.

"But you wanna see me naked," I fill for him.

"And this is the least suspicious way to do it. So how about it?"

"Posing nude for my favourite guy? Can do. When do we start?"

"You seem awfully eager to strip for me," he comments with a smile.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Oh, I don't know, if maybe you couldn't handle your boner around me?"

"Hey. I handle my boner perfectly fine, if you know what I mean." I waggle my eyebrows suggestively.

He laughs. "Okay, so I worded that wrong."

"You did a bit. As for what you actually meant, have you ever seen me with a boner? No. So there."

"Curses, you're immune to my superpower," he jokes. "Before you I am but an average human being."

"Your superpower is giving people stiffies? I wouldn't say I'm _immune_…" I look away innocently. "You'd just have to try harder."

"Is that so?" He lifts himself up onto his elbows, looking down at me. I look back up at him, watching the look in his eyes. It almost feels like he's rising to the challenge, gauging the difficulty and seeing if it's worth it. I hold his gaze, willing him to say what he's thinking – because I know it, I know what he's considering and what he wants, and I want to give it to him so badly but… I just can't.

Finally he breaks eye contact, the light in his eyes fading into something softer, maybe regretful. I sigh.

"Don't look so hurt," I tell him quietly.

"Then don't…" he doesn't finish his sentence. Somehow I think I know the words he was going to say. _Then don't hurt me._

"Hey." I reach up and gently touch his cheek, coaxing him to face me. I smile. "You're still a superhero in my eyes."

He chuckles at this, but it has the effect I wanted. "You're such a sap."

"Hopeless romantic extraordinaire," I declare. "You started the analogy anyway. You know, you'd make a decent actor with a bit of training."

"A bit of training? I'm hurt, Naruto."

"Pfft. I'm serious, though. I was thinking about it before."

"Before? When's that?"

"Oh…" I think back. "I think it was that night I slept over at yours."

"That early?"

I nod. "You'd have stage presence. There's… an intensity about you. People notice you. You used to getting stared at?"

"Hmm. I used to notice it a lot, but that was years ago. It doesn't happen anymore."

I roll my eyes and punch him lightly on the arm. "You're an idiot. It does, it definitely does. Maybe you've just tuned it out."

"You've noticed?" he says, surprised.

"…Yeah. I've noticed." I guess I didn't think about it, but the only reason I know people stare at Sasuke is because of the rising sensation of hostility I get when it happens. I don't want people to stare at Sasuke. I don't know why, but I know it's a selfish feeling and I should push it away. And yet…

"I'm not the only one who gets stared at, though," Sasuke argues. "I've seen plenty of eyes pointed in your direction."

"Oh, I know that," I say dismissively.

"You do?" His tone of voice makes me look at him, searching his face. He sounded… unimpressed. Like he's judging my character for some reason.

"Well, yeah," I say slowly. "Maybe you've gotten used to ignoring stares of admiration, but trust me, it's not the same when the looks come with the desire to kill – or to run away. You don't forget what it feels like when people are scared of you."

"Scared?" His expression turns to disbelief. "What's there to be scared of? You're a normal person just like everyone else."

I actually snort at this. I guess I shouldn't. Sasuke doesn't know. "Yeah, right. Keep telling yourself that. It's…" I glance away. "It's easier that way."

"Naruto?"

I shake my head, avoiding his gaze.

"Naruto, what are you talking about?" He leans closer. "Look at me, dammit. What do you mean?"

"Forget it." I shut my game and roll over onto my side, away from Sasuke. But he grabs my shoulder and jerks me back, and I'm startled into looking right into his eyes.

"No. I won't forget it." He stares at me so intently that I find myself trapped, unable to look away. More softly he goes on, "Please tell me what you're talking about. I want to know."

I sigh. "I really don't want to talk about it." Suddenly I feel so weary. I don't want to fight with Sasuke, but I don't want to tell him this either. I just don't want to get into this topic. It's not that I don't want him to know, but letting him know means working my way through all the thoughts, all the emotions, to explain to him what it means to be hated like I am. "Drop it, okay?"

"Why? You don't trust me?" he asks.

For some reason this really sets me off. "Of course I trust you," I retort at once, sitting up. "Don't try to goad me into telling you. I don't need that kind of emotional manipulation."

He starts, getting up as well, alarm in his eyes. "That – I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" He falls silent, shoulders forward, eyes averted. He looks so guilty that I can't help but forgive him. I can't stay mad at Sasuke.

"I know you didn't," I say quietly. "You wouldn't do that."

He frowns and doesn't reply to this. "I'm sorry for pushing you like that. Tell me when you're ready."

"Yeah." I shuffle closer to him. "I will tell you, I promise. It's just… it's kind of a heavy topic, and I'm enjoying what we have now. Though I guess I'm the one who went and ruined that."

"I didn't realize people were… scared of you." He seems to be making an effort not to ask for details, and I'm grateful for that. "When I said people stared at you, I meant in the same way they stare at me. You're not unattractive, you know."

"I know," I say, my tone narcissistic. I snigger. "Well, I've heard it before. But I doubt people actually stare."

"No, they definitely do," Sasuke insists. "I saw a girl walk into a pole once."

I wince. "Really? Ugh, you should've told me so I could go apologize to her."

"She probably would have fainted just to hear you talk." He rolls his eyes.

"Don't go exaggerating things." I mean, who actually does that? Excitable teenagers when faced with their celebrity crush, maybe. Or Hinata. But she's an exception.

"I'm not. She's on my course. She won't shut up about you, ever since I mentioned I know you."

"You talk about me in class?" I'm kind of intrigued by this, though I don't really know why. I guess it would interest anyone to know what people are saying about them.

"Don't get so excited," he says with a smirk. "She was talking to a friend about how she really wanted to ask you out but you were already fucking Blue, and he'd flay her alive or something if he found out."

"Pfft, no he wouldn't. He'd just go sleep with someone himself and then accuse me of going against my own morals or something. Anyway, I wouldn't go on a date with her, since that _would _be going against my morals."

"She seemed pretty convinced that he'd be angry," Sasuke argues.

"Angry might not be the right word. He might be a bit annoyed that I went and decided to be non-exclusive after restricting him like that, but he'd basically see it as an excuse to fuck everyone else he's wanted to fuck. He's doing this because of my morals, not his."

"That's very considerate of him." Sasuke sounds thoughtful.

"It's the only way I'd let him keep sleeping with me. Don't read too much into it."

"I dunno. Maybe you shouldn't take everything at face value." He wraps an arm around my shoulders and lies back down, taking me with him, and doesn't bother to retract his arm after. "The point," he says emphatically, "is that the girl was saying how elusive you seemed, how no one she talked to actually knew you personally but everyone knew about you. So I mentioned off-hand that you're a friend of mine."

"Bet that made you popular with the ladies, huh," I say, nudging him with my elbow. He doesn't even twitch away from the contact. In fact, he rolls onto his side to face me, closing the distance between us.

"If by 'popular' you mean they won't leave me alone, certainly. But you should know already that being popular with the ladies is my last intention."

"I know, I know. Mr. Kinsey Six." I have to smile, though. He returns the look fondly, and I can tell that, like me, he's remembering that time we met two weeks ago, when we went for coffee and had a chat and hit it off like fireworks. I can't believe we've only known each other two weeks. Already it feels like forever. I mean, yeah, there's a lot of things I don't know about Sasuke, but I trust him like I've known him for a year, like I've known him longer than I've known Blue. Should I? Am I putting myself at risk by baring myself to someone I haven't known half a month? I doubt it; I've given him plenty of chances to hurt me and he's taken none of them. What can he do to me, break my heart? When he's already expressed so much affection? Unlikely.

"Don't think so much," he says quietly. "You'll wrinkle young." He reaches out; I don't flinch as the soft pad of his thumb lands between my eyebrows, smoothing out my forehead.

"When I wrinkle it'll be laughter lines and crows' feet. You, on the other hand, are going to have a permanent frown."

"Not if I keep spending time with you." He's smiling again, wider this time, and I have a sudden, overwhelming urge to kiss him. I fight it down with all my willpower, which is a hard battle when his fingers have curled against my shoulder and there's a loose lock of hair falling over his eyes that I'm dying to tuck back.

I don't know what's appropriate anymore. I don't know what I can allow myself, when I can cuddle into him and when I can't. The problem is, I'm the one dictating what's allowed and what's not. I'm the one who sets the pace, but if I don't even know, then how can I communicate it to Sasuke? How am I supposed to handle it when I'm madly in love with someone I can't have?

"I thought I told you to stop thinking." Sasuke presses his palm to my forehead this time. "Just relax and enjoy the moment. It won't last forever."

"That isn't a helpful statement," I murmur, but try to follow his advice anyway. I take a deep breath and roll over to face him. He moves closer to me, curling up against my body. I guess we're having a nap now. It's okay to cuddle when we're sleeping. When one of us needs emotional support. When we're lounging around and no one can see us. These are the times I'll allow myself to melt into Sasuke, to push my nose into his hair and breathe in his scent.

My eyes are closed, but my mind is still racing. I wait until I hear his breathing become slow and steady, then I press my lips ever so lightly against his head.

* * *

Somehow this chapter ended up being 90% dialogue. I mean, that's okay and all, but I was surprised. It did help me write it a lot faster, though.

Last chapter, an anonymous reviewer asked what my buffer is for if I refuse to use it in times of slow writing. I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but my buffer is not for when I'm too busy to write new chapters. It serves as something of a safety net for me. If a story is on FFN up to chapter 20 and I'm writing chapter 21, and I realize I need to change a part of the plot, I may not be able to if it's already posted. If it's updated to chapter 20 and I'm writing chapter 25, I'll have a better chance of being able to fix things before they go live. Putting up buffer chapters while I'm not writing defeats the purpose in this case. Just thought I'd clear that up for anyone else wondering why I'm not posting buffer chapters.

R+F

P.S. Aw darn, half the reason I posted early was to alert people of a new poll on my profile regarding L.U.S.T. Damn FFN and its lack of a journal system. I guess I can only hope you see this. Please go vote! It could change some of how L.U.S.T. is written...


	17. Violet Swirls

**Chapter Seventeen: **Violet Swirls

**Words: **5066

Hiatus? What hiatus? I wrote five chapters this past week and you expect me to stop updating? What's wrong with you? ;)

Seriously though, I completely surprised myself. Almost as soon as I started the hiatus "for real," I sat down at my computer and whipped out chapters 20-23 almost without a single stumble. Of course, immediately after that, chapter 24 decided to be stubborn. I guess that's what I get for writing 16k words in five days. But then I updated my table of contents and it said I had two 25s because apparently I completely forgot I'd already finished 25 soooo hey I'm nearly 10 chapters ahead! Crazy.

For all that I complain about L.U.S.T's slow pacing, I've completely neglected to compare it to Two Face's. When I remember that in TF they got together in chapter 6 and didn't have intercourse until chapter 65 (I think their first sexual activity was somewhere around chapter 40), I… feel like LUST is maybe not so screwed-up after all. Maybe. I could be totally wrong. It's kind of apples to oranges – different circumstances, different moods – so maybe I shouldn't be comparing them in the first place.

* * *

"You look lonely."

I blink and look around. It's Blue, coming across the studio. Kiba's not here today, so I figured I'd be spending morning break alone. Looks like I was wrong. Blue sits down next to me and leans back with his hands behind him for support. His shoulder bumps against mine.

"What do you want?" I ask.

"Just to be next to you," he replies at once.

I open my mouth to retort, then realize he hasn't said what I expected him to. "…Oh."

"That's okay with you, right?"

"Sure, I guess." I'm baffled by his behaviour. Something tells me I shouldn't be, though; he's sort of been like this for a while. "You seem happy today."

He beams. "I am."

"Any reason?"

"Nope." He turns his head when someone calls his name.

"Hey, Katsumi." It's Becca. He hangs out with her a lot. She's really pretty and super sweet to everyone. "We're going out for coffee. You coming?"

He shakes his head. "I'm staying here today."

"Alright. Want me to get you anything?"

"Nah."

" 'Kay." She glances from him to me, smiles, and heads out with the rest of their friends. I see them chattering and stealing glances at me as they leave. Wonder what that's all about?

"You could've gone," I say.

"Don't feel like dealing with the cold. You hit that one note really well in the last song," he says conversationally.

"Ugh, I barely managed. I felt like my voice was gonna break the whole time." I sigh and lie back against the hard floor, unconcerned about the dust and dirt on my black shirt. "You're much better at the high notes."

He lies back next to me, hands clasped over his stomach, and smiles. "But your range is incredible. You could almost be a bass, but I'm stuck in the high tenor area, which you can still hit anyway."

"No one wants to be a bass."

"Versatility's good, though." He lets his foot fall sideways, bumping it into mine. "I was thinking of starting an a capella group."

"Go for it." I have a soft spot for a capella music. There's something about hearing that many voices in harmony, without any instruments. Done right, it sends chills down my spine.

"Well… I need members," he continues.

"Ask the music department."

"I want it to just be actors." He leans up on his elbows. "I want you to be in it."

I glance up at him. "Why?"

"Didn't I just say? I think you're a good singer. I just want to make a little group and share music together."

I consider. I've kind of always wanted to be part of an a capella group, but there's only a couple at our school – the open one does boring classical stuff and hymns, and the contemporary one isn't taking members. "Well, see who else you can round up and get me some sheet music, and we'll see."

"Sweet!" He grins and lies down again. "It's just in the idea stage for now, but I've got a couple of songs that might be cool to do. There's some stuff I picked up from high school…"

I close my eyes and listen as he names songs. I know a good few of them, and I'm surprised to hear the titles of some of the things I'm sure he knows only because of me. Stuff I'm listening to when he comes over, stuff I acknowledge knowing when it comes up at the club. He mentions one song that I never thought would make a good a capella cover.

"You have an a capella version of that?" I say, surprised.

"Well… no," he admits. "We'd need to arrange it, but I'm sure we could figure it out."

My first thought is that Takeshi could help with that. He's really good at making interesting covers. "Don't you think it'll be awkward to sing?"

"No, why?"

I prop myself up on one elbow and raise an eyebrow at him. "Because we fuck to it?" I say, keeping my voice down, although there aren't many people in the room and pretty much everyone already knows we're sleeping together. It just feels like the kind of information that doesn't need to be shared.

"Oh. Would that bother you?" He seems surprised.

"Yeah, probably. I only ever listen to it when you're over, or when I'm horny. So."

"I guess that could be a problem," he says, but he's smiling anyway.

I frown. "What's so funny?"

"I'm not laughing," he says. "I'm just… It feels nice to know you have a song you associate with me."

"I associate it with sex," I correct him. "And I associate sex with you."

He shrugs. "Close enough. You busy tonight?"

I'm about to answer no, but then I remember Sasuke yesterday telling me about his painting assignment. "Lemme get back to you on that one," I say, and fish my phone out of my pocket so I can text Sasuke. _Know the deal about your painting thingy?_ I send.

"Texting Kiba?" asks Blue.

"What? Yeah," I say at once, turning off the screen. He does not need to see that the last thing Sasuke sent me before goodbyes was about a dream he had involving quite a lot of sex.

"Why isn't he in class?"

"He's caught a cold." I do know this for a fact, since he texted me this morning. "Apparently his voice is all raspy, so no point in coming to vocal."

"No kidding. Well, I hope he gets better, but it's nice to actually talk to you sometimes," says Blue.

"Mm," I reply automatically. People have started wandering in now. The teacher shows up to start up the class again, so I stand up and stretch, ruffling up my hair.

"You have dust on your back," Blue notes. "Here, let me get it."

"It's fine," I say, but he ignores me and reaches over to brush off the dust. I let him do what he wants. At least I don't have to worry about looking like an idiot all day.

"There you go," he says, finishing off at my shoulders, his touch becoming gentle, a thumb tracing the seam of my shirt, a palm following the curve of my shoulder. "You shouldn't lie down on dusty floors while wearing black."

"I'm not the only one," I retort, looking him up and down. I've mostly been on my back, but he's practically been rolling around on the floor, and he's wearing dark blue today instead of his usual electric brights. I pinch the fabric of his shirt at his side, pull, and let it snap back, and it gives off a little cloud of dust. "Look at you. Come on, turn around."

There's a smile playing at his lips as he obeys; once he's turned around I can't tell, but I'd bet money it hasn't gone away. I get rid of as much dust as I can, though some of it still sticks. I doubt I'm much better myself. Making contact with the floor isn't an irregular occurrence during acting days anyway, but today's voice so we don't really have an excuse. I brush a bit of stuff out of his hair, and I think I hear him sigh.

"What is it?"

"Nothing." He turns back around, glances down. "You still have dust on your shirt," he says, and brushes off my chest. I follow the movement with my eyes, but there's nothing there.

"That's a lie and you know it."

"I sure do." The hand lying flat against my chest curls its fingers to grasp the front of my shirt; his other hand slips around the back of my neck as he presses his lips against mine. His taste is an automatic trigger for my hormones; I'm kissing back fiercely before I remember that class is about to start. I force myself to pull away, though I can't help licking my lips after we part and already Blue's bottom lip is starting to swell.

"Don't you go turning me on in public," I hiss.

"It was just a little kiss, Naruto. Nothing all that arousing." But his face says differently; he's smiling seductively and his eyes are bright with excitement. "Let's go for lunch later."

"Can't, I'm meeting Sai." This isn't technically true just yet, but I know he's on campus and I doubt he'll say no. Though to be honest I don't know why I'm making excuses; I'm starting to feel horny and my brain rarely thinks when my penis can take over for it.

"Oh. Okay." Blue smiles, though it's a poor mask for his disappointment. "Lemme know when you're free next?"

I nod automatically. No point passing up sex. "Sure thing."

"Awesome. I'll talk to you later, hot stuff," he says with a wink, and heads off to sit with his friends.

I watch Blue for the rest of the morning, mostly out of a lack of anything else to do. He's alert and engaged, chatting with his friends, participating in the exercises, volunteering to go up and be an example when the teacher needs one. He really is a good singer. It didn't surprise me when I first noticed; his voice is a massive turn-on for most people, so it's only natural that he'd have talent. Still, he seems especially enthusiastic now, which is saying something for him.

I have been pretty impressed by Blue so far today, though. We managed to have a whole conversation without it degrading into either sex talk or an argument. Okay, so he asked me when I'm down to fuck, but that's standard. It's not like I don't want to fuck him. He's been a lot less of a pain than usual. I wonder what changed him? Well, not like I'm complaining. Makes it easier for me to tolerate him long enough to stick my dick in him. I'm serious, sometimes he's just so annoying that I can't even be bothered to sleep with him. Back at the beginning it was so bad he could basically talk me limp, and I almost broke it off with him a few times. But he learned pretty quickly how to avoid killing my boner. And how to make it harder. Now everything goes pretty smoothly. I'm almost surprised I haven't gotten bored of the routine yet. Usually by now I'd be spicing things up, looking for a little variety. I guess Blue's just that good.

I still avoid him out of habit, though. When lunch rolls around, I grab my stuff and leave before he can catch up to me, heading for the cafeteria. Sai's not there, but a quick hunt around his usual places finds him at the coffee shop, waiting in line.

"Hey, Sai," I call as I approach.

He glances over and smiles. "Hello, Naruto. How are you?"

"I'm doing alright. I was wondering if you wanted to come grab lunch with me."

"I'd like to, but the truth is I'm otherwise occupied," he admits. His smile changes to the one he uses when social guidelines expect him to smile. "I'm scheduled to meet someone else for lunch today."

"Oh. I see." This surprises me, but I let it go. "I'll see you later then."

He nods. "Later, Naruto."

I give him a wave and head back to the cafeteria, slightly baffled. Well, there go my lunch plans. I wonder if anyone else is free. I pull out my phone to peruse my contact list and find I've missed a text from none other than the Little Duckling. Smiling to myself, I switch to the conversation to read it.

_When do you not have class this week? Studios are mostly booked up in the evenings._

_I'm free all day Wednesday and Friday afternoon. And lunchtimes, which includes now. Hint hint._

I get in the hot food line as I await the answer. Lunch with Sasuke or not, I'm too hungry not to get food right fucking now. I'm nearly at the place to order when he replies: _Wednesday then. I'd love to join you for lunch but I really need to finish this design. You could come to the studio to taunt me with your food and keep me company._

_I think I will. Where is it?_ I slip my phone into my pocket. As if I'd go to Sasuke during lunch and _not _bring him food. I get two orders of the day's pasta and some garlic bread, grab some cutlery, and check my messages for directions before heading off, Styrofoam boxes in hand.

Sasuke's studio is a building just off the main one, connected to it by a short hall. Just a glance inside fills me with jealousy: it's a spacious room with window-lined walls, colourful lamps hanging from the ceiling, computers at every desk, books weighing down shelves and tables, and the biggest, comfiest looking bean bag chairs you ever saw scattered all over the floor. There are even pillows and blankets and a table in the corner with a kettle and a microwave. You'd think this was a recreation room. Or a nap room. That would be fucking amazing.

The room's pretty empty, but still some of the people here whisper and stare as I cross the room searching for Sasuke. And I can tell it's not just because I'm not on their course – it's because it's me, Uzumaki Naruto, the demon, the guy who tamed the untameable Sex God, the guy parents warn their kids about. It's way better at university than it was when I was in high school, that's for sure; I'm in a town where most people don't know me, most of the people who do know don't seem to care, and I've made a lot of great friends here. But you don't escape a curse like this just by moving to a new town. It's not the reputation so much as the aura that follows me.

But it doesn't matter. I don't care, because I've spotted a familiar duckbutt hairdo at one of the computers and I'm making a beeline for it. I reach out as I approach and ruffle his hair, messing it up. "Hey, Little Duckling," I say.

Sasuke makes a disgruntled noise and chases my hand out of his hair before smoothing it back down. He turns around to glare at me, but he can't keep it up; he ends up smiling. Just seeing that smile on his face makes me happier. "Hey."

"I thought you might be hungry." I hold out one of the Styrofoam boxes and a fork.

"You didn't have to," he says, disbelieving. He opens the box. "That smells amazing."

"Since when have I ever done things for you just because I have to?" I kick a beanbag chair over to where he's working and plunk myself down. "Holy shit these are comfortable. I'm so jealous of you and your studio."

He nods, like it's no big deal. "We get that a lot. How much did this cost?" he asks, gesturing with his lunch.

"Free."

He isn't impressed.

"I'm not telling you," I say, taking a bite of my garlic bread. "That way you can't pay me back."

"Why do you have to be so difficult about it? I just want to even things out."

"You don't owe me anything, okay?" I insist. "Friendship isn't built on debts."

"Ours may have been, though," he points out.

"Uh, no it wasn't. You asked me over to yours for dinner after the coffee thing."

"Yeah, but if you hadn't still owed me a drink, I never would have gotten your number."

"That was a running gag and you know it."

He rolls his eyes. "Well, any part of those first couple of meetings could have made or broken the deal, so there's no point arguing about it now. The point is that I still want to pay you back."

"So buy me lunch some other day if it's that important to you." I shrug. "Just don't do it for my sake, okay? If you want to get even, do it for yourself, not me."

"Who said I was doing it for you?" he replies cheekily. "I'm kidding. Thanks, Fishcakes."

I smile. "Anytime. So what's this thing you're finishing up?"

"I'm working on a simple logo. I'm just finishing up the letters." He takes another mouthful of food, puts down his lunch, and turns back to his computer. He's tweaking a curve on something that's so zoomed in I can't even begin to identify it. I watch him as he falls silent, taking on a look of concentration as he drags the curve in just so, adjusting little handles to change its shape. I have no fucking clue what's going on, but Sasuke sure seems focused. Finally he zooms out enough for me to see it's part of a letter, though which letter I still have no idea. He scowls, zooms back in again, and continues his work.

"Is all that nitpicking just you being you, or is it part of the assignment?" I ask conversationally, as though I'm watching a movie and felt the need to comment.

He doesn't even deign to turn around and raise an eyebrow at me. In fact, he doesn't react at all for a moment. "Both, I suppose," he says finally. "Precision is an important factor in things like this, but I've been praised for mine, so it's not like I'm going to stop. You must have some notion of focusing on the finer detailing in whatever you do."

"I guess, but performance arts are different from visual arts. There's only so much you can do to nail it on the head before it's gone. Anyway, I've never been big on subtlety. I prefer the stage to the camera. Live performances, you know? You have to act big when there are people sitting at the far end of the room."

"Hmm." He sets down his tablet pen and turns to look at me critically. "I'd like to see you act sometime."

"Oh? Why's that?"

"Well for one, because I'd never pass up a chance to stare at you. But also because I think it'd be really charming to watch you do what you love." He leans his chin in his hand and smiles, and I have to fight down a blush in my cheeks. What am I, fifteen?

"Charming, huh?" I say. "Not inspiring, not even sexy, just… charming? Like, quaint?"

"I'm not a poet," Sasuke says dismissively. "You know what I mean."

"I wouldn't mind a little more… precision," I smirk.

"Captivating. Alluring. Attractive. Is that what you want to hear?"

"Getting there." I finish the last of my lunch and check the time. "I still have a few minutes."

"Hm. Give me a second." Sasuke zooms out all the way on his work, and I finally get to see what he's making: the logo is nothing but black on white, a word I'm guessing is the name of the company incorporated with a graphic of a flower, abstract enough to be subtle but definitely recognizable. Sai would say something about the use of negative space. I don't really know how to judge that kind of thing. It looks flawless to me, but Sasuke's still frowning. "I don't like it," he announces. He saves his work, shuts down the computer, and grabs his sketchbook.

"What are you doing?"

"Starting over." He flips through the book – I catch glimpses of his designs, mostly black and white but with splashes of colour here and there – and stops on one of the more recent pages, where he's scribbled out some designs similar to the one he was just working on. I assume they're his rough drafts. He studies them for a moment, scowling, then crosses out the page with a big X and flips to a new page with disdain.

"Wait, what?" I nearly got out of my seat when he drew that X, but by the time I even thought to react he'd already done it. "I thought you had to get this thing done soon."

"I set myself preliminary deadlines. I still have a couple of days before hand-in."

"How long have you been working on that one?" I ask, gesturing at the computer.

"A week or two." He doesn't seem bothered. He sketches a quick, nearly perfect circle on the page, then begins to section it off, working so fast it almost seems to be second nature for him. He pauses only briefly, if ever, to consider a certain detail. Sometimes he draws something, decides it's not right, and starts over with a new circle. He wastes next to no time in deliberating, worrying, weighing: he's constantly drawing, never stopping, and I can see at once that it lets him work much faster than it would someone who spends most of the creative process within their mind. Funny, Sasuke never seemed like a kinaesthetic kind of person to me. He's the kind of guy who would better suit the visual, the mental. I learn by doing mostly. It seems Sasuke and I are a little more alike than I'd thought.

After a good ten minutes in which Sasuke fills three pages with drafts and I'm too entranced to even look away, he finally sets his pencil down and sits back. "There's still a lot of work to be done," he says, "but I think I need to stretch my legs. Wanna go for a walk?"

"Is that really a good idea?" I ask, incredulous.

"Everyone needs a break sometimes," he says with a shrug. He stands. "Come on."

Neither of us feels like braving the cold, so we just wander around the building, checking out the displays on the walls. Well, it is an art school, after all. At least it doesn't have the hushed awkwardness of a formal gallery; we chat and comment on things as we pass. I can imagine going to an art gallery with Sasuke, though. I don't know how he feels about fine art. It's not really my thing – I can't tell if it's too pretentious or I'm just too dumb – but maybe he's into stuff like that. I'd snigger and make snarky comments about how stupid everything is, and he'd probably hit me and shoosh me and tell me I'm being immature and disrespectful. I know it doesn't exactly sound like most people's idea of fun, but all I want is to spend time with him.

I'm listening to him talk about the program he uses to make vector images, lost in his enthusiasm and interest and the sound of his voice (although I can barely understand half of what he's saying), when I round a corner and bump right into something blue.

"Naruto?"

I step back and blink to see Blue smiling like he's just been given a present. "Katsumi. Hey." Okay, so I wasn't planning on having Sasuke and Blue meet. Ever.

"I thought you were having lunch with Sai," he says, looking to Sasuke questioningly. He gives Sasuke a once-over and I'm suddenly overwhelmed with irritation. Here he is, standing right in front of me, checking someone out when he knows full well I can't stand that. And Sasuke of all people! I mean, okay, I'd be a hypocrite for calling him out on it, but he could at least not do it in front of me, right? Doesn't that count for something?

"Sai had stuff to do. What about you? I figured you'd go eat with Becca and them."

He returns his gaze to me, shaking his head. "They went to a friend's place, but I don't get along with him. So I've just been wandering."

"This whole time?"

"Yeah." He shrugs. "But I got to bump into you, so it's okay. Who's your friend?"

Dammit, I was hoping I could get away with not introducing them to each other. I glance to Sasuke, who meets my eye, his expression unreadable. I can't make heads or tails of what he's thinking. "This is Sasuke," I say. "Sasuke, Katsumi. Or Blue, if you like."

"The famed Blue God," he says, his tone cool but acknowledging he's somewhat impressed. He holds out a hand, and Blue shakes it.

"Oh, you've heard of me?" His smile is easy and good-natured. "Naruto's kinda made me famous."

I roll my eyes. "You were always famous. If anything you're the one who bumped up _my _reputation. What was it you said they were calling me?"

"It's Orange Lightning now," Sasuke reminds me.

Blue seems to like this. "It sounds like a superhero name."

"It's a bit of a mouthful," I say with a frown.

"Well, so are you." Blue smirks and winks, and Sasuke snorts. I resist the urge to punch them both. At least they seem to be getting along. "So how do you guys know each other? Sasuke, what course are you in?"

I'm a little suspicious about the casual tone of his voice – I've seen him act, after all; he can be surprisingly deceptive – but Sasuke replies easily, "We just bumped into each other at the ATM one day. I'm doing VisComm. Mostly graphic design."

Blue nods. "Cool. I guess you probably know I'm in acting with Naruto."

"Actually, I don't think I did." Sasuke looks to me for confirmation.

"I guess it just never came up," I admit. "You must have heard it from somewhere else, though. Karin maybe?"

"She never mentioned it either."

"Karin? I remember her," says Blue. "Fiery. A lot like you, actually, Naruto."

"They're second cousins," Sasuke puts in.

"That's it!" Blue snaps his fingers. "I knew there was some sort of resemblance going on there. How come you never told me?"

"I didn't know you'd slept with her," I retort. "I didn't even know she went to this school until a couple of weeks ago. I don't make a habit of trying to find out your relationship history. I'd rather not think about it at all, thanks."

He shrugs and drops the topic. "By the way, Naruto, I've got something for you."

"Huh?" This catches me completely by surprise. "What do you mean, something?"

"What do you think I mean? A present." He smiles. "I left it at home, though, so come over after class, okay?"

"Uh – okay." I frown. "What's the occasion?"

"Do I need one?"

I cross my arms. "Well, you've never done anything like this before, so there must be a reason."

"You can't believe that I was just browsing around one day and saw something that reminded me of you?"

"No, not really." I briefly entertain the notion that it's a sex-related gift, because in that case a present to me would benefit him as well. But I'm not about to say that out loud in front of Sasuke. Speaking of whom… He's become rather quiet, watching our conversation with a thoughtful look on his face, like he's analyzing something. I feel kinda bad for ignoring him, though he doesn't look bored by far. When he realizes I'm watching him, he just looks at me. He doesn't smile the way I expected him to, doesn't give me a reassuring glance or anything. This more than anything is what worries me.

"Well, no worries," says Blue, unconcerned. He checks his watch. "There's still fifteen minutes before class starts," he says, rather pointedly. He doesn't need to emphasize it, though – that's our code for a closet quickie.

I hesitate. How do I tell him I'd rather spend time with the other guy I want to fuck? But Sasuke cuts in before I can make a decision.

"I should probably get back to work," he says. I try to convey to him through my eyes that I want him to stay, but he either can't tell or is ignoring me. Probably the latter, though for what reason I can't begin to fathom. He turns and puts a hand on my shoulder, his touch lingering a little longer than it would if he was trying to make it seem like we're just friends. "I'll see you later, okay? Nice meeting you, Katsumi."

"You too. See ya." Blue's expression faltered ever so slightly at the touch, but it's back to his usual smile as soon as Sasuke turns the corner out of sight. He moves in a little closer and slides his hand into mine. "He seems nice."

"…Yeah." Dammit, why'd he have to go? I should've just chased Blue off. Why'd I even hesitate? Now Sasuke's gone and I won't be able to ask him why he was acting so weird until the next time I see him, which could be days. "Uh, actually, I just remembered something I have to do," I tell Blue. I make to run after Sasuke, but the hand around mine tightens, holding me back.

"Do you really?"

I turn around. There's something like apprehension in Blue's eyes, doubt in the crease of his brow. Guilt cuts through my chest.

"You were going to ditch me, weren't you?" says Blue.

I wince, then sigh. "I'm gonna be spending all night with you, aren't I? Can't I have these fifteen minutes to myself?"

"All night?" he repeats, eyes widening before he splits into a smile, all suspicion forgotten.

"Well, yeah. What'd you expect me to do, take the present and run? I'm not hauling my ass over to your place without getting some sex out of it."

"Yeah, but you usually fuck me and then fuck off."

…Okay, so maybe that's kinda true. And maybe I'm being a bit of an ass, using sex as repayment for whatever it is he's gotten me. It's not like the give-and-take is exactly equal here, since I benefit from the sex as well. "I'll buy you dinner, okay?" I say, for lack of any other ideas. "I don't know what you want me to do."

"I don't want you to do anything. That's not how gifts work, silly." He leans in and kisses me on the cheek, then heads off down the hall. "Okay, I'll catch you in class then. You can take me out, but we'll split the bill. You kinda suck at this dating thing, by the way."

"But we're not—" I begin, but he's gone before I can finish my sentence.

* * *

No offence meant to bass singers. I've spent many years in choirs and I've heard most of the jokes about all the parts.

I forgot to mention last week that I cancelled the sketch prize for chapter 15's guess. It somehow completely slipped my mind that, with all the lyrics I'd used in the chapter, there was no way anyone could get it wrong. So… sorry about that. I might try to draw something L.U.S.T.-related anyway for everyone who did guess it right.

I also forgot to mention in last week's update (though I added a note the next day) but I've started a new poll on my profile regarding L.U.S.T., so I'd be grateful if you could go and vote. It might change the fic a little depending on the outcome, so go for it!

R+F


	18. Necessity

**Chapter Eighteen: **Necessity

**Words: **5635

Whoops I keep forgetting to finish sketch prizes. Eep. I better get doing that before the next challenge comes up or else I'm going to wind up with a backlog!

* * *

I sulk all through afternoon classes. After Blue fucked off, I spent a little while trying to decide whether to chase him and clarify that no, we're not dating, or to do what I originally planned to and ask Sasuke why he was acting up. In the end I couldn't find either of them. Now we're practicing a song in small groups and the alto in my group is this bossy bitch who hardly lets me take a breath, let alone sneak out of the group for a couple of minutes to talk to Blue, who's in a different group. And of course there's the thing with Sasuke as well – I wanted to text him, but by the time I thought of it class had already started. So it's not until break that I can finally go do the things I need to. I'm out in the hall, staring at my phone and wondering exactly how to begin this conversation with Sasuke, when someone taps my shoulder and I nearly jump out of my skin.

"Hey, chill. It's just me."

I turn around. It's Kiba, although he both looks and sounds terrible. I quickly stuff my phone into my pocket. "What are you doing here? You look like you need to be in bed."

"I had to talk to Student Services about something," he explains. "I figured you'd be out for break, so I thought I'd come say hi. It doesn't hurt to talk, it's just a bit weird. How's voice going?"

"Voice is fine, except I've been grouped with Tria."

He winces in sympathy. "Well, just an hour and a half left. Or you could always ditch."

"Nah, I'm out for dinner with Blue after this."

"Really?" Kiba looks surprised. "That's nice of you."

"He tricked me into it."

"Oh really." Now he just sounds unimpressed. "You know, he's been a lot nicer lately."

"That's not hard, for Blue."

"Give him a chance. You won't let the guy sleep with anyone else; you could at least—"

"I'm not the one who imposed that," I snap. "He wanted to sleep with me so bad, he suggested it himself."

"And you accepted, which means you've restricted him."

"I have not."

Kiba sighs. We've had this conversation before; we can both see each other's side of the argument but neither of us is willing to concede.

"Restrictions aside," he says, "you ought to give him a chance anyway."

I cross my arms. "He's an obnoxious, abrasive dickwad. I can't stand him."

"But you'll fuck him."

"If he'll fuck me, then yeah, I'll fuck him. I could ditch him anytime."

"You know he's practically got a waiting list of people to fuck if he breaks it off with you. If you ditch him, he's got no shortage of booty waiting for him, and who have you got? Sai?"

"Contrary to popular belief, my goal in life is not to be fucking someone at all times. Why do you care so much about all this anyway?" I ask, because Kiba doesn't know about Sasuke yet. I mean, he knows _of_ him, but his only information is that we're friends. Not that I want to fuck Sasuke's brains out, and certainly not that we've shared a bed on multiple occasions now. "Since when have you ever cared about how Blue feels?"

"Since I happened to have a chat with him last night on Facebook." He shrugs. "He posted a piece by his favourite artist and I commented, and it went from there."

"Hm." I didn't actually check Facebook last night, so I don't know what Blue might have posted. Actually, come to think of it, do I even have him on Facebook?

"Do you know who his favourite artist is?" asks Kiba.

I can't truthfully say I do. I know nothing about Blue's taste in art. I didn't even know he was into it.

Kiba's adamant. "Have you ever tried asking him about himself? Why he doesn't date? How he feels about this relationship you have with him?"

"Do these things change the fact that he's an ass?"

"I don't know, maybe they do. And if you keep up that attitude you're gonna turn out to be one yourself," he shoots. "I'd better get to Student Services before they close. Watch yourself, Naruto."

I frown at the back of his head as he walks off. Is it just me, or is everyone against me today?

I hear the studio door open and then Blue's voice: "You look troubled."

"It's nothing," I reply. I meet Blue's eyes, but he isn't convinced.

"Talk to someone about it."

"Hm." It's obvious what he really means by this – _talk to me about it_ – but it seems my pool of confidants to choose from is rather limited.

"Break's almost over," Blue says. He leans in to kiss me, gently, lightly, pulling back before I can even begin to respond. "Sit next to me for choir?"

—

Blue's gift, as it turns out, is an adorable stuffed toy fox, its fur all soft and orange with white and black markings, its eyes shiny amber. I can't help melting a little at the sight of it. I have a weakness for cute animals. Animals usually hate me, though.

"You seemed to like foxes," Blue says, watching me with an utterly content look on his face, "so as soon as I saw this I knew you'd like it."

"It's fantastic. I'll name it Kitsune." I wrap my arms around it and give it a squeeze. It's the perfect size for hugging. I roll over onto my side on Blue's bed and just lie there with the fox in my arms. I can almost believe that it could protect me from the nightmares. I wasn't planning on staying the night, though – I can only spend so much time with Blue before he starts to grate on my nerves. Granted, he didn't do anything dumb tonight, besides maybe talk all through dinner. He wasn't so bad though. There isn't much chance for him to screw up when our schedule is sex, dinner, then more sex.

I glance up and meet his eyes, and suddenly I'm struck by how clear they are, as though I'd never noticed it before. Of course I have. I'm staring at them all the time. But there's something about the way he's looking at me now, something more than what's on the surface…

"Um," he says, breaking the silence in barely a whisper. "Naruto. I was thinking…"

I wait, but when he doesn't go on, I say, "Yeah?"

"Yeah. About…" He drops his gaze, staring at the fox plushie, and falls silent once more.

"Spit it out," I say. He could bore holes in Kitsune with his eyes now. I wrap my arms a little tighter around the fox. "Well?"

"Nevermind," he says, practically in one syllable.

"Katsumi…"

"It's nothing." He gets up, but only to swing an arm and a leg over me and crouch on all fours above me. I set Kitsune aside and roll onto my back to stare at Blue. He seems to be concentrating, the look in his eyes so intense I'm almost blinded. I can hear him breathing, see the way his chest expands with each breath, feel it against my skin.

"You're acting weird," I murmur, frowning. I reach out and press my hand to his bare chest. He flinches, but I can feel his heart thundering away behind his ribs, like he's excited, or nervous. Why would he be nervous? "What's with you?"

He shakes his head. His gaze wavers, like he's about to cry or something. He sits on my thighs and grasps my hand with his own, holding it tightly against his chest. His heart won't calm down; his breathing is becoming shaky. Confused and getting kind of weirded out now, I sit up. "Hey. What's wrong? Katsumi?"

"Nothing," he breathes, though he still can't meet my eyes. "It's nothing. I'm fine."

"Bullshit. You're practically hyperventilating." I put my hands on either side of his head and force him to face me, but he keeps his eyes downcast. "Katsumi. Focus. Look at me. Tell me what's wrong."

But he just shakes his head again, then pulls me into a kiss, something fierce and desperate and breathless, his arms wrapping around my neck as though his life depends on it. I'm swept away by his intensity, by a feeling he's projecting as though he needs this more than anything. And it's making my heart melt. It's chipping away at the wall I put around myself when I'm with him, pleading for me to bring down my barriers and just be me – and it scares me; it has me scrambling for cover because whatever Blue is to me, he's not a lover, not a friend, and I'm not ready to give him that.

And yet… and yet, somewhere beneath that conflict inside me is a more primal, instinctual urge to _help_. Here in front of me, in my lap, is a person who needs something, needs something I can give him, and to refuse him that would be to deny who I am. It hurts me to see him like this. I don't know why he's acting this way or what I'm supposed to do to make it better, but it's clear that he thinks I can fix this, and that more than anything is what's making his plight impossible to ignore. So I kiss him back, and I rub little circles against his skin and try to whisper soothing words as he leans back and pulls me down and begs me to fuck him hard. And I do. I do whatever he asks me to because I can see the way it mends him, the way he needs it. And with every request, every plea, I feel myself falling further into something I'm not sure I can handle, but I don't know how to do anything but keep helping him.

It's not until much later, when Blue is fast asleep curled up against me, that I finally have time to recollect my thoughts. I still can't make heads or tails of it. From what I can gather, Blue had some sort of attack, just got too caught up in his thoughts and started, I dunno, panicking or something. It wasn't any sort of panic attack I've ever experienced or heard of, but I still find myself utterly unable to ignore a person in need. I've never been able to. I'd probably make a decent superhero after all, as the Orange Lightning or whatever, only because seeing someone suffering hurts me in almost equal measure. Maybe I'm selfish, wanting to help to alleviate my own pain, but it works, right? I managed to calm Blue down a little, or at least tire him out enough to put him to sleep. His arm is slung over me, pulling me in tight, and he's nuzzled against my collarbone so that I can feel his warm, slow breaths against my skin. He looks so… vulnerable. So exhausted from the ordeal, so quiet and placid, unlike how he usually is when awake.

I guess I can't deny that I know him to some extent, after so many months with him. I doubt I know him nearly as well as I ought to know someone who I've seen naked on so many occasions, but I can read him, and I think that's worth more than knowing his favourite artist. I think back to what Kiba told me earlier today, about the things I've never thought to ask Blue, like why he doesn't date. I just assumed that, like me, Blue wasn't looking for a relationship at the time. It happens a lot. Blue's basically been a long term hook-up for me. I guess I figured one of us would get bored at some point and move on, and that would be that. But… we didn't. I didn't, anyway, and I don't think Blue did either. He doesn't seem like the kind to stick around out of some awkward inability to express his true feelings about a hook-up. So now here we are, nearly a year later, and this is the first time Blue's shown any sign of weakness around me and it's kind of scary. Especially when I don't know how to help, or even if I'm able to give that.

Blue holds me tighter, his brow furrowing as some unknown dream taunts him. I automatically slide my fingers into his hair, combing it in a repetitive motion, and gradually he seems to relax. I think I hear him murmur my name. He remains asleep, but I'm awake for hours, turning it all over in my mind.

—

"You'd better not make that face while I'm painting you."

I meet Sasuke's eyes. He's watching me in mild concern across the table in the café, maybe studying my features or something, I don't know. We have a bit of time to spare between when my bus arrived and when he's booked the studio, so Sasuke came out for coffee and got me a mocha like before, and I quote, "because you look like nothing a bit of caffeine can't fix." I'm pretty sure he was kidding about that, though. I think Sasuke can tell it's not just that I'm tired.

"I'm serious." He reaches over and presses his fist lightly against my cheek. "If you scowl the whole way through I'm going to have to title the painting The King of Grumps."

I snort at this. "That's a terrible name."

"Like I said, I'm not a poet. What's eating you?" he asks, more gently. "You've barely said a dozen words."

I sigh and lean back in my chair, nursing my drink between my hands. "I've just got a lot on my mind."

"Well, if you ever need another pair of shoulders to help carry the load…" Sasuke sips his coffee, leaving the sentence unfinished but implied. Of course he'd extend that offer to me. And, of course, it's an offer I can't accept. This is all so overwhelming and I'm starting to get the feeling I won't be able to deal with it alone – not without talking to someone about it, anyway – but Sasuke certainly isn't the right person to ask about it. And I feel like that's creating a barrier in our relationship. He wants to help, and I need it, but not from him. It feels like I'm passing up a chance to become closer with him.

Then again, I am mere minutes away from stripping in front of him.

I shake my head. "Thanks, but I'll be okay," I tell him. I think about how interesting this upcoming model stint is going to be and give him a smile. At least acting has given me that skill – when I can remember to use it. I prefer to be honest in real life when I can, anyway. "So what kind of a pose are we going for? You gonna draw me like one of your French girls?"

"I have no French girls in my possession," Sasuke replies calmly. "I don't think I even know any French girls. As for the pose, we can burn that bridge when we get to it. I don't really have any ideas yet, so I'll just get you to strike poses for me until one inspires my muse."

"Or makes you horny," I add with a smirk.

Sasuke frowns. "No, I don't think that'll do. I don't work well when I'm horny."

"Then you picked the wrong model."

"I suppose I did." He takes another swig of coffee and stands. "Shall we?"

Sasuke gets the key from the office and lets us in. The studio's just a little room in the Northlight suite, a building designed specifically to catch optimum daylight at all hours. I observe the model stand as Sasuke sets up an easel along with his tools: canvas, paint, brushes, and more. It's got a moveable platform draped with blankets, a big box full of pillows and another with more drapery and fabric, and a comfy looking backless couch pushed against a mirror on the back wall. There are also a couple of chairs and stools near the platform, obviously taken from around the room, for seated poses. An array of props sits in another corner, ladders and sticks and ropes and lengths of cloth. Sasuke told me that costumes can also be borrowed or rented from the costume and fashion departments, if that's what you're going for. If I didn't know better I might guess it was some sort of roleplay dungeon. For someone with an art fetish. That might make an interesting life drawing session.

"I wasn't planning on painting a clothed figure, you know."

I turn around. Sasuke's all set up and is watching me, a smug look on his face. I roll my eyes and retort, "Well you're the only one who has any idea of what's going on here. You're gonna have to give me directions."

"On how to undress? Or do you mean you want me to _help_?" He stands and approaches me, and I automatically take a step back. He smirks, but stops a few paces away. "Well?"

"I wouldn't be against it…" I say slowly. "You know that."

He moves closer, his voice dropping a tone or two. "I can do it if you want. Just say the word."

I stare into his eyes, gauging how much he wants it, how much _I_ want it. The answer for both is "a lot." But I can also tell that he's willing to let it go if I'm not comfortable with it. And that more than anything is what seals it for me.

"Well, why not?" I say with a shrug. I look him in the eye and smile at his surprised expression. "It can't be that bad, can it?"

"I don't know about that." Sasuke leans in, barely a foot of space between us now. I can see the creases on his soft, thin lips; I can see the texture of his irises, the colour warm like smoke. "Once I start, I can't guarantee I won't be able to stop."

"What, undressing me? You're gonna have to stop when I've run out of clothes," I joke. But I know what he meant.

"Touching. Touching you. I think… it might be hard for me to hold back." He sighs and moves away. "Best if you do it."

I nod. "Okay." I'm a little disappointed, but I have to admit he's right. If I let him undress me, there's no telling what either of us will want to do next. Well, at least I can say I managed to win this particular battle of will, though it's a bittersweet victory. Fuck, and I was almost getting used to being around Sasuke too. I could almost be in the same room with him and forget how much I want him. I guess in a way I have been friendzoning him. In that respect I'm glad we had to hold back on this, because if I could let him undress me without wanting it to result in us rolling around on the model stand making out, that would spell the end of my desire for him. So… I guess it's good to know that.

I decide to make a show of it anyway, just to tease him a little. I mean, I was contemplating letting him undress me, so a bit of a striptease can't compare, right? I peel my shirt off slowly, revealing my skin inch by inch, then toss it aside to where my bag is. This ruffles my hair the wrong way, so I run a hand through it to put it back to a different arrangement of completely wild. Then I pop the button on my jeans, pull down the fly, and tug them off my hips, letting them pool around my ankles. I kick off my shoes, then my jeans and socks join the pile.

"Hurry it up," Sasuke mock-catcalls. "This isn't anything I haven't seen before."

I glare at him, but he's smirking. "Have it your way." I turn around so that my back is to him, making sure not to stand anywhere near the mirror, and drop my boxers. Then I wait. Nothing happens for a moment, then another. I desperately want to turn around, but another part of me says wait, wait for it. I can't help the feeling that he's just staring at my ass right now. No. Stop thinking about it. If I get a boner just because Sasuke's staring, I will never live it down. I have to get through this painting completely chill. I doubt he'd actually _paint_ my boner, but come on, really now. It's already bad enough that I've agreed to pose nude for a guy I really wanna fuck. If Blue found out about this… Well, if Blue found out he'd probably say it's fair game for him to go sleep with someone else. And then I'd end things with him and sleep with Sasuke. All good, right?

Then why do I get the feeling I'd really rather not he found out?

"Well, are you planning on turning around anytime soon?" he asks.

I smirk triumphantly. Another win for me. I turn and strike a seductive pose. "Like what you see?"

I have to fight down the hormones with tooth and nail as Sasuke looks openly at my crotch, a primal hunger in his eyes. "I have to admit I think I do," he replies with a slight smile. "By the way, you have a nice ass."

"Why thank you." I can't help it – I snigger. "So, are we getting started?"

"Sure." Sasuke gets up onto the model stand and beckons me over. He pulls out the couch so that it's at a bit of an angle, then hands me a couple of pillows. "Just recline on the couch. Do whatever's comfortable, then I'll make adjustments."

"Easy enough." I hop onto the couch and lean against the arm, putting a few pillows behind my back. I adjust a little to get comfy. "It's a bit cold in here when you're naked."

"I can fix that," says Sasuke. My eyes widen for a second as I take in the implication of what he said. He looks confused for a moment, then I see the gears click into place. He scowls. "Not like _that_, dumbass. Though I wouldn't be opposed to it."

"I know, I know." I'm disappointed – partly by the fact that he completely missed the innuendo, but mostly by the usual frustration. "So can I get a heater or something?"

Sasuke goes off to a corner where I can't see him and a low machine hum begins. He comes back with a small portable heater and sets it up to face me. "I've turned the room heater on, but here's a fan for you as well. Just let me know if you want it warmer or cooler."

"Sure." A moment after he turns on the fan, the heat reaches me, coming in gentle waves. I drop a leg down off the couch. "Okay, what now?"

"Hm." Sasuke grabs a tall lamp from the corner and turns it on before positioning it. Then he frowns and goes to work the mechanism that shuts the curtains on the windows above. The studio goes dark save for the one lamp. He seems much happier with this. "Better. More dramatic."

He grabs a smaller lamp to use at his easel so he can see. I watch as he bustles about, looking at me from his easel, coming up to adjust the lamp once more, heading back to check again. I have no idea what he's looking for, but I'm just going to trust that he'll find it.

"Could you raise an arm?"

I comply, fitting my hand comfortably behind my head. "What do you want to do, paint my armpit hair?"

"Well I'm not going to ignore it," he admits, "but that's not the point. It's just that the shoulder and surrounding muscles look entirely different when the arm's raised, and I wanted to study it. Put your foot on the couch? No, back on the ground. Hang on." He comes back again and grabs my ankle, jerking it so that my leg lies relaxed but straight, and slides a pillow under my heel for support. "Better. You comfortable?"

Aside from the fact that I could pop a stiffy any minute now? "Yeah, this is really nice," I reply. I can feel the heater starting to warm up the room, and the lamp's helping too.

"Good." He sits at his easel and pulls out his MP3 player. "May as well get some music going, since there's no one around to bother with it. What do you listen to?"

"A capella. Rock. Dubstep. Techno Eurodance. Anything trending due to being irresistibly catchy. Sparkly J-Pop about unrequited love and shooting stars. I'm not picky, really. If a song's good, I don't care what the genre is."

"Fair enough. Perhaps a Japanese playlist, since we didn't get to go clubbing." He puts the playlist on through his speakers, then starts putting paint on his palette.

I watch him, very aware of the fact that once he starts, any movement I make will probably fuck him up. Even the smallest of changes in my position will make what he sees different from what he's already painted. Damn, I didn't know models go through such stress when all they're doing is lying around on a couch.

"Don't be so tense," Sasuke says. "It'll come through in the painting."

"Sorry," I mumble. "I just… dunno how to model. It's weird."

"Relax. I already said you don't have to stay completely still. If I need something from you I'll ask, but you won't mess me up by moving a little." He smiles reassuringly, so I try to relax.

It gets easier the longer the session goes on. We talk a bit at first, then less and less. I close my eyes and listen to the music, to the soft sound of the paintbrush against the canvas, to Sasuke shifting now and then. Thankfully I'm not too tired or I'd doze off right here and probably end up rolling over off the couch or something. I don't care what Sasuke says about relaxing, that would definitely ruin his painting. I know he hasn't gotten very far yet, but I'm really keen to see it. Sai says that, barring technical errors, a portrait will show someone not the same way a photo would, but through the personal lens of the artist. I'm no painter, but I've seen some of Sasuke's stuff and I'd say he's pretty damn good. So how does he see me? What does that even entail, this artist's lens? What would change? Sometimes when I look at photographs of myself, my body shape looks entirely different from how it does in the mirror. The disparity pisses me off, like I can't even trust my own eyes. What am I supposed to believe is real? What does Sasuke see when he looks at me?

I watch him as he paints. Well, I guess I'm getting what I wanted that time when I thought of how great it would be to watch Sasuke immersed in his art. Seeing him work on his logo design the other time was just a hint, but now it's even more enthralling than I'd imagined: he seems to have gone into a different world, focusing only on his work and oblivious to the things around him. I wonder if he'd be like that even on a busy street sketching pedestrians, or if it's only due to the calm nature of the room that he's truly able to focus. I wonder if he even notices the music playing. The light from his lamp plays against his face, against his hands as he lifts them to add more paint to his canvas, bathing him in stark light and deep shadows. I wonder what it must be like, to be able to capture such beauty with your own two hands, to lay it down in a more meaningful way than a photograph could. To be able to set that image on canvas or paper and say, I made that.

I notice that Sasuke's gone rather still and meet his eyes. He flinches, and it's hard to tell in this light but I swear he blushes a little.

"W-what?" I say. Why'd he react like that? This isn't the first time I've stared at him.

"Uh," he begins, hesitant, "it might help if… you didn't look at me while I'm painting you."

"Oh." I quickly avert my eyes, but there's not much to look at when the only lights in this room are behind me and right where he is. "Why?"

"Well, you've done some life drawing before, haven't you?"

Slowly I nod. "A little."

"Right, well… have you ever looked up at your model and found them looking right back at you?"

"…I see." It's never happened to me, but I have worried about it. I feel a flush creeping up my own neck. Only there's no way Sasuke will be able to miss that, because, well, I'm naked. "I guess that could be something."

"Yeah." He pauses. "Sorry."

"Don't be. I should be the one apologizing for making things awkward."

"You didn't know better."

He falls silent. The tension in the room is palpable; it's a moment before the sounds of brush on canvas begin again. Part of me wants to shout about how stupid this is, how we've slept in the same fucking bed in nothing but our underwear and I woke up to Sasuke's boner just this past weekend and by all rights this should not be a problem. But somehow, something's changed. Or was it just that feeling normal around him was the odd part? Unresolved sexual tension indeed.

I try to distract myself by thinking of Blue. What would he say if he knew I was posing nude for someone I want to fuck, someone who wants to fuck me? What if he sees Sasuke's painting somehow once it's done? If it gets hung up in the gallery, or even just in Sasuke's studio? I know Blue has friends from a bunch of different courses. VisComm covers a pretty wide range of disciplines, so there are a lot of students. It wouldn't be unlikely for Blue to know someone there. Come to think of it, hanging a nude portrait of me anywhere would probably be bad news. My face isn't exactly hard to recognize, even if Sasuke was a bad enough artist to make my normal features look completely different – in case you hadn't noticed, not an awful lot of people have whisker-like scars on their cheeks. Somehow word is going to get out. People will see the painting, recognize me, and link me to Blue, and it'll all be over. I guess I'd better ask Sasuke to be careful with that thing.

Though… I'm starting to wonder whether Blue would ditch me or not. He's perfectly comfortable with sleeping with multiple people at once, as he's demonstrated before. Maybe he'd just, I dunno, keep sleeping with me and pick up some other people at the same time. I wouldn't stand for it though. I guess in a way I'm just waiting for him to screw up so I can call it quits. If I screw up, he doesn't care. I do, so that's what's stopping me, but Blue would sail right on through all of this, wouldn't he?

…Wouldn't he? Blue's been acting weird lately. He's been so much nicer than I'm used to from him, and it's hard not to suspect ulterior motives. I don't know what more he thinks he can coax from me, though, because we already fuck like rabbits. As for two nights ago… I still don't know what his attack was about, but he seemed seriously distressed. He acted like he was fine in the morning, but I could have sworn his eyes looked red and shadowed, like he hadn't slept much at all, and today in class he was uncharacteristically quiet. I'm… kind of worried about him, to be perfectly honest. Wouldn't you be, if you saw someone acting like that? If you didn't know what was wrong or how to help them?

"Oi, King of Grumps," Sasuke calls, cutting through my inner monologue.

I look over at him, then remember I'm not supposed to and quickly look away again. "What?"

"What do you think? You're making the face again. I'm not painting to capture deep contemplation." He sighs, and I hear him put his palette down on the ground. "I think it's about time for a lunch break. Have a stretch and put your clothes back on."

I do as he says, almost without thinking, because now that I've gotten myself on the topic of Blue I can't help but fret. I'm really hoping he has someone to talk to about it. And I'm really hoping that someone isn't me. I don't think I'm ready to invest that kind of energy in him, not when I've spent nearly a whole year holding a grudge against him.

The lights flick on and I blink, startled. I turn to see Sasuke approaching me, looking concerned. "Seriously, what's eating you?" he asks softly. "You know I'm here if you need someone to listen."

I nod slowly. "I know. Thanks. I think I can handle it, though."

"Don't overburden yourself." He smiles encouragingly. "Come on, I'll make you lunch."

* * *

Naruto's photograph/mirror discrepancy is one of the things that shows up in my work because I experience it myself. I wouldn't say I exactly struggle with body image, not in the way some do, but I'm not happy with it either (mind that it doesn't help when your parents keep telling you that you need to lose weight). When I look at myself in the mirror, I can almost be happy with how I look. But I almost always hate photos of myself, and I wonder, which one is real? Which one is everyone else seeing?

Also note that I don't mean to discredit photography in any way. I really admire a good photograph. But there's certainly a difference in effort between photographic and drawn/painted portraits.

R+F


	19. Two Sides of the Same Coin

**Chapter Nineteen: **Two Sides of the Same Coin

**Words: **5614

I'm impatient. Early update!

I gotta admit, this whole pacing thing is getting me down. I've said it before, but I still agree with readers that L.U.S.T. is too slow. But important things happen in these chapters that I can't just take out, and anyway part of the issue is a difference in opinion, since I know a lot of you dislike the NaruBlue. I like it, so I'm keeping it there. All I can say is that things will heat up soon. Soon, I promise.

It's probably worth noting that summer holidays for university students are (typically) four months long. Usually it's May-August. Mine's June-Sept because my school is a special snowflake.

* * *

The day is Wednesday the 25th of January, the time somewhere around noon. The setting: Sasuke's kitchen. The situation: I'm currently typing a text to Blue as I stare at Sasuke's ass while he cooks. I'm officially nominating myself for Hypocritical Cheating Asshole of the Month.

"How's Blue?"

I flinch and nearly drop my phone. "W-what? He's fine," I say, staring at Sasuke. It's as if he knows exactly what I'm thinking about. Only he isn't even looking at me; he's busy flipping grilled cheese sandwiches. I send my text (_Hey you. Everything good? Doing okay?_) before asking Sasuke, "Why the curiosity?"

"Just wondering," he shrugs. "I was surprised when I met him on Monday. Considering all you've said about how much of an asshole he is…" He trails off.

I frown, partly because of what he said and partly because of his tone. "He's been a lot better lately somehow. I promise you he wasn't like that for the vast majority of the seven or so months I've had to deal with him."

"You've been with him seven months?" Sasuke looks at me over his shoulder, surprised. I can see him doing the math in his head. Seven months straight would mean I'd started sleeping with Blue in June, which falls within our summer holiday.

"I'm not counting the summer," I explain. "We didn't talk much. I think he texted me once."

"I see," he says, turning back to poke the sandwiches. "And he wasn't like this at all?"

"Not until the new term." Actually, when I think about it, I first noticed the shift around the first week we were back after the winter break. I wonder if something happened to him during the holidays that made him decide to be less of a prick.

My phone vibrates in my hand and I quickly check the text. _I'm fine. What's the occasion?_

_Do I need one?_ I type, remembering him saying the same thing when I asked why he'd gotten me a present. I think about this, then add, _You seemed kinda off yesterday. Just making sure you're still fuckable tonight._

"Well," says Sasuke, offering me a plate with a sandwich cut in triangular halves, "if what you say is true, it sounds like he's changed for the better."

"Yeah." There's a strange space after Sasuke's words, a silence that he meant to fill with another sentence but left blank for some reason. I'm spared trying to decipher it thanks to the arrival of another text: _When am I not? Thanks for checking though. ;) Your place or mine?_

I start eating and space out for a little while, staring at the winky emoticon. I feel like I should be trying to analyze what it means, whether he's using it to subvert an otherwise sarcastic message or to make it seem less serious or what, but to be honest he always uses emoticons. They fit his personality, anyway. He's possibly one of the only people I know who actually winks, besides maybe Takeshi. I answer: _Mine. I'll text you when I'm on the bus; I'm on campus right now._ Then I go back to contemplating the words Sasuke didn't say.

"Want a drink?"

I shake my head absently, still staring at my phone. It seems I've gotten pretty good at balancing both Sasuke and Blue in my mind at the same time, at least compared to last time I checked. I don't know whether or not this is a good thing.

_Sounds good. What are you at uni for? We have today off,_ Blue reminds me. Like I didn't already know that.

_Yeah, and? I've got shit to do that isn't going to class._

"Hey, Fishcakes."

"Huh?" I tear my eyes away from the screen to realize Sasuke's been talking all this time and I've barely heard a word. "Oh, sorry. You were saying?"

He frowns. "Are you sure you're okay? You've been spacing out a lot."

"I know." I shake my head. "Don't mind me. Today's just one of those days."

"If you say so. You still good to continue modelling this afternoon or do you want to call it quits?"

I'm surprised by this. "Don't you have to get this done?"

He shrugs. "I've got the studio booked for Friday afternoon as well, and the assignment isn't due for a while. If you want, we can reschedule."

I find myself seriously considering this, which is absurd. Why would I ever choose Blue's company over Sasuke's? When I'm horny, I suppose, but this morning hasn't resulted in too much sexual frustration, which is also absurd because I've been lying naked in front of him for the past couple of hours for goodness' sake. There was the little undressing stint at the beginning, but just lying there doing nothing for a while, when I'm not allowed to at least watch Sasuke, doesn't really result in horniness. I don't know how I did it without dying of boredom, actually. I'm not usually one to remain in one place for that long even when I am engaged in something like the internet or a video game.

_I was just curious,_ says Blue. _I eagerly await your text, o knight in shining armour on a white horse. And by horse I mean bus._

_Whatever._ I set my phone to silent and put it away. "Well, it's not like modelling is particularly stressful or active or anything," I say to Sasuke. "In fact, today's probably the best day for it. Getting me to stay still is pretty rare."

"I can imagine," he says with a bit of a smile. "Alright. If you insist, you can keep posing nude for me. I'm not complaining."

"Yeah, why are you even trying to convince me not to strip for you?" I say with a laugh.

"Perhaps because I'd much rather do it myself," he shoots right back, a smirk at his lips and a spark in his eyes.

"Could be. Well, maybe one day." I sigh. At the rate things are going, that day could be pretty soon. I compulsively check my phone again to find Blue's already sent a couple more texts asking me how I want him tonight. My first thought is _I want you to be Sasuke_. This worries me a bit, so I decide not to answer at all. It's not like Blue will know I've read the messages; for all he knows I got busy and haven't checked. Still, it's hard to look Sasuke in the eye after that.

Good thing I don't need to while I model for him. Before we start, we take a couple of minutes to get me back into the pose I was in this morning. Despite him reassuring me I didn't need to be so still, he appears to be rather adamant about this.

"Didn't you say I didn't have to worry about staying perfectly still?" I ask as he looks from his painting to me, frowning. "If that doesn't matter, than my starting position can't affect things that much, can it?"

"Pull your left foot just a little closer to you. I suppose you're right," Sasuke muses, still looking at me critically. "But I think I'm changing my mind about you not staying still. You did pretty well this morning."

"No pressure, huh?"

"Sorry," he says, not sounding it. "No, this isn't right at all."

He takes a long, hard look at his painting, then marches up to me and jerks my knee outward. I flinch and pull my leg out of his grasp instinctively, and he snatches his hand back, a look coming onto his face that says he's only just realized the implications of what he's done.

"I—" His eyes flick up to meet mine, wide in alarm, and I suddenly become very aware that he might have been staring at my crotch just now. "I'm sorry," he says quickly, cheeks flushing dark. "I didn't think—"

"That's kind of evident," I reply, slightly bewildered. My body's battling between the urge to pull my knees up to hide my nakedness and the awareness that I have to stay still for this painting. At this point, though, I've probably already messed up by flinching. And, let's be honest, I'd really love to let him pose me. To have his hands on me, moving me exactly the way he wants… Can I allow it? Can I really let him do that, when I couldn't even let him talk dirty to me on the phone before? I'm all over the place, inconsistent and hypocritical and powerless to resist my own vices. It's just… I want Sasuke so bad.

"Uh, well," Sasuke begins, "I'm going to need to explain this very carefully to get you to be in just the right pose. It could take a while."

"Just do it yourself," I say.

He blinks. "What?"

"You heard me." I refuse to look at him, my eyes fixed instead on a tall bottle of paint by his easel. Oh yeah, trust me to subconsciously focus on the most phallic shape in the room. Freud would have a field day with me. "You're the only one who knows exactly how you want me to pose. So do it yourself."

"You mean…" He lifts a hand slightly, then pauses, curls his fingers in as though resisting the urge to touch.

I nod once, still not looking at him.

"And you trust me not to succumb to temptation and go too far?" he asks slowly.

"…I don't know. You might." I don't know what else to say without implying that I'd be okay with him feeling me up. I mean… maybe I would be. But I don't know if I'm ready to go that far just yet. Letting him touch my naked body is a jump as it is. "I'm trusting you to be professional about it." There, that sounds pretty good.

He seems to consider this for a long moment, then finally steps closer. "Okay, professional. Got it." He takes a deep breath. "Wish me luck."

"Break a leg," I say. "Hopefully not mine."

Sasuke gives a nervous laugh, breaking some of the tension – or perhaps just making said tension more palpable. He's definitely been acting more uncertain than he usually does, but somehow he's managed to keep it out of his voice until now. Now, as he carefully reaches out and places a hand on my knee, I can feel the tension in his muscles, like he's doing his utmost to hold back. My skin ignites everywhere he touches; my body sings desire with every movement. His hands cup my elbow, slide behind my knee, brush my chest. His fingers tap my side or wrap around my ankle or tease my hair. I can't tell if he's trying to touch me as much or as little as possible. Sometimes the contact is fleeting, butterfly-light, sometimes firm and purposeful, but either way he avoids that treacherous middle ground of a gentle caress. Not that it helps much. I keep my eyes from meeting his, but I see his Adam's apple bob in a nervous swallow; I watch his hair fall from behind his ear, his lips tightening, his chest rising and falling as he breathes. My eyes slide downwards against my will, against my better judgment, but he isn't pitching a tent. In fact, I'm surprised I'm not getting hard either.

Fuck. Now that I'm thinking about it, it's suddenly become ten times harder not to.

Sasuke having to go back to check his painting is not, as might be expected, a reprieve from the tension. Instead it's like someone pressing the reset button on us; the longer he spends adjusting my position, the more comfortable we become, until he has to go back to have another look and things get weird all over again. By now, if it were me, I'd buckle under the stress and just call it fucking good enough. But Sasuke seems to be having no such idea; I swear it takes a good ten minutes before he's satisfied. Finally he backs away, eyes roaming no longer with desire but with the criticism of a painter, and he says, "Right there. Don't move an inch."

"No pressure," I say again.

"Sorry." This time he sounds more like he means it. "Don't force it or anything. If you're not natural about it it'll be much harder."

"I can tell." I watch his feet as he backs up and nearly trips over various paints onto his stool. Once again his actions are uncharacteristic; he fumbles with the paintbrush and can't seem to find a comfortable way to hold his palette. He spends a rather long time mixing colours. It feels like hours before he finally begins to paint.

Compared to the laid back atmosphere of this morning's session, this one is full of a certain rigidity, and not the good kind, if you know what I mean. Though in this scenario, that kind of rigidity would also be bad news. I doubt all this tension is going to help Sasuke's painting. He did keep telling me not to be such a grump. I wonder if he's going to be okay, though. It's obvious his art isn't going the way he wants it to – you don't spend a year and a half at an art school without being able to identify artist's block from a mile away. He seems frustrated, a bit dubious at first but slowly becoming more and more aggressive about his displeasure, until finally he lets out a growl of anger and tosses his paintbrush down on the ground, splattering paint onto his shoes and pants.

"Fuck it," he snarls, standing up and turning his back on the painting. "I give up. Sorry for wasting your time. Just go home or whatever."

"What?" I hesitate, then decide Sasuke's words count as permission to move. I sit up.

"You heard me. I'm done. You can go."

"But…" I frown, conflicted. I didn't think Sasuke would be the type to succumb to the frustrations of an art block, but I guess even a stoic, logic-bound person like him can still be an artist at heart. I didn't expect him to try to send me away, though. I get off the model stand and approach him. "Sasuke? What's wrong?"

"What's _wrong_?" he repeats, his tone so vicious I have to fight the urge to back away. "I can't fucking draw, that's what's wrong. Not when – not when I want you this much."

He crouches down and sits on his heels, sliding his hands into his hair, and takes a deep breath. He looks so dejected, so defeated, that I can't help but crouch down next to him and place a hand against his back.

In a flash I find myself flat on my back against the floor, wrists pinned above my head and legs locked down by legs. My eyes closed automatically on impact; I open them and I'm met with storm-dark eyes flashing almost feral with lust and so fierce that for a moment I forget how to breathe, seized with fear as well as something hotter, something roiling at the edges of my consciousness and in the pit of my stomach.

"Don't," Sasuke breathes, his lips half an inch from mine. The word is hot and dangerous against my skin, but it's also laced with bitter regret. "Don't touch me. I'll snap, I swear I will."

I can't speak. I can't move. If Sasuke wanted me stock still, apparently this is how he should have done it all along. I'm frozen, unable to even look away, but it seems time is on my side. As the heat of the moment cools I watch his irises lighten again, not to their usual icy clear but somewhere close to an overcast day, the storm gradually receding. He lifts his head, then pulls back entirely, scrambling to his feet, a look of borderline panic on his face. Slowly I sit up.

"Naruto—" He seems at a loss for words.

"It's… it's okay," I say slowly. My body is still coursing with fire. If I stay like this any longer I have no idea what he might do – what _I_ might do. He stumbles – back as I stand. I go to find my stuff and get dressed, saying nothing, hearing nothing from Sasuke. With each garment I put back on, I feel a layer of security return to me, layers I didn't really realize I didn't have until I got them back. When Sasuke pinned me, I didn't feel exposed, even though I did feel vulnerable – I felt powerless against his desire, against the fire blazing in his eyes. But now, as I finish dressing, I think I can face him on even ground.

When I turn, it's to find that his eyes are as clear and bright and beautiful as I've ever known them. The panic hasn't completely subsided from his expression, though he does seem to have calmed down for the most part. Perhaps it's not panic so much as trepidation, a sense that he's done wrong and is dreading the consequences.

"Naruto, I…" He frowns and looks away. "I think you should go."

"Why?"

"_Why?_ Because—" He stops himself from what I can tell was going to be another angry tirade. More quietly he asks, "Do you have any idea what you do to me?"

"I… think I can guess," I reply, after a moment.

"I shouldn't have asked you to model for me. I should have known it would lead to this. I… don't think I can hold back anymore. Every time I see you I just…" He glances up at me, and his eyes flash red, making my breath catch. He quickly looks away again. "I'm going to do something we're both going to regret."

"So what do you expect me to do?"

"Just… leave. Stay away from me. Don't… don't tempt me."

"And what, never talk to you again? Avoid you? How are we supposed to keep being friends?"

"I don't know!" he shouts, his voice echoing against the hard floor and walls. "Just… give me some time, okay? I think I need to be alone for a while. To sort my head out."

To work off the horniness, more like. But I don't voice my thoughts; I'm pretty sure he knows I'm thinking it, anyway. "Okay. That sounds like a good idea." I pick up my bag. I go to pat Sasuke on the shoulder or something, but then I remember what he said about not touching him and think better of it. Still, part of me aches to know I can't even offer the most platonic of contact. I head for the door, but stop with my hand on the doorknob. I turn. "Will you be okay?"

"Yeah. Eventually." He's still not looking at me.

"What are you going to do about your assignment?" I ask.

He shakes his head, unable to give me an answer.

—

I text Blue when I board the bus, and he gets on at his stop, finding me at the back and sitting next to me. He sits close, taking my hand and interlacing our fingers. "Hey."

I acknowledge his greeting with a grunt, keeping my eyes fixed on the world outside.

"You're tense," he notes.

"I'm restless," I reply. It's our codeword for when we're in a place too public to use "horny."

"Good." His thumb slides up my wrist and I squeeze his hand, forcing him to stop. It looks like Sasuke's frustration rubbed off on me – no innuendo intended. Every movement Blue makes has my blood boiling and I'm itching to get rough and dominate him for a while. He can tell. I know he can tell, and I know it's turning him on. I feel it in his touch at the small of my back as we get off the bus. I hear it in his tone of voice as he chatters all the way down my street. I find myself dimly surprised that even after this long, it still turns me on that I'm able to turn _him_ on, especially when I know that he'll act like this for anyone he sleeps with. I'm not special. It's not me who's turning him on; it's just that he acts this way to turn on his partner. Since I never had any delusions about being special to him in the first place, it's not too hard for me to ignore this and lock us in my room and pin him to my bed, but what surprises me is that knowing it's an act doesn't change the fact that it works every time. It doesn't change the fact that I'm helpless against his seduction, against my own failings, my lust and desire and the knowledge that I have full reign, full control over a god. How do you resist that? How do you protect yourself against Dionysus when your patron deity is Aphrodite?

"You look like you're contemplating something academic," Blue notes, during a pause between kisses.

"I shouldn't be, but that play about the Greek gods is getting to me." I scowl. "Trust me, I'm not making obscure references in my head because I want to."

"Now's not the time to think," he says, dropping his voice a couple of tones. He draws his tongue up my jawline and murmurs into my ear, "Don't think. Feel."

I slap his ass. "You shouldn't be making obscure references either."

He just laughs and keeps doing it. I have half a mind to tell him to stop or I won't fuck him, but I don't think I could make good on that threat and anyway I have a weird place in my heart for bad puns and lame jokes. He seems to be having fun, in any case, and once I start thrusting he has no breath to spare for anything but moans and gasps. This is good. When he doesn't talk I can pretend he's Sasuke. I can close my eyes and devour his skin with my tongue and lips and teeth and pretend his hair is dark, his skin pale, his eyes grey. I can pretend it's Sasuke I'm thrusting into, Sasuke who's clinging to me as though for dear life, Sasuke who I'm making moan so desperately. I can pretend I don't feel guilt; I can pretend I do feel guilt, I can pretend I'm sorry for going against my own principles. But with no one to answer to but myself – with the knowledge that I let Sasuke touch me, move me, pin me down – I'm not finding it that incriminating to fuck Blue like he's Sasuke. The guilt isn't as strong as it used to be. It doesn't cripple me anymore. It barely twinges in my chest. When did I stop caring? Where's that immediate rejection I used to feel when I got anywhere near something that could be related to cheating? Where did my guilt go?

When we're done, I tell Blue to get going, insisting I have things to do. Apparently he's decided to be difficult, though. Maybe I didn't fuck him hard enough.

"What kind of stuff?" he asks, tracing idle patterns against my chest. "Homework? Do you wanna practice lines with me?"

"Homework is the last thing on my list," I reply tetchily. Thankfully memorizing lines has never been too hard for me; I just have to read the script enough times, unlike some of my classmates who have to use every trick in the book to keep the words in their heads. "Go on home, okay? If you stick around I'll only end up wanting to fuck you more, and I don't have time for that."

"Ice cold, Naru," he says, sounding hurt. But there's no way he could be that hurt if he's still making jokes.

"Naru?"

"Do you mind?" he asks with a smile. "I thought it sounded cute."

Cute. Wonderful. Just what I need, a nickname. Something about it ticks me off. If anyone's going to be calling me Naru, I don't want it to be Blue. It would be sweet if Sasuke called me that. I can imagine it now – I can almost hear him gasping it out as I pound into him. I'd like that. But coming from Blue, it feels too familiar, too intimate. Funny, when my relationship with him is of a strictly intimate sort. I guess there's more than one kind of intimacy in this world.

"If you don't want me to call you that, just say so," Blue goes on, his voice gentle. "I'll stop if you don't like it."

I sigh, feeling his hand rise and fall with my chest. "Do whatever."

"Does that mean I can stay?" he asks, then seems to reconsider at the look in my eyes. "Okay, okay. I'll let you do your thing. Do you mind if I stay just a while longer, though? I'm comfortable here."

I guess it would be pretty cold to rush him out of the house minutes after sex. I briefly entertain a train of thought wherein if I acted rude enough to him, he might call it quits with me and I'd be able to be with Sasuke. Then I discard the notion. I do have a sense of morality, despite evidence to the contrary. "Yeah, I guess. It's not like I was going to get started right away, anyway."

What was that I was saying about morality? Add another strike against me for elaborate lies and general dishonesty. Not that Blue seems to care, though, because he pulls the covers over us and he snuggles up against me, free of the guilt of acting like an asshole. I guess whatever changed him over the winter was good for him, because he's being nicer and seems happier for it. Maybe he knows something I don't about being a decent person.

"Katsumi?"

"Yes, Naru?" he replies, obviously rather pleased with himself for being able to call me that. I can't decide whether I find this irritating or – or perhaps…

"Are you on something?"

He blinks. "What?"

"You've stopped being an asshole. Don't think I didn't notice," I say. "What happened?"

Blue looks confused, then laughs. "You thought it was drugs?"

"I was kidding, obviously." I hit him lightly on the head, then pause and slide my fingers through his hair. I have no idea how he keeps it so soft when he dyes it constantly. "Seriously, though. What happened to the abrasive dickwad I used to fuck?"

"I can bring him back if you want."

"No thanks," I say quickly.

He chuckles again. He rolls over on top of me, arms crossed on my chest and chin resting on top of them. Damn if people aren't heavy, but I've gotten used to this from him. He smiles down at me and reaches out to trace my collarbone. "It's nothing monumental," he says. "I just had a talk with an old friend of mine. Made a couple of New Year's resolutions. That's all."

"You're the only person I know who's stuck to a New Year's resolution this long."

"The month's not even over yet!"

"I know. I think it's a world record."

He's laughing again. He keeps it quiet, but I can feel it against my stomach, see it in his eyes. He seems so happy. I can't understand why. Sure, it's nice to be able to have a regular conversation with him without wanting to punch him, but you'd expect that out of anyone. Blue's the exception to that. I'm sure he's used to having regular conversations with other people who don't find him grating, or people who do but have more to lose than I do if they act like an asshole back at him. What is it about this conversation that's so special?

"Well," he says, "it wasn't really a resolution to actively do something different. I guess it was more… a shift in perspective. Something I don't have to work to believe in. So it's not a New Year's resolution in the usual sense."

"Is it the perspective of someone who isn't an ass to everyone they meet?"

"Hey, now. I'm not an ass to _everyone_."

"So I wasn't deemed special enough to be treated like a regular human being."

"That's not—" He pauses, looking conflicted. "I'm sorry."

His apology surprises me. I stare at him in disbelief, but the tone of his voice wasn't faked – I can see the regret in his eyes. And I find myself feeling bad for accusing him like that.

"I'm sorry for acting like that," he goes on. "I always used to think it was alright, because it was who I was, a part of my identity. I didn't give a shit what anyone else thought. It didn't matter if someone was rude back to me."

"Until?"

"Until… Until I talked to my friend and rethought some things." Somehow it feels like he was about to say something different, but I can't tell for sure. "I guess… from this side, I'm kind of surprised that I have friends at all. That you've stuck with me this long."

"Trust me, there've been dozens of times I've wanted to call it quits." Including now, but that's not because of his personality. "You're just lucky you're a good fuck."

"Hmm." He looks into my eyes, his expression now unfathomable. Okay, maybe that was a bit harsh of me considering he's just given a monologue on how he's trying to change. But it is true – he's good in bed, and that's the only reason I still let him into mine.

"Well, I give as good as I get," I admit. "The only reason I'm an ass to you is because you were an ass to me first. Given a more amicable personality, I might've actually warmed up to you." I consider it: an alternate reality where Yamashita Katsumi, the Sex God of Konoha Campus, is a nice guy, a guy whose personality I find myself attracted to, a guy I could date. I manage to hold the thought for about six seconds, then Blue in the alternate reality is abruptly replaced by Sasuke. Sasuke, the sex god, the man everyone is lining up to get in bed with, begging me to sleep with him and only him. How perfect would that be?

The real Blue comes in and interrupts the fantasy altogether. "Okay, I didn't entirely mean to be as much of a dick to you as I have been," he says. "You never said you wanted exclusive, not at the beginning. Most people don't sleep around _and_ expect exclusivity."

"Most people don't sleep with three others in the space of two days before going back to the first one," I snap. "If you don't like it, move on. Go fuck someone else. I'm not making you keep sleeping with me."

There. I said it. I did it, didn't I? I've basically invited him to ditch me. Maybe now I can go find Sasuke and fuck his brains out.

Of course, that would be too easy.

Blue rolls his hips, reminding me that we're both naked. "I'm staying," he says, watching my eyes as he grinds against me slowly. "I shouldn't have brought it up. It's an old argument. The point is, I'm trying to change."

"You're doing a great job of it," I growl more than speak, but I'm feeling the adrenaline rush through me once more.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly, lowering his head to nibble at my pulse and momentarily wiping my mind clean of thoughts. "I don't mean to argue. It's a habit I need to break."

"So's this," I breathe. "I'm trying to be mad at you here—"

"But I'm seducing you into complacency?" he finishes for me. I can only nod, silenced by the feeling of his lips brushing my skin. "I've been told I'm good at that."

"It's not a good thing," I retort. Normally I get on his case pretty quick if he shows any sign of trying to dominate the situation, but now as he roves over my skin with his mouth and hands it feels less like he's trying to have power over me and more like he's worshipping my body, revering me, adoring me. It's a new sensation, coming from him. "Most people would use more honest means."

"You're talking to a sex god, Naru. Sex isn't an honest means."

"It's only a title," I say irritably. "You're capable of more than that, aren't you?"

Abruptly he stops in the middle of the trail of kisses he's leaving down my body. When I look down, I'm met with icy blue eyes full of genuine surprise, maybe even shock, and behind that a spark of hope.

I raise an eyebrow. "What?"

"N…nothing." A smile teases at his lips, but try as he might he can't hold it back. Before long he's beaming. He leans up and kisses me square on the mouth, deeply, fiercely. When he pulls back, his eyes sparkle with joy. "Thanks, Naru."

"What for?" I'm so lost right now.

But he just shakes his head. "For everything. I'll go now."

He makes to get up, but I hold him down by grabbing his ass roughly with both hands. "Excuse me. Weren't you going in for a blowie just now?"

He just laughs and crawls back down, and his mouth is ever so quick to help erase the sense of confusion and doubt that's crept into my mind.

* * *

Sketch to the first person to guess what Blue's referencing in this chapter. It's not a song this time. And you have to be specific! Name the line, the character, where they're from, and the situation in which they say the line. It's not all that obscure, to be honest. If you're a fan, you should know almost straight away, and it's not a small fandom.

Eesh, I'm not even done the sketch I owe from chapter 13… it just keeps eluding me. I'm working on it, I promise!

Special thanks to my buddy ww for pointing out the thing that inspired this chapter's title. Unfortunately I wasn't able to do justice to said title – they tend to be hit-and-miss with me – but she was rambling about her feels regarding the chapter and mentioned how Sasuke and Blue both love Naruto in very different ways, and how this chapter basically embodies that. And I thought it was really powerful and kind of had to hit myself over the head for not seeing it myself until she said it. Ah, the power of a reader with a different viewpoint.

R+F


	20. Cake and Ice Cream

**Chapter Twenty: **Cake and Ice Cream

**Words: **5363

Sorry for the late update! Thursday, the day before I was going to update, I suddenly had an idea for a scene to add to this. Then I ended up writing pretty much a third of the chapter. It's better for it, though, so it was worth the delay.

In this chapter I make it painfully obvious I know nothing about real, academic acting theory. I talked to an actor friend once over dinner about one guy's theories, almost two years ago now, and that is the extent of my knowledge. I should go do some research. Stanislavsky, that was his name. Anyway, uh, don't take my word as law or anything. I literally made all that up using common sense.

* * *

I don't hear from Sasuke at all for the next little while. It starts to worry me on Wednesday around lunchtime. It's not as though I hadn't thought about it last night or anything, but I figured he could use some time to think about things and that he'd get back to me soon enough. But maybe he needs a bit more time. Maybe he was busy yesterday after… after I left, and hasn't had time to recuperate yet. As calm as he seemed when I left, I'm pretty sure it was just a façade. I could feel a roiling storm beneath the mask he put on. Or maybe that was me – it was at least partly me. At least I had Blue to go to. I mean – not that Sasuke can't go hook up with someone, but – well, he doesn't have someone on call. Does he? Could he maybe know someone who'd shack up with him at the send of a text? The thought fills me with equal parts burning jealousy and tempering guilt. I have no right to dictate whether or not Sasuke sleeps with or dates anybody, but…

Fuck. I'd better just not think about it.

By the end of the day, with Sai having gone off somewhere he refuses to tell us and Sakura busy with her course work, I'm starting to regret promising to myself that I wouldn't try to text Sasuke until he texted me first. I figured he would, considering the original plan was to continue the painting thing tomorrow. Maybe it's better just to leave him be and assume the painting session is off. Yesterday he acted as though it'd be impossible for him to continue, that just seeing me naked would drive him into some unstoppable torrent of lust. The thing is, I'm not so sure I'd mind anymore.

But… the idea that the painting session might be cancelled is somehow worrying. Without it, it feels like there's no guarantee I'll see Sasuke again. There's still a chance we might pass each other on campus, but as close as we became in the time we've known each other, I still don't feel like we're quite at the level where we can just spontaneously show up at each other's doors. There's a chance I could find out when his lectures and classes are, and try to intercept him after one. I could probably ask around and find a friend, or a friend of a friend, in VisComm who could tell me. Failing that, all the rooms that have to be booked in advance have the week's schedules posted outside their doors, so it wouldn't be impossible to find out where one or more of the Year 2 VisComm lectures are held. I've even walked with Sasuke to one of the lecture halls he's had a class in, though there's no guarantee that it's his class's regular place, or that it's not temporarily changed for a week or several, or that that particular set of lectures isn't already over, or that he might not just decide to skip one day. But it's a lead, and I could wait weeks if I have to, and I'm already gearing up to check the lecture hall's time schedules tomorrow when I realize that I'm basically planning to stalk him.

Geez. What am I, a smitten fangirl? A lover scorned? Paranoid? It's been a day, barely more than twenty-four hours, since I've seen him and I'm already desperate. But then how often do you part ways with a friend with the sense that you might never sit in the same room together again? That's the part that's really getting to me, I reassure myself. Sasuke's a friend of mine and the last conversation we shared held some rather worrisome undercurrents. Sasuke told me to leave him be, a request that would usually imply a temporary state, but he was so tense as I left the room that I wasn't quite sure he might not snap even if I did come back days later, fully clothed. He also implied a reluctance to have me continue being his portrait model, and given the unfinished state of his painting I know that's going to set him back in his assignment. He could ask for an extension, I suppose; since the project requires the cooperation of a person besides the student, the possibility of disruptions such as health or family problems doubles. They probably expected their students to choose people they didn't know that well, though. People they wouldn't have the chance of having personal, emotional quarrels with. People they could be professional with.

I am none of those to Sasuke. I'm not usually one to make declarations regarding other people's feelings, but I know that much.

I have to leave the choice up to him, but I don't know what he'll do. If he wants to finish his assignment, he's going to have to suck it up and find the nerve to continue painting me. Failing that, he fails his assignment.

Or… My blood chills, then burns at the thought. I almost didn't think to consider it – why is it that I always assume I'm the only person Sasuke knows? Just because I haven't met many of his friends doesn't mean he doesn't have any. Charismatic as he is, I doubt he has trouble finding people who like him, even though company seems to wear him out. I'm just counting myself lucky I'm not one of those people, at least as far as I can tell from being around him. But I've seen him throw an entire project in the bin and start over two days before it's due – what's to say he won't do the same here? What if he buys a new canvas and starts fresh with a different model? It'd be someone attractive for sure. At least I don't have to worry about him being attracted to the model if she's female, but I wonder if he'd wanted to paint a man all along, if perhaps he's studying male anatomy at the moment. If he finds someone willing, someone hot, muscular… stronger than me, less abrasive than I am, probably sexier – what am I going to do?

Well, okay. When I ignore the roaring jealousy in the pit of my stomach, I have to admit it's probably a better move for everyone involved. Sasuke could finish his painting and avoid failing. Maybe he'd pick someone who isn't sexually attractive to him, so that he might actually be able to finish without wanting to fuck them. But then, maybe if the model is hot – maybe if Sasuke works off his frustration with someone else, he won't be as tense around me when we meet next.

It's that friendzoning thing again. Damn it all. It's starting to feel like the only way I can keep being friends with Sasuke is to ensure that that's all we'll ever be. Without the temptation of sex between us, maybe we can actually stand to be in the same room together without wanting to tear each other's clothes off – or, in the case of an absence of clothes, skip right to the sex. But I don't want to cut that possibility out of our relationship forever. If I tell him no for long enough, soon it'll become permanent, and I don't think I could stand that.

By Friday morning, I can barely sit still anymore. My phone's been painfully absent of new messages from the Little Duckling, and the paranoia's getting to me. I'm pretty much clear of the nightmares now, though I slept in Sakura's bed with her last night, but I had an especially vivid wet dream. It was the Northlight studio again, and Sasuke was painting me and taking off an article of clothing every now and then until he was naked too. Then he came over and literally painted me – drew his paintbrush over my skin and mottled me with clear blues and burning hot whites and every colour imaginable, and my skin absorbed the paint and filled me with desire and then he straddled my hips and rode me until neither of us could speak any longer. And of course I woke up with a raging boner because fate or Mother Nature or whomever loves irony, or maybe coincidences – don't even get me started on literary terms right now. I come to, practically humping Sakura, and have to book it out to the bathroom to take care of it, a fist-shaped bruise rapidly darkening on my arm and her subsequent laughter taunting me all the way.

By the time I'm done in the bathroom I've decided this has gone on fucking long enough. I pull out my phone, open up my contacts, and press the button to text Sasuke. Except I accidentally press the call button instead. I panic for a bit, and by the time I have the sense to consider hanging up the ringing's already stopped and a voice comes through: "H'lo?"

"I – uh—" I realize I'm still staring at the screen like an idiot and quickly put the phone to my ear. "H-hey, Sasuke?"

"Oh—" His tone changes abruptly. Whereas it was groggy and sleepy before, now he sounds completely alert, even startled. There's a pause, and then he speaks again, slightly calmer. "Naruto. Hello."

"…Hi." I fall silent, realizing I have no idea what I was going to say. I hadn't even thought up a message for the text – I'd been counting on the lack of direct contact to give me time to think of something. I suddenly remember what time it is. "Uh – did I wake you?"

"Actually, yes," he says. "But it's alright."

"Oh. Okay." I still feel bad, though.

"So, uh… is there any reason you called?"

"Well – about this afternoon. I – I don't know if you were still planning on doing the painting or whatever, but… I figured I'd ring you up and confirm."

"Right. Yeah." Sasuke sounds nearly as flustered as I am. I can't decide whether this makes me feel better or more worried that I'm not the only one. "I… don't know. I do have the studio booked, and I do need to finish my work, but…"

…But the awkwardness of Wednesday still lingers. It's obvious by his tone of voice. "I see," I say quietly. "Okay. Well… let me know when you need me, alright? Just give me a text or something. Bye," I say, and I find myself swallowing back a lump in my throat at the thought that maybe I should've said _see you soon_ instead. I lower the phone and make to hang up.

"Wait."

The phone's back against my ear so quickly I smack myself in the head with it. "Ow. Yeah?"

"Do you… are you still up for clubbing anytime soon?" he asks. "I looked it up last night. The Foxtrot's doing their Asian music night tonight to make up for last week's cancellation."

A spark of hope lights in my chest. "Absolutely," I say, feeling a grin spread across my face. "I'll round up the others and see how many can make it. If Sakura and Sai are okay with it, pre-drinks at ours tonight. Either way, you can come over."

He pauses for a moment, then: "Sure. I'll be around after dinner if that's alright with you."

"Yeah. I'll see you then." Relief floods me at these words – they're even better than _see you soon_. We hang up on much better terms than when we'd begun, and already I feel a dozen times better than I have for the past two days.

Today's a half day at uni due to some sort of faculty meeting, so we're doing quick partnered skits this morning. I would've picked Kiba or any number of other people, but Blue latched onto my arm before I could even scan the room for my friends and by then everyone had already paired up, or they saw me standing next to him and assumed I was taken. So here I am, going through the required emotions as he plays the role of a good, honest soldier before his first battle, pouring his heart out to his best friend so that he might die without regrets. Later on I'm supposed to do the same, but right now I find myself surprised by the emotion on his face.

Some people act by pretending, simply by projecting what they're supposed to. A few of them are good enough to fool most, but it's generally agreed upon that a stronger method is to feel the required emotions yourself – when you need to laugh, you think of something funny; when you need to cry, you push yourself into a traumatic memory. It's not easy. Not only do you have to send your mind to a place where your own memories exist, but you also have to continue to act as the character who's laughing or crying at the same time. A better strategy yet is to step into your character's shoes: meet them, befriend them, empathize with them, become them. When their brother dies, so does yours. For some people whose sense of identity is not as strong as others', it can be disorienting and hard to pull out of. Really good acting always requires a level of separation from oneself.

The method of acting I'm watching Blue use right now is probably closest to the third one, but there's an extra nuance to it. As I watch him, I puzzle it out. He's making the emotions his own, that's for sure. He's understanding the soldier's plight, the fear of what's to come, the relief of spilling one's heart. But it doesn't feel like he's stepping into the character's shoes and clothes and life – it's more as though he's pulling the character into himself, adding it to his own identity. It's a transformation so unexpected that I find myself entranced by his eyes as usual, but not for the usual reasons. There's no lust or temptation in those eyes. Just hope, fear, and honesty.

"Naru?"

I blink. There's Blue, looking back at me. The spell of the act is gone – in acknowledging me and not my character, he dissolves the imaginary world I've projected around us to envelop myself in the scene – but the emotions still linger in his eyes.

"It's your line," he prompts gently.

"Oh. Sorry," I say, disoriented. "Uh, where were we?"

"I'll say my last line again." He slips back into his character as easily as one might don a nightgown. But now, instead of a soldier, all I see is Blue. Blue taking a deep, steadying breath. Blue focusing his eyes on something distant, something beyond the real world, as if lost in his own thoughts. Blue speaking, his voice soft, his lips soft, his gaze soft. And when his fine, wheat-coloured eyelashes meet just before eyes flick up to meet mine, I find myself at a loss.

"Uh." I can't look away. I clear my throat and try to call up the words in my mind, but there's nothing there. Just ice-bright eyes watching, waiting. Instead I force myself to focus on them until they overwhelm me, and only then can I tear my gaze away.

"Is everything okay?" Blue asks, himself once more, concern in his voice.

"I…"

"That's it for today," calls the teacher. "See you all tomorrow."

"Naruto?"

"I… need to go to the bathroom," I say quickly, and bolt out of the studio.

I do go to the bathroom, but only to splash my face at the sink. Okay, so that threw me off a little. I mean, I know I appreciate a good actor, and I've acknowledged that Blue's genuinely becoming a better person, but I didn't expect to warm up to him in quite this way. I guess I should have expected it – couple my compassion with his good looks and it's bound to incite something eerily akin to attraction. I can't help it. My dad told me once that there's just too much love in my heart for me to contain. As long as I see some good in someone, I can't help but love them. It's true enough, if possibly misleading. This is the love of a friend, a brother, a king – not the love of a partner, whether you're talking about the legendary soulmate type of love or just the kind that gets most people through life. I don't love Blue. But maybe I could grow to like him.

I leave the bathroom, feeling better. I'm heading towards the exit when I hear voices from around the corner, voices I recognize. I sneak a peek and see Kiba and Blue hanging out by the studio doorway, chatting. Kiba laughs at something Blue's said, and Blue smiles in return. They seem at ease around each other. No, not just at ease: Kiba's always good at making friends, and Blue's pushy enough to respond. There's something more to their interaction – something… familiar. I pull back, hiding behind the wall, listening.

"Well, he isn't exactly the sharpest tack in the drawer," Kiba's saying.

Blue laughs quietly. "Heh, don't I know it. He can be witty when he wants to be, though. He's… good. He's been good to me," he says, his voice becoming softer. "I mean, I think he closes himself off to me sometimes, but when he forgets to, he's really great."

They're… talking about me, aren't they? It's vague, but I wouldn't be surprised. I'm probably the only thing they have in common. I press myself closer against the wall.

Kiba says, "Yeah, I dunno why he does that. I mean, it's obvious he's doing it on purpose – it's not natural for him to be all cold to someone."

"He's probably used to it by now."

"That just makes it worse."

"Let it be, alright?" Blue says. "He has enough on his plate without having to worry about being nice to me."

"What? Okay, for one thing, not being an asshole should be on everyone's priority list. For another, what's he got to worry about?"

"Haven't you noticed? He's… conflicted. I don't know what it is – he hasn't mentioned anything, of course, not to me. But I think he's dealing with some stuff lately. I'm just doing what I can to make things easier on him."

I fight back the urge to step out and talk to them. Blue noticed? If anything, I'd thought he was the conflicted one, considering the way he practically broke down before. How much does he know? He's only met Sasuke once, and I never talk about Sasuke to him. I've never been too hard to read – okay, that's an understatement; anyone can read me like a book. But I've always been detached around Blue, so I'm surprised he noticed.

"That's awfully nice of you," says Kiba, obviously frowning, "considering he doesn't seem to be returning the favour."

"I don't mind."

"What? But – but he's treating you like crap! How could you not mind?"

"There's a difference between neutral and negative. I don't think he treats me like crap. He's just… distant. It's okay," he says, and he almost sounds like he's trying to convince himself as well. "I get that he doesn't like me. I get that maybe I'm blinded—"

"—you are—"

"—but I'm content where I am."

There's a long silence.

"Katsumi…" Kiba begins. "Are you sure you're – content?"

"Yes," he replies, almost too soon.

"Because you don't seem it. And I don't think Naruto is either."

"You… think so?" Whereas Blue sounded like he'd accepted – maybe resigned himself to – the fact that he himself isn't happy, he seems concerned to hear that the same goes for me.

"What you guys are is comfortable. Settling for less. You both want something, but I'm not sure it's the same thing," says Kiba. "If you don't let him know, he might find the courage to reach for what he wants before you do."

My eyes widen.

"I know it can be hard to change the status quo," he goes on. "I know. From personal experience. But it's better than the drawn-out frustration of being in a place you're not happy with. Listen, I'm gonna talk to him, alright?"

"Wait – no, don't," Blue says, suddenly anxious, but Kiba cuts him off.

"I'm not gonna tell him anything," he says. "I'm leaving that to you. But I still think someone needs to talk some sense into him. He wants something, but he isn't willing to go the next step and get it. And while he's stuck there, he's turning into an asshole. Don't let that happen to you, alright?"

"I… yeah. Okay." Blue seems to calm down. "Thanks, Kiba."

"No worries," says Kiba, smiling. "Lemme know if he's giving you shit, okay?"

"Hm." Blue sounds doubtful. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you… looking out for me?"

"Because we're friends. Right?"

"Through Naruto," says Blue.

"Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean it's any less of a friendship." There's a scuffing noise as Kiba shuffles his feet, a habit of his when he's feeling awkward. "Anyway, Naruto's a friend too, and I hate seeing him turn into a bastard like this. It's just stupid. I'll catch you later, alright? I've gotta get downtown."

Now that they're saying their goodbyes, I'd probably better disappear before they can catch me. I make a stealthy getaway, taking a couple of detours on my way out to avoid running into them on a route they're likely to take. I decide to wander upstairs for a little bit, considering what I've just heard. The way they were talking, it sounds like I'm not the only conflicted one. There's something Blue wants, and he wants it bad enough for it to be bothering him. But at the same time, he doesn't want to go out and get it. Because he's afraid.

Just like me.

What is he afraid of? Well, that depends on what he wants. I want Sasuke, so what am I afraid of? What is there to fear? I know he wants me back, so there's little to no worry of rejection. I don't care what Blue thinks, so it's not his wrath I'm dreading either. Is it? The way they talked about me just now… I mean, I know Blue feels more warmly towards me than I do towards him. He at least considers me someone worth spending time with, if his requests to go out for dinner and spend the night are any indication. Is that it? He's been quite open with me lately. I feel like I've gotten to know him a little. If I leave him, will he be sad? Somehow… somehow, though I've disliked him for so long, I don't think I'd want to see him sad.

I sigh. I don't know what to make of all this. It's not like I'm about to go ask Kiba, and I doubt I could ask Blue either. Maybe it'll just all resolve itself. Until then, I need to watch that I don't start pining around either of them.

Blue and Kiba are probably long gone by now, so I head for the cafeteria. I'm starving, we need to do groceries back home, and I might have a chance of running into someone to have lunch with. Actually, maybe I could text Sasuke or something. That'd be sweet. I'm just typing out a message on my phone when suddenly I hear my name from behind me. Aw, crap—

"Naruto!" Blue catches up and links his arm through mine as I quickly put my phone away. He doesn't seem suspicious of me, though. "I didn't think you were still on campus. What're you up to?"

I look at him – at his honest face, his bright eyes, his happy expression. Kiba said Blue didn't seem content, but right now he seems perfectly fine. He didn't mean in emotion, though. Blue's… unsatisfied with the state of things. Like me. Why? What's not working for him? What's he want? I don't know, but the hopeful look in his eyes suggests he thinks it's pretty close.

"Just looking for something to eat," I say with a shrug. "You?"

"Same. Hey, d'you – that is—" He pauses, suddenly becomes less certain of himself. "D'you wanna eat with me?"

It could mean figuring out what Blue's not happy with, so I nod. "We'll grab some stuff and find a table."

"Actually… I was thinking we could go somewhere else for lunch. If you're not busy," he adds quickly. The doubt in his eyes speaks volumes about his frustration – volumes in a language I don't understand. Why can't I read his honest, clear eyes?

"Oh." I am getting sick of cafeteria food, and there are tons of nice places close by. And the plea in his eyes is hard to resist. "Sure, why not?"

We walk to the little cluster of shops and cafés a couple of blocks off campus, Blue holding my hand. I've gotten used to it lately, and anyway the warmth helps. I pay attention to him as we walk, but "not content" seems as far from accurate as can be.

"What kind of cake do you like?" he asks out of nowhere, cutting through the silence between us, as we pass a bakery with all sorts of desserts out on display.

"Dude, it's cake. I don't give a damn as long as it's not stale enough to have gone hard. Does cake go hard?"

He laughs. "I don't know. But I mean, you must have a preference, right? Say we went into that shop," he says, gesturing to another one as we approach it. "What would you buy?"

I pause in front of the bakery window. "Well, my answer isn't going to be the same every time," I reason. "It'd depend on what the store's offering, and on what I'm craving at the moment. But a strawberry custard tart would always be a good bet." Damn, now I want one.

"I see." Blue eyes the display a moment longer, then sets off again, tugging me by the hand.

"Why'd you ask?" I say, catching up to him. "It's not my birthday soon or anything."

"Just curious," he replies, and says no more.

Lunch is a huge plate of nachos to share at a nice pub, and Blue orders us a couple of beers each as well. I watch him over the rim of my glass, until he notices I'm looking at him.

"Wh—is there something you wanted?" he asks, sounding almost flustered.

"No," I say slowly.

"Oh." He drops his gaze, back to the plate. "Okay."

I kick myself mentally. I can be oblivious, but this is just stupid. I _know_ there's something he wants. I _know_ I've been warming up to him lately. So why can't I figure out what he wants, and why does it feel like there's this invisible, bulletproof wall between us? I have no idea how to penetrate it, and Blue either can't or isn't willing to. It's almost as if he—

Wait—

"Hey, Naru?"

"Huh?" I put down my glass, startled out of my train of thought.

"Well, I…" He glances away, out the window behind me. "I thought… it might be relevant to say that today's my birthday."

I'm lucky I don't have anything in my hands, else I'd have dropped it. "What?"

He blushes darkly. I'm a little baffled; I don't think I've ever seen him this red before. "Never mind," he says quickly. "It wasn't worth saying. Forget I even mentioned it."

I fight the urge to heave a sigh. "Katsumi… why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Huh?" He turns back to me so quickly I'm surprised he doesn't crick his neck.

"Well I mean…" I gesture with a nacho, trying to find the words. "We've been doing this for, what, nearly a year now? And you never told me?"

The look on his face tells me he isn't disappointed at the fact that I didn't even try to find out. "I didn't think it was important," he says, with a slight shrug.

I just raise an eyebrow.

He tries again. "It never came up?"

"So bring it up. You know, maybe sometime before the day's half gone."

"You would've suspected me of trying to get something out of you."

I frown. He's right, of course. I never just let things go, with Blue.

"It's alright," he says. "Even if you didn't, you'd feel an obligation to do something for me, and I don't want that."

"What if I let you do whatever you want to me when we go to your place after this?"

That puts the spark back in his eyes. "Anything at all?"

"Well—"

But he's smiling. "Don't worry. I like having you inside me too much to want to fuck you."

"Even once?" I ask, though I really shouldn't be pressing the matter in case he thinks I'd let him. Is that what he wanted? He's protesting a lot for someone who wanted it that much, though. I guess it wouldn't be that much of a deal to let him top just once. He's a fucking sex god; he'd probably be good at any position, but I've been really adamant about not letting him top, so maybe he thought I'd say no. "I mean – if you really want to, I… wouldn't completely object."

"It has been a long time since I've topped," he says, "but I know you don't like it. I want you to enjoy this as much as I do."

"It's _your _birthday."

"Yeah, and I know what I want." He slides his ankle against mine, startling me. I pull my feet away out of reflex, not because I don't enjoy footsies – but because it's what I do with Sasuke. That's Sasuke's territory, and I'm reluctant to let Blue in as well. He seems to read my reluctance and glances away. "I have a few ideas, but I won't be topping. And I know where to stop. I'll make it good, okay?"

I nod. "Deal. I wish you would've told me earlier, though. I have plans tonight."

"Oh." His face falls; evidently he was hoping for me to stay the night. It's his own damn fault, but I can't help feeling guilty.

I heave a sigh and stand up. "Come on, let's go."

"Huh?" He's putting away his wallet, but as soon as he's out of his chair I grab his wrist – well, I make for his wrist, but end up taking his hand instead – and drag him out of the restaurant. He catches up, falling in stride with me, and I slow down a little. "You're sure impatient, huh?" he says, smirking.

"Yeah, and we've got a stop to make first." I pull him into the bakery. "What do you want?"

He blinks, incredulous. "Not a whole cake, that's for sure. It'd take a week to eat."

"Pick something else, then."

"I have a better idea, if you don't mind." He pulls me over to the shop's ice cream stand.

"Ice cream?"

He's got a scheming look on his face. "Can I get a pint of mint chocolate?" he asks the lady behind the counter.

I pay for the tub – it's a bit expensive for ice cream, but then this place is famous locally for it so it's worth it – and we hurry home before it melts. They've given us some disposable ice packs to put in the bag with it, so that's helpful. Blue nearly falls asleep against my shoulder on the bus. When we do get home, I go to put the ice cream in the freezer, but he stops me.

"What, you want to eat it now?" I ask.

"Sort of." He takes the ice cream tub from me, grabs a spoon, and drags me into the bedroom.

"Oh. Oh fuck no." I'm shaking my head, but I can't help a smile. "That's going to be fucking freezing."

"Not if I get you hot." His grin turns wicked.

* * *

This chapter originally didn't have Kiba in it at all, but then he just decided to shoulder his way in and fuck what the author says, apparently. I spent two days wrangling that scene, so… Kiba fans, lucky you!

Next chapter should be posted on Friday as usual, assuming none of the other characters try to butt in...

R+F


	21. Pre-Drinks

**Chapter Twenty-One:** untitled

**Words:** 3977

You lucky, lucky people. I have been _so_ busy over the past week that it's practically a miracle I can even update on time, especially given that last week's last-minute changes have had a pretty big impact on the fic as a whole. But all is not lost, for in my fits of nerves-induced insomnia I have been able to finish editing this chapter in time!

You'll note that, compared to Two Face, L.U.S.T. will have a more realistic outlook on what clubbing is like, simply due to my actually having some experience with it. In a way my fanfictions are for me to explore my own understanding of the world more than anything else.

* * *

"Naruto! You reek of sex!" Sakura scolds me. "Get your ass in the shower."

"Sorry, sorry." I cross the house to drop off my bag in my room.

"At least have the decency to smell hygienic when you come home," she snaps.

"I don't always have time, alright?"

"You're a disgusting slob!"

"I'm a university student. Subtle nuances." I root through my room, looking for a fresh towel.

"There's something… sweet about the odour," Sai notes, sticking his head out of his room. "That's unusual."

I roll my eyes. "As if you know the smell of Blue and me having sex well enough to know when it's different. That's creepy, even for us."

"It's a pretty common smell in the house," he shrugs. "You're in a good mood, aren't you?"

"I dunno, am I?" I reply at once, but the question catches me off-guard.

Sai just smiles. "If you don't know yourself, maybe you should think about it."

"Whatever." I shut myself in the bathroom.

Am I in a good mood? I ask myself as I start up the water. I don't even know where to begin to consider that. Am I expected not to be? Well, considering my first reaction around Blue is to become irritated and detached, I guess my mood right now is significantly better than expected. We had fun, actually. Blue and I ended up finishing the pint of ice cream between us, and in the meantime I found out Blue's a chewer. He usually manages to hold back alright during sex, but apparently when food comes into it he's just too impatient. Having chocolate chips in the ice cream didn't help either – more than once he nipped me a bit too hard, but all in all it was probably one of our more enjoyable sessions lately. Our sex is usually, pardon the pun, pretty vanilla. Blue's wild, so I wasn't exactly surprised that he enjoys creativity in the bedroom, but it's not really my thing unless I'm with the right person, so we haven't done much beyond switching up positions and that kind of thing. The ice cream was a good idea – it wasn't like we were suddenly jumping into handcuffs and whips. And I managed to make my own mark on him as well.

So, when you take into account that "good" is relative, yeah, I'm in a pretty good mood. I felt kinda bad for having to leave him on his birthday, but he reassured me it was enough. Not sure I believed him, but there you have it. And now I'm about to go clubbing for the first time in a couple of months. With Sasuke. He'll be here soon and we can forget all the awkward silence and distance that's been between us for the past few days.

I hate changing into fresh clothes in the bathroom right after a shower; it's always so damp and steamy and it can be hard to wiggle into certain clothes, especially in the small space we have. So I've gotten into the habit of just changing in my room. I towel my hair briefly, then sling the towel around my neck and head out and almost walk right into Sasuke.

"Sorry, I didn't see—Naruto?" He steps back, stumbling, dumbfounded. I stare at him for a moment. He's dressed in dark trousers that come down to just below his knees, a subtly checkered baby blue shirt with the top couple of buttons open, and a waistcoat in a cool, dark grey that matches the blue perfectly. He looks amazing as usual, though I have to admit I'm finding the capris a little bit weird.

"What's with the style?" I ask. It's not that I don't think it looks good on him – because fuck, does it ever – but there's something… foreign about it, something slightly off the social standard.

He shrugs. "There's a store I like that sells a lot of Japanese stuff. What's with _your_ style?"

"Style? I'm not wearing anyth—oh. Right." I belatedly wrap my towel around my waist. "I… didn't hear you arrive."

"Sai let me in. I heard you singing, so I guess you wouldn't have."

"What, really?" I flush despite myself – I guess belting it out in the shower has become such a habit for me that I didn't even notice.

Sasuke doesn't meet my eye, won't even look at me as he nods, face as red as mine feels. "You have a nice voice."

"Um, thanks." I glance away just as he looks at me. For a couple of seconds we do that thing when you want to pass someone in a crowded hallway but they veer in the same direction you do and you end up doing that awkward shifting dance until you figure it out, except with our eyes instead. Finally I remember I'm _still_ butt-naked. "Uh – I'm gonna go put some clothes on."

He nods, relieved.

"You can wait in the living room. Or – or, y'know, you can come to my room. It's not like this is anything new."

"True enough," he concedes. New or not, though, we both know it's not something we're comfortable with.

I turn around and head to my room, letting Sasuke choose for himself what he wants to do. I'm actually kind of glad when he follows me. All my excitement at having him over again has been replaced by the sudden and very awkward way in which we reunited, leaving me confused and scrambling to find something I can hold onto. He doesn't seem nearly as pent-up now as he did when I saw him last, during the painting session. I guess having a couple of days apart was a good idea after all.

"So how's your day been?" I ask casually as I rummage through my wardrobe, looking for something to wear tonight. I don't really know what to say besides the usual small talk. It's like we're strangers all over again and I fucking hate it. I pull on a pair of boxers and then jeans.

"Pretty good, actually." I hear him take a seat on my bed. "You?"

"Surprisingly, the same. Apparently it was Blue's birthday today and he neglected to tell me."

"Does that explain the hickeys?"

I freeze, then slowly glance down. Little red marks litter my torso – I can only imagine the rest of me is similar. Already my mind's replaying the afternoon's events. I can almost feel every mark on my body, exactly where I know they must be, as if they're glowing warning beacons. I must have seen at least some of them in the bathroom mirror, or when I was showering, but I didn't think twice about them.

"Uh. Yeah, I guess it does." I quickly grab the first shirt I can find and pull it over my head. Thankfully Blue didn't bite too hard in many places above my collarbone area. It is way too hot in clubs for scarves, even if it is the dead of winter.

"Not that one."

"Huh?" I turn around in time to see Sasuke stride across the room. He pushes me aside and rummages through my clothes.

"Are all your tops T-shirts?" he asks, sounding almost exasperated.

"So what if they are?" I say. "They're comfy, and I'm not big on clothes anyway. As long as I have jeans and a shirt, I'm good. Sweaters are good for the winter, too." I have an extensive collection of sweaters. It's not on purpose, I swear; the number just built up over the years.

He sighs and pulls out a form-fitting black tank top with wide shoulder straps and a Y-shaped back that covers my shoulder blades less than I'd like. "This will have to do."

"That's my acting outfit," I say, snatching it up. I look at it critically. "This is like wearing pyjamas to a ball."

"Just put it on. You don't get to judge how you look in it."

"Oh, and you do?" I retort.

"I do." He smirks. "Come on, off with the paint shirt."

"This is a good shirt!" I exclaim, though I'm already pulling it off. "Paint shirts are the kind people give you free. I paid good money for this. It's my favourite shirt."

"It's orange," he says flatly.

"It's my favourite colour. You got a problem with that?"

"I think I need to teach you something about fashion."

I tug the tank top on. "Excuse me? I thought I just heard you say 'Honey, that is _so_ last year.'" I flip my wrist.

"Pfft. In an alternate universe, maybe."

"It's a shame you're not a stereotypical sassy gay. Heh." I decide not to point out the similarity to his name. Bet he's heard that one before.

"Seriously. You live with Sakura and – well, Sai has a… curious take on fashion, but at least he considers it. You could at least stand to put a little thought into what you wear."

"What? I like tees and jeans. Is that so wrong of me?"

"I'm not saying it is, but someone with looks as good as yours ought to dress to match, no?"

Sasuke smiles, and I can't help returning the look in gratitude. If nothing else, Sasuke knows how to flatter, and I'm already feeling much more like we're back to the way we used to be, bantering easily and insulting each other in good fun and offering backhanded compliments instead of all this bashful awkward stuff. He reaches over, hesitates, then continues on to tuck my hair back behind my ear. I close my eyes briefly, relishing the sensation.

"Wear the tank top," he says, his voice quiet. "It suits you, and it suits clubbing."

I give in, straightening the shirt but mostly for show. "Fine. But only since you like it that much." I grab my favourite orange-and-black jacket to layer up in the cold, though. "Happy?"

He nods. "Very."

I have to smile. "Good. I need something to eat now, how about you?"

"I did say I was coming _after_ dinner, didn't I?"

"Oh yeah. Whoops. I hopped in the shower right after I got home, so I haven't had time to eat." I lead us out of the room and into the kitchen. Sai's there, frying up a pan of noodles. "Hey, Sai. That smells awesome. Wanna hit me up with a portion?"

He just looks at me and raises an eyebrow.

I roll my eyes. "Okay, fine. I guess it's toast for dinner then."

"You're terrible, Naruto," Sai says with a shake of his head. "If you were only allowed to eat stuff you made yourself, you'd get scurvy or the like."

"Does that mean you'll cook for me?"

"No."

"Then I guess I'll just have to rot away."

A hand collides with the back of my head. Wincing, I turn to see Sasuke looking exasperated.

"I'll make you something, you lazy ass," he says. "Just help me get the ingredients."

"Okay," I say at once. I'd be glad to cook with Sasuke. We chat as Sai finishes up his cooking, though this means I have to endure his none too subtle jabs about putting in the effort with Sasuke but not with him. I can't tell if he's doing it just to tease me or whether he's hiding some resentment in his words, but if it's the latter he doesn't admit it. He washes up and takes his food back to his room, leaving the kitchen to me and Sasuke.

"You know," Sasuke says as he peels some boiled eggs for a Japanese-style potato salad, "you could stand to be more subtle about choosing favourites."

"I wasn't choosing favourites," I say at once, but my voice betrays me. I focus on dicing an apple. "Sai already knows I won't fuck him."

"You don't have to rub it in his face. It hurts him more than you know."

"And how do _you_ know that?"

"It's not hard to see from the outside." Sasuke rinses off the eggs to get rid of any lingering shell, then chops them up and adds them to the bowl. I follow after with the apple pieces, then go to check on the boiling potatoes.

"You make it sound like you've had a series of long, meaningful talks with him." I poke the potatoes with a stick. They're pretty much done, so I turn the heat off and drain the pot. Sasuke had the bright idea of dicing them before boiling so that they'd cook faster as well as eliminating the need to try to handle hot potatoes. Dunno why I never thought of it, but trust Sasuke to think of something that kills two birds with one stone.

"I haven't, but I did run into him at lunch the other day." He shrugs. "Where's the mayo?"

"Fridge door, middle shelf." I throw in the potatoes, shred some lettuce to add as well, and shake in a bit of salt. Then I take the mayonnaise from Sasuke and drench the mixture. "Don't judge me," I warn him pre-emptively.

He's smirking. "Too late."

"Fuck off. I like mayo."

"No matter. I've already eaten."

"Good, because I plan to save some for the weekend. This stuff is so much better overnight." I mix up the salad, load a smaller bowl with some, then cover the big bowl and shove it in the fridge before grabbing a fork and taking my food to the living room. Sasuke follows and we pile up on the couch, him sitting normally and me with my legs across his lap. I grab the remote and turn on the TV for something to have on in the background, even though I know I'm probably going to get sucked into watching it. Moving pictures with sound have a tendency to do that to you.

"So are people coming over for pre-drinks?" asks Sasuke as I flip the channels. I eventually stop on some animal documentary, because those are always interesting enough. "Did you manage to convince Sakura and Sai?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Kiba will be here, of course. Takeshi and Takeshi, Gaara, Ino, Tenten, Shino… I think Shikamaru said he was busy, though I wouldn't be surprised if he's just sleeping instead. Maybe he's up to something with Chouji. Gaara said he'd try to convince his siblings. Lee won't go clubbing, but he said he'd come to pre-drinks and drive us there."

"Hopefully he isn't planning to drink first," Sasuke says.

"Heh, no. Lee's a disastrous drunk. Tries to fight everyone, usually wins, and turns the building upside-down."

"I see." Sasuke's hand slides up the leg of my jeans, but quickly pulls back out again as Sakura comes into the living room. I sit up straight and shift over next to Sasuke so Sakura can have some room, and then Sai joins us as well and before long Kiba shows up. He has a tendency to be early when the party's at my place.

"How's everyone doing?" he asks, grinning. "Who's the newcomer? Don't think I've seen you around before."

Sasuke regards Kiba, apparently sizing him up. "I'm Sasuke. Friend of Naruto's. I do VisComm."

"Kiba, acting. Naruto, you sure make friends all over the place, don't you?"

"I can't help my irresistible magnetism," I say with a winning smile.

"You've got something stuck between your teeth," Sakura informs me. I curse, and Kiba barks out a laugh.

"By the way, Naruto," he says, "can I talk to you for a sec?"

I freeze. I should've known he'd ask – he'd said as much in his conversation with Blue earlier today. But he doesn't know I overheard that. "Sure," I say easily. "What is it?"

He looks at me like I'm daft. "I meant somewhere else."

I sigh. I'm not gonna get out of this one. "Alright, alright. We'll go to my room. Go on, get." I shove Kiba with a foot, then stand, glancing back at Sasuke as I head out of the living room. He meets my eye, a little curious, a little concerned. I try to smile reassuringly at him. In a moment he nods, but doesn't return the smile.

I follow Kiba to my room, shutting the door behind me. "So."

"So." Kiba pauses, hesitates now that we're actually here. "Have you talked to Blue at all lately?"

"Uh, well, for starters, I was his partner for skits this morning, since I recall _someone_ fucked off to ask the cute exchange student instead of his acting buddy," I say pointedly.

"Hey, you take what chances you can get," Kiba retorts, but goes on more seriously, "So how was it? He's not so bad to hang out with, is he?"

I shrug. "No. Your point?"

"My point is that maybe you should try to be a bit nicer to him."

I cross my arms. "I've been pretty damn nice to him considering the way he's treated me."

"He made a mistake. He goes and does one little thing wrong, something he didn't even know you wouldn't like, and you treat him like he's personally been out to get you since the day you started fucking him. If you're that angry, why stay with him?"

"It's not about that mistake anymore. I've gotten over that."

"Then what?"

"Kiba, do you not remember how much of a dick he was last year?" I say. "He was an arrogant, self-absorbed prick who thought that just 'cause he can bed anyone who lays eyes on him—"

"People change, Naruto! Take one look at him now and tell me he hasn't changed. You know it, I know you do. You've been less hostile towards him as he warms up to you. You're not the type to hold a grudge. It's so far removed from your nature you can't even do it if you try."

"What's your fucking point?" I snap. "First you tell me I need to be nicer to him, then you say I already am? How is it any of your business, anyway?"

"You're my friend," Kiba retorts at once, "and so's he. And… it blows, seeing you two like this. It's frustrating as fuck watching the both of you want something so much, but neither of you has the balls to actually take the leap. What do you want, Naruto? What's been eating at you?"

I open my mouth, then pause, unsure of what to say. I glower at a spot beyond Kiba's shoulder. I can't tell him. Of course I can't.

"…Naruto?" he says, more gently. "I'm serious. You've been acting weird lately. You've got a heavy burden on your shoulders, haven't you? Something you haven't told anyone yet."

"Because I can't."

"Why not? If not me, then Sakura or Sai. Just _talk_ to someone, would you? You're gonna crush yourself with the weight."

"It's none of your business," I mumble.

"Yeah, I get that. I'm just looking out for you, alright?" He sighs, and pats my shoulder. "I don't know what it is you want or why, but I think you should just go for it."

"What is it that Blue wants?" I ask, all at once. I didn't even expect the words to come out of my mouth, but I know I've been thinking about it all day.

But Kiba just shakes his head. "Why don't you ask him yourself?"

"Why? You know what it is, don't you?"

"Yes, but it's his business. Just like what you want is your business. You could tell me. I swear I wouldn't say a word."

I meet his eyes. He looks back at me, steady, reassuring. Kiba is nothing if not loyal.

"…I know you wouldn't," I say finally, dropping my gaze. "You of all people."

"Who is it, Naruto?"

I wince.

"You're not all that hard to read," he says.

I take a deep breath. "It's… Sasuke."

Kiba's eyes widen. "What, the VisComm dude? The one in the living room right this second?"

"Yeah. Him." My ears burn with a blush. I've never told anyone but Sasuke himself, and even that, as transparent as it might've been, was all in implications and flirtations and the word _want_, not the real words that matter. Need. Crave. Love.

"Alright, so… what kind of thing are we talking about here? If all you want is a fuck, you can probably just take it out on Blue. You know he'd…" Kiba trails off at the look on my face. "It's not just a fuck you want, is it?"

My heart clenches in my ribcage. "No."

Kiba sighs, runs a hand through his hair. "Guess that's a bit more complicated then. How long have you known him?"

"I dunno, a month? Does it matter?"

"Well…" Kiba seems hesitant now. "Just… how long have you been with Blue?"

"I'm not in a relationship with Blue."

"Yeah, but he deserves fair warning if you're planning to be with someone else. Just, y'know, since that's what you blew up at him about in the first place." Kiba frowns. "Is he seriously that good of a fuck? Is sex all you care about?"

"It's not about that anymore. I—" I heave a deep sigh. "I don't know what it is, Kiba. I'm stuck."

He's silent for a moment. Then he says, "You know what? I think what you need is to let loose. We'll get a couple of drinks in you and have a good night out."

"Probably a good idea," I agree. "I've been looking forward to this for ages, especially since we had to cancel last week."

"Hey, you're the one who missed all my messages."

"I didn't do it on purpose! Anyway, we're doing it right this time. Going to the club and all."

Kiba nods. "Yeah. Don't jinx it, eh?"

I smile. "Heh yeah. Knock on wood." I rap my knuckles lightly against the door. Then I jump as someone knocks back. I open the door and peek out of the crack, and Sasuke waves at me.

"Hey, Fishcakes," he says, smiling. "Just checking to make sure you guys aren't in fisticuffs or anything."

"Nah, we're cool." I open the door further and he steps in, all gentle smiles and warm looks. I can't help smiling back. Seeing Sasuke always makes things better. I glance at Kiba, who appears casual enough, but I know that look – he's watching us carefully, alert now that he knows my secret. But he won't tell a soul. I trust him a hundred and ten percent on that.

"A bunch of people have arrived by now," Sasuke's going on. He looks from me to Kiba. "Do you guys need more time, or…?"

Kiba shakes his head. "Nah, we've pretty much wrapped it up here. I'm gonna go use the bathroom," he says, and excuses himself rather tactfully.

"You okay?" asks Sasuke softly, once Kiba's left.

I meet his eye. "Yeah," I say with a small nod. "I'm alright."

"Just _alright_?" he says, humour lifting the corners of his mouth now. "Well, we can't have that, can we?"

"Absolutely not," I agree. "Come on, let's go get smashed."

A fair few people have shown up already. The name twins are predictably joking around, jointly telling a story in which Shiroi got chased around a zoo by a territorial peacock and Takeshi wouldn't stop goading the thing on. Shikamaru got dragged in by his housemate Ino, complaining about how much easier it'd be for him to just meet us at the club, or to just stay home. The minute Ino and Sakura see each other they start bickering – or maybe gossiping – or both? I can't really tell. Just as we're making ourselves comfortable in the living room, Gaara and his siblings turn up. Temari plonks herself down next to Shikamaru and immediately goads him into some sort of battle of intellect; Gaara spots me on the couch and comes to lean against the armrest.

"You seem to have been through an ordeal recently," he observes quietly. Of course, everything about Gaara has a dangerous silence to it, but it's never bothered me, even though it drives some people away from him. We have a lot in common, Gaara and I.

"I'd been having a bit of an internal battle," I reply easily, "but it's over now." That's all I need to say for Gaara to know what happened. More than anyone, Gaara understands the things I go through in my nightmares. He can sense my demon's activity to a degree, and he can always tell when I've had an attack.

"He seems… docile," Gaara says. "Subdued. Have you trained him?"

"Huh? No," I reply, confused. "I've never really been face to face with him or anything. He just chases me."

"Hm." Gaara's brows knit together. If he thinks this is strange, though, he doesn't say it. "Try turning around sometime."

I feel a touch at my elbow. "Naruto?" It's Sasuke. He was talking with Shiroi earlier, but apparently he's been listening in on my conversation with Gaara just now. "Who are you talking about?"

"No one." I smile reassuringly at him. "Don't worry about it."

Gaara turns his piercing blank eyes to Sasuke, who seems surprised at first but immediately returns the challenge, refusing to back down. Gaara doesn't move for several moments, though, until suddenly he says, "Uchiha."

Sasuke acknowledges this with a slight, wary nod. "Sasuke. And you?"

"Gaara." He turns his eyes back to me. "Keep him close. Keep _them_ close – the demon and the tamer both."

He looks me in the eye, then Sasuke, then back to me, as though trying to tell me something. Then he turns and leaves us, going to see what Kankurou's shouting about. I blink, then turn to Sasuke. "What was that all about?"

"No idea." Sasuke's still watching Gaara, looking thoughtful. "He seems… quiet."

"Ha." I shake my head. "Most people can't stand being around Gaara. Not because he's mean or arrogant or anything, but… he has an aura. You know what I mean? The minute I met him I knew we had a lot in common, so we stick together. He's not exactly sociable, but he's alright with this group. He's a surprisingly good leader when you can get him to be, though, and he's really loyal and protective around his friends and family."

Sasuke nods. "I could tell. He seems to care about you, in his own way. You've got great friends. You weren't kidding about your magnetism, hm?"

I laugh. "No, I wasn't. People just gravitate towards me! Whether I want them to or not," I add.

"Did you know Takeshi has a crush on you?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Did he tell you?"

"No, it's just painfully obvious. I feel bad for Shiroi."

"Hm." I glance over to the name twins. Shiroi's leaning in and whispering something in Takeshi's ear; Takeshi's grinning, holding a drink in one hand and sliding his other comfortingly up and down Shiroi's thigh. The whispering turns into a kiss, then a quick play-fight. I have to smile. "Shiroi knows too, you know," I tell Sasuke.

"Really?" Sasuke's eyebrows rise. "And he hasn't slit your throat yet?"

"Shiroi's not the jealous type," I say with a laugh. "In fact, he's the complete opposite of jealous. He actually seems to enjoy watching Takeshi flirt with other people. He knows at the end of the day Takeshi will always come back to him."

Sasuke's baffled. "That's impossible."

"No, just highly improbable. But yes, it can be hard for Shiroi. He tends to neglect his own wants and needs in favour of Takeshi's, and it's often to his own detriment." I remember when Shiroi came to confide in me last year. It was the only time I'd ever seen Shiroi show any weakness. Since then he's been more forward about the things he wants from Takeshi, and they do seem happier now, which is saying something because they've always seemed so great together. God, what I would do for a love like that. I guess I don't think about it much lately – after something of an incident last year, I took a break from relationships, which is what got me into my thing with Blue – but I have to admit seeing the name twins like this, content in each other, makes me ache somewhere deep inside.

Takeshi glances over and meets my eye. He smiles, then comes over, drink in hand, and plonks himself down on the armrest.

"Where's your drink, Naruto?" he asks, nudging my knee with his foot. "You're not planning to go clubbing _sober_, are you? That's not like you at all."

"Course not! I've just been busy being an overwhelmingly charismatic host."

"Oh yeah, _so_ busy. You haven't moved from that seat in the past hour! Go get your ass some alcohol." He wedges his foot under my ass and wiggles his toes, and I jump to my feet with a yelp. He's laughing, but I see his eyes light up when Shiroi comes over. "Hey, Shir. Get this guy a couple of shots, huh?"

"Not gin," I call after Shiroi as he weaves his way towards the kitchen. He looks pretty drunk. I stand up. "Maybe I should just do this myself. Want anything, Sasuke?"

"Let me take a look." He gets up too, and follows me through the crowd (our house is small, okay?) into the kitchen.

Shiroi's steadying himself against a chair at the dining table, laughing about who even knows what. I shake my head and pat his shoulder. "Go sit down, buddy. You're gonna hurt yourself."

"Grab me a beer?" he asks, as Takeshi comes to rescue him.

"Sure." Yeah right. Like he needs more alcohol. He'll probably forget by the time we're done, so I ignore his request. I grab a couple of shot glasses, then study the array of bottles laid out on our counter. "What'll it be, Sasuke?"

He shifts closer under the pretext of reaching for a bottle on my other side, then nudges his right foot against my left. I watch him read the label and lift my foot to slide it over the top of his. I swear I see his eyelids flutter. Maybe he has a foot fetish. Not my thing per se, but I'm not squicked out by it the way I know a lot of people are, so no loss there. In fact, I'm rather enjoying seeing his reactions. Sasuke might be one of those people – sometimes I sleep with a person and their kinks are just too different, and then sometimes I meet a person and it doesn't matter that their kinks aren't mine: just seeing them enjoying something makes me like it. Makes me want to give that to them, to see them writhing in pleasure…

"You seem awfully interested in that Smirnoff," I comment, smirking.

He glares at me, though the effect is dampened by the distraction of my foot on his, and puts down the bottle. "Just wondering about the alcohol content. I think something stronger would be more appropriate right now, though." He reaches across me again, making sure to elbow me in the side when I slide my toes up the inside of his pant leg, and grabs a bottle of vodka just like the one he brought last week. "How about this?"

"Sure. At least it won't taste like pine horror." I retract my foot, done teasing him for now. "What're you chasing with?"

"Air."

"Oh, we got a badass over here," I exclaim, throwing my hands up. "Fine. If that's how it is."

"You're free to take a chaser if you'd like," he says casually.

"What, and let you show me up without even trying? Think again, Duckbutt." I pour us each a shot of vodka, then pick mine up and raise it. "To idiots like us."

"Indeed." Sasuke taps his glass against mine, and we both tip back our shots. I do my best to make the vodka bypass my mouth, but it can't be entirely helped. It burns down my throat and settles in my stomach like a blue fire, rumbling and crackling and threatening to shoot back up. The alcohol hits my brain almost at once, so I'm glad I'm already leaning against the counter. Sasuke seems similarly affected, so I don't feel as bad. He puts his shot glass down on the counter a little harder than necessary. "Another?"

We take couple more shots each, and have poured ourselves more reasonable drinks before the others start shouting about drunken Jenga, where each block has a command on it (e.g. Waterfall, Never Have I Ever, drink for three counts) and whoever topples the pile has to take a shot. By the time eleven rolls around we're all pretty sloshed and ready for a wild night out. Gaara and Lee drive us all there, then Lee takes off, wishing us an eventful night. Gaara will drive a few people back, but the rest will have to take taxis. We're pretty close to campus and Sasuke murmurs in my ear on the way there that I can crash at his for the night, and I just nod and laugh because I'm at that stage of drunkenness where everything is funny. I don't even know why it's funny, but I'm imagining us swerving drunkenly home and him collapsing on his bed snoring and it's just too hilarious.

There's already a line forming at the entrance, but we're so drunk the cold doesn't matter too much. Finally we make it to the bouncers. We get carded, hand in our jackets at the coat check, then dive into a world of fog and light and sound.

* * *

Club chapter next week! I know a lot of you have been waiting for it, and were disappointed when it got cancelled earlier. I can only hope to live up to your expectations. Don't set the bar too high please; I'm not much of a jumper xD

Some quick updates on my life and some interesting news. I'm back at university and things should really be kicking off next week. I've been relieved of the possibility of being a director this year, which kind of takes the pressure off me a little, though I'll be doing the bulk of the animation on the film I'm helping with so it's not like I'm completely off the hook. Still, it means I'll have more time than previously estimated to do some things that I want.

Like NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month)! NaNo is a challenge to write 50,000 words of a story within the month of November. You don't have to finish the story, but you do have to reach the word limit, and you're not allowed to edit! It's an exercise in quantity instead of quality, neither of which I think I'm particularly lacking in, but I've always wanted to try NaNo and I have the perfect idea for what to write.

I'm going to try to sort out some of my Two Face redux during NaNo. I doubt I'll be able to finish, even if it does become condensed – if I were to finish it within even 60,000 words that'd be six times smaller than the fic – but I should be able to hack out a good portion of it. And, to keep me on track, I want to post my results each day for you guys to read! That means you get to see how Two Face changes, and possibly affect the story with your comments as I go along! Currently I'm debating whether to post it on tumblr or start a LiveJournal. I don't really understand LJ, but I'm not sure tumblr is the best platform. Anyway, I have a month to think about it. Who knows? I could still back out of NaNo entirely… but I hope not. I just wanted to give early notice. I'll keep reminding you guys about it (shameless plugging ftw) through October. If you have anything to say about NaNo, send me a PM (it might be better to leave it out of chapter reviews and avoid cluttering them up).

R+F


	22. Matchmaker

**Chapter Twenty-Two:** Matchmaker

**Words:** 3920

Oh wow it's Naruto's birthday I completely forgot aaaaa. Have an early update because I have nothing else to celebrate with.

When I was writing Two Face, I was (for most of its lifetime) underage. I'd never drunk, never been to a club. Now, writing L.U.S.T., I've been to clubs often enough to have a good sense of them. I've probably gone so few times you could still count them on your fingers, and I do tend to frequent a single club regularly instead of seeing several, and it's not like I have much experience with all the courtship and flirting, but it's safe to say I'm coming into this chapter with a lot more knowledge than I had when I was writing club scenes last.

* * *

"Hey, excuse me?"

I turn around, swaying a little, to see a girl approaching me through the crowd. She's tall, nearly my height, with dead-straight hair like ink in a high, long ponytail and bangs just brushing the tops of warm brown eyes. Sober, I'd have a little more restraint, but drunk I forget myself and give her the once-over: she's wearing a cute white blouse with enough buttons open to show a touch of cleavage between reasonably sized breasts, short enough to expose a sliver of flat, soft stomach. Her punky skirt boasts a black studded belt that hangs a little lower on one side than the other, with a hint of bright red mesh underneath giving it a little extra volume. Her legs are long and slender; her sandals are two-inch platforms with a little heel besides – so she's not actually as tall as she looks, but damn does the extra height suit her. Jewellery shines blue at her throat and ears. Finally I remember my manners and tear my eyes back up to her face to see her smiling knowingly at my obvious appraisal. I smile back, graciously. I already know this is going nowhere, but a little courtesy never hurt.

"Nice skirt," I tell her, once again letting the alcohol bypass my inhibitions. Why am I complimenting someone I'm not going to shack with?

"Thanks." She meets my gaze for only an instant, looks away, sneaks a look back. Flirting with her eyes. It's loud in the club, loud enough that even shouting doesn't always get heard, so she leans in and says in my ear, "I was wondering if I could buy you a drink."

"You could," I reply, smiling as I feel the back of her hand brush the top of my thigh, briefly, almost accidentally. She sure knows what she's doing. "You could, but I'm taken." I draw back, apologetic.

I read an instant of tension in her posture as she takes in this information, but she quickly overcomes it. "Wanna join me for a round anyway? I'll still pay."

"Well, I'm not gonna say no." I follow her to the bar.

"What'll it be?" she asks as we wait for the bartender to finish up with someone else's order.

"Just a rum and coke. What's your name?"

"It's Sui." She smiles. "I've seen you around campus."

"Oh, have you?" I'm a little surprised – but then a lot of clubgoers are from the uni, and I'm not exactly inconspicuous. "I'm Naruto. Second year acting."

"Third year, make-up."

"Sweet." The make-up artists are incredible – they work with the actors a lot; I've seen them add fifty years to a person, cover them in gashes, change their gender. They're sculptors and painters and fashionistas all in one, but all Sui's wearing right now is a bit of foundation, a touch of eyeliner, a layer of lip gloss. Just accents, nothing fancy, but she does it well. "Looking forward to graduating?"

"It's daunting, actually. I won't rest easy until I've secured a job, else it's whatever kitchen could use an extra pair of hands. Here you go." She hands me a glass (plastic, of course) and touches hers to mine before taking a sip. I'm less cautious, downing a huge gulp in one go. It's extra strong; I feel the alcohol hit my brain at once.

"This is a double," I note, surprised. I didn't notice her ordering, but doubles obviously cost more. I shoot her a smirk. "Trying to get me drunk, are you? Loosening me up?"

She just laughs. "Don't worry, I don't chase leashed dogs. If you have any available friends, though…" She leaves the thought hanging, implicit.

"I just might." Her comment about dogs instantly makes me think of Kiba. He got a little tetchy with me when we talked earlier, but I know he just had my best interests at heart. And I guess I owe him one for listening to me whine about Sasuke. "Come on, follow me."

I head back into the crowd, searching the dance floor. It's packed and I'm in danger of getting separated from Sui – after all, that's how I split from my friends every time I switched up – but she grabs my wrist and sticks close to me, and is it just me or is her thumb moving against my skin more than necessary? Leashed dog or not, she apparently doesn't mind petting them. I laugh at my own unintended innuendo, but given the situation it's not all that uncalled for.

"So what're you doing here alone if you're hooked?" she asks as we search. "Unless it was the duck-haired guy—"

"What? Oh, no, we're just… really good friends." I curse under my breath for pausing. Also for being very obviously enamoured with Sasuke. I do feel like a weight's been lifted from my shoulders since I talked to Kiba, but that doesn't mean I'm not still smitten. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, which is why it makes you do dumb stuff – you do it because you want to but when you're sober you know it isn't worth the consequences. When you're drunk you don't _care _about the consequences.

I wonder how long she's been waiting to talk to me. We've already been here at least an hour, but I've been with my crowd for most of it – whether we were all together or we'd split into groups or pairs, I was always with someone I knew. And then, the moment I got separated from the name twins, this girl appeared. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd been looking for an opening; it can be pretty daunting to approach someone when they're with a group of friends who will most likely be sizing you up. It's easier to work one-on-one. "Have you been stalking me?" I ask.

"Don't flatter yourself," she says lightly. "You're just one of a few tonight that have caught my eye. You're the first I've found an opportunity to approach, though."

"Just your bad luck I'm hooked, then. But I might be able to turn that luck around." I turn a corner and nearly run into Gaara. He's asexual, though, and therefore not an option. "Oi, Gaara," I shout through the thrumming bass. "Seen Kiba around? This girl's got a bone to pick with him." Or to chew. Or lick, if that sounds too violent.

Gaara just shakes his head silently, glaring at Sui the way he glares at everyone new. If some people have a tendency to get over-protective of their friends, Gaara's the most distrusting guard dog you'll ever meet. (Again with the dog analogies. I'm on a roll.) I know right away that he's judging Sui, wary of her proximity to me, wary of the way she holds my wrist. I figure it's probably better to move on, so I just tell him thanks and keep going.

"What's with him?" Sui asks.

"It takes a certain kind of person to get along with Gaara," I reply. "It's nothing against you personally, I promise. Anyway, he's ace, so he won't be interested."

We're not two steps further when someone grabs me from behind, laughing in my ear. I whip around, but they cling on, so I have to pull them off me before I can actually turn to face them. It's Takeshi, giggling and holding my arm in a death grip to stop himself from falling over.

"Hey, Naruto," he says, "I thought you had the hots for Sasuke. What's with the girl?"

I sigh. "My hots for anyone have nothing to do with this. Have you seen Kiba around?"

"Answer my question!" He leans in close, smiling drunkenly. Why does everyone I know turn into an idiot when drunk? I pat him on the shoulder, trying to fend off his less-than-subtle advances. He seems to decide I'm not going to be of much use and turns to Sui, draping himself over my shoulders to grin at her. "Hey there, hot stuff. What's your name?"

She smiles charmingly. "I'm Sui. And you are?"

"Also leashed," I reply, seeing Shiroi coming through the crowd. "A very long leash, but a leash all the same. Maybe just a collar."

"I'm not necessarily looking to get a dog tag," Sui replies easily; she's seen Shiroi too. "Just want to have a little fun."

But Takeshi shakes his head. "Sorry, I don't roll in the hay with just anyone." As if on cue, he gets off me and reaches out, and Shiroi slides a hand into his. They're the kind of couple whose overwhelming love goes beyond sickening and loops right back around to amazing. Shiroi looks from me to Sui and back, the question in his eyes. Takeshi says, "Naruto reckons Kiba could use a good lay."

"I think I saw him over there," says Shiroi, pointing. He seems more sober now than he was at my place, though Takeshi's drunker if anything. Takeshi's hand is sliding against Shiroi's leg in a rather telling way, though, so I decide to leave them be.

"Alright, we'll check that way. Thanks, guys." I sigh as they disappear into the crowd. "Well, they take care of each other."

"I can imagine. What's this Kiba look like, anyway? What am I keeping an eye out for?"

"He's about my height, short brown hair, black eyes. I think he's wearing a jacket, the insane fucker."

"I hope you meant that last bit literally."

I laugh, slightly horrified. "I wouldn't know. I've never slept with him. Hey, Sasuke, have you seen – oh."

As I push through the crowd towards a certain duck-tailed hairstyle, I realize he's not alone. He's standing by the wall at the edge of the dance floor, bottle in hand, and a couple of girls are fawning over him like lovelorn fools. I just shake my head, knowing they stand no chance. I briefly consider how attracted Sasuke might be to a girl if Sui or one of the make-up artists made her look like a guy. It's certainly an experiment worth bringing up one day, but for now I head over to rescue him.

"Hey, Duckbutt," I call. He looks up, hope and relief instantly lighting his eyes. He smiles when he sees me, and the girls swoon. Then he falters as he notices Sui behind me.

"Who's the chick, Fishcakes?" he asks. Not a wording I'd expected from him, but then when he comes off the wall he sways a little and I realize he's probably pretty sloshed too.

"This is Sui. She tried to pick me up," I say with a laugh. "I'm looking for Kiba; she might have more luck with him."

"I see." Sasuke relaxes a little, though I still read a line of tension as he glances at Sui, completely ignoring her stunning body. "I saw him earlier, but only briefly. You've really lost him in this tiny place?"

"There are a lot of people here," I retort. "I wonder if he went outside…"

Sasuke shrugs I-don't-know-and-I-don't-care.

"Hey, you scared his fangirls away," Sui notes. Indeed, the girls seem to have vanished, though for what reason I can't begin to say.

"Good," says Sasuke. "Maybe I should stick with you, in case you're some sort of fangirl repellent."

"Hey, I could easily be a fangirl too," says Sui, "and I'm not going anywhere."

"Save it, Sui. I don't swing your way."

She laughs uproariously at this. "Bold! I like it. So now I'm standing next to two hot hunks I can't take home. Come on, Naruto, you're letting me down."

"Sorry, sorry. The search continues then. You coming, Sasuke?"

"Yeah. Better than being alone and an easy target."

"Well, who knows?" says Sui as we set off once more. "You might get approached by a guy instead. I know this isn't a gay club, but it is in the Triangle area. People here are pretty open to various sexualities."

He nods like this isn't new to him, but doesn't say anything rude this time. Maybe he's taken a liking to her. "It is one of the better clubs in the Triangle. At least I feel like I actually stand a chance in hell finding someone. I'm not looking tonight, though."

"Great, then you can help me! Attract some straight boys, will you?"

"No need. Kiba! Here, doggy! Here boy!"

Kiba scowls at me, nearly baring his fang-like canines, but comes over nonetheless. "What have I told you about the dog jokes?"

"That they're hilarious and I should keep saying them," I reply at once. "Kiba, meet Sui. Sui, this is my canine friend Kiba. He's my partner in crime at school."

"I see that birds of a feather flock together," she says, looking Kiba over. She looks satisfied. Kiba, on the other hand, is practically drooling.

"First dogs, now birds?" I shake my head. "Well, we'll let you two lovebirds be, then," I say, sniggering, watching Kiba try to put himself back together. Luckily for him, Sui seems to find his astonishment cute.

"So, Kiba. Wanna buy me a drink?" she asks. Either she's spent her drinks-to-pick-up-boys-with quota or Kiba's just being way too obvious. Probably the latter. They head off in the direction of the bar.

I feel a touch on my arm and turn. It's Sasuke, close enough for me to feel his body heat, to smell the scent of his hair. Shit, I almost forgot how good he smells. He gestures wordlessly and I follow him to the bar, a different one from the one Kiba and Sui are at to avoid any awkwardness. We each knock back a couple of shots, then head onto the dance floor. I'm already giddy with anticipation. I watch him as he moves into the crowd, searching for a bit of space, moving subtly with the beat as he gets into the music. I have to admit he seemed pretty stiff earlier, like he wasn't enjoying himself. I know he's not really one for huge groups and parties and stuff – even tonight at my place he stuck close to me, becoming quieter as more people showed up – but now as he turns to face me and holds a hand out, beckoning me closer to him, he smiles and focuses on only me and it's like he shuts out the world around him in order to let loose.

I, on the other hand, revel in the club's atmosphere; I feel every beat resonate with me as well as with everyone around me, uniting us, filling us with a common feeling. The energy of the club is heady and intoxicating. It adds to the alcohol already coursing through my veins, freeing me, and when I dance I dance with everyone, for everyone. For myself and Sasuke and everyone around me – being around people charges me with fire and life, and I channel all this power into my dancing and do my best to impress Sasuke.

We dance separately at first, watching each other, sizing each other up. Sasuke's a good dancer, but I think he's impeded by a sense of self-consciousness, like he's expecting someone to see him and think he's not good at it. Which, ironically, is the only thing holding him back. "Loosen up," I tell him, leaning in to make myself heard. "Dance like no one's watching."

"Easy for you to say," he replies, closing the gap between us.

I shake my head. "I have to dance like the whole world is watching."

"Show-off."

"You like it."

"Maybe I do." He leans in, his lips so close to my ear that I can feel my skin tingle, and murmurs, "How about I dance just for you?"

"I think I'd like that," I reply with a smile. "Do what works for you, Sasuke. Confidence is sexy."

"Is that so?" He pulls back and smirks, and something in his demeanour changes. His movements become more fluid, more sensual. We maintain a distance between us, a tiny space under constant threat of being breached, never touching but always close. The flashing lights reflect in his irises as we watch each other.

"I've heard it said," Sasuke begins, "that those who are good on the dance floor are also good on the mattress."

I shoot back, "Don't be so conceited, Duckbutt."

"Touché. I've also heard it said that mortals who tame Sex Gods must be quite skilled themselves." He looks triumphant – there's obviously no way I can turn that back on him. I wonder when it became a contest to try to one-up each other's compliments, but there's no way I'm going to lose.

"Ah, but then it must also take a special kind of person to attract a Sex God's equal, no?"

"Perhaps, but there's no guarantee that your standards are necessarily high."

"You can only expect so much from someone you've never fucked before."

He sighs and concedes. "That's the problem with finding someone to share your bed, isn't it? There's no guarantee the product works until you've already opened the package."

"That's what customer reviews are for," I reply mischievously. "And when your number one customer is a Sex God—"

"Yes, yes," he says, impatient. He's probably tired of hearing me brag about Blue. "Well, what about me? You don't know that I'd be any good in bed."

"I'm willing to take the chance," I say easily.

"Is that so?" He comes even closer, barely inches of space between us now. I can feel my skin tingling; I want so badly to touch him, to place my hands against his body and feel him here, close to me, in front of me, with me; but in the context of the club, where everything is sensual, everything is an advance, it'd be even more incriminating than in private or even in public. He seems to read my desire in my eyes, echoing it with his own, adding a touch of bitter frustration, which I feel click into place within me at once.

"…Yeah. It is." I feel my eyelids drop a little, fluttering to stay open. I swallow, my throat suddenly dry, my heart pounding, my head light.

"Because I'd love to do my best to impress you," he goes on. "You know that."

I nod. I watch as his tongue flicks out between his lips and slides across them, leaving them glistening and slightly parted. I watch his body move in time with the music, his hips shifting, tantalizing, tempting. He lifts his hands and holds them just next to my hips, not touching, but longing: he wants it and I want it and the longing is so strong that I can feel it amplified between us, multiplied tenfold as we match frequencies and resonate with each other. There's an electricity I've never felt before as we dance in tandem, soaring arcs of pure energy making it almost feel like we're already connected – almost, almost.

He leans in again so that he can speak in my ear, and his tone is so low and husky and sexy that it has me shivering: "You have to let me in, Naruto."

"I want to," I breathe, and I can hear the desperation in my own voice. "I do. I really do."

"Let go. Let me touch you. Let me kiss you. Let me have you."

Already I can feel my defences weakening. Just a touch, I find my mind reassuring me. Just a little contact. Isn't that something we already do? How is this any different? We're in a club, says my rational side; of course it's different. But the atmosphere and the alcohol and the sound and lights and fog and Sasuke are working together against the rational voice. They're louder and more insistent, pushing, fighting, demanding attention, and I'm aching – I can't take it anymore.

"Touch me," I whisper.

His palm brushes my side and my body explodes with sensation. If I thought this was ever going to be the same as how we usually touch, I was dead wrong: though his hands only rest on my hips, gentle, almost cautious, I feel the electricity between us a dozen times more strongly, like this contact was the spark we needed to break the dams open. I realize I've been holding my breath and quickly remind myself to breathe as I sneak my arms in between his and circle his waist, pulling him closer. I can smell him, the barest hint of cologne over the scent of his room mingled with his sweat, with the sweat and heat of the club, the smell of the fog machine, of bodies moving in close proximity for hours. My heart squeezes tight and I cling to his back, fingers digging into skin, eliciting the smallest of gasps from his lips. Still, that tiny admission of pleasure is music to my ears. I smile, feeling for the first time in ages like everything is absolutely right.

I draw back just far enough to be face-to-face with Sasuke, our noses an inch apart. Somehow we're still dancing, moving together, never missing a beat. I don't know how to describe this. It's a sensation I didn't know I wanted until I got it, and now that I'm feeling it I know I'll never let it go. I'll never be satisfied with anything less – and I get the feeling that soon I won't be satisfied with just this, either.

"Sasuke," I breathe.

"Yeah?" I can feel his breath against my skin.

"This isn't right."

He doesn't even tense up. "I don't care."

I nod.

"I don't give a damn anymore," he says, closing in slowly, oh so slowly. His head tilts slightly; his lips nearly brush mine. "You can't give me all this and then take it away. I want you, Naruto. I need you…"

"Shut up and kiss me."

And he does. Oh, does he ever – his lips are soft and sure and fierce against mine, and every movement is another flash of white-hot sensation. I slide a hand up to his shoulder and press the pad of my thumb to his racing pulse before continuing, wrapping my hand around the back of his neck and pushing my fingers up into his hair. It's soft, coarse, and short, all features I already know, but it feels so different to be feeling his hair while our lips are glued together, to be pulling him closer, to feel his hands at the small of my back and against my chest, his fingers playing at my waistband and tracing my collarbone.

"Naruto!"

We break apart faster than blinking; I feel guilt spear me through as I whip around to find a shocked Sakura staring at us.

"S-Sakura—"

Sasuke scowls and grabs my hand. "This isn't any of your business," he tells Sakura, and drags me away before either she or I can say another word. I can barely stay on my feet as he pulls me through the crowd, off the dance floor, and back out into the lobby. He reaches into my back pocket before I can, pulling out my coat check ticket and groping my ass while he's at it. I jump, but the touch fills my body with fire and I have to grasp to hold onto the feeling of guilt. It slips away like sand between my fingers, dissolving on the wind until I can barely remember why we left the club.

"Put this on," says Sasuke, throwing me my jacket. "Come on, let's go."

* * *

Oh my goodness so many metaphors and analogies. I just couldn't stop. I'm not sorry.

For those of you wondering, "ace" is a short term for "asexual," which doesn't mean the same thing in human sexuality as it does in organisms… no, it doesn't mean you want to have sex with yourself. It means you have no sexuality or don't feel sexually attracted to anyone. (You can still feel romantically attracted.) Just, y'know, clearing up any really weird misconceptions.

R+F


	23. Throes

**Chapter Twenty-Three:** Throes

**Words:** 4613

Oh wow I _completely_ forgot to update last night. In my defence, I was at a friend's house until late and very very tired when I came home (though I wrote a bit of chapter 33 before bed). And I've been pretty busy today too. Good thing for you guys I happened to remember today.

It seems that I failed to foreshadow this chapter, because it doesn't seem like anyone realized this week's chapter would be entirely smut. All I can say is that I hope this comes as a pleasant surprise, and perhaps somewhat makes up for the late update. Enjoy!

* * *

It's dark; in our urgency we can't even be bothered to switch on the lights. We're all muffled grunts and quiet hitches in breath; our winter jackets are both a blessing and a curse in that we have more to strip off of each other. Sasuke's pressing me up against the wall and tilting my head back and sucking at my pulse; I'm breathing heavily with my eyes closed and blindly feeling my way around the buttons on his shirt, thanking the gods he already had two undone because I can barely manage the rest through my cold- and alcohol-numbed sense of touch.

"Are the walls soundproof?" I ask in a rush of breath, getting fed up and ripping the last button off his shirt.

"Fuck, don't do that," he growls against my nape, "I'm gonna have to mend it later."

"Answer my question, bastard."

"Why does it matter? I'll have you screaming loud enough to wake the whole building regardless." He hastily pulls off his shirt, leaving it to drop with his waistcoat in a pile on the floor, then tugs at my tank top. "Strip, now."

I raise my arms and let him pull off the garment, not caring where he tosses it. As soon as my hands are free they're roaming his skin, gripping sides, sliding over hidden muscles, brushing nipples. His abs tighten at the contact and the sight sends a jolt of desire right to my groin. He kisses me, more hungrily, more demandingly than he did in the club, and this time he doesn't hesitate to force his tongue into my mouth. My mind goes blank for a moment as I lose myself in his taste, something dark and potent, something that has me moaning as he licks my tongue, sliding slick and hot and uncontrollable like a wildfire. I devour him, voracious. I forget I need oxygen to survive; I feel like I could live on nothing but his taste for the rest of my life, but soon my lungs remind me with a persistent ache that they need attention too and that breathing through my nose isn't going to cut it with how fast my heart's going.

Thankfully I'm not the only one; Sasuke breaks off the kiss, panting, but only to place another kiss on my cheek. I'm surprised by the tenderness of it. I almost melt at the feeling, a rare lull of peace as his lips caress my skin, as his fingers trace nonsensical patterns against my torso. Then he licks the shell of my ear and I feel my knees go weak.

"Fucking hell," I whisper, "not there."

He just laughs darkly. I can practically see the grin on his face as teeth gently dig into my earlobe and tug. My cock twitches in my pants and I hit the back of my head against the wall, feeling the impact resonate through my skull. Sasuke won't leave my ear alone; he has one hand in my hair to hold me still. I writhe and twist under his body, but it only serves to amplify the pleasure. Which of course means I'm not stopping.

Finally, when his attentions start to feel less like pleasure and more like abuse, he lets up. For a moment I'm almost worried he's going to repeat on the other ear, but it seems he's too impatient. "You're amazing," he says in a low murmur. "Absolutely fucking perfect, Naruto."

"I try," I reply with a slight smile. I freeze as teeth dig into my pulse, but Sasuke is careful, so careful, and before long he moves on, sucking hickeys into my shoulder, my collarbone.

"When we're done here," he says, "more of the marks on your body will be from me than from Blue."

I feel a shiver go down my spine at this. "Sadist."

"I'm not planning to fuck you like a virgin."

The words hit me over the head like a sledgehammer. Shit. I'm really doing this, aren't I? I'm having sex with Sasuke. I haven't said a word to Blue about this. Maybe I should've at least told him I wanted to sleep with someone else. He would've said yes, of course. I would've been guilt-free, relatively.

"Stop that," Sasuke snaps, twisting my nipple between finger and thumb, and I tense and groan, my body following to try to alleviate the pain. He lets go and rubs it gently, sending shockwaves straight down to my crotch. "You're having doubts. Stop. I refuse to rape you."

Fuck. Dammit. I grab his ass with both my hands and squeeze. "I never said I didn't want this."

"Not saying no isn't the same as saying yes." He looks me in the eye, dead serious. "Am I fucking you or not?"

I swallow against a sudden lump in my throat.

"Well?"

"…Not… not fucking," I say finally. Because for one thing, I want to be the one fucking Sasuke, but I can tell he's feeling too dominant to allow that tonight. But also because I need to find a balance between giving Sasuke something and not giving him _everything_, not yet. "Not that far. But I want you, and I want this."

He takes a deep breath, and I can see him resigning himself to disappointment. It hurts, I know, but I need at least something to keep to myself. "Okay," he says. "Fine. No fucking. Can I finger you?"

I feel goosebumps rise on my arms. "…Yes, but only if you blow me at the same time."

He smiles, a wicked gleam in his eyes. "That I can do."

In moments he's working again, blazing a furious trail of kisses down my body. He seems to find every space Blue missed, sucking at my skin, his teeth digging in to grab me, his tongue pushing as a counterpoint, leaving little dark spots surrounded by a lighter pink flush as blood rises to the surface. It's a tantalizing hint of what's to come, and I'm already straining in my jeans, my nails digging into his shoulders. More than the contact and the heat and the movement, it's just _watching_ Sasuke that turns me on, his lidded eyes as he moves downwards still, his tongue darting out from between his lips, his coarse hair and his smooth skin between my fingers. It's being here, with Sasuke, knowing he's the one doing these amazing things to me, knowing how much I want him and how much he wants me – it's all going to my head, making this a hundred times more pleasurable than having sex with a random stranger, better even than being with Blue, who's so, _so_ good at this. If there's only one good thing about how long we've waited and wanted, it's that now that we finally are together the victory is that much sweeter.

Sasuke finally descends low enough to reach my hips, and my first thought is that it's really fucking nice to see him on his knees in front of me. My second thought is that he's moving a bit fast compared to the teasing pace he was previously maintaining, but then maybe he's just getting impatient. He wrests the button of my jeans open with his teeth, the shifting and pulling of the denim making me groan. I expect the blowjob to start just as soon as he has me naked, but instead he just leaves my fly open and teases my hipbone with his mouth, one hand cupping my ass and then moving down the back of my leg, fingers pressing against the inside of my thigh.

"Don't be a tease," I murmur, gripping his hair a little tighter.

He just smirks and looks up at me. "I'll explore your body at my own pace."

My eyes narrow at this, but I find any retorts dissolving as his hand slides down, then back up again, pushing up against the crotch of my pants. I can feel his other hand working at the zippers on the sides of my boots.

"Off with them," he demands, and grabs my leg and jerks my foot off the ground. Caught off-guard, I cry out and grasp at his shoulders to try to keep my balance, but it's no good; the added weight buckles him and I feel my boot come off just as gravity pulls me down and we fall to the floor in a heap.

"F'ck," I feel more than hear Sasuke say, muffled against my stomach. "Off, idiot."

I chuckle, and then I'm laughing. What a mess we are. I feel strong hands roll me over and Sasuke sits up, but the disgruntled look on his face only adds to the hilarity.

"I hope you're enjoying ruining the mood," Sasuke grumbles.

I shake my head, trying to breathe enough to speak again. "It's not ruined," I say between giggles. "I just – oh, Sasuke."

Sasuke still looks pissed, but before he can say anything I sit up too and wrap my arms around his shoulders, pulling him in close, still trying to stop the laughing. It's too much. This is everything I want and I'm not going to let a little thing like humour ruin the mood. I bury my face in the nape of his neck to calm myself down, and I feel the tension in his body dissipate a little. He relaxes into me and puts his arms around me and I feel his cheek against my ear as he smiles too. I'm still grinning from ear to ear as I kiss his skin, then lick up his neck and nibble at his jawline.

"It's your fault, anyway," I tell him, "for grabbing my leg like that."

"I expected an actor to have a little more balance," he replies, but his hand is sliding up and down my back in a way that's more sensual than comforting, and already I can feel the heat rising in my body again. His fingers slip down the back of my boxers, just teasing at the cleft of my ass. "Come on, not on the floor," he says gruffly.

"Okay, okay. Lemme get the other boot off first," I say.

We disentangle for a moment so that we can each remove our footwear, then it's back on our feet and he's pressing me against the wall again. He reaches over to grab a pillow from his bed, then tosses it on the ground in front of me and sinks to his knees once more. I can't help sniggering.

"Hey, you don't want to be on your knees for this long without some sort of cushioning," he snaps, slapping my ass.

"I know, I know. I've been on your side of the equation enough times." I push his hair back from his forehead, and he scowls, the muscles in his forehead moving under my palm. I comb my fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp lightly, and he seems to relax, sighing.

Fuck. He's beautiful.

Sasuke slides his thumbs under my waistband, teasing me again, then pulls down my jeans. I kick them off as he bites my hip briefly, then I feel fingers worming their way into my ass crack and flinch, my muscles tensing around his fingertips. I think I see Sasuke's pupils, already wide in the darkness, dilate further.

"When's the last time you bottomed?" he asks, his voice suddenly rough.

"God, I don't even remember. Sometime in first term of first year, probably." I suck in my stomach as Sasuke's hand passes within an inch of my erection, tenting my boxers rather prominently now.

"Then there's a distinct possibility that fingering's all you're gonna be able to take for now."

"Hey, I can deal with a little pain," I snap.

"I didn't mean the pain. Don't finish too soon, okay?"

I realize what he meant and shiver. "If you keep talking like that…"

He just smirks. I scowl and, this time bracing myself against the wall for support, lift a leg and gently press my foot against his crotch. He buckles, shoulders tensing and head dropping, as I massage his cock through his pants.

"So," I say casually, "foot fetish?"

"Ngh – maybe a little." He takes a deep breath and lifts his head to glare at me. I just grin back. "I wouldn't say no to a footjob."

I laugh. "Unfortunately I'm not that dextrous with my feet. I give a mean handjob, though."

"I bet you do." He reaches up and grabs my hand, lacing our fingers together. My grin softens into a smile, which he returns just as gently. "God, you have no idea how much I'm enjoying this."

"I think I might," I reply.

"And that is?"

"Not as much as you'd be enjoying it if my cock was in your mouth right now."

He drops my hand and slaps my ass again, but he's laughing. "Point taken. Let's get this show on the road."

He wastes no time in tugging off my boxers, though it does take a little cooperation on my part since my erection's making this a bit difficult. I unabashedly reach in and grab it to keep it out of the way as he pulls off my last article of clothing, and give myself a couple of strokes for relief as I kick away the boxers. No need to have that tangling up around my ankles. Then I feel hands at my hips, stilling me, and something hot and wet and strong against my sac. I have to lock my knees to stop myself falling over again as Sasuke proceeds to suck one of my balls into his mouth, relentlessly teasing, never strong enough to actually hurt me but always on the edge, like a threat. As if having my manhood between someone's teeth isn't threat enough.

I grab the back of his head and slowly pull him off. He's careful, though, and releases me before wiping the back of his hand over his mouth, smirking.

"Get on with it," I say, impatient, stroking myself for emphasis.

"Then get your hand out of the way." He grabs my wrist and pulls my hand away, and my erection falls against his cheek. He doesn't seem to mind much, though. He just turns his head and scrapes his teeth along the sensitive skin and my vision goes spotty. He takes it slow at first – a kiss here, a lick there, and his hand circled firmly but not too tight around the base. I watch him in a trance, dazed by the sight before me. I could be content just to have this forever, but it seems Sasuke has other plans. He lifts up my erection and gives the bottom vein a long, hard lick right up to the top, then licks the head and suddenly I realize—

"Uh, Sasuke," I say quickly, trying to hold on to the thought before pleasure wipes my brain, "not to interrupt, but shouldn't we be using a condom?"

Sasuke pauses, scowls. "Well at this point it's a little late to be mentioning it."

"I know, I know. I forgot, okay?" I'm as annoyed as he is, but better late than never, probably. "Well?"

"Well… I'm clean. You're clean, right?"

Slowly I nod. "Far as I know. I got tested over the winter break just to be sure, and – _shit_—" I emit a loud string of near-unintelligible curses as I feel myself slide into his hot, slick mouth. Apparently Sasuke has decided that "clean" is fucking good enough, and I'm not sure I entirely agree but it's so hard to argue when his mouth is doing what it is to me. Anyway, blowjobs feel so much better without a layer of latex dulling the sensations.

So I resolve to put it out of my mind and maybe talk to him about it later and before long I've completely forgotten, head thudding into the wall again as he sucks with his lips around just the head of my cock, the way he might suck on my tongue or my nipple, a small but powerful sensation right where it's the most sensitive. Every time the tip of his tongue pushes into the slit of my cock, my grip tightens in his hair, and I can tell he enjoys that as much as anything else – I can tell that what he enjoys out of a blowjob, more than anything, is the reactions he can get out of his partner. And it'd be a lie to say I'm not responsive in bed, especially if you can push my buttons just right. And oh, is Sasuke ever pushing them. I can't decide whether I'm glad of or annoyed by Sasuke's obvious experience giving blowjobs, because on one hand it means he knows how much the average guy is able to take and he can read my reactions well enough to know when to keep going and when to stop, but on the other it means there are just that many more people who've fucked his mouth and shared his body who I have an immediate and unfounded grudge against.

Sasuke takes me in a little further, then further still, slowly but surely, breathing steadily through his nose. With his free hand he reaches out blindly; I see what he's doing and take his hand, guiding it to his bedside table drawer. He pulls it open and I bring out the bottle of lube for him, pressing it into his hand and shutting the drawer after. His other hand lets go of my erection as he presses another inch of my shaft into his mouth, and then it's the only thing touching me, my hand at his head to guide him as he pulls back, then pushes forward again, slowly bobbing his head. It's a torturous pace, but I let him set the speed and watch him squeeze a generous amount of lube onto his fingers before slicking them. I shift my hips forward a little to give him space, thrusting into his mouth with the movement, and he grunts.

"Shit, sorry," I mumble. He just shakes his head, providing further stimulation as the head of my cock hits the inside of each cheek in rapid succession, and I have to suppress a chuckle, though I'm smiling all the same.

He reaches around my leg with his clean hand and between them with the slicked one, and I find myself tensing at once, my already quick heartbeat speeding up further. Sasuke pulls off my cock, sucking all the while, until he parts with a wet _pop_. "I don't think I need to tell you to relax," Sasuke begins, leaning in closer to me so that his torso presses against my thigh.

"It's been a while, okay?" I say, but will myself to relax all the same as his clean fingers tug at my ass, spreading it to make room. Suddenly a wet, cold finger is sliding up from just behind my balls and I shudder, my cock jumping. He smirks, giving it a brief kiss, then detouring to nip at my hipbone again.

"I know, I know. Don't worry," he murmurs against my hip. "I'll be gentle."

I nod. "I trust you."

He smiles, and I think I feel his eyelashes brush my skin. There's something so intimate, so delicate about that sensation that I have the overwhelming urge to kiss him again. I rub circles against his shoulder blade as his finger slides up further, further until I feel it against my entrance. It's been a long, long time since anyone's touched me there, and I have to be with the right person to enjoy it. Suffice to say Sasuke is definitely the right person.

He rubs the area gently, not just allowing me to get accustomed to the feeling but also to lubricate me. Then he begins to press in, first gently, then more insistently, hooking his finger until it starts to push inside. Even with just the tip of a finger, the amount of sensation I'm feeling is incredible. It doesn't hurt, though there's a sharp edge to the pleasure, a reminder that the pain is just on the other side. I spread my feet a little, giving him a bit more room to work, and in doing so sink down a bit further onto his finger.

"How's it feel?" he asks gently. His other hand now rubs the side of my thigh reassuringly; he remains close, lips caressing skin, forearm against the inside of my other thigh as though to steady himself, though it might be just for the sake of being close, just as I want to be close to him.

The words come to my mind slowly, so I just nod. "It's… good," I mumble. "Doesn't hurt."

"Good." He pushes deeper, past the second knuckle, and I can feel him probing now, feel the way his tendons flex and harden as he curls his finger. Then he pulls it out, but only to add another. This one he takes even more slowly as the stretching begins to hurt, but as soon as his mouth is back on my erection the pain recedes. Whatever they say about the sum being worth more than its parts is true, because suddenly the blowjob is even more pleasurable with the added sensation of Sasuke's fingers inside me. I can feel his fingers edging closer to that spot I know will have me screaming, but he takes his time, whether to spare me pain or to tease me – or perhaps both. His tongue rubs against the underside of my shaft with every thrust of his mouth. His hair is dishevelled from my haphazard handling; his forehead shines with sweat; his cheeks and neck are flushed red. The urge to fuck him rises up again, more insistent now. I want him under me, I want him spread and prone, I want him screaming my name. I fight it down and offer myself an alternative.

"Hey," I grunt, my voice suddenly deeper, thick with lust. "You any good at deepthroating?"

He looks up and removes his mouth from my cock, leaving nothing but a cold sensation against the saliva that's still on my skin. "I dunno," he says, the look in his eyes wicked. "You tell me."

And then he's back to blowing me, only this time he's pushing and pushing and his fingers have found my sweet spot and are rubbing relentlessly. I can't see – I can't tell if my vision's gone black or if I've just closed my eyes and then I feel his nose against my pubic hair, and when he swallows his throat constricts around the head of my cock. I'm moaning his name over and over again, reaching for that moment of bliss—

But he doesn't let me come. Just before I reach the peak he pulls back, cutting off all contact and leaving me panting and shaky and infuriatingly hard, glaring half-heartedly at the smug look on his face.

"Come on," he says, "I'm not even out of my pants yet."

"With your size, I'm surprised," I quip, once I have enough breath to spare. Shakily I grab his arm and tug him up onto his feet; he stands and I smash my lips against his, scouring his mouth, intoxicated by the sensation of my taste mingling with his. Once I have him securely against my mouth, I slide my hands down his body to undo his trousers, fumbling with the button, impatient. He's barely out of them and his briefs before I'm pulling him over the foot of the bed, still attacking his lips, nipping his tongue, breathing him in. My back hits the mattress, my head just missing the pillow; Sasuke catches himself on all fours above me and wastes no time in dropping his hips to grind against me, and I'm moaning again.

"So, about that handjob," he smirks, still rolling his hips slowly.

"Getting there." I slide a hand down his back, feeling it dip beyond his ribs before rising up again, and cup his ass to pull him closer. I slide my hand between our bodies and then circle my fingers around his shaft. I watch his face as I begin to stroke him, slowly but with a firm grip. "How do you want it?"

"This is good for now," he murmurs, gently thrusting into my hand. "Rub your thumb against the top when you – fuck, just like that."

He picks up the pace soon enough. I'm not surprised; even if you start out slow and sensitive, it isn't long before you long for more. I let him fuck my hand for a while, my thumb becoming slick and sticky as he leaks precome, then when he slows down I start moving my hand faster, gripping tighter, pulling with each stroke. His hips twitch as I pull my hand up and twist slightly, and he lets out a small moan. His hand reaches down, pulls my leg outwards. Without any warning at all he slides a finger back into me, making me buck and arch my back. I pull harshly on his erection, forcing his hips closer to mine, then grab both our shafts – which is no mean feat with one hand – and pump us both at the same time. He's fallen to his elbows; one hand finds my hair and forces my head back and ducks down to latch onto my neck, alternating between sucking at my pulse and panting against it. Neither of us have any words to spare anymore as we focus on the building pleasure, the heat, the smell, the sounds of each other's panting and moaning. My muscles start squeezing around Sasuke's finger as I feel my orgasm approaching; he doubles his efforts rubbing against my prostate and my strokes on our cocks become erratic and I arch off the bed and shoot, hard, again and again all over our bodies with a mind-numbing strength I haven't experienced in years.

Pleasure still racks my body in waves for a minute afterwards; Sasuke's pulled his finger out of me, but is still rubbing me gently, probably more so he can feel my muscles spasming than for the sensations it gives me. Then it's all I can do not to just lie there boneless until I can breathe properly again. My hand is sticky with my seed, so I just use it as a lubricant to keep stroking Sasuke, my other hand rubbing his back.

"Sasuke," I murmur in his ear, "that has got to be the best orgasm I've ever had."

"I didn't know you were a shooter," he replies, panting as I speed up even further.

"I wasn't." I twist my grip and he grunts loudly. "It's 'cause you turn me on that much. You have no fucking idea how much I want to get you off right now."

"Is it nearly as much as I want to get off?"

"More." I lick the shell of his ear. "I want you to come all over me. Make it messy, Sasuke. Don't hold back."

"You shut your dirty mouth or I'm gonna—"

But he never finishes his sentence. I feel him pulsing in my hand and the next time I tug at his shaft he spills, moaning, thick white liquid pooling on my abs. I pull again, squeezing the head, and another spurt comes out. I milk him until he's done, until he's trembling on his knees and his breath scorches my skin.

"Fuck," he gasps finally. "No wonder the Sex God wants to keep you."

I smile automatically, but my heart fills with lead.

* * *

I'm surprised this chapter got to be as long as it is, considering it's entirely smut. I tend to have trouble writing interesting sex scenes, but this one was fun.

Though I've written about sex using condoms before, I don't think I've really ever addressed it this way until now. Part of me wants to say "this isn't reality, so it's okay not to use condoms," but another part of me feels like I need to be a positive role model. Just because it's not reality doesn't mean it can't affect reality.

Also, consent! Consent is important. I enjoy dubcon as much as the next fanfic writer, but in the interest of realism and possibly romantic-ness, Sasuke wants to make sure Naruto's completely committed to this idea, since Naruto's the one who was having all the doubts.

Also also, in the spirit of dispelling false beliefs, intercourse is not the only kind of sex. Naruto talks about a blowjob as "having sex" because it totally is. I'm not saying they'll never get to the intercourse, though.

Sigh. I'm always torn between getting the right message across and feeling like I'm the safe sex police or something. Ultimately I just want everyone to be safe and not have the wrong impression about what sex is, should be, and can be.

R+F

P.S. Please let's not have any arguments about whether this is "SasuNaru" or "NaruSasu." I'm done with the seme/uke roles and fixed positions.

P.P.S. I've decided to post my NaNoWriMo progress on tumblr. If you'd like to see Two Face reduxed in a mad writing frenzy over the month of November, be sure to check ravenandfox DOT tumblr DOT com!


	24. A Bird Called Freedom

**Chapter Twenty-Four:** A Bird Called Freedom

**Words: **3893

Oh gosh I'm so sorry for not updating on Friday! See, I went to MCM Expo London this weekend (and forgot to tell everyone too) and I was so super busy and had to sleep early that it completely slipped my mind. Unfortunately chapter 25 might have to be delayed as well because I need to fix up some things, but I don't know if I can get it done in time for Friday. I will try my hardest!

This is possibly the longest chapter title I've ever had. It's also one of the quickest chapters to be titled – many don't get a name until long after I've finished writing them.

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I wake up with my head pulsing lightly, more with echoes of the club than due to a hangover. It doesn't hurt, thankfully. Due to some sort of extraordinary healing power, I never get hangovers. It also means other injuries heal quickly, like cuts and bruises and even more serious ones like broken bones. Even last night, when I was with Sasuke, Blue's hickeys had nearly—

…_Fuck_.

I bolt upright. Rather, I try to bolt upright, but arms around my waist have me pretty much locked down. They tighten at my struggle, then I feel eyelashes brush my back as Sasuke opens his eyes, awakened by my sudden movement.

"Naruto, it's the crack of dawn," he mumbles, burrowing his face into my hair. "Go back to sleep."

I can't. I can't go back to sleep. My heart is thudding against my ribs and panic is rising in my chest and there is no fucking way I can stay here. I wriggle, prying at Sasuke's hands.

"Stop squirming."

"Let me go," I say.

"What, you need to use the bathroom?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Sasuke—"

"Liar." He wraps a leg around mine, his nakedness reminding me very vividly of last night's events. "Why are you in such a hurry?"

"Why – because I fucking slept with you last night, Sasuke, do you not realize the implications this has?"

"Do you regret it?"

I freeze, but the rising anger in his voice has nothing to do with my answer. "No."

"Then what's the problem?"

"The problem, you asshole, is that I'm supposed to be exclusive with Blue."

"You've said yourself he doesn't give a fuck. You seemed pretty insistent about that, actually," he muses. I can feel his breath on my skin and it calls up equal measures of relief and guilt, warring within me and threatening to tear me in two.

"This isn't about him," I snap.

"Let me guess," he deadpans. "It's about you. It's always about you, isn't it?"

"That's not—"

"Well if it's not about him, what else is it going to be about? You're not being exclusive for him, you're doing it for yourself. You just happen to be lucky he's okay with that. Or unlucky, considering that now all you want is to get out of that relationship."

"All I want right now is to get out of this _room_." I wriggle again, but Sasuke only lets me turn around in his arms so that I'm facing him. "Do you know what it feels like to realize you're cheating on someone?"

"No, actually, because I've never cheated on anyone. And if I ever feel like I'm about to, I actually do something about it instead of stringing two people along."

I scowl. "What are you trying to say, Sasuke?"

At the sound of his name, Sasuke's hard-edged attitude seems to soften. His grip changes from a vicelike trap to a firm embrace. He buries his face against my neck. "Do you know how infuriating you are?"

"I feel like an asshole, does that count?"

"It's close." He sighs. "I want you, but sometimes I wonder if I don't hate you."

Ouch. "Great, okay, so what am I doing here? Was last night supposed to be hate sex? Because it sure didn't feel like it to me."

"No, it wasn't. It was…" He falters, becomes still. For a moment it seems like he isn't going to say anything, but then he finally goes on, "I guess I can kind of see your side of the equation now. It's hard to say the things that really matter."

"What kinds of things?" I ask. It sounds like the beginning of a confession, but he's being so vague that I can't begin to guess what he's talking about.

But he just shakes his head. "Go back to sleep, Naruto."

"I can't." Even just hearing those words sets my pulse quickening again. "I have to go."

"Go where? It's stupid o'clock in the morning on a Saturday and I have a killer hangover."

"Sucks to be you. I don't, and I can't be here." I finally manage to catch him off-guard and sit up.

"Is it because we were drunk?" he asks, sitting up next to me. "If we'd been sober, would you have said no?"

"I don't know."

"How can you not regret it if you're freaking out this much?"

"I don't fucking know! What's with all the questions?"

"I'm trying to help you out here."

"Well it's not working. Reminding me about all the things I did wrong isn't the way to make me feel better, surprisingly enough," I say, dripping sarcasm.

He glares. "What do you want me to do instead? Tell you everything's going to be okay? Kiss it better? I kind of got the impression that would only exacerbate the problem."

"It would, so don't even think about it." Fuck, this isn't helping. Sasuke's questions are getting me nowhere. I need time to be alone, time to think. Focus, Naruto. What can I do? Where can I go? What am I supposed to do to erase last night? Not that I really want to. I had the time of my life here with Sasuke. Against the wall I'm staring at, in the bed that we're sitting in right now. If I went back in time and could make the choice again, I'd make the same choice. Maybe I'd make different choices beforehand, but that's another matter. I can already tell there's no going back, and yet…

I think of Blue, and my heart seizes with guilt. I did the very thing I hated him so much for, the same thing I constantly suspected he might. And, unlike him, I did it while knowing the score. I was comfortable knowing Blue wouldn't impose exclusivity on me because he didn't have to. I felt like I had the freedom to escape because I didn't feel the need to. I lived in an open cage with him, never feeling the urge to escape, though I kept him chained to the cage by my words, and I became comfortable there. Everything was there for me – I was spared the need to search for a relationship, to get to know someone enough to love them, and to risk getting hurt if things went awry. But in giving up that risk, in choosing to remain in that cage, I also gave up the freedom to fly. To love. And then Sasuke came along, a little black bird called freedom, and showed me what I could have if only I left the safety of the little cage I built around the canary and the bluebird. I've flown the coop now, but how do I go back and tell the bluebird?

"So are you done freaking out now?"

I whirl around, but Sasuke's calm demeanour only serves to anger me further. "What, do you think I'm doing this because I _enjoy_ it?"

"What other reason would you have to put it off this long?" he says tetchily. "You know you could've solved this problem much sooner and with fewer repercussions."

"It's not as easy as you think!"

"Sure it is. You just go up to Blue and say, 'Let's stop sleeping together.' If he says no, he's a douche, so what've you got to lose? Great sex? From the sounds you were making last night, I doubt it could've been much better."

I thank the heavens I'm not embarrassed enough to blush. "Haven't you heard of loyalty?"

"Yeah, and you're not doing a great job at it."

"Which is why I have to leave, don't you see?"

"At this point, what does it matter anymore?" I feel his fingertips trail across my back, teasing – taunting. "Stick around for the day. Tell Blue next time you see him. Problem solved; you're mine."

For some reason it's those last two words, more than anything, that set me off. "Yeah? Well, with that attitude, I don't think I necessarily want to _be_ yours. Fuck this shit. I'm getting out of here." I get off the bed. He doesn't stop me as I hunt his room for my discarded clothes and start dressing.

"So that's it? You're just going to sleep with me and then leave? Was staying the night just a convenience to you?"

"Yes, actually," I say, more out of spite than anything else. "I wasn't about to try to leave at three in the morning."

"Why, because—" He stops suddenly. I turn, but the look on his face is one of guilt.

"What? Spit it out."

"Never mind. It was a low blow," he says. "Try learning from my example and think before you act, moron."

"Hey, it takes two to tango." I jam on my boots and zip them up.

"I wasn't the one with doubts. I have no qualms about being the one you're cheating on someone else with."

"You're—"

"Morally corrupt? Not a good person? Maybe," he admits readily, "but how is what I'm doing any worse than what you're doing? I'm not responsible for your fuck-ups. I'll accept whatever consequences I might be facing. Are you prepared to do the same?"

His glare pierces, trapping me like a butterfly pinned to a board. There's something dangerous in his eyes, a fury fuelled by pain. He holds me there a moment longer, then turns away, falling back onto his pillow and pulling the covers tighter over himself.

"Forget it," he mumbles. "If you want to leave, be my guest. Come back when you've stopped being an asshole to everyone who loves you."

"What?" I can't believe what I'm hearing. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"If you can't figure it out, you don't deserve the love in the first place. But maybe I knew that already." He mutters something else; I catch the words "hopeless" and "stupid heart" and a series of curses, but most of it is lost in his pillow. Still, it stings. Undeserving of love? When did I ever ask anyone to love me? Why is it my fault if I happen to act differently to what the person expected? And who's "everyone," anyway?

—

I decide that home is a bad place to go. Sai and Sakura will judge the fuck out of me. I can't talk to Blue about it yet, though; I need someone to help me sort out my thoughts before I go any further. Kiba would help, but with any luck he shacked up last night, so I don't want to bother him. Gaara's a nightmare when disturbed in the morning. I remember Shiroi saying last night that he and Takeshi were going to Takeshi's mom's place for the weekend, so they're out. And there's no one else I know well enough to disturb at this time of day. If I go home, though, I'll probably wake Sakura and get a severe telling-off for last night's indiscretion, so I walk instead of bussing, hoping to come up with an alternative on the way. My bus passes me twice during the walk, both times while I'm between stops. Anyway, walking is probably the only thing that's keeping me awake now. I can hardly function on eight hours of sleep, so half that isn't going to be any better. By the time I make it home the sky's gone pretty bright and I'm good and warmed up by the exercise, so I decide to sit in the park for a while and hope I don't pass out and get hypothermia.

Predictably, there's no one there, though footsteps have cut through the frost on the grass. I scuff the frost a little by the side of the path, turning the grass from a sparkling silvery green to a vivid, damp dark. I wait for it to tell me something about my situation, to become a meaningful metaphor that might provide me with some insight on why things are so fucked up, but there's nothing. It's just fucking grass. I kick more frost in frustration and go to the swings.

I sit sideways on the solid swing meant for standing on, because it's always more comfortable than the bendy ones that squeeze your thighs together. The metal chain is far too cold for my hands, so I pull my sleeves over them for a bit of protection and wrap my arms around the chain, leaning against them. I swing gently from side to side, feeling mopey and angry and guilty. I'm mad at Sasuke for his cold behaviour this morning. He's always been so nice, so helpful; how is it that sleeping with him has turned him into this asshole I no longer know? This problem involves him, so couldn't he have helped out a little?

My dad always says that if a person is angry, it's because they care. If they don't care, they won't bother sparing the energy to be angry. And of course I care. Sasuke's my friend. He's important to me. I think he's good for me, and I know I'd do my best to be good for him too. That's why, despite being angry with him, I can still feel like I want him here. I want him to sit on my lap on the swing while we kiss, or to hang from the climbing structure with me. I want to lay in the grass in summer and look for constellations with him. I want things to be okay between us so that we can spend time together, but right now he's mad and I'm mad and I just want to punch him. How am I able to feel all of those things at the same time?

I don't want to go home, but every minute I spend here is another minute in which Sakura or Sai might wake up. Maybe it's better to go now, when I might stand a chance of sneaking to my room without disturbing either of them. Then I can hole myself up there until I'm forced out by either hunger or the need to piss. On that note, I'm starving, so I stop by the convenience store on the way back.

I'm surprised to see my friend at the cash when I walk into the warmth of the store. "I thought you did evening shifts," I say.

"I'm flexible, and I need the money. What's up, Naruto? You look dead on your feet." She watches me rub my nose, trying to get some feeling back into it. "What are you doing up so early on a Saturday?"

I sigh. "It's a long story."

"My shift's only just begun and I'm already bored out of my mind. I wouldn't mind a little entertainment," she shrugs.

"It's… not really a story I feel like telling right now." Her words make me suddenly feel like not thinking about it at all.

"Okay. But if you need someone to talk to, you know what days I'm here."

I nod and start going through the aisles, grabbing some snacks and some more substantial food. I briefly consider buying a loaf of bread and surviving on sandwiches all weekend, but I might die of boredom and shame, so I just grab enough for breakfast and lunch, reminding myself I already have a food stash in my room. I take a couple of chocolate bars, too, for good measure.

"What are you, going on a camping trip on your period?" she asks as I dump all the stuff on the counter.

"Hey." I'm not really in the mood to get riled up, though. Mostly I don't want to think about anything. I just try not to close my eyes for too long lest I conk out on the counter. I try to focus on the loud, obnoxious beep each time my friend scans an item, but even that becomes a repetitive sound bent on putting me to sleep.

Eventually she shakes my shoulder. "Come on, you can't sleep here. Pay up."

I glance at the total – probably too much considering my budget and how much I'm getting for it, but I don't care right now – and fish out my wallet. I end up not giving her enough the first time because I'm not paying attention. It occurs to me, as I glance at my ID, that maybe buying some alcohol would be a good idea. Or a very bad one. Then I remember we've got leftovers at home from the party and figure maybe I can smuggle some into my room.

"Go get some sleep, huh?" she says as she hands me my bags. "Good luck making it home."

"Sure." I head back out into the cold.

Luck is on my side: Sai's door is ajar and no one's in, which means he's either out or sleeping in Sakura's bed with her. And that probably means they're not going to bother coming out. Sakura would only end up disturbing Sai if she got up to yell at me now. Still, I don't want to take any risks, so I skip the alcohol on the dining table. I quickly cross to my room and close my door before realizing I'm still wearing my coat and boots. Well, leaving them at the front would be an indicator that I'm home, so maybe it's better to keep them here for a while. Go completely incognito. I lock my bedroom door, strip to my boxers, silence my phone, carefully set my bags down by my desk, then crawl into bed and fall asleep at once.

—

I wake up late, which means skipping more meals and making my food last longer, and sneak to the bathroom while Sakura heads out to the convenience store and Sai's taking the garbage out. I work out on Sunday, listening to my music through my headphones, blocking out all thought, and shower while they're out seeing a movie. I keep the lights off and the door locked, feigning absence. In between activities, I nap or sit at my computer playing games and surfing the web. I even do some reading for my essay, I'm that bored. I choose not to sign in to Facebook or Skype in case someone sees me and I'm busted, but I do text Takeshi for a bit, lamenting my situation with Sasuke and Blue. He tells me I should come over and talk to him about it, but since they're away it'll have to be Monday. And I have class on Monday, so it'll have to be in the evening. It's the best I can get, so I resolve to get through the weekend and sort my thoughts out then.

Sakura blows up my phone with a series of texts and calls (all ignored), first angry and warning me about the beating I'm going to get when I get home, then demanding that I answer her or else I'm totally in for it when she sees me next. By Sunday night, though, she's starting to sound worried. Her texts range from "I know you're a big boy and can take care of yourself but would you just fucking text me back and tell me where you are" to "Naruto please come home I'm really worried about you they've been talking about rapists on the local news." This makes me feel really bad, but I can't exactly just waltz out of my room and say "Surprise," can I? It's just one more day. I'll make something up when I get home from class tomorrow. I'm just a bundle of good decisions lately, huh? When am I going to get the big revelation that maybe I ought to use my head for once?

_Think before you act, moron._ Sasuke's words echo in my head. He was right, of course, but like hell I was going to admit that during the argument. I did say some things in the heat of the moment. It's not like he didn't, but at least that one time he deigned to hold back. I wonder what he'd wanted to say, and why he thought it was a low blow. He sure didn't hold back in choosing to refer to the sex that night. He was right then, too – we didn't even fuck and already it was better than the sex I've been having with Blue for the past year. I mean, Blue was that good at the beginning, before the novelty wore off. It's not like he got any worse, and he's still amazing, but it stopped being such a big deal. Maybe the same will happen with Sasuke. I don't know. I do have to admit I've been reluctant to try new things with Blue, though. I let Sasuke finger me on our very first night, which I guess isn't technically new, but it isn't exactly something I'm used to either. Like I told him, it'd been a while.

Dammit, now I'm horny. And of course my first reaction to being horny is to think of calling Blue, but there is no way in hell I'm doing that. Though I have to say I haven't been holding to my exclusivity stint very well lately, I figure I should at least try not to make it worse. Now that I've gone and slept with Sasuke, I get the feeling I won't be fucking Blue anymore. Not ever. And… somehow that makes me feel almost sad. I guess I did cut it pretty close between my last fuck with Blue and my first with Sasuke, but something tells me Blue would have appreciated knowing it was the last one. On his birthday, too. Not only am I a bundle of good decisions lately, I'm also a pile of tact to boot. Lovely.

I have to face Blue in class tomorrow. With the way he's been acting, I doubt I can count on him just ignoring me and leaving me alone. I'll just have to put up with him until I can talk to Takeshi and Takeshi and sort out my thoughts. Maybe I should skip class. I'm pretty sure they said they'd be home all day. For an attendance policy that supposedly kicks you off the course after too many absences, it's ridiculously easy to just email your teachers that you're ill and get the day off. You don't even need a doctor's note unless you're trying to give them an excuse for why you can't hand something in on time. I guess they might start getting suspicious if you keep doing it, but hey, they already know I suffer from anxiety attacks, so they'd probably be more lenient with me.

God, I really am an asshole.

Okay, I've decided. Once this is all over – once things are sorted out and my life isn't a wreck anymore – I'm going to stop this. This… being dishonest, and going against what I stand for, and manipulating situations to my advantage. At least, I'll try. I'll tell Sasuke, and maybe he can help me. He can call me out when I'm being unreasonable and help me do the right thing. It's about a month late for New Year's resolutions, but then the holiday was only ever an excuse, anyway. I'm going to sort myself out and be a better person… just as soon as I'm _with_ a better person.

* * *

I only realized partway through the writing of the titular analogy that I'd used it before, in Two Face. I don't know why it didn't occur to me immediately, but anyway, now I have another bird to add to my flock! Dammit, now I want to come up with birds for all the characters. I think Shiroi would be a dove, but then of course Sasuke would have to be the raven. Decisions, decisions. What birds do you think the other characters (or these ones, if you disagree with me) would be?

R+F

P.S. Hate to break plans, especially so soon after making them, but it turns out I can't do NaNo. I've got an essay draft to write for the end of November and we all know how long essays take to write… this does mean I'll have more time to focus on L.U.S.T. though! Two Face will get reduxed eventually, just probably not while I'm in my busiest school year of all.


	25. Confessions of a Sex God

**Chapter Twenty-Five: **Confessions of a Sex God

**Words: **3147

No, I did not forget to update this time. I've been reworking already-written chapters a lot recently since my beta team has found time to be more active, and I held off posting this one until I heard back from them. Trust me, it's worth the day or two of delay! They pick up on pretty much all my slack.

* * *

When I ring the name twins' apartment flat on Monday afternoon, it's Shiroi who answers on the intercom, sounding surprised. "Oh, hey, Naruto. Haven't you got class?"

"Um… no," I reply.

"Uh huh." He doesn't seem convinced at all, but he lets me in anyway. I head up to their flat; they've unlocked the door for me, so I just knock and then go in, finding them in the kitchen, Shiroi in woolly PJs sitting at the table and Takeshi in nothing but boxers and a huge shirt making tea. I join Shiroi at the table.

"So," says Takeshi, once he's served the tea and sat down with us. "You wanted to see us so bad you'd skip class for it. Miss us that much?"

"More like I'm avoiding Blue," I say.

"What's he done?" asks Shiroi.

"Nothing – he's not the problem, not directly. You remember Friday night?"

"Not really, to be honest," Takeshi admits. "It's all kinda fuzzy in the middle. We had some killer sex after that though." He grins while Shiroi goes bright red.

"So did I," I mutter.

Takeshi looks surprised. "Did you run into Blue at the club?"

"No, I…" I heave a deep sigh. "I slept with Sasuke."

The name twins are mirrors to each other, shock and disbelief staring at me double-time. I squirm, trapped under their stares.

Shiroi's the first to recover. "You… asked Blue first, didn't you? Please tell me he knew."

Slowly I shake my head.

"Have you told him yet?"

"No…"

"You've got to," Takeshi says at once.

"He doesn't necessarily have to know," I say, but I'm not really convincing them and I'm sure as hell not convincing myself.

"He has a right to know, and you have an obligation to tell him," says Takeshi.

Shiroi reaches across the table and pats my hand. "If you're not going to tell him for his sake, tell him for your own. Get it off your chest. Do you fear rejection from him?"

"…No," I say. In fact, I almost welcome it. If he feels betrayed enough, maybe he'll break it off with me. Spare me the trouble.

"Then there's nothing stopping you from telling him. You'll feel better for it." Shiroi seems satisfied with this, but Takeshi's watching me carefully.

"You're not planning on staying with Blue, are you?" he asks, but it's not really a question.

I can't meet his eye. "There's no point. I've been trying to work up the nerve to break it off with him for a while now, but apparently it wasn't going to happen until I made some stupid mistake first."

"You're still avoiding him," he points out.

"I'll go talk to him, I promise."

"Today?"

I hesitate.

"Naruto…"

"Okay, okay." I sigh. "I'll talk to him. Today. When classes are over."

"You really should be in class right now anyway," says Shiroi. "By the way, where were you on the weekend? Sai called me yesterday asking if we'd seen you."

"Oh. I, uh…" I look away guiltily. "I went home for the weekend. To my parents' place."

"I call bullshit," Takeshi says at once. "What do you take us for, bluffing with such an obvious tone of voice?"

"Would you stop being so insulted?" I retort. "That's what my story is, in any case."

"And you didn't tell your housemates?" says Shiroi.

Takeshi shakes his head. "Don't be daft, Shir. He wasn't actually at home and he'd never planned to be, so he couldn't have told them." He turns back to me. "What I wanna know is where you _really_ were, and why you can't tell the truth."

"Well, because—" I falter. I don't really want to say. It's immature and embarrassing, and Takeshi's likely to tattle.

"We won't tell anyone," Shiroi promises. "Will we, Takeshi?"

Takeshi says nothing for a moment, then begrudgingly concedes. "Whatever. Cross my heart and hope to die."

He doesn't sound very happy about it, but I know I can trust him, especially if Shiroi's backing the promise. So I say, "I actually holed myself up in my room all weekend. I… hid from my housemates and went out for stuff while they were away."

Shiroi looks… impressed, actually. "That must have taken some skill."

"You'll have hell to pay when you see them next, though," Takeshi predicts. "Sakura ain't gonna be happy."

"Yeah, I know. What was I supposed to do, though? Sneak out and then walk back in like I'd just been gone the whole time?"

"How about just 'fess up?" Takeshi suggests. "They were worried about you."

I frown, feeling guilty for worrying my friends. Fucking hell. The sooner I fix everything, the better. "Any ideas what I can tell them?"

"The truth," Shiroi says at once.

"No can do."

Takeshi frowns. "Has anyone told you lately how much of an asshole you're being?"

"Yep."

"And you're not even trying to stop." He sighs. "I swear, Naruto, sometimes I don't know what to do with you."

"Like I said, I've made some mistakes, okay? Just let me seal this little white lie and then everyone can forget it was ever a thing."

"You know that's exactly how things like this get worse," says Takeshi. "The sooner you confess, the less trouble you'll get into. Guaranteed. Anyway, this little white lie of yours is stressing out your friends."

"I know, I know," I say, impatient and frustrated. "I'll take care of it, okay? You're not my dad, geez."

"Well, in the current absence of parental guidance, considering you did not in fact go home for the weekend, I'm getting the feeling someone has to stop you before you become a train wreck the size of the Titanic."

"I see Shiroi's taught you some big words," I grumble.

Shiroi raises an eyebrow. "You're not very witty when you're irritated."

"You're not very attractive, either," Takeshi adds.

"I beg to differ. When they say I'm 'hot and bothered,' they don't mean temperature."

"Who's 'they,' the voices in your head?"

"The voice in my head doesn't speak."

That shuts him up for a bit. It's a low blow – most people don't dare to say anything even slightly negative about me when it comes to my anxiety attacks, in case they accidentally insult me somehow. For a moment I consider whether Sasuke's low blow on Saturday morning might not have been about that.

I want to talk to him. I want to see him. I want to walk up to him and have him say, "Hey, Fishcakes," but in the state we're in I'd be lucky even to get an "Oh, it's you." I want to text him, too, but I wonder if he'd ignore me. I pull out my phone and call up his text thread. The last time he texted me was on Friday. I'd missed it because I was in the shower. _I'm on my way. You'd better be ready for a wild night,_ it reads. A wild night indeed.

"I need to fix things," I say finally. "Today."

"You should call Sakura," says Shiroi.

"I meant the bit about Blue."

"You should call her anyway," says Takeshi, "but that's important too. Go to Blue and confess," says Takeshi. "Apologize. He'll forgive you."

I shake my head. "I can't apologize."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't regret it." I comb my hair back with my fingers. "I – I feel something for Sasuke that I've never felt with Blue. Something I haven't felt in over a year now, and not this strongly since, I dunno, since middle school. First loves and all that."

"So break it off with Blue," says Shiroi.

"Yeah." That's always been the solution, hasn't it? Since the beginning – since I met Sasuke. All I had to do was tell Blue it was over. Blue could go fuck who he wanted. I'd be with Sasuke. No one would be hurt, and everyone would be happy. But now I've gone and made a hypocrite of myself and Sasuke hates me and Blue's going to – to what? What can Blue do to me? I've only been holding him back here. He'll be glad to be rid of me. "Guess that's what I'll do."

"It won't be easy," Shiroi goes on. "Even if you say you don't like him, you've been with him for nearly a year. Changing the status quo is rarely simple."

"You don't think I don't know that?" I sigh. "You don't think that's the number one reason I haven't already done it?"

"I know. But if it's what you really want, you have to."

"…Yeah." I feel better now, even though I already knew the answer. I've had all weekend to think about it and all I did was avoid the problem, avoid everything. But hearing someone else say it has been good. Soon this will all be over. I relax in my chair. There's no point in going right now; Blue will still be in class, but I'll go to campus after classes to tell him. "How are you two, then? Had a good weekend?"

Takeshi smiles. "Yeah. I'm guessing you left pretty early on Friday, 'cause I didn't see you much. You should've seen Temari, dragging Shikamaru's semi-conscious ass to the taxi."

I laugh. "Nothing new, then."

We chat for a little while. I'm antsy, even though I know there's nothing I can do right at this moment. I decide to text Blue ahead and tell him to meet me when class is over, only to find he's already left a message asking where I've been.

_I haven't been feeling well,_ I send, then consider how to compose my next message. _I need to talk to you_ is too blunt. _Meet me after class_ is possibly too vague. Do I want to alert him to anything? Should I hint at some important topic? Or should I maybe just break it off through text? That's a little harsh. I hate break-ups that aren't face to face, even if this isn't quite a break-up. If I expect my partners to at least have the courtesy to tell me to my face when they're done with me, I ought to give the same, right?

Before I can decide on how to tell him, though, I receive a reply: _That sucks. Hope you're feeling better now. Is there any way you could come over tonight? I wanna ask you something._

A little warning flag goes up in my mind at this. I don't know what he wants to ask me that he can't just send in a text, but I'll bet it counts on us still sleeping together. Maybe after Friday he's gotten a craving for more interesting sex. The problem with that, of course, is that he won't be getting sex of any kind from me anymore. Now I really have to end this as soon as I can.

_I can meet you on campus after class,_ I type. I'm sure we can find somewhere to have a private talk, even if it has to be outside. I don't care. I'm not planning on staying long. I'm just gonna tell him it's over, then go to Sasuke's and ask him to be with me. My heart thuds in my chest at the thought. Tonight I'm going to be with Sasuke. Not just sexually – although I'm excited for that too; this is probably the longest I've gone without fucking someone since the winter break – but in other ways, too. We could be in a relationship. Boyfriends. The word alone thrills me.

My phone buzzes in my hand, startling me. _Okay, sounds good to me,_ is Blue's answer. _By the library?_

_Sure._ I switch back to Sasuke's text thread, wondering what to say. I spend the rest of the afternoon trying to come up with something and failing miserably. Takeshi and Takeshi can see the way it affects my mood; I get inexplicably grumpy during our conversation and eventually they have to take my phone away from me. They distract me with card games until it's time for me to go meet Blue. I thank them for their help, although honestly it was mostly stuff I already knew. I just needed that push, and someone to confide in. Takeshi sees me to the door.

"Good luck," he says, as I put on my coat and boots.

"Thanks, I'll probably need it." I smile, and he returns it with a brilliant one of his own.

"You know," he says, "it's just your bad luck I love Shiroi so much. We'd make a good couple."

This makes me laugh. "I don't think so, Takeshi. We're both a little too dumb for that."

"Maybe." He sighs wistfully. "Sasuke's a lucky guy."

"Having to put up with this train wreck?" I gesture at myself. "Oh, definitely. Blessed by the goddess of fortune and all that."

"You can be infuriating. But like you said… you're hot when you're angry." He winks. "Okay, I'll stop holding you up. Go knock 'em dead."

"Thanks."

"Not a problem. Oh, and Naruto?" he says as I step outside. "Try to let Blue down gently. He might like you more than you know."

—

Blue's already in the library when I get there, sitting on one of the couches facing the door. He beams and comes over to me when he sees me approaching.

"Hey," he says, and kisses me on the lips before I can stop him. My skin seems to burn with guilt at the contact, and I step away quickly. Doubt flashes in his eyes. He recovers, but doesn't take my hand the way he's gotten into the habit of doing. He just smiles, a little less brightly than before. "Shall we go for a walk?"

"Yeah." I turn and head out the door again, not waiting for him to follow.

We meander about the campus in mutual silence. The sky's overcast, the clouds keeping in some warmth. This is good, because I don't want something like the cold interrupting our talk.

I glance around. We're in a little park, far from the buildings, and no one else is nearby. "Wanna sit?" I ask, nodding in the direction of a bench.

"Okay."

We sit side by side on the bench. I feel unreasonably awkward, like I'm on a blind date with someone I don't really click with. But there's no point in stalling. Now's the time.

The moment I open my mouth to speak, Blue begins talking.

"I've been thinking about it for a while," he says, his voice dropping, suddenly quiet, uncertain. "A really long while. At first I… didn't believe it myself. But I've been considering, observing, and – and I know this is right."

"Katsumi—"

"I told you why I don't date, right?"

"No." Crap, I should've said yes. Actually, I shouldn't have answered at all. I remember Takeshi's words – _he might like you more than you know_ – and a terror begins to rise within me. The lunches, the talks, the New Year's resolution—

"When I was seven," he says, "I met this girl, Tory. She was – well, when you're seven, it's hard to say whether what you feel is true love. But she was my best friend for eight years and all I knew was I loved her and she loved me. I swore I'd marry her and grow old with her. She was everything to me. Do you know what that feels like?"

"I can't say I do." I sit right beside him, feeling like I'm miles away, dreading. I need to find a place to speak, to stop him before he goes too far, but it's like trying to cut stone with a cotton ball – he's obviously been planning this for a long time.

He nods, like he expected this. "I think – I don't know. I think we all set our own terms for what love is to us. And I don't know if it's possible to know what true love is that early in life, but it doesn't matter. It was real. We lost – no, more like _gave_ our virginity to each other. And then one day she told me it was over." Blue's staring at his hands in his lap, his eyes glossy. I think he might be trembling. "I found out later – nearly a year later – she'd had leukaemia. She didn't make it. She never told me. But by then I'd already had my heart broken and my future shattered. So I told myself I wouldn't give it away again, that I'd only fuck and never date."

"How dramatic of you." It's not the most sensitive thing I could say in this situation, but he's framed it pretty plainly as it is, and anyway we spend enough time analyzing this kind of thing in class that it becomes second nature in our daily lives as well.

"It was. And futile," he says with a nod of agreement. "Maybe – maybe I should've seen it coming. I practically set myself up for it. I guess, after so many years, I forgot the reason I don't do exclusivity. It just became my default. But then you, Naruto. Everyone I've ever asked to fuck has either shared my feelings about sleeping around or been dating. I've never known someone to straddle both sides."

I shake my head. "It's pointless. In the end it means I don't get either."

"It does, doesn't it? It means you can't fuck whoever you want, but you can't have love either. But I guess sometimes you have to make the choice."

There, that seems like a window for me to get a word in for once. "I've made mine."

"So have I." He looks at me, meets my eye, and the words leave me again. "I'm choosing something I never thought I'd choose again. Or maybe it was never a choice in the first place. I didn't choose to feel this way. I couldn't tell you why I do. But I've thought about it long and hard and I know it's the truth. I know you've been avoiding dating too, and I'm sure you have your own reasons, and… I know you don't like me, but I've been trying to change. To be a better person." He shakes his head. "Sorry, I'm rambling. It's just… it's so hard to say when you're not seven and fearless."

Here it comes. It's now or never. "Katsumi, I think we need to—"

"Naruto, I love you. Will you be my boyfriend?"

I stare. For all that I saw it coming like a train collision, nothing would have prepared me for the look of absolute trust in his eyes and the torrent of emotions it sends at me.

"I—"

He's watching me, expectant. There's no doubt or fear in his eyes, just hope.

"I… need to think about it," I say, and run.

* * *

Some people have sex early. Really early. Sometimes it's even of their own choice. Laws won't stop that, but proper sex education can certainly help, and also helps those people not make potentially life-threatening mistakes. I like to think Blue got his sex ed.

R+F


	26. Flashback

**Chapter Twenty-Six:** Flashback

**Words:** 6677

Darn last-minute plans! At this rate I've pretty much given up on L.U.S.T. having any sort of regular update schedule. I will do my best to update it once a week, but with changes to be made and my Real Life being kinda busy, I can't guarantee it.

This update in particular was pretty crazy because I decided, on the day _after _I was meant to update, that I needed to insert an entire chapter that I hadn't thought of before then, and it took a LOT of work between me and my amazing betas to make it the best possible thing. But it is here now and it's really helped flesh out the story, so in the end I think it's worth the wait.

* * *

_Ten Months Ago_

"Remind me why we're here again?" Kiba grumbled over the chatter of the crowd and the thumping music, as we fought through the crowded house.

"'Cause we want to be social," I replied. "It's March and we haven't been to any of the actors' house parties yet. There are second and third years to suck up to, and hot people to sleep with."

"You're already looking to hook up again?"

"What, can't a guy wanna get laid without all the relationship drama?" I pushed past a group of guys I recognized from our year. I'd chatted to them earlier tonight, but they were all straight. Funny, considering the stereotypes surrounding male actors. Well, birds of a feather flocked together. Maybe I'd find more open-minded dudes elsewhere. Or a sexy lady. I wasn't feeling picky.

I found a corner of the living room that wasn't packed with people and squeezed into it, Kiba following behind. "Look," I said, already scanning the crowd. "It's been a while since I got laid, alright? What with… the _Incident_, as Sakura likes to call it… and all."

"Dude, the Incident was a month ago."

"Yeah, and I'm still not quite healed." I heaved a sigh. "Just… do a friend a favour and be my wingman for the night, 'kay? I'm gonna get something to drink. Be right back."

I left Kiba and dove back into the crowd, taking my time, trying to make myself look approachable and, also importantly, sexy. I didn't have much in my wardrobe that was particularly sexy, but I'd been working out a lot more lately and it showed through the tight shirt I was wearing, so I was feeling alright about myself, and I'd always believed in the idea that confidence was one of the biggest factors in being attractive. I'd been sort of down in the dumps lately, after the Incident, but it'd been a while and I was getting frisky. By now I was ready to get it on. I'd nearly reached the kitchen when I bumped into someone.

An annoyed voice said, "Watch it, huh?"

"Sorry," I said, turning around. My vision was immediately assaulted with blue.

I blinked and tried again. He was tall, skinny, and wearing nothing but blue. His light, washed skinny jeans hugged his stick-like legs; a tight fitting, electric blue, sleeveless shirt rode up to reveal a hint of stomach; blue armbands and bracelets ringed his wrists; his hair was dyed the colour of the sky. Even his eyes were blue, so light they were like ice. But the look in them was anything but cold, sending a rush of desire through my body.

This guy was _hot_. I suddenly found my throat dry, my mind blank. It took me a moment to realize I recognized him – I'd seen him around campus once or twice. I hadn't known he was an actor.

"Oh, it's no problem," he said, all irritation vanishing at once, replaced by what I could only parse as a seductive bearing. "I'm alright."

I realized he was watching me – no, _staring _at me was more like it – and quickly cleared my throat. "You in second year?" I asked, trying to play it cool. "I don't recognize you."

"Nope, first year. I transferred into acting from film last week," he explained. Even his voice was like sex, and the way he looked at me was like he was fucking me with his eyes. There was a hunger to his gaze, a raw and primal desire.

"I see." Still, I was surprised I hadn't noticed him, considering how colourful he was. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto, you?"

"Yamashita Katsumi." He held out his hand, and I reached out to shake it. His fingers brushed the middle of my palm, sending a twinge of sensation down my arm; as he let go, his thumb slid over the back of my hand. When I met his eye, there was an edge to his smile. "So," he said, "Wanna get something to drink?"

We headed into the kitchen together, Katsumi leading the way. I watched him as he walked, swaying slightly to the beat. The only way to describe his movements was _sensual_. I knew he could tell I was staring as his ass.

"I work as a bartender sometimes," he said, once we reached the counter that held all the drinks people had brought. "I'll mix something up for you. What'll it be?"

I glanced over the bottles, then smirked. "How about a blowjob?"

Katsumi smiled knowingly. "I doubt anyone's brought Kahlúa," he said, "but I've got the supplies at home, if you don't mind waiting 'til later tonight. I can do a pretty good one," he added with a wink.

Well, my plans for the night were pretty much set in stone now. "Deal. A rum and coke will have to do, then."

He poured us each a drink, then offered me one. "Cheers," he said.

"Cheers." I tapped my glass against his and we drank. It was strong, though I was used to shots by now anyway. "We should probably clear out in case someone else wants drinks."

"They can wait." He took another deep swig from his glass.

I raised an eyebrow. He noticed over the top of his glass, then rolled his eyes.

"Oh, fine," he said, topping up his glass with more rum. "Lead the way."

There was no way I was going to beat his sexy walk, but I still danced subtly to the music as I navigated the house again. I found an empty space on the couch and took it, leaving room on my other side for Katsumi. Instead, though, he opted to sit on the arm of the couch, his feet near my thigh. I glanced over briefly. God his ankles were skinny. "Guess you got lucky, having a house party happening so soon after you transferred in," I said.

"Getting lucky isn't exactly novel to me," he quipped, a playful smirk on his face. "Well, it wasn't entirely coincidental. I made friends pretty quickly, and they mentioned I ought to get to know people. So in a way I'm the reason this is happening."

That sounded a bit arrogant – he wasn't even playing it off with a humorous tone; he seemed completely sincere despite his offhand tone. I let it go for now. "Oh, so you're the hip, happening thing around here, are you?" I joked.

"Well I don't know if you've heard the word going around campus about a certain Blue God…"

I stared. "What, the sex god of Konoha campus? That's you?" No wonder the rumours were so incredible. In my experience, gossip about a person who was attractive or good in bed was usually underwhelming because people had different ideas of what was attractive to them or what turned them on. But Katsumi had the kind of ubiquitous attractiveness that was reserved for celebrities, not everyday people, and certainly not ones willing to offer you a blowjob.

"They don't call me Blue for no reason," he said with a smile. "You might say you're the lucky one tonight, Naruto."

"No kidding," I said, still somewhat amazed. It must have been some kind of miracle for me to accidentally bump into someone like Katsumi, and for him to be the first person I talked to tonight. I supposed I didn't need a wingman after all – oh.

I'd completely forgotten about Kiba.

Oh well. Katsumi was sliding his feet under my thigh, sending tingles through my leg. I pulled out my phone, texted Kiba to let him know I'd found a potential partner, then set it to silent before putting it back. Then I snuck my hand behind Katsumi's ankles. "So, why me? You knew I was in first year, so you must've noticed me earlier."

He laughed seductively. "Don't get the wrong idea, babe. I just keep tabs on how to access the people I want. I've been keeping an eye out for potential… partners, as one might put it – of a strictly casual sort, I might add."

"Good, because I'm not looking for commitment right now," I replied. "It's a long story."

"Never heard a short one. Spare me, hm?"

I frowned. "Did I say I was about to spill?"

"Hope not. I don't do dating," he said with a slight shrug, "so I think this'll work out. Most of the people I've talked to have been in a relationship or looking for one. Not that that necessarily stopped me from sleeping with them," he added. "I can usually just ignore them when they start pining after me. I've had my eye on your ass in the past few days, though, so I like to hear this isn't going to get messy feelings-wise."

"I'm done with messy feelings," I muttered. It didn't look like I was going to run into any of those with this guy, considering the way he was eyeing me more like fresh meat than like an actual person. He wiggled his toes as my fingers slid further up, and a chill went up my spine. I pulled my hand away, then propped my elbow against the arm of the couch and let my palm lie flat on his thigh. "I need to just let loose for a bit."

"That's the spirit." Katsumi smiled. I squeezed his thigh briefly, and his leg twitched outward slightly in response. It was subtle, but I could swear his hips rocked forward a little too. His eyelids were half-hooded, lips tantalizingly parted. Images of pinning him in bed suddenly filled my mind.

Talking with Katsumi wasn't exactly riveting, but it was part of the courtship dance, I supposed. Mostly I just wanted to get out of here and find somewhere private to fuck him. I pressed my fingers against the inside of his thigh, just below his crotch, then let go of him entirely – but not without sliding my hand back down his thigh first. I stood, stretching briefly and allowing my shirt to ride up slightly. "You got anyone to see here, or d'you wanna bust this joint and head somewhere… quieter?" I asked.

"I've accomplished what I wanted to do here," he said, also standing. The lack of space in the house meant he was right up close to me, bright eyes staring into mine, tantalizing. "We'll get a taxi back to my place."

"Works for me. We'll see if the rumours about you are true, hm?"

"I promise I'll do my best," he replied with a seductive smile. "After all, I have a reputation to uphold."

—

Sleeping with Katsumi was, to put it lightly, fucking amazing. He deserved every good word of the rumours about him. The bragging got a little grating on the ears, but it was hard to refute – every word was objectively and undeniably true. After a few months of less-than-stellar sex and then a long and complicated break-up and subsequent complete celibacy, I would've been happy to settle for anyone half-decent in bed. Katsumi had shot right past decent, sailed through fantastic territory, and settled somewhere off in the distant land of mind-blowing. He even said he'd be happy to see me again. I could only see this as a turn of good fortune after all my recent misery.

I noticed him in class the next day, for perhaps the first time. We were in a lecture, so socializing wasn't really possible then, but I spotted his bright blue hair ahead of me from where I was sitting with Kiba. Once I'd noticed it, though, it proved rather distracting. I could see just a bit of his face from here – the high cheekbone, the fine eyelashes, the occasional flash of a bright eye as he glanced over to talk with his friend sitting next to him. It was making me restless. I resolved to grab him after class, drag him into the nearest vacated room, and fuck him against the wall. Or the door. Or a desk, if there was one. I wasn't picky.

But things didn't quite turn out that way. After the lecture I had a session on how to use electronic library resources, which was possibly the most boring and self-explanatory hour of my life, and Katsumi wasn't in my group. Those who had their sessions later were supposed to be in the studio rehearsing, but when I got there Katsumi was nowhere to be seen. I checked the schedule to see if his group was supposed to be at the library, but I hadn't run into him on my way out. Sure enough, he was listed for tomorrow. Maybe he'd just gone home. I'd done that once or twice before. Well, it would have to wait until tomorrow, since I hadn't gotten his number yet. I'd gone at least a month without sex; I could handle a day.

I was just heading for the cafeteria when I heard a voice around the corner of the hall – a voice that made a shiver of desire run down my spine.

"Say that again?" said Katsumi. He was obviously talking to someone. I paused to listen under the pretext of observing a painting on the wall.

"You heard me." The guy's voice was deep, but gentle. "I really like you. I'm asking you if you want to go on a date with me."

"I'll pass."

Katsumi's answer was so sudden that it surprised me – and apparently the other guy too. "What?"

"I'm not interested. Well, if that's all…"

I heard a shifting and footsteps. Was he going to walk away just like that? After someone had worked up the courage to confess to him?

"Wait," called the other guy. "Please, just hear me out."

The footsteps stopped. "Yeah?"

"Just give me a chance. One chance, that's all I'm asking."

"I said I'm not interested."

"When are you free?"

"All the time," said Katsumi, "but that doesn't mean I want to spend my time with you."

I could practically see the dejected look on his face. "Why?"

"Well, 'cause I don't really like you. I don't really know you. And you don't know me."

"That's the point of the date – to get to know each other."

"I don't feel like getting to know you. I got to know your dick," he said, "and once was enough."

There was a long silence.

"Somehow I'd gotten the impression you were a nice person," said the other guy.

"Can't imagine why." The footsteps resumed, coming in my direction. I kept my eyes fixed on the painting. Movement appeared in my peripheral vision, then I heard his voice, dropped a couple of tones, call, "Hey, sexy."

I glanced over. He had that playful smile on, eyes roving over my body as he approached. Just the movement of his body had me entranced. He stopped right next to me, fingers teasing at my hip. It was all I could do to stop myself from grabbing him and grinding into him right there and then.

"So I was wondering if you're free tonight," he said, his tone casual but his eyes speaking volumes.

There was a movement some distance behind him. I glanced up to see a guy watching us, eyes full of anger and hurt. He had to be the guy who'd just confessed to Katsumi, and now he was watching him flirt openly with me. Katsumi knew he was there – his posture had changed ever so slightly when I'd looked past him, becoming wary for a split second before doubling in sensuality.

"How about it, Naruto?" he murmured, almost moaning my name. I had to suppress a shudder. "Wanna have a little fun?"

I glanced up once more. The other guy was gone. "I was hoping to run into you, actually," I said, forgetting about him for now. "I couldn't help overhearing your conversation earlier."

"What, with Ian? Never mind him." He trailed the back of his fingers up my arm, and I subconsciously leaned closer to him.

"You could've let him down a little more gently."

"Why bother?"

"I dunno, 'cause he has feelings? It takes guts to ask someone out."

Katsumi shrugged. "Why do you care? You don't know him, do you?"

"No." I frowned. "Never mind."

"Good, that's what I like to hear." He craned his neck to brush his lips against my ear, our bodies mere inches apart. I could feel his body heat. "So how about it? You still want me?"

I hooked my fingers into his front belt loops and tugged him closer. "Fuck yes."

He smirked. "Then I'll see you tonight. Same time, same place?"

"How about here and now?"

"Horny bastard." He laughed. "That's public indecency. But I know a classroom that never gets used."

Katsumi pulled away from me, then led us down the hall to a door set in a little alcove. It was unlocked, so he let us in and locked the door behind us. The moment I heard the click, I grabbed him and shoved him against the wall.

We fucked hard and fast and finished just as quickly. He was just as good as last night, even though it only took a couple of minutes. Then he opened the door, peeked out to make sure the coast was clear, and let us out.

"I'm starting to think I was the lucky one after all," he said. "Why aren't there any rumours going around about you, hm, Naruto?"

I frowned. "Maybe 'cause I've only slept with enough people at the uni to count on one hand."

"Seems like a waste of your skills. I figure I may as well at least offer my talents to as many people as I can."

"So humble." I heaved a sigh. "Well, I gotta go run some errands."

"Come over tonight?"

I nodded. "Sure."

He pressed his mouth to mine, rolling his hips as we kissed. When we parted he said, "I'll give you my number in case you need to contact me."

"Right." I register it in my phone. "See you later, Blue."

"You'd better not call me that in public," he said with a small smile. "It turns me on."

I smirked at this. I leaned in and murmured, my lips brushing his ear, "I'm sure you can control yourself in public… _Blue_." I felt him shiver as I pulled back, turned around, and left.

—

"You seem pretty upbeat lately," Kiba noted a few days later, as we lined up at the water machine during break. "Things going well with Blue?"

"Sure are." I stepped up to the machine and stuck my water bottle under the nozzle to fill it up. "I must've run into some sort of miracle that night of the house party."

"Lucky bastard," Kiba grumbled. "And what do I get? I find you a hot chick, then you text me saying you've done my job for me."

I finished filling my bottle and stepped aside to let Kiba at the machine. "Didn't you end up sleeping with her in the end though?"

"Well, yeah."

"Then I don't see what you have to complain about."

"She turned out to be an asshole anyway. In the morning when we were talking, I mentioned your name. She nearly had a heart attack realizing she'd been about to sleep with… well…" He trailed off.

"You don't mean…" I sighed. "Geez, I thought I was studying out of the city to get away from that."

Kiba nodded. "Yeah. Sorry," he added quietly.

"Don't be, you didn't do anything wrong." We headed back to the studio. "I wouldn't have wanted to sleep with her anyway."

"Yeah, I don't think I'll see her again. She wasn't amazing or anything."

"It isn't easy to find someone good," I mused.

"Says the one who's regularly sleeping with the Blue God. I'm not even into guys and I'm jealous."

"Find the female equivalent," I suggested, with a lopsided grin.

"Well I've overheard some stuff about a girl in photography, but part of the stuff involves her being a massive bitch."

"Blue's a bitch." I shrugged. "Doesn't stop me."

"Yeah, I'd heard as much from the other actors." Kiba punched me lightly in the shoulder. "You're becoming a bit of a legend yourself, actually. Apparently the Blue God rarely deigns to bed the same mortal more than once or twice. They're saying you must really be something special."

"Really? Well, I guess I'm in good stead for when we get bored of each other." I pushed the studio door open and went to sit on the benches where we'd left our stuff. For a while longer we chatted and watched people come back from the break. Blue walked in with Michaela, a girl I didn't talk to much. They were chatting quietly, exchanging looks, speaking with their hands. Blue picked off a bit of fluff from Michaela's shirt. Michaela smiled.

"Naruto, you're gonna have to piss halfway through class if you keep drinking that much," Kiba said, elbowing me. "Give it a rest."

"Huh?" I put down my bottle and realized I'd nearly finished it off. "Oh. Yeah. Guess I was really thirsty."

"You spaced out, dude." He leaned in and tried to see what I was looking at, but Blue and Michaela had moved on by then. "Oh well, it'll get you out of a few minutes of improv. Come on, we'd better join in."

—

I woke up one Saturday morning with my arms wrapped around Blue's waist, pulling him in close and spooning him for warmth. It was becoming a pretty regular occurrence for me by now. The days had turned into weeks and he was still so good in bed that I could make myself put up with his attitude just to fuck him. Sometimes out of frustration, but we liked it that way too, to be honest. And I loved that about sex with Blue. I didn't have to love him to fuck him – in fact, I could hate him and fuck him, and it was an entirely different kind of sex to what I was used to. Sure, I'd gotten wild once in a while, but I'd never been able to really be fucking pissed at someone and just thrust all my anger into their body and have them _beg_ for it. It was liberating, and something about it made him all the more attractive and desirable.

"Morning," came a groggy voice from in front of me.

"Hey." I pressed my lips against the curve of his shoulder, not out of affection but just to feel his body against mine, to know that this Sex God was giving himself to me and me alone. "Wanna fuck?"

"Lemme brush my teeth first or you'll be making out with morning breath," he chuckled. I reluctantly let go of his perfect body, and he headed off to the bathroom.

I rolled over onto my back, then, too warm, continued rolling until I was on my stomach on a cold part of the mattress. I was right on the edge, but not so close that I was in danger of falling off, so I just lay there for a while and soaked in the cool sheets, letting my arm dangle off the side. My fingertips brushed the floor; I traced an idle pattern against the carpet. Then I felt a bit of fabric against my skin.

Curious, I reached out and hooked my finger on it. I rolled over onto my back again, and in doing so flung my arm across myself. A bra flew in an arc over my head and hooked itself on the corner of Blue's desk chair.

I blinked, then sat up and rubbed my eyes before looking again. Sure enough, the frilly yellow undergarment hung there, the dangling strap swinging gently. It was at least a D-cup.

Fuck. Not this again.

"Right, sorry for the hold-up," Blue was saying as he came back from the bathroom. "Where were we?"

He fell silent when he realized what I was staring at. I turned to him.

"Blue," I said slowly, "why was there a bra under your bed?"

"Huh?" He looked like he had no idea what I was talking about.

"That bra." I pointed. "I found it under the bed."

"How'd it end up on the chair then?"

Was that what he was so puzzled about? I rose to my feet, anger following hot on my heels. "Never fucking mind that; how long has that been in your room?"

"It's Tamara's. I guess she forgot it," he said with a shrug. "She'll probably want it back. Seriously, how do you forget a double-D bra? She's such an airhead, I swear."

"Answer my question."

"What's the big deal?" he asked, frowning. "A couple of days ago maybe. Do bras offend you?"

"What offends me is the fact that you've been sleeping with other people. You have, haven't you? I highly doubt this Tamara girl is your sister."

"What? No. Of course she's not." Blue crossed his arms across his bare chest. "So I slept with a couple of people. What's your point?"

"A _couple_?"

"If you want an actual count, I think it's four."

I grabbed his shoulder and pushed him against the wall, furious. "You little shithead," I snarled. "So what, I wasn't enough? It didn't matter how good you thought I was. Quantity's everything to you, is it? How long until your bedpost is whittled down to a toothpick from all the notches?"

"Hey, when did I ever say this was exclusive?"

I froze.

"What, you thought it was?" Blue raised his eyebrows. "Fuck, Naruto, I thought you knew what you were doing."

"We fuck six times a week!" I retorted. "How was I supposed to guess that you wanted your count to be seven?"

But Blue just scoffed. "Don't delude yourself, honey. I never said anything about you being the only one fucking me, alright? I can sleep with who I want."

"You can't sleep around and not _tell_ me!"

"Why does it matter anyway?" he snapped. "We're not dating. You don't have feelings for me – I know that for a fact from the way you thrust into me. So what made you think we were exclusive?"

"What—" I was seething, barely able to form words anymore. "Well, how about the fact that, I dunno, we were _sleeping together_? How insatiable are you? Why do you _need_ more than one person?"

"Hey, if someone asks, I'm not gonna turn them down."

Blue didn't seem angry. In fact, he was calming down, and it was pissing me off even more. I couldn't stand his demeanour. He saw my anger as pointless, ridiculous even. He didn't care about sleeping with multiple people at once. He didn't care about asking whether I did. He had no respect for me as a person – he only wanted my body, my skill in bed, and maybe my voice as a nice little bonus on the side. Suddenly it was absolutely clear to me: his values and mine were entirely different.

"Fine then," I spat, and pushed away from him to hunt for my clothes. "You can keep on sleeping with them. I'm done."

"What? What do you mean?" said Blue, sounding disbelieving now.

"I mean I am _done_ with this. With you. I refuse to sleep with a cheating asshole." I hated it – I hated him and I hated that I had to do this, because I _still fucking wanted him_. But if I had to make a choice, it was leaving.

"It's not fucking cheating if we're not together!"

"Then what do you call it? Whoring yourself out?"

"I wouldn't deny it."

I stopped with my arms in my shirt sleeves and turned around. Blue stood his ground, staring back at me with defiance. I'd never seen him like this before – he'd always been playful, teasing, seductive.

"I won't let you use the word 'whore' against me," he said, quiet but clear in the silence. "It doesn't hurt me."

I faltered. "Hurting you… wasn't my intent," I said, in a softer voice than I'd expected. It had been a bad choice of words. "I'm sorry. But my idea of cheating is different from yours. I won't be sleeping with you again."

Neither of us said anything more as I quickly dressed, gathered my things, and started for the exit. It wasn't until I was at his front door that he said, "Wait."

I paused with my hand on the doorknob. "You'd better have something damn good to say."

He was silent for so long I thought he'd chickened out. Then:

"I… This is going to sound weak now," he said, "but we should have asked each other about it. I assumed you'd be seeing other people too, and you assumed I wouldn't be. And you know what they say about assumptions."

"Yeah, but you were always an ass." I opened the door and left.

—

I went out that night. I spent hours at the Foxtrot, but did very little dancing; most of my time there was spent standing at the bar drinking and fuming about this morning's argument. I didn't know why I cared so much. The guy had always been a bastard. This was an excuse to be rid of his attitude, as well as the questions from those who'd found out I was a regular visitor of his. But it also meant losing the Sex God, his body and his eyes and the way he moved and his moans when I pounded into him. I couldn't get him out of my head.

Considering my surly attitude surrounding me like a dark cloud, it was a miracle I managed to hook up that night. I could only assume that somehow I'd turned all that frustration into a buzz of sexual desire. The girl I met had short hair and a shorter skirt, black with purple ruffles and ribbons crisscrossing through metal loops. She was very sweet and pretty good in bed, but she didn't even come close to comparing with Blue. I doubted anyone could, but just in case it was a gender thing, I searched for a couple more days and hooked up with a guy named Darren I met at the library. Luckily finding a bottom in the gay scene was far from difficult, and he was even better than the girl. I slept with him a few more times after that, and we warmed up to each other. He was funny and sensitive and a great cook and a talented photographer, but I'd built a wall in my heart and I wasn't ready for a relationship yet. That put Darren off somewhat, but we still slept together once in a while, when we were bored and lonely. It was hard, trying not to compare him to Blue, because I knew he – and anyone else – would always fall short. But I'd have to live with it.

We came within feet of each other sometimes, Blue and I. Mostly I ignored him. When we did have to interact, I kept it curt so that I wouldn't flip my shit in the middle of class. Once I ran into him in the studio alone after hours. He made a quip about how hard I was taking it – complete with innuendo – and I slammed him against the brick wall, ready to pin his wrists and fuck him senseless before I realized where we were and that I wasn't doing that anymore. I could have sworn he was half-hard as I let go of him, though.

I caved and told Darren about it. I couldn't not – not when I was sleeping with him, when I was so strict about cheating and seeing other people myself. I told him about Blue, about the Incident, about all my fucked-up relationships. About how many times I'd been hurt. About how angry I'd gotten when I found out Blue was sleeping around, and how much worse it would be if I actually liked the douche. About how I couldn't fall for Darren, couldn't love him, couldn't trust him.

Darren promised he wouldn't be like that. He promised that he'd take care of me, that I'd be in safe hands with him, that it would all be different. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to trust him. I very nearly did – I'd opened up to him with my insecurities and he held me, and for the briefest moment I let myself surrender.

A week later he got drunk and went home with another guy.

I couldn't handle it. I blew up at Darren, shouting accusations and calling him names and all the while trying to hold back the rising tears. I couldn't, but I couldn't let him help me, either. It was all happening again. I'd been burned so many times I ought to have been numb, but still it hurt like the first crack of the whip, tearing me open. I went to Sakura instead, and she didn't leave my side all night.

—

"Jesus," said Kiba the next day. "You look like hell."

"Don't ask." If he did, I'd break down again, and I couldn't do that in class. I barely felt like I could fake a smile. But I had to. That was what acting was like.

I was off my game that day, and it infuriated me. It shouldn't have hurt me like it did – I hadn't even been dating Darren; I shouldn't have had feelings for him, shouldn't have let myself fall for him, but I did because I always did and it got me where it always had. I couldn't act happy or excited or even frightened, but I acted out anger better than ever before. Because it was real. Because I needed to take out my frustration on someone. Everyone commended me for my performance, not knowing it was real, not knowing my smiles and laughter were fake. I hated them for not knowing. I hated this stupid acting course for being so deceptive, so dishonest. I hated Darren for his mistake and his betrayal and for how much I'd wanted him to be the one to prove everyone else wrong. I hated Blue, for being an asshole, for being unapologetic, for refusing to leave my mind even now. And, most of all, I hated myself for being weak.

"You'd better watch that rage," said a familiar voice.

I stopped on my way to the door and turned. Blue stood at the other end of the studio, casual, relaxed. The way he rested his weight more on one leg than the other made his hip jut out. His thumb was hooked through his belt loop. I couldn't fucking stop wanting him.

"What do you want?" I snapped.

"I want to talk to you." He came closer, halving the distance between us. Everyone else had left already; even the teachers were gone, leaving just the two of us. "I wanna cut a deal with you."

"I don't make deals with demons."

He barked out a laugh. "That's a new one. God I've heard, but not demon." He took another step, shifting his weight – and my attention – to his other hip. "Look, I'm not about to apologize for my lifestyle, but I'm thinking maybe we should've had a chat about certain… expectations when we started this thing."

"Thank you, Captain Obvious."

"You're welcome. Now, given that this was all a big misunderstanding—"

"I'm not sleeping with you again."

"Not even if I promise to stay exclusive?"

I paused, then stared at him. It was a hefty promise. Shallow as he was, I knew what his freedom meant to him.

"Why would you do that?" I asked carefully.

"Because you're a fucking beast in bed. And frankly, after you, no one really compares."

I glanced away, somewhat surprised because I'd had the exact same thought about him.

"I'm not in the habit of continuing to sleep with people I don't think are good in bed," he said. "And the opposite is true as well. I've run out of people to fuck thanks to a new standard they'll never live up to. If exclusive is what it takes, I'll do it."

But I wasn't going to give in so easily. "How can I be sure you won't go back on your word? You can promise all you want, but at the end of the day you're still a slut, no matter what connotation you want to attach to that word."

"Hey, I know when I meet a good fuck, alright?" He shrugged. "The truth is, you can't be sure. I don't know how I can prove it to you outside of just showing you, but for that you're gonna have to take the chance and trust me."

His words made me falter. "I can't trust you."

"Have I ever given you reason not to?"

"You've given me reason to believe you have nothing to gain from a monogamous dalliance."

"I'd be gaining back what I lost – the best fuck I've had in years. And when you go through as many people as I do, you become something of a connoisseur on the subject. Trust me when I say I know what I want, and that's you."

"I can't trust you," I repeated, "so stop asking."

"I won't even talk to another soul inappropriately so long as we're fucking. I'll swear it on whatever you like."

"How about if you do, I castrate you?" I growled.

To his credit, he didn't even flinch. "If that's how it has to be." He tilted his head ever so slightly, baring his slender neck. That simple detail – exposure – _submission _– rushed to my head in a surge of desire. I knew it was planned; I knew he was a hundred percent aware of the messages he was sending, yet I fell for it all the same. In fact, knowing he'd orchestrated it almost made it more intoxicating. He was submitting himself to me. He knew what turned me on and he wasn't afraid to lower himself. It was a vicious cycle and I'd been caught in it from the day I set eyes on him.

I forced myself to turn around and walk away. All I said was, "I'll get back to you on that one."

I left him in the studio and headed for home, but my mind churned the whole way. I could hardly believe I was even considering his offer. How could I know he wasn't just going to try and be more discreet about it? But oh, it was tempting. The idea of having the Blue God under my thumb – properly this time, assuming he held up his promise – was intoxicating. Just like he was.

I had to consider this carefully. I knew he was an asshole with no respect for others' feelings, but I also knew he never went back on his word. No, that was what people like Darren did. People I trusted. I didn't trust Blue, but I had no emotional connection to him. I knew he was an asshole. I knew what I was getting into now – I knew what he was like, both in terms of loyalty and in bed. At this point it was almost worth dealing with him sleeping around just to get to fuck him again. But I'd never tell him that lest he take it as permission. Maybe… maybe I'd just let him. Maybe it didn't matter as much as I thought it did, not when I didn't even like the guy.

A dozen betrayals flashed through my mind.

No. There was no fucking way I was letting him sleep with anyone else on the side. I didn't care how many people he'd shared his body with before, as long as they stayed in the past. As long as that number didn't increase while I was with him. As long as the Blue God was mine, he would be no one else's.

* * *

I don't normally answer questions from anonymous reviewers, but I figured now would be a good time to mention to the majority of people that that is a thing that I do not really do. If you're going to ask a question, please log in to leave your review! If you're worried about anonymity, you can send me a PM. I promise I don't bite if you don't! (If you bite I may nip back politely.)

Anyway, someone asked how long L.U.S.T. will be because Two Face is 111 chapters. My answer is probably not that long – maybe not even half that long – but other than that I don't know! I don't have a set plot, really. Fic length isn't something I've ever really been bothered about.

R+F


	27. Matters of the Heart

**Chapter Twenty-Seven: **Matters of the Heart

**Words: **6556

I keep forgetting to update on Fridays! My weekdays tend to be pretty busy. In fact, my whole term has been busy… I know everyone always goes on about "how is the week/month/year over already?", but I really do feel like each day has whizzed by impossibly fast. I've never really been at uni thinking "when will it be time to go home?" I could honestly just stay and work until they kicked me out if it weren't for annoyingly sparse bus scheduling. In fact I might just start doing that anyway and taking a more circuitous bus route.

* * *

"Where the fuck have you been?!" Sakura wails, her hug tight enough to break ribs.

"Can't – breathe – Sak'ra—"

She lets me go, then slaps me hard. "I was _this _close to filing a missing person report, you inconsiderate asshole! You could have at least answered your fucking phone!"

"The battery died and I forgot my charger," I say. My phone chooses that precise moment to alert me about a text. She slaps me again, and I quickly set it to silent, both my cheeks stinging now.

"What else are you going to lie about?" she shouts. "Went home for the weekend, I suppose? Happened to come back this morning when both Sai and I were in class?"

"Yes, actually." Short of calling my parents, there's no way she can disprove this. "And I wasn't feeling well in the morning, so I went in to uni at lunchtime."

"And you didn't think to call from home and _tell_ us?"

"I swear I told you last week."

She's still glaring at me with a look that could burn holes through my face. Finally she just lets out a noise of frustration and stomps off, muttering none too quietly about stupid boys and their stupid lies and stupid coincidences and what the fuck else has he been lying about and how is she supposed to know. I finally manage to take off my boots and coat, having been accosted in the doorway. I'm nearly at my room when hands grab my forearm and twist in opposite directions. My skin suddenly feels like it's on fire and being torn apart at the same time.

"Ow ow ow fuck Sakura fucking _stop that_!" I nearly scream before she lets me go, then clutch my arms close to myself, tears of pain prickling my eyes.

"And that," she snarls, "is for being a cheating asshole. I don't suppose you're going to tell Blue anytime soon about your little escapade with Sasuke?"

"You don't even know I did anything," I retort at once. "For all you know we went back to his place and fell asleep."

"You were making out with him on the dance floor! I highly doubt that didn't lead to worse, but even if it didn't it's still cheating!"

I don't have a comeback to this. She's right, of course. But it's not like I didn't know that already.

At my silence, Sakura falters, seeming to read the guilt in my eyes. Her anger simmers down to something less intense, still hot but no longer boiling over.

"You have to tell him," she says. "Tell Blue and apologize, Naruto."

"I – I can't."

"You have to! He'll find out, you know he will. Cheating always gets found out."

"No, I mean—" I sigh and bury my face in my hands. "Can… can I talk to you? In my room?"

At this her anger vanishes completely, replaced by curiosity and concern. "Of course," she says at once.

I let us in and drop my bag by my desk, then we sit on my bed, leaning against the wall. I hold a hand out wordlessly and Sakura takes it at once, supportive, reassuring.

"Okay, so I slept with Sasuke on Friday," I say. "Which obviously was a bad move."

"You were drunk," she says, as though trying to offer me an excuse, even though we know it's not a good one.

"I know, but I get the feeling I would've done it sober too. You don't understand, Sakura. The – the sexual tension between me and Sasuke, it's been building ever since I met him. We've wanted each other from the moment we looked at each other. Being in the club, with that atmosphere – it just became too much."

"Tell Blue," she insists. "You know he feels differently about sleeping around than you. He'll forgive you this once. Just talk to him about it."

"No, listen. This is more than just sleeping around. This – I like Sasuke. I really, really like him. He just – he's good for me, I can tell, and… and I'm an unworthy mess. He won't benefit from being with me." This isn't what I meant to tell Sakura at all, but it's just been overwhelming me lately, how many mistakes I've made, how much damage I've done. I don't know if Sasuke will forgive me. If I'm worth forgiving. I don't know what I can give him, how I can repay how much he's done for me.

"Naruto," she says softly, "sometimes things don't seem balanced like that. I know Sasuke's been great at helping you with your panic attacks, but even when I knew him as a kid, he was an independent kind of guy. Maybe he doesn't need support like you do. But that's okay. I can tell he likes being around you, and that's enough."

Slowly I nod. "I want to be the best I can be for him. I want to be a good person for him – not just to repay him, but because I want to be the person he goes to when he needs someone. Same as I want from him."

"Sounds good." She smiles. "So you're going to ask him out, is that what you're saying?"

"Well – I was going to. Tonight. I was gonna tell Blue I'm going to stop sleeping with him, and then go ask Sasuke to be with me."

"What happened?"

"He – Blue. He confessed to me. He asked me out."

Sakura takes this in for a long moment. "You know," she says finally, "I'm not surprised at all."

"I'm not either, when I think about it," I reply. "Not with the way he's been acting lately. I'm not surprised, but I sure as hell didn't expect it."

"So what are you going to do?" she asks.

"No fucking idea." I shake my head. "I told him I had to think about it."

"You couldn't have just said no?"

"He jumped me with some story about this girl he used to love and how after that he sealed his heart away and whored himself out or something, I don't even know! You expect me to reject him after he basically told me I'm the first person he's loved in seven years?"

This makes her reconsider. "…Wow. Yeah, I can see why saying your part after that might not have been a great idea."

"Exactly." I sigh and slide down until I can rest my head on Sakura's shoulder. "He tells me he loves me, and then I'm supposed to tell him I'm leaving him for someone else?"

"He'll get over it," she says, though quietly. "It's just a crush, right?"

"I don't know." I think back to the way he looked at me, the way he spoke. "I think someone like Blue wouldn't use the word 'love' lightly."

"What, he actually sprung the L word on you?" she says. I just nod. Sakura processes this, then says, "Well… you can tell him no or you can tell him yes. But you're gonna have to tell him something. Have you considered what it might be like to be with Blue? For real?"

"Are you suggesting I give him a chance?"

"At least think about it. You owe him that much."

"But I don't like him," I argue. "I don't… _trust _him."

"You've given him your body for the past year."

"Oh, I trust him with my body."

"Then your heart? Why, because he didn't know you don't like open relationships? Get over it, Naruto. It's been a year and he hasn't made a single mistake since. I think he's shown he's trustworthy. And he isn't going to try to hurt you intentionally. He never has."

"I know, I know, but…" I sigh and think of Sasuke. How much I want him. How much I miss him, already, after only three days. Does Blue feel like this about me? If I asked Sasuke out and he said he was in love with someone else, how much would that hurt?

"It's up to you, Naruto," says Sakura. "Don't tell Blue yes if it won't make you happy. But if you can, you may as well give him a chance. He's known you much longer than you've known Sasuke, after all."

"If you look at it from a logical point of view like that, of course it makes more sense for me to be with Blue. But… this is love we're talking about. Logic doesn't really have a say."

"Do you love Sasuke?"

The question fills me with a feeling I can't quite pinpoint. My heart speeds up and my mind starts racing. "I've known him for less than a month," I say, almost as though trying to convince myself as well as Sakura. "I don't know if it's possible for me to love someone so soon."

"So yes."

"Sakura—"

"You loved me that soon, didn't you?" She smiles. "You've got a big heart, Naruto. I don't think you'd ever be incapable of loving someone just because of a thing like time."

"I guess you're right." I nod, feeling better. "Thanks, Sakura."

"You don't deserve my help after your stupid stunt this weekend," she says, but I can tell she doesn't mean it. "Where did you even go?"

"I told you, I went home." I don't care if she doesn't believe me; that's the story I'm sticking to. I grab her by the waist and pull her over with me so that we're lying down, her body on top of mine.

"Hey, what're you—" She makes to get up, then freezes, staring down at me. I smile.

"Do you remember the last time we were like this?" I ask, a little wistfully.

"It didn't work out," she whispers.

"But we were happy. It's only a bad memory in retrospect."

The look in her eyes softens. "I guess you're right." She sighs and rests her head against my chest. I can feel my heartbeat against her ear, and I'm sure she can hear it. "I admit, sometimes I still wish it'd worked out."

"Me too," I reassure her, combing her hair with my fingers. "It would've been nice. If only because you're a good fuck," I say with a cheeky grin, and she rolls off me and punches me in the stomach. I cough, then wheeze, "Okay, I deserved that."

"Being with Blue has gone to your head," she snaps.

"Why, because the feeling is mutual?"

"Naruto!" she wails, but she doesn't sound embarrassed or angry anymore. "Don't remind me. I was doing such a good job of not caring that I'm single."

"Sorry." I poke her nose, and she scrunches it up. "Why didn't you hook up at the club?"

"Oh, you know I don't like hook-ups. Besides, all the good-looking boys are taken or gay or pining after _you_."

"Or a combination thereof, if you're referring to Sasuke." I consider. "Hey, why don't you date Blue?"

She frowns. "I don't know if I could be with someone knowing they're always looking at others and thinking about what they'd be like in bed."

"Then you understand a little of my pain."

"I guess so. I don't mean to judge him, but…"

"Yeah." I sigh. "I just… don't know. I want Sasuke so much, but at the same time I feel terrible for abandoning Blue. But it seems like Sasuke wants me just as much as Blue does, even though he's never said it." I was just too dense to see the signs in Blue because I was too busy looking for them in Sasuke, too busy distancing myself from Blue.

"This isn't about what they want or need," Sakura says. "It's about what you need. If you try to be with someone because you feel like you owe them that, it's going to turn out badly. You've gotten yourself into a mess, but this is a relationship we're talking about. You don't get into a relationship because you think you should. You do it because you want to. Otherwise it's likely to be an unhealthy one."

I nod. "But if Blue had told me just weeks before – if he told me before I'd met Sasuke, or even just shortly after – I probably would have said yes."

"It's just his bad luck, I guess. Does that mean you've decided?"

"I don't know!" I roll onto my stomach and bury my face in the pillow. "Why can't I just be with Sasuke without feeling so goddamn guilty? How is it that even though I'm assured a relationship either way, I feel like I'll be as upset as the one who'll be single after this?"

"I guess that's the disadvantage to having a big heart," Sakura says gently. "You're right, though. When this is all over, only one person's going to come out victorious, and it won't be you."

"I probably deserve as much, being the cheating asshole that I am. Ugh, I can't decide! Can't I let someone else choose for me?"

"Would you be happy if they did?"

"…No," I admit, pouting. "But at this point, will I be happy any way it turns out?"

"For a given degree of happy, yes. You have to choose the lesser of the evils."

I sigh, but the gears are turning in my head. If I were to give the choice to Sasuke, he'd obviously tell me to ditch Blue and be with him. If I were to give the choice to Blue… if I told him the truth, if I told him that I'd cheated on him Sasuke, would Blue get mad and let me go? He's used to sleeping around, but this past year with me has changed him. I can tell. It's manipulative – once again – so maybe I shouldn't. But… if Blue gets angry with me, if he blames me, then I'll be able to let him go with so much less guilt. Then again, will I really feel less guilty if I manipulate him like that?

It's the truth, though, I remind myself. I owe him the truth, if nothing else. I'll tell him, and I'll see what he says. After that… I don't know. I can't see that far into the future. From there I'll just have to follow my heart.

—

I'm early to class on Tuesday morning, but I find myself unwilling to approach Blue. Even though I know exactly what I'm going to do, I'm still finding myself stalling, afraid of confrontation – afraid of change. I have to beat it into my own head that the situation I'm in right now is less than favourable, and moving out of it is really the best choice. I'm a little calmed by the knowledge that Blue's expecting an answer from me and will probably seek me out on his own soon enough.

But he doesn't. The morning comes and goes and all he's done is smile at me and wave from a distance when I came in. He sits with his friends during the lecture and chats with them quietly, but he looks tired, harrowed. I wonder, has he been up all night, trying to guess what I might tell him? Did he look for someone to confide in, as I did? Could I maybe talk to his friends and get a sense of what's going on? I don't talk to his crowd much, but then Kiba did say he was making friends with Blue lately. And by the sound of the conversation I overheard between them, I get the feeling that Blue's put his trust in Kiba the same way I have. Actually, when I consider that, I realize that Kiba probably knew about Blue's feelings this whole time. How long has he known?

I seek out Kiba after the lecture; there weren't any seats near me when he arrived, so he's sitting somewhere else. He sees me waiting for him in the aisle and approaches me, looking serious.

"Hey," I say, though the gravity of his expression has me wary. "Uh, do you have a minute?"

He nods, clearly relieved that I've opted to go to him for help this time. "Yeah. Let's go for a walk."

I spot a blue head of hair as we exit the lecture hall, but I avoid him, and he acts in kind. I follow Kiba out and we stroll through the park, conversing in low voices.

"So," says Kiba. "I heard about… you and Sasuke."

My face flushes. "Who from?"

"Sakura. She called me on Saturday asking if I knew where you were, and, well, the conversation went from there." He sighs. "I'm sorry, Naruto."

"What?" I'm bewildered. "What for?"

"For – I dunno, encouraging you to drink and stuff," he says. "It was the pep talk about letting loose, wasn't it?"

"Okay, for one, it was hardly a pep talk. For another, I would've gotten smashed even if you hadn't told me to. None of this is your fault," I tell him. "I'm the only one to blame."

"I guess, but…" He scratches the back of his head. "I dunno. It's like part of me is looking for a reason to feel guilty."

"You were really torn, weren't you?"

He look up at me, surprised. "How'd you…?"

"I realized today," I say. "You must've known about both of us. About my feelings for Sasuke as well as Blue's feelings for me. You were the only one who knew both sides of the situation. I can imagine how hard it would be – you'd never betray someone who'd confided in you, but telling would solve everything, wouldn't it?"

Slowly he nods. "That's exactly it."

"But that's not your fault," I go on. "I'm really glad you didn't tell. I mean, I'd have liked to know about Blue, but I think it's good that you didn't say anything."

"To be honest, I'm amazed you didn't figure it out," says Kiba, looking relieved now. "He hasn't exactly been subtle."

"Yeah, I…" I glance away. "Once he got started telling me, I realized how blind I've been. I just… I don't know. I'd never even considered a real relationship with him, so a confession was the last thing I'd expected to hear."

"I guess that makes sense. If it was never a possibility in your mind in the first place…" He trails off. "So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I was hoping you could help," I say. "I mean… I don't know how much you're willing to tell me, but if I'm guessing correctly, Blue's told you about everything, hasn't he?"

Kiba hesitates, then nods. "He talks about you a lot."

This hits my chest with something almost painful. I can't even begin to fathom the extent of his attraction to me. How am I supposed to know, when I've been completely blind to it all this time?

"When'd he tell you?" I ask.

"Must've been a couple of weeks ago. We were chatting after class and he seemed really agitated, so I wheedled it out of him. He's been really conflicted."

"Conflicted? Why?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he says. "I mean, on one hand, he gets to sleep with you and spend time with you. On the other, it's a completely loveless relationship. There's a lot he wants that you aren't giving him – I mean, not that you're supposed to; you never said you would. But he told me he didn't feel right trying to push you any further, because it was obvious you weren't responding to any of his advances. I think it must have been doubly hard because you already have a level of intimacy together, so the lines get blurry."

I take this all in. Looking back now, I should've seen the signs. He kept asking me out to meals, requesting to spend the night, partner up in class, take the bus together. Mostly I interpreted all these as extensions of him being horny. When I see it that way, it seems ridiculously shallow. And isn't that the truth of it? I equated Blue with sex and, in doing so, blocked my willingness to see him as a person. It's all on me, as usual.

"Naruto," says Kiba softly, "he really likes you. And he's a really good person. I know he wasn't last year, but he's changed, and you can tell he's trying his best to prove it now."

"Yeah. I know." I frown. "I'm the one who's been an asshole."

Kiba lets out a small chuckle. "I'm not gonna deny that."

"I'm gonna go find him," I say. "At the very least, I need to tell him about… about Friday night. I'll see how it goes from there."

"Sounds like a plan." Kiba turns to me and says, "If there's any possibility – any at all – that you could see yourself with him, give him a chance, alright? Ultimately your relationship status is up to you, but he deserves it and you know he'd be good to you. You wouldn't be losing out."

"I know. I know, but…" I shake my head. "I don't know where any of this is going to go. I've never been one to plan things out. What I need is to talk to him now."

"Yeah. Go for it."

I say goodbye to Kiba and head back inside, pulling out my phone to give Blue a text. It turns out I don't need to, however: I spot him lingering alone in the cafeteria and approach him. I clear my throat to get his attention, and he jumps like he's been electrocuted.

"O-oh. Naruto. Hey," he says, obviously attempting to sound casual. He fails utterly.

"You didn't come talk to me before the lecture," I say.

Slowly he nods. "I… didn't want to pressure you. If you need more time, just let me know." He smiles, but his eyes are cast downwards at my feet. He seems so nervous.

"Well, I… D'you wanna grab something for lunch?"

He looks up at once, hope in his eyes. "Sure."

It's still a little early for lunch, so the cafeteria isn't too full. We find a table at the back by the windows. It's a wonderfully sunny day out, but the lack of cloud cover means it's also bitingly cold. Thankfully the heaters are on full blast in here. I dig into my lunch at once, having missed breakfast, and of course also to stall. Blue, on the other hand, picks at his food, taking little bites here and there but overall not seeming entirely interested in it. I watch him for a while. He sneaks a glance at me once or twice, but once he realizes I'm watching him he stops, looking anywhere but at me.

There's something… sad about the look in his eyes. Seeing him like this now, I realize I recognize that look – I've seen him wear that expression before, when I brush him off, when I ignore him. It's not just sex he wants – it hasn't been about the sex in a long time.

"Katsumi?"

He still won't meet my eye. "Yes?"

I realize I don't really know what to say. I watch him poke at the food on his plate, but it doesn't look like he's eaten much at all. "Not hungry?" I ask.

"I'm starving," he replies, "but I don't have much of an appetite."

"You're acting funny."

"I feel like my whole life has changed. Can you blame me?"

I sigh and put down my fork. "I… did think about it. A lot. And my answer isn't going to be simple, I need you to know that now."

There's doubt in his eyes now, but he just nods. "Okay. I can understand that."

"And… I need to confess something. I… dammit, how do I say this?" I glance out the window as though maybe something out there will give me a clue. There's nothing, so I have to forge on alone. "When you told me… everything… yesterday, I got the feeling you'd thought it out in a lot of detail. But all I know is that I need to tell you the truth. I have no idea how to word it or anything."

"That's okay." He doesn't get impatient or try to rush me. He only encourages me gently. How did I ever miss the signs? Since when has he been this kind?

"Well… okay." I take a deep breath. "Okay, here it is. On the weekend, I cheated on you and slept with someone else."

I don't know what kind of reaction I expected from him. I think I expected him not to care, but the look in his wide eyes is unmistakably shock and hurt. The guilt hits me like a punch to the stomach.

"…I don't have a right to be angry," he says, so quietly I almost don't catch it. "But… I…"

"No, you do. I'm sorry." I frown. Why did I think he wouldn't care? Seeing him like this now, hearing the tone of his voice – like he's trying so hard not to feel angry – I can't imagine why I ever thought it might not matter. "I shouldn't have cheated on you. I guess I – I don't know. I wonder if maybe part of me felt more justified in doing it because I figured you wouldn't be bothered by it. Because I thought it was part of your lifestyle, sleeping around casually, and that you'd understand. I mean, that's not an excuse for my actions or anything, but… I guess that's part of it, if it means anything at all."

Blue's fist is clenched on the table and his knuckles are white. "So what are you saying?" he asks, barely above a whisper. "Would you have thought twice about it if I hadn't 'cheated' on you before? Are you saying I brought this upon myself because of the way I handle relationships? Did I really break your trust so much that I could never earn it back again?"

"No – that's not—"

"Naruto, I've been trying! Not just since I started having feelings for you – as soon as I found out you expected exclusivity, I stopped sleeping around. It's not like I was doing it to hurt you!"

His voice is rising now. There's no one sitting near us, but if he gets much louder someone might start to stare. "Katsumi—" I begin, but he isn't listening.

"But it didn't matter, did it? It didn't matter that that's the way I've always handled sleeping with someone, that it was an honest mistake of miscommunication. All that mattered to you was that I'd slept with someone else before, and that meant you couldn't trust me, even after a year!"

I say nothing in case he decides to interrupt me again, but he just falls silent, his eyes watery, his breathing heavy. After a moment, though, something else appears on his face – a dawning look of shock. He realizes he's been leaning forward, almost rising out of his chair, and quickly draws back. He pulls his hands into his lap, then stares at them, shaken.

"I…" He takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

This throws me completely off-guard. "What – _you're_ sorry? Why?"

"For – for shouting. For getting mad at you. I never expected to find myself angry with you," he says quietly. "I felt so strongly for you that I was afraid to ever say anything against you, in case it pushed you away even more. I figured you just had no idea how I felt about you, since you never seemed to pick up on any of my hints. But… to find out you never trusted me in the first place…"

"It's not that I—" I begin to retort, then pause. "…No, you're right. I guess I never really did trust you. I mean, I did trust you not to do it again after so long, but… it never really went away."

"You didn't…" Blue can't bring himself to say it, but I know what he's thinking.

"I didn't respect you." I look away, too ashamed to face him. The fact is, Blue's changed in the past year. He's gone from an arrogant prick with no respect for others to someone who listens, someone who cares. And what have I done? I'm in exactly the same place now as I was nearly a year ago. Untrusting, keeping him at arm's length, never willing to reach out and see how he really felt. I always wrote him off as a bad person, but looking back now, I wonder… who's the worse one?

"I'm sorry," I mumble. "That's all I can offer. I'm really, really sorry."

"I… want to forgive and forget," he breathes. "But – but it hurts, dammit. It fucking hurts…"

"I know," I say quickly. "I know that… now. Too little, too late, I guess."

"Why?" he asks, his voice trembling, rising with frustration. "Why did you do it? You were the one who was so adamant about exclusivity."

"I know I was. And I tried to stick to that, I really did. But…"

"I'm – I'm trying to understand." He sounds desperate now. "It's all going through my head, and I'm trying to figure out why – is it me? What does the other person have that I don't? Is there something I could've done, something I could do now?"

He finally looks at me, straight in the eye, pleading. It catches me off-guard how much he's opening himself up to me, offering me everything, searching for an answer. I want to give it to him, I really do – but I don't know how to do it without hurting him. And I know now that, no matter how much I've hated him, no matter how much I've ignored him and pushed him aside, the last thing I want to do now is hurt him more than I can tell he's already hurting.

"I don't know," I say. "I don't have the answers any more than you do."

"I… forgive you. It hurts, and I won't forget right away, but I can forgive you." He reaches across the table and takes my hand. "I meant what I said yesterday, and it's still true now. I love you. I want you. I know you might not love me right now, and you might not for a long time – but I'm not asking for more than one single chance. I don't know whether it's just that I haven't tried hard enough, or that I haven't been obvious enough, or maybe it's just because you aren't looking for a relationship. And I'm not going to push you if you're still not, but I… I really think I could be good to you."

"I know. I… I think so too," I admit. "But… the thing is…"

His face falls, though hope still lingers in his eyes. I hardly have the heart to dash that last glimmer, but I know I have to. For the sake of telling the truth.

I sigh. "I'm sorry for cheating on you, but I have to admit that I'm not sorry I slept with him. He's… important to me. That doesn't change the fact that I shouldn't have slept with him, but I did. I… can't be with you."

I know how he's going to react; I know what the sorrow will look like in his eyes, but I can't prevent it and there's no way I can prepare myself for how it pierces me like an arrow. I can't escape the guilt, the helplessness, the feeling that my own pain is a pointless mockery compared to his. I don't know if I even deserve to worry about how I'm feeling when he looks this way.

"…Why?" he asks finally.

"It wouldn't be fair to you," I say.

"It isn't about fair," he says, shaking his head quickly, as though if he's emphatic enough my words won't be true. "I'm not looking for fair."

"And if I said it wouldn't be fair to me?"

He falls silent.

"Look, I… I wish I could return your feelings. I really do. You deserve it – you don't deserve the way I've been treating you. I wish I could love you back, and maybe I could with time, but… I love someone else."

"The one you slept with."

I hesitate, then nod.

"Don't tell me who it is," he says, danger lacing his sorrow now. "I'm already thinking of what I'd do to him if I knew."

Protectiveness rises in my core like a guard dog. "I won't let you."

"I wouldn't want you to." He sighs. "I understand. I don't like it, but I understand."

"I know it doesn't seem fair."

"All's fair in love and war, so they say," Blue says sadly. "I just – I feel like maybe I would've been less angry if you just didn't return my feelings and that's all it was. If there wasn't someone else involved. I guess it ought to be beneath me to feel this way, but…"

"I'm sorry," I say again, because I don't know what else I can offer.

"No – I should be the one apologizing. I shouldn't be telling you this." He glances out the window, then at his food, then somewhere over my shoulder. Anywhere but at me. Otherwise he's calm, but I can read the way he's trying not to break down. "It isn't easy for me to just wish you well and let you go, but I… I hope you're happy, Naruto," he says finally. "I really do. Even if it's not with me."

"You too. I'm sure you'll find someone." I try to smile. "Look at it this way. I've kept you all to myself for the past year, and I know it isn't really your style. At least now you're free."

"I'd rather be stuck with you than free without you," he whispers.

Suddenly the image comes back to me – a bluebird in an open cage, alone, watching his canary fly away. He's breaking my heart. "I have to go," I say, standing. "I'll… see you in class, yeah?"

"Yeah." Pain flashes in his eyes. He'll still have to see me almost every day. "Um. Naruto?"

"What?"

"Can we still… Well, I guess 'still' isn't the right word. Even if we're not together… can we be friends?" he asks.

"Yeah." I smile at him. "That'd be nice."

"Okay. Good." He smiles back – then bursts into tears. I watch, helpless and alarmed, as the tears pour down his cheeks, as he buries his face in his sleeves to try to hold it back.

"Katsumi – oh, geez…" I rummage through my bag and find a pack of tissues. I offer him one and he blows his nose, trying to control the tremors racking his body. "I'm sorry, Katsumi, I—"

But he shakes his head. "I-it's not your fault," he says through a sob. "It's not – I shouldn't be crying; I d-don't know what's—"

"No, no, it's okay." I quickly kneel down and pat his back, pulling out another tissue. "Let it out. You'll feel better after."

He just nods and cries and all I can do is be there for him. I don't even know if I should be – maybe he'd be better off with someone else, but there's no one else right now and I can't just leave him alone like this. Against my better judgment, I pull him into a hug, and he hugs me back fiercely, shuddering, his sobs renewed. I know other people in the cafeteria are staring, but I refuse to let him go.

Blue cries himself out in a few minutes, still clutching me close but with less force than before, and his trembling seems to have calmed down as well. Eventually he lets go and pulls back.

"You're… amazing, Naruto," he says hoarsely, managing a smile against all odds, though it looks difficult. "Whoever has your heart is a lucky guy."

"I'm not sure he's gonna be able to handle the sheer volume of drama I set off," I admit. "I think I'd be the lucky one to have him. Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. I will. Just give it time." He reaches out and brushes my scars with his thumb, and something in his eyes softens. "I shouldn't keep you. I'll see you later, Naru."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Okay." I shoulder my bag again and stand. "Don't… don't be too hard on yourself, okay?"

"Yeah. See you," he says, with a wave.

"Bye, Katsumi." I hesitate a moment longer before turning and leaving, and then I have to resist the urge to turn back around and sneak another look at him. I'm sure he wasn't planning that at all, but it sure makes me feel a lot worse about heading to Sasuke's dorm right this minute. I just hope Blue is going to be okay. I hope he gets over me, for his own sake. I know how it feels to be turned down by a crush, and if his actions are any indication this is way more than just a crush. I sigh and try to think of Sasuke. Maybe he can help me. When we're together. Even if he isn't necessarily going to be the most altruistic problem-solver, I think he'd be able to help if only for my sake, and if only because I'll make sure he knows I have no intention of getting with Blue anymore.

God. I'm going to be with Sasuke. I'm finally doing it, going to see him, going to talk to him. I'm going to ask him out and we'll be together. I'm not even mentally preparing for the sex that's sure to happen. I just want to be close to him.

Someone's coming out of the dorm building just as I reach the door, so I don't have to call Sasuke to get in. This is good. As much as I want to talk to him right this minute, it occurs to me that our first reunion would be best off if it were face to face. He hasn't texted me since Friday, and I haven't had the courage to text him, so I really hope this works out.

Actually… I just realized I have no idea if he's even home right now. He could be in class or working in the studio or out somewhere. Fuck, of course I'd have to go and forget something. Well, I'm on his floor now, so no point turning back now. If he's not there I guess I'll just have to come back later. It ruins the atmosphere a little, but I'll text him and ask to meet up. The atmosphere doesn't matter, as long as I'm assured a chance to see him.

To my luck, however, I can see light coming out from under his door. He doesn't seem like the type to forget to turn off his lights, but I don't want to get my hopes up unnecessarily… Well, only one way to find out.

Heart hammering, I raise my hand to knock. But the door opens before I can even touch it.

I freeze, caught mid-breath, utterly shocked. Standing at the door in nothing but his briefs, all pale skin, dark hair, lean limbs, and covered in hickeys—

—is Sai.

* * *

Blue's quoting another song today. It's not the exact wording and it may be quite vague which of his words are the quote. Any guesses? Lest I have another Haven't Had Enough type fiasco, I reserve the right to choose not to sketch if too many people get it right. If not, though, a sketch to the first correct guess from someone who's signed in, please. I won't give it to an anonymous reviewer, even if they've put their username in the name field, so sign in, okay?

R+F


	28. Fallout

**Chapter Twenty-Eight: **Fallout

**Words: **3237

No point trying to make it subtle anymore, and anyway, there are a few songs of the same name so I'm not gonna bother with a sketch challenge. This chapter is titled after the Marianas Trench song of the same name. What do you mean I'm just trying to incorporate the entire album into my fic? Of course not.

…I kid. I wouldn't deny that. The album has been a strong inspiration for this fic, and I have crazy feels about this song.

Apologies once again for the tardiness of this chapter! As usual it's undergone a pretty harsh editing and has come out 200% better. You should probably just get used to that happening because it's not about to stop. I pretty much have to turn the next chapter into a mini story arc to make things work now.

* * *

"N-Naruto." Sai's face mirrors mine: shock and panic and a sinking understanding.

"This – Sai, what're you—" I can't keep a grasp on enough words at a time to form a sentence. My brain seems to refuse what my eyes are seeing, Sai in Sasuke's room half-naked and tellingly marked. Sai. Why him? What the fuck is going on? A whirlwind of thoughts and emotions threatens to tear my mind apart. Keywords fly through my head in rapid succession, so fast I can hardly keep up: _Sai naked marks why hurt bed sex anger betrayal Sasuke trust love hate fear pain_. The pain sticks; it's a lump in my throat, a squeezing in my chest, and a shattering of my world, my safety, everything I knew and trusted and believed in.

"What are you doing here?" I finally manage. "_Why _are you here?"

I can see the answer in his eyes. He's a hundred percent aware of what he's done and why he's done it, but I want to hear the fucking words. I stare him down until finally I see something in his expression crack.

"I'd like to say it's not what it looks like—" he begins.

"But what?" I demand.

"…But it'd be a lie."

I punch him. I don't even realize it until my knuckles are aching and he's braced against the door, a hand at his rapidly bruising cheek. But I don't regret it one bit. "That's not fucking good enough! I thought you hated Sasuke. I thought, I don't know, I got some weird self-important idea in my head that you were jealous of him, of the way I've been hanging out with him, but I guess I was dead wrong, wasn't I? It's me you were jealous of, wasn't it? Well it looks like you won't have to be anymore!"

"Naruto, that's not—"

"Then what?"

"I – I was," he says quickly. "I was jealous… of him, not you. You can't expect to string me along and not—"

"I wasn't stringing you along, you selfish prick; I've _told_ you I can't sleep with you!"

"You have no reason not to!" Sai shouts back. The volume of his voice startles me – I've never heard Sai shout; never seen him be truly angry. He's always written everything off with a smile, even when I know he's fuming inside. Seeing him now, eyes wild with emotion, I can barely believe he's the same person I know.

He seems to register my shock and pulls back. "…I wanted you," he murmurs, suddenly almost inaudible. "I think I made that clear. And you made it clear that you couldn't reciprocate – I never quite understood your reasoning, but I respect your feelings on the matter. But… you teased me. You couldn't have expected me not to give up on you eventually."

"I never said you couldn't sleep with anyone. In fact, if I recall correctly, I've heard your bed squeaking on more than one occasion. But that's not the point," I snap, because we're getting off-topic now. "What I want to know is why you're _in Sasuke's room_. Did you even stop to think, just for one second, and maybe remember the reason you know Sasuke in the first place? The guy you live with? The guy you've been crushing on for the past half a year? Why are you here, Sai?"

Sai's eyes flash – not with guilt, as I'd hoped, but with renewed strength. He says simply, "Because I slept with him."

"Wh—I know that!" I can't fucking believe him. Now, of all times? "I'm sick and tired of your obvious answers and – and your daft, emotionally stunted—" I'm so frustrated I barely have words. "Just fucking wake up and read between the lines, Sai!"

"If you'd like more specific answers, maybe you should ask more specific questions."

"Maybe you should tell me before I kick you," I snarl. I'm filled by a furious possessiveness that screams Sai has no right to be standing there the way he is, like he knows Sasuke, like he's shared his bed. I know that isn't completely right – I can tell I'm missing something here, but I also know that I'm angry and hurt and offended, and more than anything I trust my instincts. Something is not right here. Somehow I've been wronged, and I don't particularly feel like letting go of the rage right now to sort through my mind and find out how.

"We wanted relief," he says finally. "That's all."

"_Relief_? From what, not being an inconsiderate douchebag?"

"You're overreacting, Naruto. I understand you're upset, but—"

"Of course I'm upset! I trusted you! You're my friend – Sasuke's my friend, and you just go and fuck him like I'm not the reason you know he exists in the first place, like you have no idea what happened on Friday!"

"What did you expect me to do? If I'd told you, you would have told me not to do it."

"And that didn't strike you as a reason not to go through with it?"

"I don't think it should have, no."

I'm seething. Is he really that clueless? He must be playing dumb on purpose, though for what reason I can't imagine. All I know is that it's even more unfathomable to think he truly doesn't see why sleeping with Sasuke might be a bad idea.

"Just tell me," I demand. "Couldn't you have picked _anyone_ else? Why did it have to be Sasuke of all people? You don't even like him!"

"You don't have to like a person to sleep with them. I'm sure you know that very well, Naruto," he says somewhat pointedly.

"At least I'm not sleeping with someone one of my best friends has slept with before."

"You're not in a relationship with him. You don't have a right to say who he sleeps with."

"I have a right to know if he's planning to fuck my housemate!"

"No, you don't."

I freeze, then my gaze flicks past Sai into the darkness of the room. Sasuke emerges, dressed much like Sai. The look on his face only makes me angrier. It's like he doesn't care. Look at him, standing there, so goddamn composed and making it look so easy, so natural. He regards me coolly, acknowledging he knows me but refusing to acknowledge what I mean to him, what he means to me. Something inside me cracks at this realization, and the pain returns twofold, strong enough to make me want to double over, strong enough to make my breath come short, strong enough to make my eyes water.

"You don't," he repeats, his voice almost neutral except for the edge of a threat. "I don't have to tell you who I fuck. You don't have a say."

"You think I don't know that?"

"You're not acting as though you do."

"Do I not have a right to feel something? Am I supposed to just walk in on you and feel nothing?"

He just shrugs, infuriatingly unmoved.

"I'm going to go get coffee," says Sai quietly.

"Don't think I'm fucking done with you," I growl, but I let him slip past me to the kitchen all the same. I want to talk to Sasuke alone right now. I turn back to him, to those clear eyes that never fail to capture me. Even now, looking at him stirs desire – but with it comes an overwhelming sense of pain. Here is a person I trusted, a person I felt comfortable around. After so long, after nearly a year of being alone, being with a person I didn't have to open myself up to, I forgot how much it hurt to be betrayed by someone you loved so much. I let my guard down, lulled into comfort by knowing my heart was safely locked away, but Sasuke came in with the key and slipped past my walls of defence when I wasn't looking. And now he's attacked my core, done the very thing I've always hated, the thing that always breaks me, and I don't think it's ever hurt as much as it hurts now.

When I speak, my voice is low. "So. You and Sai."

"Sure."

"How long has that been going on for, then?"

He shrugs. "Dunno. A while."

"Since—" I can hardly bring myself to ask. "Since before the club?"

For a long, painful moment, he's motionless. Then he nods.

"I trusted you," I breathe, and only then do I realize I'm shaking, my words trembling in kind. "I fucking trusted you."

"I fail to see why you're so wounded," he replies. "I haven't done anything wrong."

"Don't try to pretend there wasn't something between us," I snap. "Don't pretend you didn't have any idea what would happen if you slept with Sai of all people. I could spew any number of insults at you right now, but naïve isn't one of them."

"Why does it matter who I've slept with? Are you saying that if I'd slept with someone you didn't know, it would be better? Or what if it were another friend of yours? Kiba? Shikamaru?"

"They're both straight, but yeah, actually, it would! I'm having a hard time believing you could have made a worse choice, or that you'd done it by accident."

"Accident? more like coincidence." He shrugs. "We were both available. That's really all there is to it."

I narrow my eyes. " 'Available'? What's that supposed to mean?"

All he says is, "Exactly what it sounds like." He watches me, watches the anger in my eyes, the look in his nothing but icy indifference.

"Yeah, and what's that?"

He just raises an eyebrow at me, like he's expecting me to get with the program when it's obvious I want to hear the words out loud. I hate him. I hate the way he's looking at me. I hate the way he doesn't care. I want to smash that frozen shell of his, to chip away at the ice, to melt him, burn him. I want him to be angry, upset, worried, desperate – I want him to feel a fraction of the pain I'm feeling right now. I want to hurt him.

Sasuke turns his eyes away from me, as though he can't even deign to give me his full attention anymore. "What are you here for, anyway? Were you finally planning on getting over yourself and sleeping with me? If not, I'm kind of busy, so…"

"Busy doing what? Sai?" I grit my teeth. "I am so fucking fed up with you."

"What are you going to do about it?" he asks, like he doesn't really care what the answer is.

"Me? You're the one who should be doing something about it! You're the one who's gone and fucked my housemate without even sparing a thought for the guy who you've been smitten with from the day you met him, the guy who's felt exactly the same way about you. If you had a mote of respect for me maybe you'd consider what it means to feel that way about someone, to know it's mutual, to sleep with one of their best friends behind their backs and not even mention off-hand that you're attracted to him. I don't know about you, but that sounds like basic human decency to me."

"Did anyone ever say I was a decent human being?"

"I'd had the impression that you were. Evidently I overestimated you." I take a deep breath. I'm not even rattling him. "I thought I meant something to you. Obviously not. I'm done with all this. With you."

His eyes narrow – the first reaction I've gotten from him this whole time. "And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what it sounds like." I throw his words right back at him. But I'll also give him the courtesy of actually being told, because I'm a better person than him. "It means this is over. It means you're too much of a prick for even me to handle, and I deal with Blue on a daily basis."

He's unwinding; I can see it in his eyes. His brow furrows, the corners of his mouth pull down, his fingers twitch in the beginnings of fists.

"I trusted you," I say, "once. I thought you were a good person, but you proved me wrong, didn't you?"

"If you're not going to tell me anything I don't already know, either get in my bed or get out of my sight."

"You want to hear something you don't already know?" I growl through clenched teeth. "Here's something new. Whatever feelings I used to have for you have vanished."

Sasuke's eyes widen, his pupils contracting suddenly. He takes a step back. "W-what—?"

"You heard me." I stand my ground. I don't care what I have to say to make him suffer. "I've had it with you. Whatever it was – love, lust, a worthless crush – it's gone now."

"So what?" he snaps, but his tone is uncertain now.

"So it's over." I shrug, though I still don't feel nearly as calm and collected as I'm managing to pull off. "I've lost all respect for you. I thought, I dunno, I had this _crazy_ idea that maybe I meant something to you and that would be enough to make you consider for even a second that sleeping with Sai might not be a great idea. But no, all you want is a fuck, isn't it? Even now you won't shut up about having me in your bed!"

"Says the one who keeps stringing me along just so he can keep banging the Sex God," he retorts, suddenly sharp as icicles. "So I want to blow you; is that so wrong?"

"If all I wanted was someone who wants to blow me, I could just go to Blue. I'm already set."

"That's your solution to everything, isn't it?" His voice is rising. "Play it safe. Stick to your Blue God. Stick to someone you don't have to risk anything to be with, someone who you don't have to give your heart so that you don't have to risk it breaking. Stay with your shallow Blue God and your easy fucks and say you're committed when you're really not, just so that you can feel like a good person!"

My throat constricts. "What?"

"You think you're a good person, don't you? You think you have moral integrity? You're a fucking hypocrite. You say you're committed and then you flirt with me. You tell me you can't be with me but you sleep in my bed, you wrestle with me, you strip naked in front of me _knowing_ I want you. And you only ever stop when it's convenient to you. You string me along and I can't do a damn thing about it because you'll panic and think you're cheating on a guy who can't wait to get into someone else's pants."

"You—"

"I what? I'm wrong? I can see it in your eyes. You know I'm right. I'm insulting you? Apparently you hate me now, so what have I got to lose? And what about you? Now that you've got no one to love, what are you going to do besides go back to your sex god and take out your frustration on him?"

"I'm—" I'm scrambling for a comeback. "—I'm going to date him."

All the colour drains from Sasuke's face.

"I was going to dump him and ask you out," I go on, seeing every word hit him like a pickaxe smashing ice, "but he asked me out first. Looks like he's spared me the pain of what would have happened if I'd decided to be with you instead."

"You don't even like the asshole!"

"I like him more than you right now," I lie. It hurts to say it – beyond the satisfaction, there's a stab of pain every time I see the way the words hit Sasuke. But he's hurt me far worse than this already; I can handle it. "I shouldn't have come here. I should've texted you first. Then you'd never have to tell me about this and I wouldn't have to feel so betrayed."

"Because not knowing would have made it better? Is that what you're saying? That everything would be fine if you'd just never found out?"

"Maybe it would have," I say. "Maybe then I could date you and be blissfully unaware that you'd someday just turn your back and cheat on me properly. Would that be better than this? Better than knowing what you're like, knowing what you might do?"

"I haven't fucking cheated on you, you moron!" he shouts. "You have no say in who I fuck or who I get with or who I'm into. We're not together, so you can't say I was cheating on you."

"If you can't even be bothered to consider the consequences of your actions—"

"Some things aren't about you, Naruto! How long do you expect me to wait for you?"

"I never asked you to wait for me!" I realize I'm shouting again and take a deep breath. "I'm not going to argue with you anymore. This is the end. You can stop waiting; I'm sure you're happy about that."

"Naruto—"

I just shake my head and turn my back on him. "Tell Sai I won't be home tonight."

I leave before he can say another word. I go down the stairs two at a time, nearly tripping over my own feet, and cross the campus at a run. I feel a cold speck on my skin, then another. It's snowing. The sky's white and tiny flakes are falling from the sky, sticking to whatever surface they touch, melting at first but finally beginning to build up. I don't want to be here, surrounded by this beauty. I go inside the first building I see and then meander until I find an empty room, which I enter. It's a small room with a few tables and chairs, a TV in one corner. There's space behind the TV stand, so I hunker down, sneezing at the dust. There I bury my head and try not to think about anything.

Hours later I wake to the lights flicking on. Someone's come into the room. I hope they don't notice me. Maybe I can just stay here, unseen, until they're done and they leave again. But no luck: they move the TV and find me there.

"Excuse me?" It's a woman, looking utterly bewildered. "Uh, can I ask why you're here?"

"You could, but I don't know any more than you do." I slowly stand, my joints aching from being curled up for so long. "Sorry. I'll go."

"Are you okay?" she asks, still perplexed.

"No." I leave the room.

It's still snowing outside, a good few centimetres resting on the ground now. I put up my hood and shove my hands into my pockets. My fingers brush my phone. I pause, then pull it out and dial Blue's number. He picks up almost at once.

"_Naruto?_" He sounds like he can hardly believe I'm calling him. I'm not surprised, to be honest.

"Y…yeah, it's me."

"You sound like a wreck! What happened? What's up? Are you okay?"

"I…" I heave a deep sigh. "I don't suppose your offer still stands, does it?"

* * *

Before you ask, no, the next chapter won't be up on Friday. I have no idea when it'll get done. I think I'm going to have to more or less write a whole new chapter. L.U.S.T. is hereby released from a regular updating schedule and released into the world of "whenever it gets done."

R+F


	29. Mantra

**Chapter Twenty-Nine: **Mantra

**Words: **4527

Holy cow. So much for updating on Christmas. My winter holiday was really awesome but much busier than expected, so I didn't get as much time to write as I'd have liked. From here on in updates will be "whenever the hell I can manage them," though the next chapter's mostly written. I just can't promise anything anymore because I don't trust myself not to break said promises… hahah. Especially not since uni's getting pretty intense now.

* * *

Blue is standing at the glass front of his apartment building when I get to his place. He could have been sitting in the lobby – he could even have sat on one of the couches that faces the window so he could see when I showed up – but he chose to stand and wait for me. The minute he sees me, he opens the door and ushers me in. Though his expression is anxious, there's no mistaking the hint of light in his eyes at seeing me again, at what I asked when I called him.

"Let's go upstairs," he says gently, his hand at the small of my back. Comforting. Close. I just nod. I've been numb since I left the university, getting on the bus without a word, sitting staring out the window, getting off and walking the ten minute distance from the stop to Blue's apartment building. I don't know if I could think about it right now if I tried.

He fixes me a cup of tea and sits me down on the couch. He sits next to me, cross-legged and facing me, concerned but patient. But I don't really know what to say. There's so much on my mind I can't even think where to begin.

Eventually, after almost ten minutes, he asks quietly, "Naruto? How are you feeling?"

My throat catches. There's so much _meaning_ in his voice when he says my name – so much care, like he fears it will shatter if he approaches it the wrong way. Like it means everything to him. I close my eyes and lower my head. "Conflicted," I say finally.

Slowly he nods. "Do you need to talk about what happened?"

"I… don't know. I don't know if I'm ready to."

"That's okay. Do you need anything? Something to eat? Do you want to call home?"

I hadn't considered that. My parents know nothing about all of this. I've told them a bit about Sasuke – about how I've met a new friend, how we get along really well – but I haven't talked to them in a couple of weeks and so much has happened since then. They know I've been seeing Blue for a long time.

"Not right now. Maybe later."

"Should I leave you alone?"

"No," I say at once, turning sharply. He's slightly startled at my sudden movement, but quickly recovers.

"Okay." He reaches out, then hesitates. Finally he settles on holding his hand out, palm up, towards me: an invitation, not an advance. "I'll stay here. I'm here for you, Naruto."

Slowly I nod. "Thanks."

I put my half-drunk tea down on the table, then sit back. Slowly I put my hand in his. His fingers close around mine; I grip his hand tighter, and then I realize I'm trembling. He holds my hand firmly, keeping me steady as I feel myself falling apart, my heart picking up speed, my breathing coming shorter, my body shaking. I close my eyes, swallow, try to take a deep breath. Everything's coming crashing down on me at once. I pull my feet up onto the couch and hug my knees, my chest aching, but no tears come. My eyes stay dry, my emotions locked inside me. Blue moves closer and gently rubs my back, holding my hand all the while.

"I'm here if you need me," he whispers. "Just say the word. Anything."

I turn to him, then drop my head against his shoulder, just to be close to him. I'm still trembling, but just knowing that I'm with somebody – someone who cares for me, someone who I know would do anything for me – makes me feel infinitely better.

He puts an arm around me and holds me. "You'll be okay. Everything will be fine."

"You can't know that," I breathe.

"I can. I do. Trust me, Naruto. I mean it. Believe in me."

I do. I do believe him. Blue's never given me any reason not to trust him, really. I feel like crap for ever keeping him at arm's length. "Why'd I ever leave you?" I murmur.

I can feel his heart beating fast and strong against my own chest. "It's okay."

I pull back, but only to push him back so that he's lying on the couch. I follow after, curling up half beside and half on top of him, sliding my arms around him. "Stay with me."

"If you want to sleep, the bed might be more comfortable," he suggests.

"Here's fine." I don't really want to move.

"Okay." He combs my hair with his fingers. "I'm staying. Don't worry."

I close my eyes and snuggle my head under his chin. As soon as he stops speaking, however, my mind fills the silence. Echoes of Sasuke's cutting words, afterimages of the fire in his eyes, ghost sensations of the pain I felt when I found out Sasuke had been – had been with Sai since before—

"Katsumi?"

"Yes, Naruto?"

"Sing something for me?"

He pauses, surprised. "Sing?"

"Mm." I need a distraction. I don't want to think right now. I don't want to remember what just happened. "Anything."

Katsumi thinks for a moment, then begins to sing softly. It's not one of my favourite songs, but I know it well and it suits his voice, a peaceful melody that could pass for a lullaby. The sound and the words are all I need; it's enough for my mind to stop working full-time and just pause to take in the music. It isn't long before I begin to nod off, the words fading in and out of my awareness: _…I'm right here when you need someone… Take time and find where you've been… It's alright if you don't know what you need._

—

"Are you feeling better?" asks Katsumi over breakfast the next day.

"I think so. A little." I chew vapidly on a bit of bacon. I've been pushing back the thoughts, the memories, the emotions – trying not to think about it, trying not to break down. Or perhaps not "trying not to" so much as "too numb to." In retrospect, it seems a lot like I might have been in a state of shock. It seems stupid, really. Relationship drama always seems stupid from an objective point of view. But Sasuke meant something to me, dammit, and now everything's just blown up and gone to shit. And… I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to suspect I might not have been entirely in the right. I trust my own judgment, but I also know, instinctively, that I trust Sasuke's too. But I don't really know how to handle that yet, so I'm not thinking about it.

Or at least, I'm trying not to think about it.

"We should get going in a bit," says Katsumi, checking the clock. "We've got improv first thing."

I nod silently. I'd nearly forgotten that class was even a thing, what with everything that's happened to me in less than 24 hours. At least improv will be good for distracting me.

"Do you want to do something after classes today?" Katsumi goes on, his tone light. "We could go for a walk in the market. Or rent a movie. What do you feel like?"

"Anything's good." As long as it doesn't involve long periods of reflection. "On second thought, let's rent a movie. It's freezing out."

"I'm up for that." Katsumi grabs my plate and cutlery, then stacks it on his before bringing everything to the sink to be washed later. "Come on, we don't wanna miss the bus."

Going to uni does, in fact, turn out to be a good distraction. Thanks to traffic we're almost late to class, and after warm-ups we jump into improv right away, with hardly a pause between activities. Even when I'm sitting watching another group, I set my mind to studying them, watching the way they move, the cadence of their voices, the emotions they project. I try to predict what they'll do next. I critique their performance in my head. It's a surprisingly refreshing task – I rarely bother to do it unless I'm asked to, and even then it's begrudgingly – but procrastination is a funny thing: it often gets you to do other important things you wouldn't normally do unless you had something even more important you should have been doing at the time, which I definitely do right now. So instead I make an effort to further my education and end up actually being pretty inspired to get up and act, and ultimately I do a lot better today than I normally would.

"Hey, you did really well," says Katsumi when he catches up to me at break, water bottle in hand. "You seemed really into it."

"Thanks. So did you." I watch him as he leans against the wall next to me, shifting a little closer.

"Hey, kiddos." Kiba waves and comes over. "You guys look like you're in cahoots."

"What does that even mean?" I say, as Katsumi laughs.

Kiba just shrugs. "So what's the deal? You two nearly missed the attendance call."

"Traffic," I say, raising an eyebrow, trying to figure out what he's implying. "We took the bus. Too fucking cold to walk."

"Hm." Kiba looks at me, his expression calculating.

"We all know what you wanna ask," says Katsumi, draping himself over my shoulders, "so just ask it."

"Hey, wh—" I begin at once, then belatedly realize I'm not really that annoyed. He gets off of me at my reaction, but I can still feel his hand at my back, rubbing in small circles. I decide I'm okay with it. In fact, it's quite nice. I relax into him.

"I knew it!" says Kiba, watching me with a gleam in his eyes. "You said yes, didn't you?"

"Y-yes?" I repeat, baffled. "Yes to what?"

"Why else would you guys be late to class together? Why else would you _be_ together unless you were – well, together?"

"You know we live along the same bus route."

"But you _are _together, right? Don't play dumb. You know what I mean."

Before I can demand that he say it straight out, Katsumi interjects, "Yep. Me and him."

"Right," says Kiba, "ergo you must have said yes. Katsumi asked you out properly and you said yes."

"You don't even know for sure that that's how it happened," I snap.

"What, you asked him?"

"Just shut up and stop prying, alright?" I turn away, going off to find my bag and check my phone for messages as an excuse to get away from Kiba. There's a text from Sakura closing off our conversation this morning about where I'd been all night, and a string of them from Takeshi asking how things have been going since I chatted with them last. My stomach turns with doubt. I text back, _It's a long story. I'll call you later or something._

"Naruto?" It's Katsumi, approaching tentatively. "I'm sorry. Did I upset you?"

"What? No. You didn't do anything wrong." I look over his shoulder to where Kiba's chatting with someone else, stealing glances at us every now and then.

"You know he's only worried about us," says Katsumi, seeing where I'm looking. "He just wants to make sure his friends are okay."

"I know, I know." I sigh. "It's just… it's like he completely failed to read the mood. Something about his tone ticked me off." And I especially didn't like his insinuating that we were late because we'd slept together or something. For one, that's not his business, and for another, we didn't. Of course, that wouldn't normally bug me, but given the situation…

"It's okay if you're not ready to talk about it." Katsumi puts a hand on my arm. "But if you do need someone to lend an ear, you know I'll be there anytime."

"Yeah. I know." I smile reassuringly at him. At least somebody seems to understand the conflict I'm going through.

"You still up for that movie tonight?"

I nod. "Of course."

"Good." His hand moves down my arm a little. Someone calls his name, and he glances past me. "Oh, it's Becca. I'll talk to you later, alright, Naruto?"

"Sure." I watch him go to Becca and her group, who all start talking to him at once. He smiles, a little apologetic, a little modest, but mostly just happy. I notice a couple of them sneaking glances at me. Feigning disinterest, I go back to my phone. They're probably questioning him about our relationship. I don't think we've been acting drastically different from how we used to – no one in this room is a stranger to our spontaneous, quickfire make-outs, and even before he'd confessed Katsumi had been acting a little nicer than I'd come to expect from him – but maybe he told them just now, or even before he'd asked me out. Maybe they just noticed a difference in our interactions that I didn't as a participating party.

Actually looking at my phone now, I notice that Takeshi's replied to my text: _I hear ya. Wanna come over tonight? We're doing beef stew._

Shiroi's beef stew is the best food I have ever tasted outside of my parents' cooking. It's a shame to miss it, and I'd normally pick the name twins' place over a date with Katsumi, but I did make plans with Katsumi first and – well, he's my boyfriend now. That counts for something. _I wish, but I'm booked,_ I reply. _Tomorrow? I'm free in the afternoon._

_Sure. We'll save you some leftovers for lunch and in exchange you can tell us the whole deal._

I fight back a wave of doubt. I'm not entirely sure I _want_ to tell them the whole deal, especially not Shiroi, who I'd bet you 20 bucks is going to psychoanalyze every word I say, along with the inflection, emotion, and volume of my voice. Also every twitch of every muscle. Body posture, facial expressions, hand movements, jittery legs, even the way my eyes wander or flicker. It's useful information for an actor, and I can fake it to some degree, but Shiroi's gotten freakishly good at what I consider the closest possible thing to mind reading.

_Okay,_ I send finally. _Then I'll be there around one._

Katsumi and I grab a DVD from the rental place on our way home. We make dinner together, then huddle under a blanket on the couch to watch the movie. We're pressed side to side against each other, and it's warm and comfortable. I like this – being with Katsumi. It's simple. It makes sense. It's… domestic. Everything is going well until I feel his hand slide up my thigh. I jump and grab his wrist.

He pulls his hand back, but my grip on him is so tight he can't actually pull it away. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"I – nothing." I let go of his wrist and turn back to the movie, hoping we can just… pretend nothing ever happened.

And we do. Katsumi doesn't try anything again, and neither of us says a word. But he isn't leaning against me anymore; the only contact we have – and it doesn't even really count as contact – is the fact that we're both under the blanket together. I can't focus on the movie anymore, my mind churning with thoughts of the real world. Why'd I react so suddenly? I mean, now that I think about it, I remember thinking I probably won't be sleeping with Katsumi again. That was… after I'd slept with Sasuke. I slept with Sasuke, had an argument with him, and started dating Katsumi. And I thought my life was a mess before.

The credits start to roll, but neither of us moves. I watch the names pass by – the stars, the supporting cast, the other characters, the tech crew, and wonder if we'll be staring at the screen until it goes back to the menu, where it'll loop the same minute-long preview for an indefinite amount of time. Thankfully, Katsumi breaks the tension. He moves the blanket off himself and stands up to stop the movie and take it out of the DVD player. "Do you want tea or something? What do you want to do now?"

"Tea might be nice. Or, you know what? I think I could do with a soak in the bathtub." I'm not sure whether a long period of time to reflect on things is a good idea, but by this point the thoughts are more or less bashing at my brain trying to be heard, so it'll probably result in less of a headache. Maybe.

"I'll go start the water," says Katsumi, and heads off to the bathroom. I watch him go, then clear off the pizza box and take the cups to the sink to wash. But being in the kitchen alone makes me antsy. Looks like alone time is not good. It's almost as bad as being alone after an anxiety attack, except that now the thing that's assaulting my brain is not a demon but rather just the thought-induced product of my own fuck-ups.

I quickly wash the cups, then go to check on Katsumi. He's sitting on the edge of the tub as it fills, watching the steaming water pour from the tap. He shifts when I approach, but doesn't turn, so I just stand by the door and watch him and feel my mind calm down. The sound of the tap is loud enough to drown out any silence, and yet there's still a cautious air around us, a tension about the conversation we should be having but aren't.

"Naruto?" Katsumi's voice is so quiet I can barely hear him above the running water.

"Yeah?"

But he doesn't answer for a while. I wait so long I wonder if he's turned to stone; he doesn't even move for a couple of minutes until, finally, he reaches out and turns off the tap. The water slows to a drip, echoing against the tiled floor and walls.

"Nothing." He stands and approaches me, but stops a couple of feet away. He smiles. "Enjoy."

I nod slowly. "Thanks. Do you – uh…"

I frown. I'm not sure what I was about to ask. But Katsumi's patient eyes just watch me, telling me that it's alright, that I don't have to have anything to say. I drop my gaze, giving up.

"Just call if you need anything," he says. "I'll leave you to it."

He slips past me and out the door. Something leaps in my heart, kick-starting me into action; before I know what's happening my hand is around his wrist, spinning him back around.

"Wait," I breathe. "Don't leave me."

It's only when his eyes widen, when the tone of my words sinks in, that I realize how desperate I must seem, how desperate I feel. I don't know what I'm asking. All I know is that I don't want to be alone.

"Naruto…" He steps closer, placing a hand gently over mine. "What do you want me to do?"

"I… Well, we're…" I hesitate, then forge on. "We're together."

He stares.

"I'm serious," I say. "I know the decision I made. I want to give it a shot."

"But what about…" He trails off.

My brow furrows. I know who's on both our minds. "I don't want to think about it. Just… stay? Come join me in the bath."

He hesitates a moment longer, then nods. "Sure."

I let go of his wrist, then go over to the tub and test the water. It's deliciously warm and silky with faintly scented bath oils. I take my clothes off, then get into the tub, sighing with contentment. I then look to Katsumi. He blinks, as though unsure of what to do.

"Aren't you going to join me?" I ask.

"Oh. Of course." He closes the bathroom door, then busies himself undressing. I watch him. He's… beautiful. Slim waist, prominent hips, lean shoulders. Smooth, pale skin. His knees are ever so slightly knobbly, but otherwise his limbs are graceful. And those eyes. Those bright eyes meet mine as he sets his clothes aside; they watch me as he climbs into the tub and settles down on the other side. Katsumi has never been body-shy, but he's reserved now, sliding down into the water up to his neck. My legs are extended on either side of him, but he keeps his feet close to himself, knees bent and poking out of the water, hands resting on top of them.

For a few minutes we just soak. I close my eyes and relax, feeling the heat seep into me. Though I'm acutely aware of Katsumi's presence, none of my five physical senses are really picking him up, and it makes me start to feel unsettlingly alone. So I shift my legs a little closer, my ankles bumping up against his thighs. He flinches, and I open my eyes.

"You okay?" I ask.

"Yeah. Fine." He glances down at my feet. "You just took me by surprise."

"Sorry." I don't move, though. I guess it feels a little hypocritical after the way I jumped during the movie, but I know Katsumi doesn't mind. I know he wants it, and I guess that's what makes me feel as though I can reach out to him, even though I won't let him reach out to me.

"So… I was thinking," he says after a moment's silence. "About… well, I'd just like to clarify where we stand, I guess."

His expression is sombre, but there's nothing aggressive about him. If anything, he looks apprehensive. I'm surprised he asked, to be honest – I mean, it's something I'd been thinking about too, but I was hoping we could just… not talk about it. Maybe I was hoping if I waited long enough, he'd crack and ask me. Well, that's what he's done, but it's way sooner than I'd expected.

I sigh. "Is it about how I stopped you during the movie?"

"No – well – kinda. I mean, it's okay if you – it's not just that, but – I don't mind—"

"Katsumi."

He stops at once.

"Take a breath," I say. "One thing at a time."

He breathes deeply, then tries again. "I'm sorry for trying to… touch you. I just thought…"

"No, it's okay." I sit up and put my hand on top of his, then lace our fingers together. "You didn't do anything out of line. It makes sense for you to expect me to be okay with it, considering what our relationship was like before. I just…"

"It's alright," he says gently. "You don't have to want it."

"I want to want it. It's not like I don't want sex, but… I'm just in a weird place right now. You're gonna have to put up with me, I guess. Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize." He smiles and squeezes my hand. "I'll go at your pace. Don't be afraid to tell me if I'm going too far."

I nod. "Thanks, Katsumi." I cross my legs in the water, then lean forward and touch my forehead to his. Truth be told, I still don't know if I'll ever sleep with him again, and as bad as it sounds that might be a dealbreaker in terms of a real relationship. I mean, I dated an ace once and I didn't have any problems then, but to be perfectly honest I was glad when I could start having sex again. And since sex with Katsumi is pretty much a given – considering his nature, considering our relationship for the past year – not sleeping with him just seems wrong. I'm going to want to fuck him, and it's gonna hurt until either we break up or the horniness outweighs the guilt. Knowing I've fucked Sasuke in between is messing with my head. Katsumi has no problem with it; he never has in the past, and he's made a move on me even though he knows I cheated on him, so it clearly doesn't bother him. But I can't quite bring myself to overcome my gut instinct and let myself have him – let myself give that to him. Because I can tell he wants it. I can tell I'm holding him back.

"There are other things," I say finally. "You're thinking about something else, aren't you?"

He pauses. "You said we were 'together'."

"I meant it."

"I know you did. But… I'm not experienced with real relationships and… dating. I mean, what exactly does that entail?"

This catches me by surprise. Of course I'm aware that Katsumi hasn't actually dated since that one girl he mentioned from his childhood, but even then, who knows how close their relationship was to conventional dating? But I'd never really thought about it this way until now. Katsumi's the first person to go to for advice on sex, but when it comes to relationships he's almost clueless.

"It's not really that complicated," I say. "It means we're boyfriends. It means we spend time together. It means we take care of each other. It means we go on dates."

"Weren't we already doing most of that?" he asks, his voice lowering to a whisper, his breath washing against my skin. "About the only thing that's different is the label."

"Well… _you_ were already doing most of that." My eyelids drop halfway and I tilt my head a little. "And it's about time I reciprocated. That's what the label means. It means this is mutual."

He splits into a smile. "I like the sound of that."

"Good." I press my lips to his. He tenses, then relaxes against me. I feel his hand come up to my chest, flat against my heartbeat. But he goes no further. After a moment I pull away from the kiss, and his eyes flick from my lips to my eyes, alight with joy. I have to smile back. It's enchanting how much he loves me. He's so hopeful, so optimistic, I can only imagine that this really is going to work out.

We chat quietly about trivial things as we help each other wash. I lather his hair with shampoo; he scrubs my back with soap. We spend some time practicing scripts for class. We can't remember a lot of the lines, though, and eventually we go off on a tangent talking about why the hell the two characters in the scene would ever take a bath together. It's absurd, but I love it. We recite lines where we can remember them and substitute our own dialogue where we can't, saying everything in ridiculously over-the-top voices. Eventually we get too rowdy and start splashing water over the edge of the tub and then we decide it's probably time to stop and get out. So we drain the tub, rinse each other off with the shower, and dry off before throwing ourselves into bed naked, trusting the covers and our shared body heat to keep the cold of winter at bay. Yes, I like being with Katsumi. It's nice. It's fun.

So why do I have to keep telling myself that?

* * *

Excuse me while I prepare myself for oncoming deluge of angry reviews.

R+F


	30. Perspective

**Chapter Thirty:** Perspective

**Words: **5021

I was hoping to get back to LUST quickly after I finished my essay and build up maybe a couple chapters' worth of buffer before posting again, but it's been a long time and I've had some trouble continuing writing. I've had this chapter finished for a while in any case, so here you go. I can guarantee nothing as to when the next update will be.

* * *

I wake up the next morning with a hard-on. It's not like either of us minds, but in Katsumi's eyes I can see a desire to offer to help. He doesn't say it – probably because he knows I'll say no. Because I _would _say no. We have class and I don't have time to take care of it the conventional way, so I just ignore it until it fades, but it leaves me feeling a little pent-up, a little frustrated, and it's hard to concentrate on class that morning with that on top of knowing I'm gonna have to face Takeshi and Takeshi this afternoon. It's not that I don't like them, and it's not that I don't think they're trying to help. I just really don't want to think about the things they want me to think about.

So, after class, I give Katsumi a quick kiss goodbye and head off to the name twins' flat. I stall for time, but I can only walk so slowly and it's too cold to stay still very long. By the time I get there, I'm starving.

"Naruto!" says Takeshi brightly, pulling me into the flat by way of a crushing hug. "You sure took your sweet time getting here. Come on, you hungry?"

I manage to wrestle my way out of his grip. "What're you kicking your heels up about?" I ask, baffled by his overly optimistic behaviour.

"What, do I need an excuse to be happy?" He beams.

Shiroi's in the kitchen, putting a giant bowl of leftover stew into the microwave. "Ignore him," he says easily. "He's just on a sex high."

"If you say so." I set my bag down by one of the dinner chairs, then throw my coat over the back of it before sitting down.

"Sounds like you've had a rough couple of days," says Shiroi. "So you told Blue? Did it not turn out well?"

"I dunno if you could say it turned out badly… but it didn't turn out well either." I sigh. I don't really want to talk about it, but I know it's good for me. With the help of a couple of gently probing questions from Shiroi, I manage to begin telling my story. And once I do get started, it all comes out at once, all of these frustrated feelings stuck behind the dam I built. Once I break the dam, it rushes like a torrent. I tell them about how Katsumi intercepted me to confess to me and ask me out, how I ran away and looked to Sakura for advice, how Kiba had known both our stories all along. About how I finally came clean to Katsumi, how he forgave me and I rejected him all the same. How I walked in on Sasuke and Sai. How Sasuke and I argued – oh, how we argued, how we shouted and flung accusations at each other and how he betrayed my trust and my love and me.

Takeshi nearly drops his spoon into his stew. "He slept with _Sai_?" he says, dumbfounded. "He knows about – well, about the dynamic between you and Sai, doesn't he?"

"He sure as fucking hell does! I don't understand what he's not seeing. How could he seriously think sleeping with Sai wouldn't count as a dick move? Did he honestly think that would make me go, 'Oh, well I see the problem now, I'll just move in with you shall I'? Because if he did, he was sorely mistaken. In fact, he drove me to do pretty much the last thing he wanted, which is for me to get back with Katsumi!"

Shiroi's eyes flash warning, but Takeshi's already speaking. "What, you're back to sleeping with him?"

"Uh – not yet," I say, bewilderment abating my anger. "What I meant was… I thought I'd actually give him a chance. At dating."

"Really? After all you said about him being an arrogant asshole?"

"He – he's trying!" I retort, suddenly feeling the need to defend both myself and Katsumi. "I mean, he's made a serious effort to be nicer lately. I think… I think it could work out. He's really sweet when he's not being a bastard."

Takeshi smiles. "Well, it's great you're giving him a chance. You're a better judge of character than most. If he can change your mind, he must really mean it. And Sasuke's suddenly a douchebag, so all the better, right? Did you notice any hints about this before now?"

"That he was gonna fuck my housemate? No," I say at once. "As far as I knew, they hated each other. They insulted each other so much it was practically standard for them. Every sentence they exchanged was some sort of jab. It's almost as if they…" I trail off as it hits me. "…as if they were _enjoying_ it."

"What, you think they were hatefucking?"

"I dunno. Maybe. They both seemed way too calm about it when I saw them though. Anyway, who cares what they saw in each other?"

"It might do you good to care," Shiroi says.

"Or it might make me want to punch them both even more."

"No, listen." Shiroi waves his spoon, looking thoughtful. "I've been thinking about what you said about whether or not Sasuke was aware of the ramifications of sleeping with Sai."

"What, you think he wasn't?"

"No, I think he was. I don't think he expected you to find out, though."

I glower at this. "So he knew it was a dick move and he meant to hide it from me. I was obviously sorely mistaken when I thought his assholery was at its highest."

Shiroi continues heedless of my comment. "I'm thinking that caring about _why_ they were sleeping together might in fact be a good approach right now."

I frown. "What does it matter?"

"It matters because it gives us insight into Sasuke's reasoning. I think it would be beneficial to think about this from Sasuke's point of view." He puts his spoon down in his empty bowl and looks me in the eye. "Maybe Sasuke picked Sai. Maybe Sai approached Sasuke first. The fact remains that there's no way he could ignore the relationship between you and Sai, but he consented to a sexual relationship with Sai despite this knowledge. He knew how Sai felt about you, and how you felt about Sai, am I right?"

"He was pretty perceptive about it one time we talked," I recall. "I told him Sai knows I won't sleep with him, and he told me not to rub it in Sai's face."

"Wise words," Shiroi agrees. "But not the focus right now. You might want to think about that one later."

"Shiroi, I've told you before, I don't come to you for psychotherapy sessions—"

"Let him," Takeshi says. "It's just how he thinks stuff through."

I sigh, but of course Takeshi's right. Maybe Shiroi just can't help being a little patronizing sometimes.

"Let's say, for the sake of argument, that Sasuke chose to sleep with Sai – and, in fact, specifically made sure it was Sai – because he thought that would hurt you the most. Sai's the ideal candidate. He's male, and certainly draws the eye if not your conventional idea of attractive – Sasuke wouldn't stoop so low as to sleep with someone he wasn't at least mildly interested in; I don't think he'd consider the payout worth it."

"Yeah, I can agree on that one," I say. Shiroi's met Sasuke a grand total of twice – and he was drunk one of those times – and already he's got him analyzed to a T.

"And of course Sai is someone close to you, someone who wants you, someone who carries a degree of frustration surrounding you. And I'm not saying that's your fault," he says, seeing that I'm about to retort, "because yes, you were with Blue at the time, and it's just a result of bad timing that Sai couldn't be with you. But if Sasuke wanted you to find out, it'd be because he wanted to show you how he felt."

"Because sleeping with my housemate definitely screams 'I love you,' doesn't it?"

"Not the love," says Shiroi. "The frustration. He's made plenty of attempts at showing you his love. You said so yourself. When you think about it, the situations aren't so dissimilar. Person A and person B have a mutual attraction for each other, but person B is sleeping with someone else. In one case, Sasuke is person A and you're person B; in another, the positions are switched. He might be using this as a way to show you what it's like to be in his shoes, to know the person he likes is with someone else and that there's nothing he can do about that."

"Must be hard for him," Takeshi muses, "being friends with you. I mean, it's obvious you like each other a lot – and it's mutual and all – but he can't be with you because you're boning someone else. And as you've said multiple times it's, and I quote, 'the best sex in the galaxy'."

I shrug. "Well, it is."

"It's subjective."

Shiroi clears his throat, then continues, "Sasuke can, of course, choose to sleep with someone else if he so desires, but I was under the impression that he was holding back, hoping to get you somehow, Naruto. But the longer he waited, the closer you two became, and the less chance there seemed to be for him to be with you the way he wanted. So eventually he did choose to sleep with someone else. And that someone happened to be Sai. You said that the time you walked in on them wasn't the first time they'd been together, right?"

"Sasuke more or less implied they'd been at it a while," I confirm, through gritted teeth. "Since before I slept with him."

"And you had no hints whatsoever?"

"Well, you know I can be kind of oblivious…" I frown. "But it never really crossed my mind that they might be sleeping together. I had no reason to think that."

"We're not the best witnesses, but I wouldn't say so either."

Shiroi nods. "I agree. They had a degree of familiarity when I saw them interact, but certainly not one you'd link to a sexual relationship. So I'd say Sasuke's initial intention was not, in fact, to anger you, but rather just a relationship for his and Sai's mutual benefit. They were both frustrated – over the same person, interestingly – and they found solace in each other. I don't think there was any malicious intent to begin with."

"How would you know, though?" I say at once. "You said yourself just before that Sasuke was fully aware of the implications of sleeping with Sai."

"People are much more complicated than just that. Sasuke may have considered multiple facets of the situation, just like I'm doing now. Maybe all at once, or maybe at different times. I think there's more to Sasuke's actions than just one or the other – he wanted relief, and he found that if he went to Sai for that he could also make an impression on you, thereby killing two, maybe three birds with a single stone."

"Some impression. All it got him was a one-way ticket out of my life."

"Do you really mean that?" asks Takeshi.

"What?"

"You're not just gonna cut him out of your life forever, are you? I mean, you were smitten with this guy. You said yourself it was a love to rival first loves."

"…I wasn't exaggerating," I admit. "As overdramatic as it may have sounded, I meant it."

"Do you still want to be with him?" Shiroi asks.

"No, he's a douche."

"Hmm." Whatever Shiroi thinks of that, he doesn't voice it. "Naruto, I think you have every right to be angry, but you also have to take into account that Sasuke has every right to sleep with who he wants, and so does Sai."

"But—"

"No, Naruto, listen." Shiroi stares me down until I stop protesting, cowed. "It doesn't make Sasuke a good person, but it doesn't mean you can stop him either. He started sleeping with Sai before you and he hooked up, and he never had any plans of telling you – that more than anything says it wasn't a ploy to make you jealous. He just wanted to sleep with someone, and that's it. How do you know he and Sai don't have feelings for each other?"

"Because they don't!" I exclaim, though I know full well that isn't any sort of argument. "You're the master of deduction; you tell me there was any actual love between them when you watched them interact."

"I haven't seen them interact much. I know you have," he says, stopping me once more with that piercing gaze of his, "but I just wanted you to consider it. As a hypothetical situation. If Sai and Sasuke actually had feelings for each other – or if Sasuke had decided to date or sleep with someone else instead – what would you do? You can't make any claims on Sasuke because you've never agreed to be in a relationship with him. If we temporarily ignore Sai's relationship to you as a factor—"

"But it's the biggest factor—!"

"—then your arguments are null. I know," he says, because I'm seething. "I know it's the biggest factor, and I know that in reality you can't just ignore it. But try to understand Sasuke's point of view."

"I don't fucking want to," I snarl. "He slept with my best friend. That's pretty much the worst it can get without him sleeping with my _boyfriend_, which he couldn't do because I didn't _have_ a boyfriend at the time."

Takeshi speaks up. "Well… I mean, Naruto, think about it. Sasuke's been wanting to bone you for like, a month now. It was more than just sex he wanted, and it was mutual. It must've been really frustrating for him to watch you say that and then stay with another guy you had no love for whatsoever. I mean, it would just seem a bit illogical to him, wouldn't it? If it'd been him – if you'd wanted to date him, but he was sleeping with someone else, who would you say was more important to him: you or the fuck buddy?"

"…Me, obviously," I say, though it's hard, knowing it means admitting defeat. But Takeshi and Takeshi have never been the kind I argue violently with. They don't lord it over me when they're right and I'm wrong. They're only here to help – mediators, even when the other party isn't around.

Shiroi nods. "Eventually, Sasuke was going to stop holding out hope for you. As strongly as you may feel for each other, you've only known each other a month. It's short enough that someone might consider it a failed attempt and move on."

My throat constricts; I glance away. It makes sense. When Shiroi strips away the personal implications like that – when he takes Sai out of the equation, when he frames it as an anonymous story and asks me to make an unbiased, objective conclusion – there's no denying it.

And I fucking hate it.

I push my empty bowl of stew away from me and fold my arms on the table, resting my forehead against them. Of course Shiroi's right. He's always right. And I knew the answer all along, too; that's what hurts the most. Acceptance of denial.

A hand rests on my back and rubs it in circles. "It's okay," says Takeshi. "We're not saying you're wrong in being angry. Just… don't put all the blame on Sasuke."

"Everything's so fucked up," I mumble. "How is that possible? For us both to be so spectacularly wrong?"

"People do illogical things when they're in love," says Shiroi.

"All of my actions were perfectly logical."

"Not so sure about that one, Naru," Takeshi admits. "Logical from a subjective point of view, but maybe not the best idea. Rebounding back with Blue, for one…"

"It's not a rebound," I protest. "I'm giving him a chance."

"Doesn't exempt it from being a rebound."

"I believe you when you say you're really going to give him a chance," says Shiroi, "but I can't help but worry it's going to end up hurting him."

"It won't hurt him if I like him."

"But are you really over Sasuke?"

"Do I have to be? You can love two people at once. Takeshi proved that."

"I still do prove it," says Takeshi with a shrug. "You can be over someone and still love them. I may never date you, Naruto, but I've come to terms with that. Being with Blue might not be your best bet until you're sure you won't want to leave him for Sasuke. It's going to hurt more than just him."

I raise my head. "So, what, I break up with him again now, even before I've even given him the chance I said I would?"

"Well… you kinda made your own bed there."

"The best path of action would've been for you not to have gone back to Blue at all," says Shiroi, "but given that that's already been done, the situation gets trickier. It might be wiser overall to just break it off now and not risk hurting him even more later, but from his point of view it's going to look spontaneous and, well, not very nice. You can explain the situation to him and hope for the best, or you can really sincerely attempt to be in a relationship with him. For all we know, it could turn out to be a great match." He smiles.

"It's not like I wasn't already sincerely attempting it." I sit back in my chair. "I can get over Sasuke. I can give Katsumi a chance. He really is sweet," I tell them.

"We know, Naruto." Takeshi pats my shoulder. I think I see him exchange a glance with Shiroi, but it's so brief, so practiced for them that I can hardly tell for sure, let alone know what they communicated in that instant. This much is obvious: they spend way too much time together. I'm surprised they can't communicate via aura yet.

"Well," says Shiroi, "whether you want to break it off with Blue or pursue this relationship is entirely up to you. And I know you think I don't believe it'll work out, but my… psychoanalysis… aside, I really hope it does. For your sake more than anything."

His words are so optimistic, so well-wishing… but why do I detect a note of desperation in his voice? Why does Takeshi's expression have a sense of inevitability about it? Why don't I feel like they trust me on this?

I don my metaphorical actor's shoes, mentally stepping into the role I need. "Thanks," I say, my voice carefully free of sarcasm, nothing but sincerity, unlike them. I play pure because I need them to think I suspect nothing. "For everything. I know I whine about your psychoanalysis, but it's like medicine, isn't it?" I add a self-deprecating smile. A mention of a drawback, a touch of humour – sealed.

"I keep telling him he should be a therapist," says Takeshi. "He should be studying psych, not photography. He likes it twice as much."

Shiroi shrugs. "There's a psychology to advertising."

"I hope you plan to use your powers for good, not evil," I laugh.

"Ah, well, small men don't do evil for the sake of evil, do they? They do it because it's the only way to make a living. We're enablers. Humankind won't get by on good will and faith. There's darkness in all of us somehow."

"Cheerful." I push my seat back and stand. "Thanks Well, thanks a bunch for the meal and the talk, you guys. but I should probably get going though."

"Glad we could help," says Shiroi. "If you ever need advice, you know you can drop by or call."

"You sound way too much like a therapist." I laugh.

We say our goodbyes, though not before they make me promise to come by sometime next week, and I head off home, feeling as though a weight's been lifted from my shoulders, but also holding a lingering disgruntlement at how irritatingly _right_ Shiroi can be. Of course, it's not his fault. It's not like he's changing any of the facts, just shifting the focus a little, and always in my best interests, but it still leaves me with a bit of a sour aftertaste. I get over it eventually, I guess.

I can see the light on through the living room window when I reach home. My immediate reaction is to be happy – I love company and I love coming home to my two best friends – but then I remember one of my best friends is currently not in my good books. I doubt he'll try to confront me, though, and if he does I can just ignore him. So I shrug it off and let myself in. I hang my coat up and kick my boots off, then steel myself and cross to my room, passing the open door on the left. On the way I sneak a glance in. Both of my housemates are sitting in the kitchen, eating, and Sakura's looking right at me.

I stop and meet her eyes, and I can tell at once that she knows everything. I haven't talked to her in two days, since before the whole fiasco, and though she texted me a couple of times asking how it went, I just told her I didn't want to talk about it. And I wasn't home last night, so it's been a while since I've seen her at all. But it's clear that she's talked to Sai. Sai, sitting next to her. Sai, who hasn't made a single move to acknowledge my presence, who's still eating as casually as though he were alone. But I can read tension in the line of his shoulders and the stiffness of his posture and the slight duck of his head; I can read his poker face better than any of his real emotions. He's afraid. He's subconsciously making himself smaller to avoid confrontation. And he's lucky he knows me as well as I know him, because he knows I respond to challenges, not to wimps.

I take one last look at Sakura, who's trying to convey a question with her eyes. Whatever she wants to ask, I ignore it. I turn away and shut myself in my room.

A little later, I hear the front door open and close. Then there's a knock at my bedroom door. "Naruto?" comes Sakura's voice, tentative. "Can I come in?"

"Whatever," I say, just loud enough for her to hear. She lets herself in, finding me sprawled on my stomach in bed, doing absolutely nothing. I haven't moved in the past half hour, just stared at the headboard and focused on my breathing and stewed in my own thoughts. She sits on the bed, back against the headboard, and combs her fingers through my hair. Immediately I relax, releasing tension I forgot I was carrying.

"Tell me your side of the story," she says.

"I don't care if Sai's fucking Sasuke. I'm dating Katsumi now."

"Sasuke isn't the reason he went out just now."

"You'll have to excuse me for not believing that, even if you do."

"I understand." She scratches my scalp and I close my eyes, soothed. "So you're dating Blue."

"Yeah. It's a long story," I say with a sigh, and sum it up for her the same way I did for Takeshi and Takeshi – except that what they said about Sasuke's feelings is nagging at me, changing my spin on things. When I think about it, I realize my story to them was a lot more biased. This time, I tell Sakura that we got in a fight. I tell her I was angry with Sasuke for sleeping with Sai behind my back, but that besides that detail I had no problem with his actions.

"I still think I'm more right," I say, a little stubbornly, when my story has caught up to today. "I know it's not a competition or whatever, but…"

"Sasuke did kind of have a lapse in judgment there," Sakura agrees. "Though you come a close second by rebounding with Blue."

"It's not a rebound," I insist. "I've never even been in a relationship with Sasuke. I cheated on Katsumi with him, but I'm gonna get it right this time."

"Naruto…" Sakura sounds apprehensive. "You know what they say about getting back with an ex."

"Katsumi isn't…" I bite my lip. "It was barely an hour."

"It wasn't supposed to be that short, though, was it?"

"If I hadn't met Sasuke, I never even would've broken up with Katsumi! He would've asked me out, I would've said yes, and we'd be right here where we are now except without all the drama."

"You're really telling me you regret meeting Sasuke?"

I pause.

Sakura lies down next to me. "However angry you might be," she says gently, "I can tell Sasuke's good for you, whether it's as a friend or a lover."

"But when it's as an enemy, he destroys me." I shift onto my side, gazing into her eyes. "With something that unpredictable, maybe it's better just to avoid contact altogether."

"What? That's so pessimistic of you." Sakura slaps my cheek, but only lightly, jokingly. "The Naruto I know wouldn't give a damn about the odds."

"The Naruto you know wouldn't have cheated either," I say quietly.

Her hand against my cheek freezes, then slides up into my hair again. "Everyone makes mistakes."

"It isn't just a mistake. It's not just a miscalculation on a math test or – or forgetting a line on opening night. I betrayed the trust of someone who cared about me. Two people, I guess you could say. It's just a miracle that Katsumi's so—"

"—Desperate," Sakura says before I can finish my sentence. "He's a pushover because he loves you. Neither of you is seeing how unhealthy this is."

"It's not unhealthy."

"You don't love him, do you?"

"Who said everyone has to love their date in the first week? You know as well as I do that slow love is often stronger and longer lasting than love at first sight."

"You've known Blue for a year. If you don't love him by now—"

"He's changed!"

She sighs, exasperated and out of arguments. "Okay. Fine. You give him a chance – you're right, it could all work out perfectly. But… be careful, okay? We don't want to break any more hearts."

"I won't break his heart," I promise.

"I didn't mean his." She tucks my hair behind my ear. "You ought to get a haircut."

"I've been thinking of letting it grow a little."

"Like your dad's?"

"Uh… on second thought…"

She laughs. "Do your parents know about all this, by the way? I mean, you do turn to them about a lot of stuff you go through, but I guess this might be a bit more personal."

"Nah, I used to go to them for relationship advice all the time." I smile. "I mean, dad can be… tactless at times, but he has his moments. I haven't talked to them since I went home for the holidays, though."

"Didn't you go home just last weekend?"

"What? Uh – yeah. I mean, besides that though."

"You're a crap liar."

"Mom was sick! She spent most of the weekend asleep."

"…I see." She totally doesn't believe me. But she lets it go, knowing it's not worth her time to argue about it.

"Yeah. Anyway, maybe I'll give them a call a bit later." I throw an arm over her and pull her towards me, and she shuffles closer, cuddling against me. I pull the covers over us to keep us warm. "I dunno, Sakura. I'm – I'm just so _angry_. Except now I feel bad for being angry because Sasuke's not completely wrong, blah, blah. I want to feel justified in being angry with him, but I can't."

"It's not like you don't have a right to be angry," she says. "You just need to realize that you're not the only one. Sasuke's probably pretty annoyed with you too."

"For getting mad at him for sleeping with my best friend?" I snap, firing up again. "What's Sai's take on this, anyway? He better not think he's gonna make a clean getaway."

"Oh, gosh. Don't even ask." Sakura combs my hair again, but this time I can tell it's meant to calm me down because the answer isn't one I'm going to like. "I mean… he asked me not to tell you too much, so I'm not really sure what I can do."

I grit my teeth. Clever of him, involving a neutral third party. I can't find out how he feels because if Sakura told me, she'd be breaking a promise to him. And I don't want her to do that, even if I don't give a shit about respecting Sai's wishes. "Fine," I sigh. "Is there _anything_ you can tell me?"

"Well… he's not dealing with it as casually as you might think. He feels guilty too. But I think he genuinely hadn't expected you to be this upset."

This does _not_ impress me. "He didn't think I'd be upset," I repeat, deadpan.

"He did, but – well I mean, that's not to say he wanted you to be upset, but—" She pauses, tries to collect her thoughts. "I think he just… didn't really consider your feelings on the matter. He didn't expect you to find out."

"Now where have I heard that before?" I flop onto my back, exasperated. "I seriously do not need any more drama in my life. I fucking study the shit, I have enough as it is."

Sakura laughs, then says, "Sorry."

"Nah, it's alright." I smile despite myself. "At least Katsumi will be a relief from said drama. I just need to find a way to avoid Sai now." I glance back at Sakura. "I might not be home much."

Her brows knit together and upward. "You don't have to avoid him," she says. "Just talk to him. I'll mediate if it comes to it."

"…Sorry. For making things hard on you."

"What, why?"

"Well I mean, you're caught in the middle of both of us, being your housemates and your friends and all. It's not fair that you have to get tangled up in it."

"Oh, no, it's no trouble at all! I just… want you guys to not be fighting. For your own sakes."

"We're not fighting. Yet."

"Naruto…"

"Just give me a few days to cool down, alright?" I say. "I need to not be around him. For a bit. I just need to… be with Katsumi."

She pauses for a moment, then says, "Okay. I understand."

* * *

I wish I'd posted this chapter sooner. I think it's an important one in giving a more complete picture of the situation.

On the subject of updating: as hard as it is for me to continue LUST right now, I'm not giving it up, not yet. I admit I've lost interest in it somewhat, and that the rather wide range of comments it's gotten has made me think I've made more mistakes – and bigger mistakes – than I'm okay with, mistakes that at this point can't be fixed with a simple retcon or a couple of tweaks. But I still want to see it through. I don't really know what I can do to reignite my interest in the story. I'm just hoping that if I write for long enough, things will start being interesting again.

R+F


	31. Phases of the Moon

**Chapter Thirty-One:** Phases of the Moon

**Words:** 9339

I don't think I've written a chapter this long in ages, if ever! You guys had better be damn happy. I've barely had time to sit down and write for weeks now. I'm doing 40- to 50-hour weeks in the studio and then I just come home and collapse and I have other hobbies and homework and housework. This past week I had a minor stress attack over this fic, of all the things in my life, because someone innocently asked when I'd update next and I really wanted to update but I just _couldn't_ with all the things I had to do. But I got it together and finished this chapter and I want to post it because there is no way I'm going to be able to work up a multi-chapter buffer anytime soon, so I'm just going to post stuff as it gets written.

* * *

To my immense relief, my life quiets down over the next week or so. The initial buzz in class about my relationship with Katsumi dies down after a day or two, though Kiba still takes advantage of pretty much any opportunity he can get to ask us how it's going. I have a tense couple of nights at home avoiding Sai – asking Sakura through text or Skype chats to check and see if he's in the kitchen; listening for the sound of his bedroom door shutting; showering as fast as I can so as not to run into him in the hall – until I manage to move enough of my stuff over to Katsumi's that I don't really have to go home much anymore.

I practically move in with Katsumi. My laptop's set up at his dining table; I've brought a few sets of clothes and a toothbrush and Kitsune the fox plushie as well. We spend a lot of time reciting skits and helping each other with homework, and I actually end up getting a lot more practice in that way. When we have free time, we just hop on the couch or pile up in bed and cuddle while we do our own individual stuff – surfing the web, reading, playing video games. Sometimes we play-fight; he'll accidentally brush me in a sensitive spot and apologize profusely and then I'll tickle his side and we roll off the bed more than once in a painful, laughing heap.

We get comfortable with each other again. It's slow, though, and more than a little awkward. I don't know where my boundaries lie, and until I do I can't communicate them to him. He never pushes me further than I've allowed him, but I can tell he yearns for more. And, to be perfectly honest, so do I. Call me shallow, but this is the longest I've gone without sex in a while, and when you're with a guy as hot as Blue – and you know just how good the sex can be – it's more than a little frustrating. But we slowly work our way back into it. It's weird, as though I'm back in high school in my first relationship, exploring someone's body as though I have no idea what I'll encounter. I wonder how strange it must feel for Blue, who's been sexually active pretty much constantly until now. But he doesn't complain. He never says a word against me.

Katsumi is, to put it simply, smitten. It's not hard to see. I can ask for pretty much anything and he'll do it. I could ask him to bring me the moon and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he'd try to find a way. His dedication is nothing short of amazing, and I find myself warming to him a lot faster than I'd ever expected. It feels right. It feels natural. Katsumi loves me to pieces and there's no way I could miss it. He absolutely spoils me on Valentine's Day, and that night we have sex again. It's bliss after the dry spell, and neither of us lasts long – but the night's young and we don't have class the next day.

It's nearly a month into this new lifestyle that I finally run into the inevitable. That night I hear Sai go into the kitchen to make food and I listen closely, waiting for him to leave. It seems to take hours. I have no idea what he's doing in there, and I'm starving. I start to wonder if I missed the sounds of him leaving. Or maybe he's in the living room? I don't spend much time there anymore since I've been avoiding Sai.

I hear Sakura leave her room to go to the kitchen, then she comes back in a few minutes, but I didn't hear any conversation. It must be empty in there. I quietly open my door and peek out. There's no light on in the common area, and Sai's door is shut, a general sign we use to show we're in our rooms. With the coast clear, I tiptoe across the hall to the kitchen. I'm just gonna make some pasta and get the fuck out again.

Sometimes I can hardly believe I'm doing this. _Still_ doing this. I shouldn't have to sneak around my own house trying to avoid someone who lives under the same roof as me, who used to be my friend. I'll be honest – I miss Sai. I miss his weirdness and his practiced smiles and even his flirting. I miss not having to worry that meeting his eye could lead to a shouting match. I just want things to be okay again.

The street light outside is enough to illuminate the kitchen, so I don't bother turning on the light until I have to unearth some pasta sauce in the cupboard in the corner. I'm just draining the boiled pasta when I hear shuffling behind me and freeze, my breath catching.

"Naruto?" comes a groggy voice – a voice I haven't heard in weeks.

I turn. There's Sai, pushing himself upright on the couch in the living room, rubbing one eye. I completely missed him, hiding in the dark like that. An empty plate and glass sit on the table in front of him; his hair is tousled, his shirt crooked. I realize I'm still frozen, holding a rather heavy pot full of pasta and water, and quickly go back to what I was doing, hoping that maybe I can just ignore him and he'll give up.

Yeah, right.

Sai stands, stretches. He comes up to the counter all tentative. "So… long time no speak."

I just grunt. He should be grateful that I'm acknowledging him at all.

"I'm sorry about… the thing last month," he goes on. "I mean it."

"Mm." I grab the colander from the counter in front of him and shove the faucet aside to place it in the sink before pouring the pasta into it.

"I know you've been avoiding me. I don't blame you for it. But… I miss you."

My hands go still. I watch the steam rise from the sink, escaping through the open window. I hadn't expected him to fess up so soon.

"That's all," he says, quieter than ever, and turns to go. "See you."

"Sai."

The pause of his footsteps is as deafening as silence after hours in a club.

"I… don't know if I can forgive you yet," I say, glancing up at him. He looks genuinely remorseful, and I can believe that, but it doesn't change the way he hurt me. "I still can't believe you had no idea what the consequences would be."

"It's easy to deny what hasn't happened yet," he replies.

"Don't fucking make excuses."

He flinches visibly, once again taking advantage of his sense of vulnerability. I don't think he's faking it, but he's certainly not making any attempt at hiding what is there. "I really am sorry."

"Yeah."

"You don't believe me?"

"I… don't know if I'm ready to."

He bites his lip.

"Look," I say. "I… miss you too, okay? I'm sick of all this. But you can't expect me to just pretend you didn't fuck up."

"I wasn't the only one."

"Fallacy," I snap back at once. "My mistakes have nothing to do with yours. They never affected you personally. I'm owning up for my mistakes now. Are you?"

"I said I was sor—"

"Saying isn't enough, Sai! You can recite every apology in your textbooks, but if there's no remorse behind them it's the same as lying."

"What else do you want me to do? My apology is sincere, and I've stopped sleeping with Sasuke. We're done. What else is there?"

"I don't know," I say. "Maybe nothing."

"Naruto…"

Something about the way he says my name makes me pause. Like he's hurting. Like he's about to break. I take a deep breath and look into his eyes and I remind myself that this is a person who loves me, and whom I love back. And between the two of us, our loves don't quite match up, and that hurts him more than it hurts me but he pushes on because it doesn't matter. And I know he hasn't gotten over me, not yet, and I know it still hurts him sometimes and it still hurts me sometimes too, and we hurt each other and we hurt ourselves but at the end of the day, when we're weary and broken, what can I give him but forgiveness, as always?

"Time," I say. "Give me time, and in time I'll give you my forgiveness."

He stares at me a moment longer, then the tension on his face resolves, relaxes into something more sombre, concession rather than wholehearted acceptance. "Okay."

I turn back to my food, saying no more. It isn't until I'm done preparing it and putting everything away and heading out of the kitchen that I realize Sai's still standing there, on the opposite side of the counter, just watching.

"Did you want something?" I ask, still wary. Still resentful.

"If you're not busy," he says slowly, "I wanted… to hang out for a bit?"

I consider a moment. "Sure."

He smiles: soft, small, but true.

We sit on the couch, sharing the big blanket in the living room, but I'm not yet ready to cosy up to him the way I usually do. I watch him play a bit of Okami as I eat. For a while we don't say anything. Words are hard when the situation's still sensitive and I'm still feeling accusatory, and he's never been much of a rambler or one for small talk. It isn't until I'm done eating that he finally speaks.

"So what's the situation now?" he asks, as I set down my bowl on the table. "Have you talked to Sasuke since?"

I scoff. "Fuck no. I'm done with that asshole."

"I see." Sai goes silent to beat up a couple of stray demons.

"You're not still seeing him, are you? Not that I give a damn anymore."

"No, we broke it off after that. We were only ever in it for the sex."

"Right." Something still twists in my gut when I think about Sai and Sasuke sleeping together.

"Naruto?"

"Mm?"

"I missed you."

I sigh. "Yeah. I missed you too."

"The house isn't the same without you. And I mean that in more than just the way you haven't been around much. I got so used to your presence in my life that it hit me hard to realize how empty it felt not to simply say hi to you every day."

I say nothing, because I can't truthfully admit I've felt the same. Yes, I've missed Sai, but I've also been angry with him and I've had so much other shit going on that I've hardly had the chance to put any thought into it.

"So you're back to sleeping with Blue?" he asks.

"How did you—?" I frown, trying to remember if I ever mentioned in Sai's vicinity that we'd started fucking again.

"You've been gone from the house for days at a time. I've seen you around campus with him. It isn't hard to put two and two together."

"But all that proves is that I spend time with him."

"Which, by virtue of it being you two, means you're sleeping together, right? You did tell me to read between the lines more," he says.

"Oh. _Ohh_. You thought…"

He looks at me strangely, confused now. "What?"

"Katsumi and I are dating," I say.

He stares.

"He asked me out. I gave him a chance."

"…I see." There might be pain in his eyes. I never gave Sai a chance, no matter how often he asked for it. Perhaps this isn't the best topic of discussion right now. But he continues it all the same. "How has that been going, then?"

"Really well, actually. I got confused when you asked about us sleeping together because we kind of… didn't, for the first couple of weeks. I thought you might've heard from somewhere, though I can't imagine where because I haven't told anyone. So unless Katsumi told you…"

Sai shakes his head. "I haven't spoken to him at all. I didn't know anything about the situation." He pauses. "I didn't even know you were calling him by his real name now."

"Oh. Yeah."

"I never thought you'd actually date him. You've always been so cold to him."

"I know, I know. He's sweet, though, now that he's making a conscious effort to stop being an asshole. He's really nice."

"You seem to like him."

I watch the game still going on the TV screen. "Yeah."

"Naruto?"

My eyes snap over to Sai. "What?" I say, my tone almost defensive.

"You do like him, don't you?"

"Didn't I just say?" I frown. "He's good to me. Of course I like him."

"Are you sure you don't just like that he likes you?"

"What? What's that supposed to mean?"

Sai watches me for a moment. There's a strange look in his eyes, one I can't quite parse. Sadness? Pity? He finally turns back to the screen, saves his game, and exits to the main menu before standing and stretching. "Never mind. It's getting late; I have class in the morning."

"Right." I watch him, his slender form illuminated in the light of the television, his shirt riding up to reveal pale hips.

"Are you staying here?" he asks. "Do you want me to leave the PlayStation on?"

"Sure," I say, not really caring. My mind's elsewhere.

"Okay. Goodnight, Naruto," he says softly.

"Night."

I sit in the living room for a long time after Sai's gone, just watching the game's menu screen and story preview going over and over again. Sai's words did something weird to me, and I can't quite pinpoint what – or which words. All I know is that I feel as though something's been knocked off balance, something in my life that was stable and sure and sensible, and then Sai went and said something to tip the scales and now I've got that wrenching feeling in my gut that you get just before you start falling.

And it's not a nice feeling at all.

—

Spring finally finds its way into the weather, with rain and sun and a wind that's only cool rather than bitingly cold. Daffodils and tulips push up in the grass. One day when it's surprisingly warm and hasn't rained in a week, Katsumi and I go for a walk to the park and lie in the dry grass among the daisies. Katsumi tells me they're his favourite flower, so I make him a daisy chain necklace like I used to do for my parents when I was six. It enchants him. We fall asleep in the sunlight and wake up when it gets dark and the nights are still chilly, and I catch a bit of a cold and he nurses me that weekend with soup and cuddles. It isn't until we've already been under the covers together for hours that I remember he probably ought to keep away from me if I'm ill, but it's too late, and anyway it doesn't seem to matter because he doesn't catch anything. I do care about him, but mostly he seems to be taking care of himself, and if that's the case there's not much for me to do, is there?

It's nearly April when I first catch a glimpse of something that makes my breath catch in my throat. It's only a fleeting instant, a peripheral flash of steely eyes and dark hair spiked back, and by the time I turn around properly he's long gone and I can't even be sure it was him. I can't even be sure it _was_ a him, but my mind's made the connection and it sure ain't letting it go. I spend the rest of the day fretting, distracted. I lose myself in a bit of killer sex with Blue that evening and after that I just forget about it altogether for a couple of weeks, until one day I'm going into the cafeteria with him and nearly walk into Sasuke coming out through the door.

Our eyes don't meet. We look at each other, always managing – perhaps in some subconsciously coordinated way – to avoid locking gazes. He pauses for only an instant, then dodges around me, saying nothing. I don't turn to watch him go. I follow Katsumi into the building wordlessly, my heart awhirl. I saw him looking at me. I saw the surprise on his face. I saw so many emotions flash through his eyes in a split second that they were too fast to identify, and anyway it's been so long that I find it hard to read him. For some reason that thought makes my chest squeeze tight.

"Wasn't that Sasuke?" Katsumi asks as we get in line to buy food. "I thought he was a friend of yours."

"We're… not on speaking terms anymore," I reply, quietly.

"Ah." Katsumi shifts closer, rubs my back gently. He doesn't know – he can't know what was between me and Sasuke, but the loss of a friend always deserves sympathy, and so I lean into his touch and find love in his closeness.

I suddenly start seeing Sasuke around campus far more often than chance has any right to dictate. In the halls, at reception, outside the cafeteria – it's as though one or both of us is trying as hard as possible to force us to meet. We never do, though. We always duck our heads and pass each other without any obvious acknowledgement. There is, of course, acknowledgement – mentally, and perhaps in tiny cues like the way I struggle not to lean closer to him, the way he works to avoid eye contact in a natural manner – but showing it overtly would be giving in. And so we continue this game, this dance in which we avoid each other as best as possible even though we run into each other multiple times a week, every week. It starts to become inconvenient. One day I spot him in an aisle of the library and have to kill time elsewhere until he leaves so I can get the book I want, and I swear he purposely dawdles just to tick me off. Another time I'm waiting at student services and he comes in and then leaves, as though he actually refuses to stay in the same room as me; I spot him glancing through the door more than once, seeing if I'm still there. And in this way, without even necessarily meaning to, we mutually fuck up each other's lives, and in more than just our schedules.

I start dreaming about Sasuke. His body, his voice, his attitude. Sometimes we fight and sometimes we fuck. Sometimes it's both. Sometimes we just lie around and snuggle. Sometimes it's more random – I'll dream of walking up endless flights of stairs with him, or us taking turns chopping wood out around the back of my parents' house, or him handing me a giant ring full of different keys and making me find the one that will open the door in front of me.

They're not exactly subtle, these dreams. Mom's really into dream interpretation, but I don't need anyone to tell me what it means to dream about someone this much. I wouldn't tell her, anyway, not even about the ones that don't involve sex. She'd get on my case to go make amends with Sasuke and that isn't a thing that's about to happen anytime soon. I wake up one morning after a particularly vivid one about fireworks and I have such a roaring, burning feeling in my chest that I have to curl up in bed and wait for it to go away. That's how Blue finds me when he comes back from the bathroom, and when he asks me what's wrong I explain the dream, carefully omitting Sasuke from my recounting. As far as he knows, I was setting off fireworks alone.

"Fireworks, huh?" he says, fingers coming through my hair. He eases me from my tense position and gets under the covers with me, our bodies close. He smiles. "It probably just means you need to get laid more. Which is silly, considering how much tail you get to begin with," he adds with a wink.

"Not every dream is about sex, you know."

"Oh, are you more of a Jungian interpreter, then?" he says. "Well, Freud was a little bonkers anyway, but I wouldn't pass up an excuse for more sex."

"No, me neither," I say, and roll on top of him.

On mornings like this, when we don't have to be in class and the dreams are getting out of hand, I release the pent-up confusion by fucking Blue. I mean, I fuck Blue a lot of the time anyway, but on those mornings it's like a purging ritual for me, carefully pushing thoughts of the dream out of my head and replacing them with Blue. It works, for a little while.

The first time I find myself replacing Blue with Sasuke in my mind, it creeps up on me. It's not a dream morning; it's not even based on frustration and things I can't have. I don't even realize it until my face is buried his hair and I'm asking myself why it's electric blue and not jet black. I freeze, pressed to the hilt against him, and Blue moans and it's his voice, it's so undeniably Blue's that I banish the thought almost in horror and carefully, carefully watch the real body in front of me as I push back into reality and he comes in a shuddering mess. Afterwards we lie on our sides facing each other and I take his head in my hands and just look at him, stare at his features, writing each and every one into my memory like etching them in stone and he watches and he doesn't understand, but after _that_ I curl into him with guilt and he just holds me. And he holds me like there's no one else to hold, like there's no one he'd rather hold and nothing else he'd rather do than hold me.

After that I see it coming. I notice the first signs of my mind warping the situation; it brings back memories of the last time I did this, fucking Blue in the janitor's closet not a week after I'd met Sasuke and imagining him instead of Blue: his voice, his face, his body. It didn't bug me then. But I wasn't in a relationship then either. It hits me hard, and I retreat into myself, trying to wrestle with it all, trying to cut those goddamn ties. I feel dumb for letting some petty relationship problems – ones that aren't even really problems anymore – fuck my life up, but Katsumi is as attentive as ever, and he notices the way he notices everything about me.

"You're stressing out," he says quietly, as he scrubs shampoo into my hair in the bathtub one evening. "Don't overwork yourself."

"But I'm not doing anything," I protest, ineffectively. "Uni work isn't even getting to the hard part yet."

"Uni isn't the only thing you have to deal with. There's household stuff, rent, bills, personal life. What's stressing you? Is it Sai again?" Katsumi knows about my problems with Sai now. Things have been better with him, but it feels like there's a crack between us that we haven't quite figured out how to mend just yet.

"Well… not really," I mumble.

"It's okay. Stay over for a while. I'll take care of you." He massages my scalp, and I close my eyes, melting into the sensation.

"You've got stuff to do too. I can't impose—"

"You're not imposing." He kisses me sweet and sure. "Let me take care of you."

And I let him. He takes everything upon himself – cooking, cleaning, helping me with homework and waking me up every morning and putting me to bed every night, and it's so much like being back home for breaks that I let myself kick back for a bit. I get a little petty: he runs the errands and does the chores, he sings me lullabies and buys me dinner. When I don't want sex, he abstains, and when I do he gives it to me. No exceptions. We do it slow, we do it fast, we do it gentle and rough and everywhere in between and sometimes I see a twinge of pain in his face and sometimes it gets me off. I feel like throwing up after that. Every time.

But Katsumi keeps doing what he does, caring for me, looking after me, loving me. He caters to my beck and call, my every capricious whim, and never does he say a single word in complaint. It takes me a while to realize how much it affects him, giving me this convenience. Even though he vehemently insists he can do it, by now it's starting to take a toll on him, and watching him grow tired is painful. Seeing what I'm doing to him, I can't just sit by and continue like this. If nothing else, I feel guilty, even pissed off at myself for putting this burden on him. What kind of a person am I, to sit back on my ass while Katsumi does everything? Who am I to hurt him, to use his body without any regard for his own desires? Do I deserve to be called a good person? Especially when, once I realize how low I've sunk, I fall into a slump and Katsumi once again is the one to drag me back out?

I struggle with myself. In hindsight it all looks so shallow. I reduce myself to the maturity of a twelve year old. I whine and I pout and complain about who else but myself, and when I snap out of it I fall into self-loathing. Dark thoughts swirl through my head – I don't deserve to be with Katsumi; he doesn't deserve this awful treatment; I'm a lazy, good-for-nothing, abusive bastard.

I'm not worthy of existing if I'm going to be this way.

It's vanishingly faint and only a brief flash, but it scares the hell out of me, this sudden conviction, this fleeting suicidal thought. Worse, it breaks the dam for further terror. The demon starts whispering in my ear again. It tells me things I don't believe, but because I believed them once, even for a split second, they're gashes in my armour, wounds for the demon to grind salt into. _You're horrible,_ it hisses. _You're a bad person. You hurt everyone around you. You're selfish and cruel and you know it. Why do you still bother existing? Why don't you just fuck off and spare everyone the pain? Throw yourself off a goddamn building, you pathetic excuse for a human being._

It invades my dreams, ruthlessly, violently. It tears my mind apart, tears apart everyone I care about. It tells me they're better off without me anyway. It takes the times I went too far and duplicates them, triples them, loops them in my head like the walls and floor and ceiling are all made of screens reflecting my mistakes back at me. It nearly destroys my mind. Katsumi tries to help, as always. What he doesn't know is that this time, he's part of the problem. I can't accept help from him because facing him means facing what I did to him. He swears it's okay, when we're done – he swears he's had it worse before, that pain is one of his kinks and he even enjoys it, but nothing can console me. I never meant to hurt him, never wanted to cause him pain, no matter how much he might have liked it.

I'm a wreck. The amount of effort it takes to ignore the demon's suicidal coaxing puts me out of commission. Despite Katsumi's best efforts to soothe me, I still thrash at night and act haunted by day, which I guess is pretty accurate when you think about it. I can tell I'm worrying the fuck out of him and that the last thing he needs for peace of mind is for me to leave his care, but right now I _need _to leave him. I tell him Sakura can take better care of me and go back to my own room for a while. But it turns out I'm wrong: even Sakura can only do so much, panic-stricken and helpless as I press myself into a corner and scream. She pleads for me to go to a counsellor. I tell her no counsellor would be able to help me. In my delirium, one word, one name, one existence and one alone pierces the darkness like a knife made of light: Sasuke.

I need him. I can't be consoled. I remember the way his eyes blazed red against the demon, the way his presence dispelled the nightmares like so much harmless mist, and I long so deeply to feel that again that I can barely think for the agony I'm feeling now. I'm so tired of feeling awful that I'm can't even fathom feeling good. I just want to feel _okay_ again. I know only one person who can give that to me without fail, and he's gone, gone, gone.

I call my parents and they take me home for a week, watch me carefully and whisper soothing words and fight the demon with all they have. They are, jointly, a formidable force. The demon listens to them the way it won't listen to me, not yet at least. It recognizes their power from past battles, regards them with a loathing born of respect, but that doesn't stop it from giving its all. It can fight hard, but Mom and Dad fight harder, and it takes everyone's combined efforts to push the demon back. I come down with a fever, but that's when I know the worst is about to pass: it only lasts a couple of days, and once the fever breaks everything winds down nice and easy. I feel the demon retreat out of my mind to lick its wounds. And we recollect from the battle and nurse our own losses because Dad's greying at an accelerated rate and Mom looks frazzled like she never does unless this kind of thing is happening, and I'm a fucking wreck – let's not even talk about me – but we're together and that's all that matters.

"Mom?" I say, one still night, as I curl around the covers in my parents' bed and watch her brush her neverending hair at the mirror. "Did you ever hear of someone who could control the demon? I mean, not in the way we do, with all the fighting and raging and stuff, but someone who could just, I dunno, stare it down and make it sit like a bad dog?"

Mom laughs, not mockingly, but as though she finds the idea delightful. "Oh, that'd be a sight to see," she says, all smiles and sunshine, a brilliance to behold. "Well, I've sure heard some things. You don't get demons in a world like this without running into a couple of other anomalies, do you? Magic mostly sticks to itself, though. Sure as the sun rises, where there's a demon to plague a person, there's another person to plague that demon right back. You don't believe in soulmates, do you?"

"What kind of a question is that?" I ask, because she knows I don't. I assumed she didn't, either. As much as mom believes in stuff like demons (totally real) and dream interpretation (not bullshit if you can find your own truths in it), she's pretty practical about relationships.

"Well, we don't see you eight months of the year. You're entitled to your own beliefs and the world's a big place. Who knows what you've come to believe?" She puts down her hairbrush and comes to sit on the edge of the bed, and I settle, soothed. She goes on, "What we know about Jinchuuriki – the hosts of these demons, people like you, and like me – what we know comes entirely from the diaries of those who came before us. Society doesn't know because society wouldn't be able to cope. More often than not, when a Jinchuuriki's discovered, things turn out for the worse. It's started wars before. So we keep quiet about it. It's a lonely job, but unfortunately it's one you're born into."

"Like royalty, only shittier," I mumble.

She laughs again, combs my hair with her fingers. "Pretty much. But throughout history there's been a trend. Almost every Jinchuuriki recorded has made some mention of a person, a specific individual, and over the lives of all these hosts we've been able to notice a pattern: there's almost always that one person who sparks in the Jinchuuriki's life more than anyone else. It's not always romance, though. Often, yes. But sometimes it's a friend, sometimes it's a colleague or a boss or an underling, and sometimes it's an arch enemy. And sometimes that individual has been able to do great things, amazing things, not least of which seem to include suppressing the demon in some way."

My breath catches. It almost seems too easy.

But she seems to read me. "The thing is," she continues, "when you're a Jinchuuriki, that person – your soulmate, some say – could be anywhere on this planet. As the history goes, not every host finds their soulmate. Perhaps not every host _has_ one. But it's not too bad. More often than not, fate has a knack for getting them to bump heads somewhere along the way. After that it's up to them to figure out how to stick together."

Something about this sticks in my throat. Fine job I did of that one. "How come more people don't know about this, then?" I ask. "About us Jinchuuriki, and about the whole soulmate thing. Why haven't we been caught by scientists and dissected for answers? How come the demons haven't escaped more often and shown people they really exist?"

"Well we are pretty good at our jobs," she says with a smile, like she's sharing a secret with me. "That's not to say we don't slip up sometimes, and I guess that's where you get your stories like the Yeti or earthquakes or forest fires – odd sightings, natural catastrophes. Sometimes if the host is weak, the demon's power leaks into others' senses, causing stories like monsters under beds and ghosts and the like. Humankind always finds a way to explain things it can't understand."

"And the soulmate person? How come they're not just running around throwing magic at everything they can? I mean, what is it they _do_?"

Mom pauses for a moment. "Hard to say, really," she admits. "The soulmate's power is usually confined to dominion over the demon. Every individual has their own way of dealing with it: some through brute force, others by cunning and trickery. But these individuals often rise to great heights, to become men and women of power and respect. Some for the better, some for the worse. They tend to be considered humans of higher worth, simply gifted with this additional drive and ferocity that makes them excel so. How much of it is magic and how much is just humans all being different, I don't know, but the trends are there for the reading."

I frown, considering all this. Mom, Dad, Tsunade, and Jiraiya have all told me various things about the Jinchuuriki curse, the demons, the reason we are this way, but I don't remember much being said about this whole soulmate business. Though now that she mentions it, a couple of bits of information sound familiar. It might've just been that it never occurred to me to connect the dots at the time, because it didn't really sound important. I never did believe in soulmates. Dad does, at least to a degree.

"Does that make Dad your soulmate, then?" I ask.

"Nah, not in the way history puts it." She smiles. "He's helped with the demon, but he's just extraordinary to begin with. I never met my soulmate, not that I know of."

"Hmm." I glance over at the photo sitting on the table behind her. It's a picture of the three of us, when I was just a baby. I wonder what might've happened if Mom had met her soulmate. What if it'd been a guy? What if they'd gotten married instead? Where would I be?

"Well, who knows?" she sighs. "I've still got some years on me. I could run into them tomorrow." She pats my shoulder reassuringly. "And you've got even longer. You don't have to feel like you're at a loss just because you haven't found them."

"Yeah. I know." It doesn't bug me. But that's not because I think I'll never meet my soulmate.

—

Blue calls me later that night, his voice all tension and concern. "Are you okay?" he asks, and I can hear how much he's been stressing. "Is everything alright?"

"Calm down," I tell him gently. "I'm fine. Mom and Dad got me sorted out."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure." I feel a sudden urge to hug him, to fold him in my arms and rock him and make him feel alright. "I'm serious, there's nothing to worry about. I'm coming back tomorrow."

"Okay. Good." He pauses, then repeats, "Good. You'll have the weekend to rest up too."

"Yeah. Look, stop sounding so worried, okay?"

"I can't help it," he says. "I need to make sure you're safe. I can't stand seeing you hurt."

My chest squeezes tight. "Same," I say quietly. "To you. I mean… this, seeing you worry about me, and – and what I did to you…"

"I told you it's okay. Really."

"No, it's not," I say, my voice rising. "I – I hurt you – I swear I didn't mean to, but I just – I lost control—"

"Naruto," he whispers, soothing, calming, "the only one you're hurting is yourself. I see the way you beat yourself up over things like this. Don't. For my sake."

I pause. I frown. "I can't keep doing this to you."

"I trust you."

"You shouldn't."

"I trust you," he says again, unwavering. "I love you."

The tenderness in his voice is enough to melt me. I am going to be the death of him.

"Get some rest," I say. "It's late."

"You too. If you're feeling up to it tomorrow after you're back in town, do you wanna come over for dinner?"

"Yeah. That'd be good." I don't think I'm quite ready yet to leave the support of those who care about me, but at the same time something's nagging in the back of my head when I think about letting Blue take care of me.

"Okay." There's a smile in his voice. "I'll make you something nice. Sweet dreams, Naruto."

Unlikely. "Thanks."

—

Blue makes a roast. Half of a big fat chicken, with potatoes and carrots and gravy and cranberry sauce. He's cooked a lot of nice meals before, but never anything as amazing as this, and I'm floored. I eat until I'm stuffed and help him clean up and then we lie in bed, satisfied and at least a little happier than before.

"Did you have a nice time at home?" he asks, tugging the covers over us. "I mean, apart from being sick."

"Yeah." I sigh and snuggle into him, carefully cataloguing the way he automatically puts his arm around me without question. "It's nice to see my Mom and Dad once in a while."

"I bet." He smiles, and I belatedly remember that his parents kicked him out of the house years ago. But of course he makes no mention of it. He pushes my hair out of my eyes. "You have no idea how much I worried about you," he murmurs.

I think I do have an idea, but I don't say so. "I'm sorry," I tell him, because it's true. "I'd tell you not to, but—"

"But I would anyway. I know."

"Honest, I'm fine," I murmur. "It's happened to me before, you know that."

"Do I?"

I'm about to reply that yes, of course he does, I've had at least three attacks in the past year, but then I remember that I made up excuses to him for every one of them. To be fair, I make up excuses to most people. "You know," I go on, "my medical condition."

"Oh, yeah. I remember." His eyes go very serious. "The last time was months ago, though, wasn't it?"

"Yeah." He doesn't know about the one that happened only last month. The one that Sasuke helped me through. "You're worrying again."

"Of course I'm worrying. You were screaming in your sleep."

"I need to stop staying over. If I'm disrupting your sleep—"

"No, don't," he says quickly, alarmed now. "You're not – I'd rather know about it. So that I can help you."

These words resonate in my mind like an echo of something I'd heard before. It takes me a moment to remember: Sasuke. He said he'd rather wake up to help me out of my nightmares than sleep through them. With Sasuke I don't feel bad knowing I'd have done that to him; with Blue it only fills me with pain.

"You don't need to," I say.

"I want to."

"Blue—" I begin, then freeze. I see a flash of shock in his eyes. Before the silence can stretch on for too long, I roll over, pulling him half on top of me. "I'm serious. Stop worrying about me. I don't need to be the cause of your stress."

"I… just want to make sure you're okay," he says quietly, mollified by my concern for him.

"I know you do. But there's no point in both of us wigging out."

"I can't help it! I just—" He sighs, then drops his forehead against my collarbone. "I love you so much, Naruto."

_I know,_ I want to reply.

"I can't bear to see you hurting. I feel so… helpless. I never know what I can do for you."

"Stop, Katsumi." I rub his back, and he releases the tension that's been building in his body. I say, "You don't need to do anything for me. Not if it's just wearing you down. I know what I did to you – I know how hard you worked for me, and I don't deserve it."

"It's not about _deserving_—"

"But it's the same either way," I interrupt him. "I keep hurting you, and there's nothing either of us can do about it because I'm a wreck and you love me too much."

"Naruto…"

"You know it's true." I kiss him on the forehead, then close my eyes. "Go to sleep, Katsumi."

There's a long silence. "Okay," he finally whispers. "Goodnight, Naru."

—

Before I know it, there's a month left of the school year and we're finishing up our student productions and final projects. It seems an age ago that I last spoke to Sasuke, during that painful shouting match in front of his room. I've seen him more times than I care to count since then, but we've fallen into the routine of refusing to acknowledge each other. It's a routine, yes, but it still aches like an open wound, some everlasting disease whose symptoms I've just learned to put up with. As much as I want Sasuke, I can't be with him. And that's that. I'll just have to live with the pain of that forever.

Blue, on the other hand, seems… less happy than before. It's not that time's tempered his love for me – if anything, it seems stronger, and I have a feeling that's exactly _why _he's unhappy. I can see how much he wants me to love him back and I just can't. I try and I try, but everything I do feels strained, unreal, misaligned like two puzzle pieces someone's forced to match together just because they're the same colour. But the shape is all wrong. I belong elsewhere, and he doesn't deserve what I put him through to stay here.

As much as I can't return Blue's feelings, the last thing I want to do is see him hurt. I realize that I do love him, in a way. But it isn't the right kind of love – it's not his kind of love. He loves me like the Earth revolves around the Sun, locked in orbit with me as the centre of his world; I love him like a fragile china doll. He's precious, adored, but terribly brittle. So much of what I do seems to hurt him, and I'm going to crack him to pieces one day. The thing is, nothing I do will alleviate the pain. If I go to him with my troubles, he takes them as his own and stresses just as much as I do. If I don't, he finds me distant and drowns himself in sorrow. If I put in the effort and try to do things for him, act like a good boyfriend in a normal, domestic setting, he can tell it's forced and that I don't mean it as much as I should. I can't give him anything but suffering. He's not a weakling – I've seen him withstand metaphorical blizzards and tornadoes – but he doesn't deserve to have life this hard, and I'm not in my rights to be making it that way for him.

It's when we're out for a celebratory dinner after our final performance that I finally decide to confront him. Maybe this is a bad time; maybe it'd ruin the mood, but I truly can't stand it for one moment longer.

"Katsumi?"

"Yes, Naru?"

"Are you happy?"

"Yes," he replies at once. Almost too soon. "I'm happy whenever I'm with you."

I just watch him sadly. I'm not the only one who's lying their way through this relationship now.

"And you?" he asks.

Right this moment, yes. "I'm content."

"You're not happy?"

"I'm not… happy as a state of being," I say. "I've been happy, now and again. Happiness has been an incidental event, but never a constant."

"What's your constant, then?" Blue asks quietly.

"I… constantly feel like something isn't right." I watch his eyes. He agrees with me, I can tell, but he's in denial.

"What can I do to fix it?" he asks at once.

But I shake my head. "You don't need to do anything."

"I want to help you—"

"Katsumi. Listen to me." I stare him down until he looks like he'll listen. "You've done everything for me. _Everything_. There's no way I could ask for anything more."

"You don't have to ask," he says. "I'd give it to you anyway."

"I'm afraid you're going to give until there's nothing left of you." I flinch at the pain in my own voice, unexpected but thoroughly sincere. "I've been watching you hollow yourself out for me. It's not right."

He raises his hands, helpless. "Then – then what am I supposed to do?"

"Nothing." I close my eyes, heave a deep sigh. "I… don't think we can do this anymore."

"What?" The word comes out in little more than a pained breath.

"I think…" I swallow. "I think we need to call it quits."

The silence is long. I can tell his mind's racing, trying to understand – maybe trying to find an alternative meaning. But he knows.

"But… Naruto," he says. "I – why? Haven't we been happy together? Haven't I done enough?"

"It – it's not about that," I say quickly. "Of course you've done enough. I just said – you've done so much for me. Too much for your own good. I'm not saying this because I don't like you – the opposite."

"You're not making any sense," he whispers.

"As long as you're with me," I say, "I'm going to keep doing this to you. I'm going to keep hurting you, and you know neither of us can stand it much longer. And there's nothing either of us can do about it. How long have you been ill from stress now? Weeks, months?"

"That's not – it's uni, it's been a lot of work—"

"And I've only been adding to that weight on your shoulders."

"I'm not fragile," he says, almost accusingly.

"Everyone has a breaking point."

"I'm not weak!" he exclaims, then freezes. Tears are brimming in his eyes. He rubs them away almost angrily. "I've been doing all of this for you because I love you, Naruto. I can see you need support, so I'm giving that. It's just normal."

"It's not normal to work yourself sick over it!" I take another deep breath. I didn't want this to turn into an argument. I reach across the table to cover his hand with mine. He tenses, but doesn't pull back. He wants it too much, and I'm just being more cruel by giving him something I can't put my whole heart into. "You don't want to be with someone who can't love you back. I wish I didn't have to do this, but I'm not happy here and I can tell it's making you unhappy too. You've worked so hard. I really appreciate it."

He just frowns, laces his fingers with mine, squeezes my hand. "It'd be easier if you'd made me hate you."

"Maybe. But I don't want that. I still… want to be friends, if you're okay with that."

"Yeah. I'd like that." He manages a sad smile. "I don't want to break up."

"But you know we have to."

"I… I don't want to admit it, but…" He's silent for a long time, so long I wonder if he'll ever say anything again, at least until he gets the truth out. But finally, when he does speak, what he says is, "I won't get over you easily."

So acceptance, then. "You need someone better than me," I tell him. "And I need someone I'm not afraid to hurt."

"You can hurt me. I'm a masochist."

"Only in bed." I pull my hand away from his before he can resist.

He sighs and sits back, looking out the window. The sorrow in his eyes is as clear as day, but there's a resignation to him now. "I won't get over you anytime soon, but I'll try not to let it hold us back," he says. "Just promise you'll be open with me, okay? Don't withhold anything for the sake of sparing my feelings."

"Of course."

"Good." His gaze flicks up to me, then back out the window. "I guess we should get home so you can pack."

"…Yeah, I guess so."

We split the bill, then walk home together, hand in hand. With each step we take it feels stranger and stranger, as though we're literally walking away from the relationship. My grip on Blue's hand slackens, and eventually he just… lets go. There's an emptiness between us as solid as a wall. We make the rest of the trip side by side, saying nothing.

I go through his flat to make sure I haven't left anything lying around. Friend though he may be, an ex is still an ex, and callbacks are never anything but awkward. I wonder if I would've called him an ex if we hadn't dated at all. Who would he have been then? Just another notch in my bedpost?

"I think that's everything," I say, stuffing the last pair of jeans into my bag. I pick up Kitsune and run my fingers along the soft fur of its oversized ear. "I ought to have gotten you something more permanent than ice cream for your birthday."

He comes over and leans against the back of the couch. "It's okay. Anything physical to remember you by would just make it harder for me. Better to keep the memories intangible."

"If you say so." I sigh and run a hand through my hair. "I guess… this is it, then."

He nods. "I kind of wish you'd told me sooner. I mean – not… sooner, per se, because then that would be less time we were together, insignificant though it might've been. But I would've liked to sleep with you one more time."

I pause with my hand on the shoulder strap of my bag. "Well… it wouldn't hurt, would it?"

"Maybe. It might be too much for me," says Blue, looking away. "But… I want to."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. It's worth it." He smiles and flutters his eyelids, but there's something different about the way he's seducing me now. Less playful, more... inviting. I don't have the heart to tell him I preferred playful.

I do my best to want it. The thing is, with the whole dating thing petering out and us deciding to be friends and me having packed already, I'm already starting to consider myself single. Really, properly single, the way I haven't been in over a year now. I let Blue touch me, revere me, ride me. I concentrate on his attentions. I note how easily I've slipped back into calling him that – my fuck buddy, not my boyfriend. I thank my lucky stars he finishes more quickly than usual, because honestly I don't know if I can keep it up anymore – and I mean that both ways. I pretend to finish, though. For both our sakes, I pretend. More little white lies. Or perhaps less than white here, in a manner of speaking. It's impossible for him to tell once I've thrown out the condom and cleaned myself off. Already I've broken my promise to be open with him, but I just get the feeling it'll only hurt him more if he knows the truth. I stay the night, though. I don't know if it'll hurt him more, but he asks me to and the plea in his eyes is so strong that I have to give him this.

"If I'm not awake when you get up tomorrow morning," he murmurs against my collarbone as we huddle under the covers, "don't wake me, okay? If I say goodbye it'll feel too much like I'll never see you again."

"Even if the goodbye includes a 'see you at school tomorrow'?" I ask.

"Yeah."

"I thought you didn't want me to withhold anything."

"Just this," he says. "Just until the next time we meet."

"Okay."

He kisses me on the lips, long and gentle and sweet. "I love you, Naruto. Thanks for everything."

"I haven't given you everything." How does he do it? How does he still act like he's okay, like he's happy, when he knows I'm leaving? How am I the one who feels so lost? "I've given you nothing but pain."

"You've given me the happiest months of my life in years." He closes his eyes. "Goodnight."

—

When I wake up in the morning, it's to the sound of construction outside, so loud that there's no way Blue could still be asleep. He's on his side of the bed now, no longer curled by me, making it easier for me to get out of bed without disturbing him. There are damp spots on his pillow. I doubt he's actually sleeping, but for both our sakes, he pretends.

I consider one last kiss, a parting gift perhaps, but I decide against it. It's over. It was over last night, and I've overstayed my welcome, though I know Blue will always be happy to have me here. I quickly turn my back and leave his flat, closing the door silently behind me.

* * *

Part of the reason Blue is so dear to me in L.U.S.T. is that he's going through many of the same things I did once. In my case the guy even used the puzzle analogy, so thanks to him for that inspiration I guess. I didn't even really understand it until I wrote it myself, from Naruto's point of view. For the record, I'm still friends with him – which possibly makes it hurt worse. If you think it hurts to be rejected right after your confession, think how it feels to have them try and then later tell you it's not working out for them. When you feel so strongly for a person who really, honestly tries and can't feel the same way back… I don't know, it's an entirely different kind of pain.

Anyway, as updates go, I have absolutely nothing pre-prepared and I'm still busy as all heck, so don't expect anything anytime soon. I'd also appreciate if, just for a while, we could avoid the usual "please update soon" messages. I know you don't mean to put pressure on me – it's all me, I swear, but I have enough to think about without my hobbies turning into sources of stress too. So if you could do me that little favour and just not mention it for a bit, I'd be really grateful.

As always, thank you for reading! Your support means a lot to me. Reviews have always been a highlight of my years as I've gone through tough times at school. Just knowing I have someone to write to is enough to keep me writing.

R+F


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